The Most Important And Least Informed World Cup Piece You'll Read

The Bachelorette - Episode 8 Recap

It's hometowns, y'all! In what always promises to be, and frequently delivers, a very full episode of shenanigans, drama and love. Des is also defying all laws of logic and reason and bringing back her brother to talk about the guys.

Before we get to that circus, let's start with a real freak show: Zak and his family in Dallas, Texas. Des seems to be as shocked as we are about Zak making it far enough to meet his family. He warns us that if we think he's crazy (we do), his family is really crazy (oh God). Zak and Des have the first part of their day in a pretty park. He really won't let the sketching/art thing go, so he's once again toting a sketch book to show he’s artsy and likes things she likes?

Not caring about other people’s dreams has been the butt of everyone’s jokes lately, but Zak is blissfully unaware as he tells Des a really long, weird, and involved dream he had about her the night before. You can see the confusion written on her pretty little face. Then Zak leaves her by a gazebo and returns in…a sno-cone truck? That is a part of his life? Am I missing something? Is the fluid for which he is a drilling engineer high fructose corn syrup? It’s the “family sno-cone business”, so I guess that’s a thing.

The sno-cone truck whisks them away to an elementary school where they are schilling out sno-cones to screaming children. The mob pounds their sticky little hands on the truck and hug Zak as he runs out in a giant penguin suit. The two basically treat this as a test for how the other would be as a parent because neither is running away screaming from the throngs of children. I hate this. Come on, bro. This joi de vivre can only go so far and ONE SKETCHBOOK does not a serious person make.

“This is where I get my lunacy from, and I just hope they don’t scare Desiree off,” Zak confides to camera. As soon as they walk in the house, the family explodes to say hello. His family is completely flabbergasted as Zak tells them about his limo entrance. They also have a kind of forced joy that is exhausting. If you told me any of them had sincerely been circus performers at one point in life, I would believe you.

Desiree has the talks with the family and one by one wins them over. Mom Maryann is convinced they’re meant to be. Sister is guarded though because she doesn’t want him to get hurt. Oh sister, prepare yourself for the worst. Zak and his mom talk about how long he’s been waiting for a worthwhile love, and the whole time I’m just cringing because I am 99% sure, sparing any real fights or showdowns, that Zak is not getting a rose tonight.

Oh good now the real horror show is beginning because Zak and his brother and sister will now sing the song Zak wrote in Atlantic City only now “the words have been changed to reflect how my family feels about you.” Three part harmony, two parts the sister is treating this like an audition, one part his brother actually seems pretty chill and has a great voice. Oh my god let me die: “Oh Desiree, now we can see/ Your place among our family!”

The time has officially come for Zak to finally tell Desiree that he is in love with her. He takes out a box that he’s been carrying around since he bought it in Atlantic City, warns her not to freak out, and shows her this cheap little chachki ring. It symbolizes his love and commitment for her. She maintains a calm face as they kiss.

Oh poor Zak. Poor, poor Zak. He tells us, “Needless to say, five years down the road, Des and I will still be together and we’ll look back on today as the perfect day.” Oh no, oh sweetie. He says more and more stuff of that ilk and I’m more and more sad for his impending broken heart.

Now we’re headed to Scottsdale, Arizona to meet Drew’s family. The first thing Drew and Des do is hug and kiss a bunch which again is a kiss of death for Zak since he and Des barely kissed. Let’s leave Zak out of this though. Drew is too cute.

We’ll be meeting Drew’s dad Mal, his mom Linda and his step-dad Bob, brother Mal, sister Angela, sister Meghan and her husband and their two kids. That’s…a lot. Drew also tells Desiree that this is the first time his Dad is going to his mom’s house. Yikes.

We also have to go pick up his sister Melissa, the one with a dependent mental handicap. She lives in a house with two other girls in a similar situation and a few full-time care takers. That is amazing. I really appreciate that up until this point, we hadn’t heard much about Melissa from Drew. He wasn’t exploiting her as a way to get screen time/close to Des. I mean she’s here now, but that seems like more a genuine “I want you to meet everyone in my family and she’s an important part of that” thing. The smile on Drew’s face as he greets his sister and looks at her is blinding. Ugh. So adorable.

Eleven. Eleven is the total number of people at this family gathering. I guess they are all important, but still, talk about overwhelming. They put over four bottles of wine on the table though, so I like this family already.

Drew’s mom is protective of her baby of the family, but the way Drew talks about her to his mom convinces her (and me SHEESH). Then Drew’s Dad tells Desiree that angels are real because Melissa is a real life angel and THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. He is so cute. His mom is teary eyed at his conviction when he says “I could get down on one knee for her.” His dad is very sincere, a little intense, but sweet. He gives Drew his blessing by saying, “If you want to marry this girl, I’ll throw you a party.”

This was the picture of what a great hometown date should be. “I want to join Drew’s family right now. I want to stay,” says Desiree. Now Drew just has to tell her that he loves her after telling his whole family. He doesn’t but any ribbons or bows on it, he just says it, says, “I love you. I just do.” AHGGGHALKDFJALSJDFOAWERAWOEDFALSJDLKFAJSDFJ NOW IS THE PART OF THE SHOW WHERE I FEEL THINGS

Ok. Composure regained, let us journey onward to McMinnville, Oregon for Chris’s hometown. I just love that Chris is from Oregon. He’s pretty freaking cute all excited to introduce his family.

Apparently Chris played professional baseball? I thought maybe it was just a college thing. And now I can’t remember for the life of me what it says as his occupation in his little bio thing that flashes across the screen. Huh. Anyways, they’re going to play a little baseball at the park where he first played little league. ADORABLE.

