When The Divine Was Forming Me Up In The Heavens I Was Born A Soul

Let the wind take it Dissolve into the air The remnants of our Horrible affair

Let the storms have it And with force blown away So I won't think of You for one more day

I will be whatever you need to see in me today, My body a canvas open to interpretation. Here I am soft, delicate as silk; There I am sharp, rugged as stone. I am shifting, gliding, reshaping myself, I am swimming through the waters of my gender, Moving from room to room In this house I am calling my body.

But I am twisting in the hallway, Arms and legs spilling through every door; I am too much at once and so never quite enough. Tell me what you want, I will shape myself to fit. Make me compatible with your desire Until I forget the shape of myself entirely.

(In your rejection I’ve flooded our home, Drowning in the rooms where you once wanted me.)

This dreary morning January rain Falling onto icy snow Makes my eyes feel Heavy and tired

Roads caked with slush Cars splash through Brownish gray waves And I fall Down into the sludge

I sink like this month This month of melancholy I am crumbling Into these dirty waters Let me sleep in them

Let me sleep until This downpour lets up Until then I am fatigued These rains Beat me into submission

I feel far from you for the first time The first time the oceans have mattered The first time the world has felt large And vast, and endless, and where are you?

When you have been here in my heart And I am searching and scavenging Scouring and raving mad in my uncertainty Like you are around me but not here

Like we rowed in separate little boats Me by the shore, you off on the horizon You were always just out there by the sun But you have drifted into the light, away

I always felt you in my mind but it is quiet I tell you tales that you don't hear You have interests and friends I don't know For the first time you feel like a stranger

Don't sit with me today It's not a day For togetherness

It is a day for uncertainty For distance For dissonance

How do I give a voice To my anger When I have banished it To the corner For whispering? Like it is the child I am ashamed of, Or that if I were to Let it speak It might scream And never stop

I've passed off so many Thoughts to you, Anger, I'm sorry For making you bear That burden When I had never given You the chance to Grow strong So you might know how To stand by me

And I'm sorry, I never Trusted you Because you hurt So often in the past, I chose serenity, I needed it But I felt you, Simmering inside me Squashed down when All you wanted Was just to be heard

I didn't put you on a pedestal for worship I lifted you up As high as you deserved Which was, of course, very high What is it like in the sky? I am grounded I promise It was never just the idea of you How I wish you would touch me down here

I am haunted By a world Where you No longer Exist

I am broken By such an Intense Lack of You

Make me a home inside you Build me a room With a lock and a key That you keep on a chain Around your neck

I have been a wandering soul But cage me and keep me With fire and fervor I am yours, I am yours In this room you are mine

Make me a home inside you Build me a room Of blackest obsidian For I am molten I could so easily melt you

Your neck is a canvas For the brush of my lips Wondering if we ever Had a chance at innocence A roguish glance as We walk towards the church My hand tugging you Down the blustering Sidewalk of fluttering Freshly dying leaves

We stroll side by side With familiar ease A lifetime's worth Of rising, setting suns You wear my sweatshirt You smell like me And weave yourself into The fabric of my being Our love was never Just in the leaving

Climb up the steeple Ring the bell with me Summon the flock of sheep Do they know they Worship at our feet? In cold October mornings High above the chapel The two of us are no sin Up here on my knees I'll give you my sermon