I Don’t Remember What Happened To Me

there needs to be a name

for that horrible, sickening discomfort that comes with talking about trauma aloud

it’s shame, but that word is not enough

it is not strong enough.

“shame” is within the range of normal emotions. this is…something else. this runs deeper. this is something that lives in the same primitive brain structures as fear – fear, most powerful of emotions – but has the developed frontal-lobe sophistication of a more complex feeling.

it’s more shame than i can express. it’s a very physical feeling. something inside me recoils. i hate that i have to confront this horrific feeling to talk about my trauma in therapy.

Unlocking a traumatizing memory that’s haunting you like 

This is for all of you who wonder what emotional abuse is. It is not a definitive list but it gives you an idea. Emotional abuse takes many forms, you can still have gone through it even if most of these don’t fit your experience. 

a lot of people don’t seem to understand that “being suicidal” doesn’t mean that you’re actively attempting suicide, or harming yourself. you could be suicidal and not self harm. you could be suicidal and not attempt. 

so please dont think someone is faking their suicidal tendencies just because they dont “seem like it”. just because you dont see physical scars on them doesnt mean theyre fighting a hard battle in their head.

“shitty memory” aesthetic

-giving ur friends the same information over and over because u forgot u ever gave it to them

-opening up a new text post only to forget what u were going 2 say

-never changing a wall calendar/needing to look up what day of the week something will be

-literally not being able to remember what happened yesterday/an hour ago/five minutes ago

-forgetting where ur going/what ur doing in the middle of doing it

-flipping through the beginning of a book because u forgot some characters and plot development

-making a typo, make a mental note to fix it, get up to do something, keep typing without fixing the typo

-”haha ur memory cant be THAT bad”

-it can be

-reminding urself 2 do something but u forget

-writing reminders, forgetting that u wrote a reminder/forgetting what was on the reminder/forgetting where u put the reminder

-”just put something in ur room out of place before u go 2 sleep” and ur room has so much shit on the floor u wouldnt even be able 2 tell whats out of place

-alternately: doing the above and then forgetting what it was supposed to remind u of

-did that happen or was i dreaming

-i was gonna put something here but i FORGOT it and i HATE it

i need one of those “fragile, handle with care” stamps they put on breakable packages but like. all over me.