As I’ve Been A Teenager I’ve Had A Multitude Of Identity Crises. At First I Thought I Was Pan In

I know! Though I do think that some of them might’ve had platonic crushes (”squishes”) rather than romantic crushes, but yeah romance doesn’t compute or make sense. It definitely seems subjective and varying on the individuals boundaries and then to add on top of that there’s also trauma and just one’s overall lived experience, though I do notice that some people will change their boundaries once getting to know someone as it can be a little awkward when getting to know someone in general. So yeah, basically I 100% agree with what you said above, as they don’t seem serious, but maybe they could be, not like I know.

It funny how I was able to accept that I was ace, granted I was in denial about it for some time. Then I realized I was aro and was like…”NONONO…I know I have no desire to date anyone, but NONONONONONONOnonono….I haven’t dated anyone…I don’t know what a crush feels like, let alone attraction!!! I’ve never had any fantasies!!! Wait-…people fantasize ABOUT ONE ANOTHER?!! I wouldn’t date any stranger or my friends!!!” and then I had the most funny thought at a certain point (before I knew the term aromantic) and it was, “Well maybe if I move countries I’ll be able to fall in love!!!!”, and meanwhile when romance/sex would show up in media I’d be like “Where is the plot?! Why did we lose the plot?! People actually want this?! WAIT-?! Do people act like this?!”. I also thought people were just deadass lying when they said they experienced crushes in kindergarten, which they probably weren’t lying. I will say though I do love food. I mean pesto is an absolute god. Chocolate is amazing (though if don’t like chocolate that’s cool too, same with any other food). But bread…oh my god! I love naan, rolls, and most breads.

I love how I started out writing a comic book, while thinking I must be cis and pan, and now that I’m nearing the end of it, I’m trans, non-binary, and aroace. Granted, before that I thought I was cishet, and kinda just denying way too many fucking things about myself. Upon admitting them through storytelling, I somehow feel much much gayer. This is probably because I feel more comfortable in my skin now. Thank you for my TEDTalk.

A rant about being aromantic as well as asexual while being a teen

It sucks dude. I feel behind and a part of me doesn’t care, but another part of me is going, “WHY ME?!”. And some of it, at least for me, is in part due to trauma, and also lack of attraction. Sometimes I just wish I could feel something, you know. I also don’t want to be in a qpr with anyone, but I just want friends. The problem is due to trust issues I’m scared to hug them and stuff, so that causes me to get a bit touch starved, even though I could just ask. Everything is just scary. I do love my friends in the most platonic way and that’s it. They are truly wonderful people, but I wish I could...well fit in more sometimes. I know that it’s sappy and honestly not the best outlook to want to fit in, but I just wonder what it feels like to fit in, or perhaps everyone is just faking it regardless. I’m a bit sad and scared my friends will leave me for their partner(s), though I don’t think they would, as one of them is dating some peeps and they’re really chill and equally care and I guess I’m scared that I’m just not loved by my friends. I think they do love me and I have this tendency to give to much and never relax because I’m just a people pleaser. So overall, I’m just a lil’ lonely and sad and I wanted to rant on here because people seem pretty chill.

It’s funny being somewhat extroverted and being aroace. I love it! I feel like a double agent.

Also the line between romance and friendship is so convoluted at this point that I really don’t see the difference. People kiss their friends. They make out with their friends. I mean people even fuck their friends. So where is the line. I’d say it depends on a) your boundaries, b) how you feel, and c) and where you’re at right now. Basically, all of it is subjective and I can’t tell when people are in relationships, so I always assume that they are friends cause I can’t tell. 

I know it isn’t the best to be “pal paling” people, but I wouldn’t deem it a bad thing. There’s barely any aro-spec representation. Everyone has a story to tell, and perhaps even through little things, you should share your story.

On a side note, I’m literally creating a story because I decided to create my own representation. First it was for gender, now it’s for ma sexuality and romantic orientation.

Things I shoulda known

I really should’ve known I was non-binary because I didn’t understand the binary at all, like I do, but it just was like a sock that never fit. When I did discover the term it made me a bit sad, but I had this huge wave of relief and was happy that I could finally be myself. All gender bathrooms are the best, no questions asked. Now onto my sexuality...I really shoulda known I was ace..I mean dude, I literally couldn’t say the word “sex” for years. I have a list of alternatives...quite literally. It’s funny cause one of my friends knew before I did. Now onto my romanticism...I never understood romance..but I was fully convinced that I was a pan/panro...I was really wrong. I hadn’t had well, any crushes (faked ‘em to a T). I found out I was demiplatonic and realized I have squishes on occasion (literally my besties...I love them so SO much...I wanna hang and talk philosophy with both of ‘em), and that I might not be as introverted as I thought. Imma get real existential real quick, but I really am grateful that in the little time that I’ve had on this planet, that I will never experience falling in love or sexual attraction because I’ll have a whole ‘nother experience than somebody else. I’ll change in different ways. My experience may not be common, but I’m grateful that I get to have it. 

I dunno...some more rambles

So I’m aroace...pretty sure I’m repulsed by romance and sex, but like sometimes the romance is just fucking cute and sex scenes are just a bore...like dude....I’m lookin’ for actual plot (also sometimes when they come up I’m like...welp I guess it’s a death day). Anyways, I’m working on being romance and sex positive because I wanna respect other people, even if I don’t necessarily understand it. But also when I read loveless I didn’t necessarily know I was aroace...and I was like “I gotta experience some ATTRACTION!”...so I thought I was aroflux/aceflux and then I saw Jaiden Animations video and it finally clicked...but now I know why I thought many things were stange. HURRAH!!! Also a-spec peeps, have some cake or garlic bread or really just some food...cause food is legit. 

So I created a gofundme because I want to get top surgery in the near future and I dunno where else to post, so yeah I’m a bit desperate, even though it’ll be in the future...so yeah...anything will help...oh also I have a story I’m working on called Tales of Contradiction, which you can find on tapas.io

Here’s the link:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/i-want-to-learn-to-fly-again?utm_source=customer&utm_medium=copy_link&utm_campaign=p_cf+share-flow-1

Not to get personal...but this shit ‘boutta get personal...oh how I dream of teet yeet

I remember when I was younger, mystique was one of my favorite characters, I mean they could shapeSHIFT! In other words I’m trans, and shoulda realized that maybe that was a sign. GOD SO MANY SIGNS!! I remember in middle school I was sad that we couldn’t do co-ed sports and everyone wanted to do boys vs. girls. Another this is that I fought with my dad or someone about how everyone had adam’s apples, granted still not wrong, but I dunno what I was going for? And then there were all those times I had to wear clothing that I wasn’t comfortable in to go to church...would literally cry when I had to wear tights because it caused dysphoria. And then well puberty started and I didn’t like having boobs. Still don’t. Sports bras were ma besties and they got replaced by ma binder. I can’t wait till I can get top surgery in the future at some point. Also I dunno if breast cancer runs in family, though it does on my dad’s side, but he hasn’t tested yet, so that’s no to great, but yeah that makes two reasons to do the...TEET YEET!!! Also I remember once I wore a normal and goddamn never felt more unlike my self. Oh and then there was overcompensating in middle school because I wanted to be like my sisters, but I knew some shit was up, and you know/have an idea of the rest. 

I’m so fucking aro and ace