When They Have Emotional Damage And Dark Hair,,,

Title : I’ll Always Want You

Pairing : Loki x Reader

Summary : Sigyn returned many many years later after Loki and her broke up. She is unconscious and Loki wants to put an end to this chapter with her and share how much he loves Y/N with her. What Loki didn’t realize was how long he had been spending at Sigyn’s bedside and how much he was hurting Y/N, his fiancé until she takes a life threatening mission.

————

It's been months since Sigyn came back. She remained unconscious but Y/N's fiancé, Loki, would constantly come home in all hours of the night. She rarely saw Loki anymore let alone felt his arms around her in something as simple as a hug. Sigyn was Loki's first love and his first fiancé. But when she left him, Loki was devastated, Y/N was the one who brought him out of the darkness. So she decided to start bringing her brother, Heimdall, his meals every night so that way she wouldn't be alone. She had held off on taking missions for a while just to be present for Loki but that all changed recently. She decided to take a risk.

"You are going on this mission alone little sister?" Heimdall asked as she had brought food to him every evening during his watch. "I know it's hard between you and the prince but..."

"I need a break alright? He's either with her unconscious form or fighting with me. At this point, I would be fine if I never came back..." Before he could respond to his little sister she teleported away to Loki and her's chambers.

"And where exactly have you been?" Loki snarled. She jumped, she had grown used to having the place all to herself and Loki had grown used to her always being home when he arrived. When she made eye contact with Loki, he looked angry and hurt. She scoffed and went to their room to pack her things. Loki went wide eyed at the cold response. Y/N had always been kind and caring towards him, not once has she ever been cold to him, even when they were fighting. His eyes practically jumped out of his skull when she replied to him coldly.

"You don't see the irony in your statement, 'my dear fiancé'?" The sarcastic tone on the last part stung him. She was his dear fiancé. He loved her with everything he had. He had just been waiting to close on that miserable chapter that is Sigyn for years. How could she not be understanding of that? How could she keep fighting with him on this? And now she was leaving on a hugely dangerous mission alone? Where she could die? Over his dead body! He followed Y/N as their fight continued.

"What irony is there?! You know where I am at all times!" Loki shouted. "Unlike you, I never know where you go!"

"And whose fault is that?! And you're right, I do know where you are, with your unconscious ex-fiancé!" She was surprised that she had tears left at all. "So what do you care where I have been?! You haven't cared in months!" She threw her stuff haphazardly into a bag. Refusing to look at him because in her mind, he no longer deserved to see her cry. She no longer trusted him with her vulnerability.

"You know I'm waiting on closure! You accepted it at the beginning!"

"YEAH 6 FUCKING MONTHS AGO!" She roared. She closed her bag and flung it over her shoulder. He was frozen in their bedroom's door frame. Had it really been that long? Had he been really so blind? She laughed coldly when she saw his face. "What? Didn't realize how long it had been since you have really been home and spent time with me? Time must really fly with your oh so precious Sigyn!" Loki's face paled. He then quickly hardened his face and stalked over to her. She stood her ground.

"SHE IS NOT MINE!" Loki roared. "YOU ARE MINE AND I REFUSE TO LET YOU GO ON THIS MISSION!"

"AM I YOUR'S LOKI?! HOW AM I YOUR'S?! AM I YOUR TOY?! YOUR POSSESSION?! OR YOUR FUTURE WIFE?!" Loki just stared in her cold, angry eyes for a long time. He studied her face and he grew to hate himself more and more as he stared at her. She then teleported away to the barracks to get her weapons and to not hear what she deemed already to be a lie, leaving a completely stunned and heart broken Loki who was also enraged. Enraged that Y/N was willing to risk her life rather than spend a moment with him to talk it out. Enraged with himself for doing this to the only woman who stuck by him through it all and she was supportive of Loki with getting closure. But he didn't have to wait in Sigyn's room. He could have been home, enjoying the life he now had with Y/N. He teleported to the bifrost but Heimdall said he was too late. She had already left and he explained the events he had missed over the past 6 months.

