Emmrich Volkarin Would Be Such A Disruptive Presence To The Local Online Dating App Pools. An Innocuous

Emmrich Volkarin would be such a disruptive presence to the local online dating app pools. An innocuous hookup with a handsome Vincent Price looking older guy. He's unsinister. Clearly takes care of himself. One of his profile pictures is from the day he got his doctorate. He shows up to the agreed-upon location and he's brought flowers. Okay...whatever. Some decent food (UberEats? The Chinese place on the corner? Maybe he cooks?) and some crazy hot sex later and the subject of his very soft hands just so happens to come up. Oh, he says. It's the embalming fluid. EMBALMING FLUID? OKAY. Dude's a mortician. Sure.

He gets up and puts on his clothes. He stares out the window for a few moments. Just long enough to be a little awkward.

"Do you have an uncle who recently passed?" he says. "By the name of Gerard. Gerry?"

WHAT.

"I'm so sorry," he sighs, dragging a hand through his hair. "He wants to tell you that your mother hid something from you underneath the floorboards of the blue bedroom. Does that make sense?"

Unfortunately, yes.

"Right," says Emmrich Volkarin. His hair is still sticking up from being clutched into by ecstatic hands. He is ten minutes post-orgasm and looks so, so annoyed. He only brightens a little when he says, "Thank you for a lovely night. You were wonderful."

Then he leaves in an almost-silent swish of expensive trousers and a plume of even more expensive cologne.

The only further contact from him is a message that says Your uncle spoke to me before we retired to your bedroom. I assure you his spirit was not present or aware of our sexual encounter.

I'm gonna need you to lose my number Emmrich, is the response from most people

There is a sadness about him.

He's sweet, considerate. He can do crazy things with his tongue. He also needs someone who can match his freak on a molecular level.

Understood, he responds.

At some point he pops up on the TV because he's become a regular on a well-loved YouTube channel. One of those phenomenally popular longform documentary-style series about ghosts or true crime. He's apparently the expert medium. The host of the show, some thirty-something named after a chess piece, looks at him like he hung the stars while he monologues about demons who imitate children. Or something.

Good for him.

More Posts from Racheloleo and Others

1 month ago
Me:

Me:

Me:
Me:
7 months ago

Me, innocently playing Veilguard: Wow, I usually fall for non-romance-able NPCs, I'm surprised I'm starting Act 2 and not geeking out over anyone yet.

Me, upon meeting Makal Damas: Okay, well now wait a minute....

(I don't actually remember the order of operations here, I did a lot of little side quests today, but I'm fairly sure Weisshaupt was yesterday's big deal.)


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7 months ago

you say it's my villain era and what you mean is that when you were six you panicked about wearing the right thing to kindergarten, what you mean is that in middle school nobody was eating, what you mean is that you spent high school prepping for college and college prepping for adulthood and adulthood fucking lost in the system.

what you mean is that you've been good. you were a good team player. you would have never considered yourself perfectionist - those are people more popular, prettier, more successful - but you carry any flaw like a secret in you, terrified someone will desert you for the simple reality of your personhood.

if you were good you could be loved. you could be loved if you were selfless and thoughtful and caring. if you bent over for every person, if you went above-and-beyond, it would absolve you of who you actually were. deep down, how horrible that you had needs. that you had boundaries, that you had desires. you learned young that you cannot afford to cut people out of your life - you would have nothing left. it is better to live in the service of others, to supplicate. to worship. you weren't exceptional, you had to make up for it in some way. to prove to others you were worthy.

if they need you, it's the same thing as loving you. if you are always-there, always-listening, always-friendly, you are filling a role. you have a purpose. you are living correctly.

villain era, you repeat. you mean: yesterday you finally told a man no. for hours afterwards, you couldn't control your heartbeat. you mean: you've been saying positive affirmations on repeat, trying to teach yourself any new thing about how self care is necessary. you mean: three weeks ago, due to a scheduling conflict, you finally told a coworker that no, you couldn't do them a "quick favor". you have felt bad about that ever since. sure, it would have made you work late and it would have been extra stress - but you feel bad about it nevertheless.

you tell your therapist you have been leaning into evil. she asks what that means. when you tell her: sometimes i prioritize my own needs, she doesn't find it funny. she looks at you a long time.

"and that's evil?" she clarifies.

"well," you say. "feels evil to me."

7 months ago

I KNEW IT! Matt Mercer voiced The Viper! I had it clocked as soon as that character started talking, I fucking KNEW IT.


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8 months ago

Shoutout to my therapist she tries so hard to keep up with me. I explained the concept of spell slots vs cantrips as a disability metaphor to her and she took notes. On a pad of paper. About the spellcasting mechanics of dungeons and dragons.

10 months ago

Stick Season by Noah Kahan has me in a chokehold my gaaaawd


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6 months ago

I'm housesitting for a friend this weekend and I desperately miss my blorbos. I just want to help my friends with their personal quests and stop the Evanuris (again)!


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6 months ago

Dragon Age: The Veilguard Tumblr Fandom Stats

Following the release of Bioware's official player choice stats, I'm curious to see how the Tumblr fandom measures up. This Google Form contains all the questions from the official stat graphics, as well as a few that were not included that I'm personally curious about.

This form contains major endgame spoilers. Do not click the link until you've finished the game.

Dragon Age: The Veilguard Tumblr Fandom Stats
Google Docs
THIS FORM CONTAINS MAJOR ENDGAME SPOILERS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. The official Bioware stats do not sit right with me so I want to see how t

Please only fill it out once per Rook, but if you have multiple Rooks feel free to fill it out for each of them! Live stats will be available for you to view once you've submitted the form. This form does not collect your email address. I will release a breakdown of the final results on my blog at a later date!

Thank you in advance for your participation, please reblog for reach!

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