I Need Kili To Be Considered Kind Of A Weirdo By Dwarven Standards - Bro Doesn't Have Any Beads Or Braids

the fellowship of the ring as bizarre t shirts

tag yourself I'm delululemon

Thorin would def be the type of parent/guardian who goes through every single name he knows before he lands on the person he’s actually trying to speak to. like in a bagginshield shire au he’d be trying to call for Frodo and it’d go like “Fili! wait no- Kili- fuck- Dís- what? Gim- oh come on- Myrtle- Mahal that was the pony. What’s his name? FRODO!”

failed courtship

Please like this I worked on it all week

Ok so

I love Dís

I love how everyone has decided that she's the most competent Durin out of her family and has the Durin Brain cell whos not afraid of tell Thorin to fuck off and make fun of him

I love that for her

But

I think it would be really funny if she does lose all of that it when it comes to love

Which means....she gives bad courting advice

She boasts about how she manages to marry her One

But imagine her husband is the only one who knows how embarrassing bad it was but he loves her anyway so he didn't comment on it to not hurt her feelings and

Well

Now imagine this

Thorin comes to Dís for advice on how to court Bilbo cuz who else can he ask because she's the only one (aside from Gloin and he's not asking Gloin when he should have) who's married

She gives him advice of what she did for her late husband and he follows that

Cue to Bilbo being very very confused

I’ve had this headcannon for so long I’ve forgotten it’s not actually canon but I like to think that hobbits are sort of like billy goats in a way. That they can eat just about everything. Immunity to most poisons, able to eat raw or even rotten meat and vegetables without getting sick (though it’s more out of desperation then actual want) and so on.

To add on to this I like to think that because of this hobbits tend to have extremely high tolerance when it comes to alcohol and other narcotics. They can drink as much as a full grown dwarf and barely be tipsy. Which would lean more into their reputation for very high quality smoke and drink.

I’ve thought about possible reasons for this and most start with some sort of famine hundreds of years prior that made them evolve to be able to survive with little to nothing, forcing them to eat foods that to most aren’t even edible. Poisonous mushrooms, rotten meat, venomous bugs, straight up dirt.

Obviously since hobbits current day tend to be seen as a wealthy but humble sort of race I’d imagine the days of famine are long gone but the traits that let them survive have stayed, evolving more into letting them eat large quantities of food probably with some trade off of needing to sleep less or something. But the average weight for the race has grown as the extra food and less time spent foraging for such food has made them rounder

Anyway this has all combined into this idea in my head that every so often bilbo will eat something near the company, probably during the trip when they were extremely low on food, something that the dwarfs most certainly couldn’t eat without dying but bilbo would neglect to inform them of how strong a hobbits stomach is and the company would collectively freak tf out

Along with that I’d imagine later down the road (we’re heading into shipping territory) that if thorin and bilbo got married that would upset quite a lot of people, a hobbit and a dwarf, could you even imagine??? Royal marriages do tend to always upset at least one person but obviously that would raise the possibility of an assignation attempt. The good ole “poison their food”. I’d imagine Bilbo would make some comment about the food tasting odd but continue eating it no problem just for a guard or someone to burst into the room to inform them about the attempt on bilbos life, however bilbos bowl is currently empty and home boy seems just fine. I’d imagine thorin would be extremely dramatic about the whole thing, refusing to let Bilbo sleep so he can keep an eye on him the rest of the night in case he starts dying, much the bilbos irritation.

I’d also imagine that because of their resistance to famine and odd foods, plus the extra weight that if in a situation where truly no food is present, they could go for much longer time periods without eating and be just fine, though maybe slightly uncomfortable

Word vomiting over.

Pookie…

The doomed timeloop yaoi

The Hobbit but Angst Bagginshield!

- [ ] Essentially a Deadpool Bilbo, but with s slower regeneration

Everything that could’ve gone wrong with Bilbo and the “adventure” Gandalf sent him on did, he had died numerous times with no one the wiser. It was only when Thorin, in his gold suck haze, threw Bilbo from the top of the wall did the rest of the company watch him die.

Gandalf, having grabbed his broken and bruised body, took him back to the Elvin camp. After some time he came back and briefly explained what/ how his powers worked and how they came to be. When what hobbit called the “fell winter” happened he was supposed to have died alongside his parents but awoke a week after they tried to flee across the brandybuck river.

Later he learns what became of the company following his demise, Thorin now broken out of his gold sick, had retreated further into the dark halls for what he’s done to his Amrâlimê, the others just sit in the dinning hall and wait for the hordes of goblins and orcs to take them.

Hearing this, Bilbo quickly dresses and marches from Dale to the stone wall he was thrown from two days prior. Using the rope he left on the side, he quickly scaled to the top and began the search for his dwarves and his missing king

Dwarves reactions to him still being alive

I imagine it happens during the battle when he saves Thorin, the princes, or Dwalin? Just keeping it the same as the movie.

I could also see Bilbo in all his self righteous nature being like, “I mean they already know I can’t die 🤷🏼‍♀️” and throws himself between Thorin and the white orcs blade.

Thorin and Bilbo can fix things and hold each other after the battle was won, just like the movie should have ended! 😂