——

A couple days when by and Loki had not been to see Sigyn once. In fact, he never left their bedroom. Clinging to her pillow that still smelled like her. He messed up. When he first lifted the pillow he saw one of his favorite shirts and his heart shattered. The shirt was stained with tears. Her tears. How long had she been crying and Loki wasn’t here to comfort her? Loki now was wearing the shirt and crying himself to sleep, clinging to her pillow. He prayed to the Norns that she would return to him safely.

——

"Damn it..." Y/N muttered as she stumbled into their chambers. She clung to her side that still has a giant tooth sticking out of it. She was bloody and scratched up but refused to go to the healers ward. The mission itself was successful, if not for the difficulties. "FUCK!" She shouted as she fell face first to the floor, knocking over a stand by the couch as she did so. She groaned in pain as she rolled over onto her back. Her blood staining her clothes and now for sure the carpet.

"Darling?!" Loki rushed out of the bedroom to see her on the ground, blood all over her. She looked at him wide eyed, she didn't expect him to be home. "No... no no no NO! Where are you hurt?! I’ll help you." Loki shouted quickly running to her as he grabbed her first aid kit. He saw the huge tooth in her side as he lifted her onto his lap.

"I'm fine... just let me..." She started as she reached for her kit and Loki moved it just out of her reach as he interrupted her.

"Absolutely not! I know you are a grand warrior who has stitched herself up thousands of times, but you need help this time!" Loki looked at her with tear filled eyes. Pleading with her to let him help her. "Please... I can't let you die..."

"Ok..." She let Loki take the tooth out and stitch her up. She didn't say a word. She was sitting up and leaning against the couch. Loki was beginning to clean her wounds as she stared blankly at the wall ahead of her. "Why are you thinner? Didn't you eat the food I left you?"

"I... I haven't left our bedroom..." Loki said as he looked up at her. She was so hurt by him and she still made sure he would have been taken care of.

"Except to see Sigyn right?" Her voice cracked as she asked. More tears escaped her eyes and Loki couldn't help but gently pull her to his lap. If she weren't so tired and sore, she would have fought back but she also missed him. Even if he was most likely about to break her heart more. "Loki I..."

"I never left the bedroom... not once... I didn't want to see anyone..." he held her protectively and she went wide eyed. She wasn't expecting that answer. "Darling... I'm so so so sorry... I... I have neglected you for so long and just expected you to be there to support me. I have hurt you in a way that I promised myself I wouldn't. And I..."

"What happens when she wakes up Loki?" Loki was stunned when she held up the surprisingly clean engagement ring. She had slipped it off, which she only did to do dishes, mop, or clean the ring itself. Loki could tell by its state that she cleaned it before she returned home and must have every night she was gone. "Are you going to want this back? Might as well just tell me now." Her voice was broken.

"How could I have let this go so far?" Loki waived his hand then scooped her up bridal style. He took her to their bathroom and helped her stand. With one arm around her waist, pulling her close, Loki slipped the ring back on her finger. "There is no one else in the nine realms that I want more than you. I promise that I will never want this ring back. I was being selfish all these months and I promise to make it up to you for the rest of my life." Her tears fell freely and as she cried Loki helped her gently undress and into the hot bath he used his magic to draw. She winced though the temperature was perfect, it was all her cuts that stung. Her eyes were still spilling tears as Loki gently took care of her wounds and the blood caked in her hair. She melted into his touch, wishing that he truly would choose her over Sigyn, the girl that left him.

"L-Loki?" He smiled sadly at her. Even though she was calling for him in such a broken state, hearing her call his name sounded so sweet. He grabbed a towel and helped her out of the tub, carrying her bridal style to their bedroom. When he went to stand, she grabbed his hand and he bent back down to kiss her forehead.

"I'm just grabbing your night wear and your hair brush my love. I'm not going anywhere." She nodded and reluctantly let go of his hand. Even if his time with her was temporary, she wanted to cling to him while she had him. She didn't realize that Loki was being true. He had no feelings for Sigyn, he had feelings on how it was left. He didn't get closure because she ran away without so much as a word to him. Sure she left a note, telling him she no longer wanted to be with him but he needed to really close it on his end. He needed to tell her about the most amazing woman in the world and how Sigyn leaving brought her to him. But with that in his mind, he souly focused on that and in turn he had practically abandoned the love of his life. Leaving her in a touch starved state where she doubted her self worth and his love for her.

