Tolkien: The Actual Battle Isn’t That Important. This Is Bilbo’s Story, And He’s Not A Warrior.

One does not simply burn toast without calling the toaster a dick.

Every time my hooded eye-self looks at makeup techniques or inspo.

I've decided I'm going to refer to "humble bragging" as "the glass is half full of yourself."

Workout time! Does vigorous masturbation count as a warm up?

Love is knowing your person would snort coke off your boobs if they did coke.

Eye contact = too much intimacy. Touching hair= ah, perfect.

"I can't sleep. I feel like I should do something productive, but what?" *looks around at clothes-strewn room* "What could I possibly do in the wee hours?" *Walks past exercise gear to put another plate on the pile* "My only option is to fuck around on the computer."

I don't claim to be certain about many things, but one thing I'm one hundred per cent sure of is that The Pythons wrote this scene as a metaphor for my relationship with Life.

Why is there not an ice cream delivery service?

I demand answers.

The real reason I became a vegetarian.