Ungraceful Am I For Grieving So Publicly Bereaved, Forgive Me

I search for meaning In places where there are Many conflicting meanings, Where there are too many words And all the words are in Different languages.

Still I try to define Emotions that are multiple Emotions, that are vast And endless, that expand And shrink, and exist In a world outside myself.

I traverse dreams That I create in my mind, Where people relate to me In ways they do not actually Relate to me, where we Are all who we need To be to each other, Where we are vague and I am Lost in the details.

One day the wind blew All the leaves down off the trees And they were bare I saw the birds just sitting there Preening their new winter feathers Two sitting on a branch together

Their nests were empty Broken and falling down Sticks and bits all on the ground Babies all long flown away On that branch they said goodbye Now they huddle side by side

I wonder why they stick around When all the others go Maybe they just like the snow Something I will never know I watch them sleeping in that tree A little rest and finally some peace

She caught me watching her As she woke from sleep Hair messy on the pillow Naked under the sheets

"My little poet" she said "Write something for me" She smiled with her Unnaturally white teeth

Closed lipped I smiled back And grabbed some paper She stared at me as I grasped At anything to say for her

I jotted down lines Inspired by someone else She kissed me so deep So pleased with herself

I couldn't stand her lips And left her in bed Maybe she never wondered Who I wrote for instead

My love for you is not Always declarations and Milestone celebrations Or flowery similes Of the moon and the stars And what lies beyond death

More often it is you Laughing across the room Because the cat farted And I am enduring it Because I want to cuddle Even though she smells

The time I spend alone Is so precious and Soul filling, it is needed

My time away is a Haven, a grove A quiet reserve I call home

And my heart is so full Of myself, known, I Am satisfied, quenched

I am far from her now That longing, if it's there, To be near her is rare

Driving through the hills A little after dinner time I speed in the right lane.

"Don't worry," I sound very reassuring, "I know where I'm going."

I need my glasses And I can't admit to him That actually I can't see And I"m a little lost.

He needs some reassurance Which I hand out like mints, Maybe if I sugar coat it He won't know it's a little harsh, A bit too fresh, with a bite.

It's too cold for rain, Too warm for snow So we don't know what's coming down.

But we are. I'm having a panic attack While laughing at his story.

I wan't to turn around, I've missed the exit. "Trust me," I say "It's okay."

So he does But he shouldn't.

Curiosity Is not always dangerous It's not killed this cat

It's just hair Sometimes I am Covered in it Sometimes it Isn't there It doesn't matter Much to me Whether I am Blanked or bare I thought That it defined me Or that one way Made you want me I don't know Why I cared But you shaved Above my lip What I thought You wanted there So I still think It's why you left me That it was just Because of hair

This dreary morning January rain Falling onto icy snow Makes my eyes feel Heavy and tired

Roads caked with slush Cars splash through Brownish gray waves And I fall Down into the sludge

I sink like this month This month of melancholy I am crumbling Into these dirty waters Let me sleep in them

Let me sleep until This downpour lets up Until then I am fatigued These rains Beat me into submission

I'm so terrified Of lava I dream of it Flowing up mountains