"Here Darling." Loki helped her get dressed, Y/N could do that much but the sentiment behind Loki's actions brought tears to her eyes again. Once dressed, Loki sat behind her and began to brush her hair. Gods she missed him so much and the weight of all the pain she was feeling was finally being lifted from her shoulders in tiny sobs that escaped her lips. She hated herself for crying so much, she tried so hard to not cry in front of him. "Oh Love..." Loki pulled her close to him after using his magic to change his blood stained shirt.

"I missed you..." She sniffled out. She buried her face into his chest and Loki felt his heart ache. He didn't realize how starved from her he truly was.

"I missed you too my love..." Loki began to cry himself. How could he be so stupid? Why did Sigyn matter at all? Why did he do this? He pulled her closer and feathered kisses all over the top of her head. She giggled a little and Loki's heart fluttered. "Oh it's been way too long since I have heard that sound." Loki gently placed her on her back and hovered over her. Feathering more kisses all over her face as she blushed brightly.

"H-Hey..." Loki stopped looking at her puzzled. "You keep missing..." She suddenly felt very shy like when they were first dating. Loki smirked knowing exactly what she wanted. He captured her lips slowly, savoring her taste. Y/N cried yet again as she wrapped her arms around Loki to pull him closer. It grew needier and their hands began to roam up each other. The kiss broke when Y/N winced. She pouted when Loki chuckled and left a lingering kiss on her forehead.

"When you are better Darling I promise to take excellent care of you."

——

A couple weeks went by and Loki never left Y/N's side. Anywhere she went, he went. He saw what she had been up to for 6 months and he was shocked. She had kept up with Frigga's garden after she died last year and he absolutely had no idea that it was her. He thought maybe Frigga's servants were doing it but no, it was his fiancé. They then went to help train the royal guard. Of course Loki didn't allow her to do so but he followed her instructions to the letter. Then she told him she would take tiny missions but she went silent when he asked why the tiny ones. He felt it best to just drop it since he figured it was because she wanted to be back the same day in hopes to see him. And finally he went to take Heimdall's meal to him and gaze out at the universe.

"How long... does she stay out here?" Loki reluctantly asked Heimdall. He chuckled and sighed at the prince's question.

"She usually stays to talk to Mother and the Queen, asking for guidance on what to do and to avoid going home alone." Loki just stared at Y/N who clearly was enjoying the view. "I hope the troubles are over."

"They are. I promise." Heimdall was about to say something when a healer ran into the bifrost.

"My prince... she is awake and asking for you." Loki's eyes widen and Y/N's figure stiffens. She looks down at her ring and plays with it with her thumb.

"Darling I..."

"It's ok..." Y/N turns to him with a sad smile and tears brimming her eyes. "Go." Her tone was kind and heart breaking all at once. Loki rushed to Y/N and captured her lips with his.

"I promise you on my own life, I'm not leaving you. I won't leave you... In fact..." Loki pulled her close to him and teleported to Sigyn's room. Sigyn doesn't jump like Y/N does when Loki teleports in surprise. Immediately comparing herself, she bows her head down.

"It appears I am too late." Sigyn simply states. Loki turns around to face his ex.

"You came back because you were lonely. Your lover died so you quickly abandon your new home to come crawling back. You didn't think I would find someone else." Loki takes Y/N's hand and her eyes wide in shock. "This is the real love of my life. She has never once left my side and I have done more heinous things than when I was with you. She stood by me and catered to me. She isn't afraid to call me out on my crap. Y/N isn't just along for the ride to fill some void. She truly loves me and I truly love. So I demand that you leave us be."

"How can I argue with that when you haven't looked at me once since your arrival here." Y/N looks up at Sigyn in shock at her words then turns her attention to Loki, whose eyes were watching Y/N intently. Y/N opened her mouth to say something but Loki smiled at her silencing her immediately. He really was choosing her and not Sigyn. Tears fell from her eyes as she sniffled.

"Damn it... I keep crying..." Loki chuckled, kissing his fiancé's head.

"I told you that there truly is no one else? Do you believe me now?" She nodded as she sniffles.

"Not that I don't find this moment touching and not that I don't find it interesting to see a decorated warrior cry so much, but if you two could do this somewhere else?" Sigyn stated. Loki didn't respond to Sigyn, he just teleported the two of them to their chambers. Loki refused to let go of Y/N.

"Mine." Y/N giggled at Loki and nodded her head.

"Yes, yours." Y/N smiled up at him. "As long as you want me."

"I'll always want you."

"When people say impossible they usually mean improbable"

- Nikolai Lantsov

Nikolai lanstov aesthetic

Pics from pinterest

Who do we want to comfort us?

This is something I’ve come to realize recently.

So we are aware that MaDD is a coping mechanism. A way to satisfy some sort of hole in our present life or to escape. I want to focus on the former here. That being, MaDD acting as a compensating mechanism. I am someone who has struggled with emotionally expressing myself as well with alot of feelings of invalidation. I think I’ve used MaDD to live out my emotions in scenarios where they feel justified. And like I’ve mentioned in previous posts I think MaDD provides me a place to spit out all those negative emotions without fear of consequences.

All of this is to say that I believe that I daydream to compensate for what I feel like I lack in my real life. And recently I’ve come to the realization that one of the things I feel I lack is comfort from those around me. At times I am struck with a strong desire to be comforted. And I think I’ve used my daydreams as a stand in for when I couldn’t reach out to those around me.

And then something changed.

It can be pretty difficult to be self aware of oneself when you experience maladaptive daydreaming. It can be hard at times to get to the root as to why your daydreams manifest the way they do. At least it has been for me. If I am to get to the root of things I really have to consciously take a step back and analyze my daydreams. Which I rarely do given that I’m nearly always submerged in them, hence the difficulty with self-awareness. 

A little awhile ago, after noticing this re-occurring desire for comfort I stood back and asked myself, “So who am I desiring comfort from in my real life”. My thoughts being that all my daydreams stretched back to the real world and that by noting what I wanted in my actual life I could satisfy these wants, and thus maybe dampen the daydreaming. 

But as I searched my mind as to who I desired comfort from in my life my mind came back nearly blank. In fact I found that when running through all the people in my life, my question wasn’t “Do I want comfort from this person?” but rather “If I had to choose who I wanted to get comfort from who would it be?”. I came up with one person. This is all to say that I suddenly realized that I didn’t want the people in my life to comfort me at all. I think originally I did, but somewhere along the road it changed. And I noted in numb surprise that I wanted comfort specifically from my paras. I wanted their attention and affection, not anyone’s else.

This may not seem like news to some of you. But for me it was. I assumed that the reason why I sought out comfort from my pars was because I couldn’t do that in my real life. And I do think this was the case initially. But in my effort to forge comfort I got so attached to the way my paras provided it that I stopped wishing to receive it from actual people. This is not good. And I have to say it was bit of sad realization. 

i may have to write a post about what “getting comfort” looks like in my paracosms. It’s misleading, making it sound like I daydream of back rubs and affirming words, but more often than not my daydreams are of my parame in the act of desperately seeking out comfort from their paras. Yes I may write more about that later.

But for now, this new realization was something I wanted to post. I think at times I start to believe that I’m not that attached or “into” my paracosms. That they’re just a fun little side distraction, but then I have these realizations and I am forced to face some bitter truths…

vilf (villain I'd like to fuck)

[id: screenshots of tiktok captions. the images say, “but the only reason we still love princess diana is because she did not have the time to disappoint us.”]

begging queer kids to read up on princess diana’s involvement with the community. yes, she was a rich, pretty monarch. yes, she died young.

but the reason why queer people love her is because she used her privilege during the aids crisis to advocate for sick queer men, when very few others would - much less someone of her status.

diana spent years advocating for the health and care of queer people with hiv/aids. in 1987, at the height of the epidemic, she opened the first specialist clinic dedicated to treating aids patients (the first clinic of it’s kind in the uk).

she also fought public hysteria by hugging and shaking bare hands with aids patients, at a time when aids was thought to be spread by skin to skin contact. not only that, she visited patients in the clinic regularly and even comforted them through their sickness.

and when queen elizabeth told her to try focusing on “something more pleasant”?

diana ignored her and kept fighting.

and this is only her work towards the aids crisis. she publicly called out the royal family, brought attention to numerous world issues, and was known as an advocate for empathy and kindness. she’s known and loved as the people’s princess for good reason

helloooooo, can you do luka x reader cuddling headcanons? 👀👀

❝Luka x Reader cuddling headcanons❞

(I'm sorry for the long wait, anyway I hope you'll enjoy it <33)

↬Fluff, headcanons

↬Warnings/TW: None

-Luka wouldn’t be the type to be immediately touchy or clingy with you, not until he makes sure that you’re comfortable enough around him.

-But if there’s one thing that Luka loves, it’s your cuddling sessions. When you cuddle, it’s usually before going to sleep or while a movie is playing in the background.

-You also love to nap on the Liberty’s deck taking in Luka’s warmth and the sun’s.

-Luka enjoys being both the big and little spoon so you’d alternate. He loves being the big spoon so he can engulf you in his embrace, nuzzling in your hair and playing with it if you ask him too.

-He’d tuck his arms around your waist and press soft kisses to the nape of your neck, taking in your warmth and comforting scent.

-He’d trace small shapes on your skin, run his fingers up your arms, making his way to your cheek and gently caressing it.

-If he’s the small spoon, he’d snuggle up against your chest to listen to your heartbeat while you play with his blue hair strands, sometimes braiding a few of them when he’d let his hair grow a bit too much.

-He’d ask you to sing for him even if you think you have a bad voice. It didn’t matter; he loved listening to your voice. Anything that came out of your mouth in those moments sounded like music to his ear.

-He’ll usually ask about your day while you’re cuddling after a long day of not seeing each other. Luka is a great listener, so he’d always pay close attention to whatever you’re saying even if it might seem boring to you.

-Insomnia is something Luka struggles with frequently but cuddling with you helps him a lot. Even if he still can’t sleep, he’d just stay awake admiring your sleeping figure, tracing your features with his fingertips, and peppering your face with kisses.

-If he accidentally wakes you up he’d start muttering apologies and rub your back up and down to coax you into sleep again.

-If you can’t sleep he’d tell you a bedtime story but would mix up the tales and both of you end up arguing - “No that’s not how the story ends” you protest, “Well, that’s mom’s version” he replies amused by your annoyance. So he’d stick to reading you a book instead.

-Sometimes you’d stay awake to keep him company, enjoying your late-night talks.

-In the morning, it’s hard for both of you to get out of bed. Your limbs tangled together as well as your hearts, you’d stay in bed for a while, savoring each other’s warmth until Luka gets up to make breakfast.

do you all ever miss one of your old daydreams and the characters that it had? it feels like a old movie or book that i once watched or read. Sometimes like friends that i used to hang out with.

I really miss one of my daydreams now and i wish i could watch it all over again. That was one of my favourite. I even have some of the dialogues written in my notes and a drawing.

This is your daily reminder that Luka Couffaine deserves the world

bound by a secret;

c: peter parker x gn!reader;

wc: 0.9k

an: i hate writing on my phone and bc i don't have my laptop rn, enjoy this rushed scenario that it's haunting me since nwh <3

ps: i imagined andrew garfield's spider-man, but you can imagine the one you like the most mwah

"Wait," Peter held your hand as you walked away from him, forcing you to stop in your tracks and stare at him curiously, your steps slowly approaching your boyfriend. "There is something I want to tell you."

his tone was serious, Peter's beautiful eyes running away from you, too scared, too anxious, too nervous to face you.

"Okay.."

your smile quickly faded from your face, your eyes attentively catching every move Peter made.

"its a secret."

your heart began to beat rapidly.

a secret.

you've known Peter forever, your childhoods crossing the streets of your neighborhood playing together and your adolescences gathering in libraries embellished by the tender exchanges of glances you couldn't disguise. years were spent side by side, conversations and games gaining great prominence in your lives, a whole storybook to be filled with the memories you shared.

as such, there were no secrets between you.

or so you thought.

"Okay..."

Peter took a deep breath and grabbed your other hand, trying to borrow a little of your own strength so he could have the courage to verbalize the various words that dazzled his mind.

calm and clearly; Peter just needed to be calm and clearly declaim the speech he had rehearsed so many times in front of the mirror. Peter just needed to be calm. Peter just needed to speak clearly.

"I am Peter Parker."

silence followed Peter's words as you stared at him, confused and somewhat amused.

"I am aware of that."

it was hard to talk without laughing after Peter's confession, your words sounding so fast and jumbled that they took Peter by surprise.

"What?" he looked at you and quickly noticed your smile that was beginning to form. his words replayed in his mind and brought him some lucidity, and embarrassment, making him even more nervous and letting the whole alphabet mix in his mind and run over itself every time he opened his mouth. "No. No! I mean, I am Peter Parker, of course! I am, yes. But what I mean is that I am Peter-man."

"and here i was, thinking you were Peter Pan."

a small laugh escaped your mouth as Peter let out a grunt of frustration followed by a muffled laugh.

he dropped your hands and stared at you seriously, the tension settling once more after a brief moment of relief caused by Peter's nervousness.

silence formed once more and the secret remained untouchable, inaudible, non-existent.

until he opened his mouth once more, this time clearly and calm, formulating the three words he had rehearsed for nights on end.

"I am Spider-man."

Peter's secret fled across the roof of the school, scattering the crucial information across the vast streets of New York, preventing that hero's identity from being known to the wind itself.

Peter's secret was released and told, a huge weight from Peter's shoulders flying at his little words, his back feeling instantly lighter as soon as his confession was heard by you.

but there was no reaction.

Peter was staring at you impatiently while you looked at him as if you were still waiting for something more in his speech. there was no blink or smile, no monosyllables or laughter. you just didn't give anything. Peter Parker has revealed himself to you and you have given him nothing.

"oh, was that it?"

when time seemed to have been consumed by the rudeness with which you dealt with the revelation, your words stabbed Peter's ears, waking a small dramatic flame within him.

"What do you mean 'that's it"?! I just gave you the revelation of the year and you just say that? seriously?!"

Peter's screams were always funny to you, especially when you knew there was drama and outrage behind him and never, ever, hate or anger.

"I just don't think it's such a big revelation when I've known it for months."

"you what?"

a squeak from Peter, a laugh from you, an autumn breeze.

"the fact that you're always late for our dates just minutes after Spider-man saved New York? the fact that you got incredibly strong overnight? the fact that you forgot to hide your suit when I went to your house last month?"

Peter was speechless.

glaring at you in the last rays of the day's sun, Peter didn't know if he should be upset or impressed; your words echoed through Peter's head, making him laugh as reality hit him, his hand once again reaching for yours, while the other held you by the waist.

"so it's no secret?"

"nope, sorry. you know you can't keep secrets from me."

he pulled you to him with care, now his two hands gently holding your waist as you rock your bodies according to a song just dictated by the vast universe witness of your everlasting love.

"not even one?" he brushed his nose against yours, teasing your lips with his as he waited for an answer from you, the smile he possessed being simply mischievous.

"nope."

"what if I tell you I love you? Is that a secret?"

finally, a kiss.

"It's more like a promise."

"a promise?" he brought your foreheads together, the sunset light painting your love on a city canvas in the hopes of preserving the confession of your love for all eternity.

"a promise you will never leave me. or lose me."

Peter smiled and kissed you again, his fingers gently squeezing your waist as he let the autumn breeze take with it all the words spoken at that moment.

for, among you, bound by a secret, there was nothing but a promise made for the first time.