I mean, again, making me feel feelings. The date they have just playing baseball in a park is the best date on the season this far – no helicopters, no private concert, no hot tugs, just two people being cute, having fun.

Desiree brought some drawings of their relationship instead of poetry corner. The drawings are less diarrhea-inducing embarrassing, so it’s nice. She is actually pretty nervous to meet his family because she wants them to like her so much. Chris reassures her that she has nothing to worry about.

His house is very rustic, almost a log cabin, very Oregon and woodsy. Chris has a younger sister, an older sister and an older brother. Dad is very quiet and weird; he’s a chiropractor in Oregon, so you can imagine. Dad decides to realign Desiree’s spine, and she’s very uncomfortable with all the shop-talk and not talking about Chris. Also all the touching. Lots of touching.

So now Chris has come downstairs to his father’s office to talk about Des while getting his head realigned via his nostrils. There’s some balloon-like, phallic shaped thing his dad is sticking up his nose while they both calmly discuss how much Chris is in love with Desiree. AMAZING STUFF. This bizarre turn makes me like Chris way more that his family is nuts.

His mother is so soft spoken and just lovely. She’s very protective and worried about her son’s happiness. Apparently none of Chris’ family liked his last girlfriend, and now he’s worried about them liking Des. The producers are playing creepy spiritual “new-age” music over the conversation with Des and his mom.

Chris was nervous about how long his mom and her talked, but no worries guys, she gives him her blessing. They both like how independent, strong, and confident she is. Mom tears up giving a toast. I love this family, and I really love their house. I can’t stop imagining it in the fall. I would like to be part of that family, Des should too.

The final stop on our tour is Salt Lake City, Utah for the hometown date with surprise Mormon Brooks! Desiree is head over heels for Brooks and very open about it. Brooks, however, is less sure and is trying to figure it out here with his family. He tells her though that he’s having a hard time with the “process” of not seeing her for long periods of time and her dating other guys.

She has a whole list of things that she loves about their relationship thus far. It’s sappy but sweet and he adds some moments of his own. It was good for him to hear those things and for him to hear that she feels so strongly about him. As the date goes on, he becomes more and more comfortable and happier and happier with her. They go canoeing in a lake and it’s very romantic until he tries to kiss her and tips the canoe a little bit. “We took on water!” Brooks yells to the producers in the other canoe. Oh, Brooks, so droll.

Brooks has a huge Mormon family that jumps up and gives her a group hug when Desiree walks in. There are so many of them that they made nametags for siblings and significant others. Des knows how important it is to reassure Brooks here with his family so he can feel comfortable letting his feelings bloom.

A couple key family members pull Brooks aside as Des talks with his mom about their love and feelings. His gorgeous sister gives some very sound advice. This whole family is just beautiful. Like, the cardigan he’s wearing is this gorgeous knit, textured shawl collared thing, and I’m obsessed with it. He’s putting a lot of stake in the approval of his mom. But don’t worry, Mom approves in a diplomatic sort of way.

“Tonight was a big night. I feel closer to seeing Desiree and I in the union of marriage than ever before,” beams Brooks. I’m worried though because Brooks is the only guy who hasn’t said “I love you” to Desiree yet, and he’s the only guy that she has said that she’s in love with. Oh, it is much ado!

The only thing left in this episode is to deal with Desiree’s nightmare of an ex-con brother Nate. Desiree is using this meeting as an opportunity to gauge how her brother might react if she allows him to meet the final two guys. We find out right away that they haven’t seen each other since her hometown date, and that she didn’t speak to him for a few months after. She glares at him and he just laughs. It is a tense sibling relationship.

He’s so combative about everything Desiree says to him. She tells Nate about each guy and why she likes him. He patiently listens and tells her he’d love to meet them. She basically says “no way” to him meeting these guys. If the previews have anything to say about it, this won’t be the last we see of him tonight.

Rather than a fireside chat at the mansion, we sit down with Chrarrison at the Beverly Hilton to discuss love and the families. Desiree talks about how she can feel the love from Brooks even though he hasn’t said the words to her. She talks about how Chris had a bit of a rough hometown date. She talks about how hard it’s going to be to say good-bye to someone because she knows that no one sees a good-bye coming.

As she voices over her decision making process, we see each man enter the hotel in his snazzy best. And just as Des says that there’s nothing standing in her way to finding happiness with one man for the rest of her life, we see little Nate peeking out from behind a corner. That it though. Nothing else. What a let down.

The rose ceremony is on the rooftop of the hotel in a lovely setting with the traditional Bachelorette blue and purple lighting. Desiree cries as she tells the guys how hard it will be to say good-bye after meeting everyone’s lovely family.

Surprise, surprise Brooks is the first name called. Then it’s my dawg Chris. Leaving Drew and Zak. I think we can all make an educated guess as to whose name she’ll call. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd it’s Drew. Duh.

I still feel bad for Zak though. It’s always hard to leave right after introducing someone to your family. His crazy eyes are at their craziest. Desiree cries as she wishes him the very best in the world, and he is the quietest he’s ever been. She gives back that heinous promise ring. Oh this is grim. You’re ok, boo boo. Everyone’s got love coming their way; yours just isn’t Desiree. He goes so far as to throw the ring out of the limo.

That’s all she wrote, folks. Next week is the Men Tell All special where there would normally just be the final three dates. There was a good share of drama this season, so I’m looking forward to it. I have to wonder though, with the previews they’ve shown us, is there an underlying reason to bumping up the date of the Men Tell All? Could something be awry? Time will tell. Until next Wednesday, catch up with me @chasspod. See you then, journeyers.

The Bachelorette - Men Tell All Recap

     Weeeeeeeee! It’s time for some man gossip and fighting and horrible people getting together in one group! This season had more than a few bad eggs and a few really good eggs too.

Chris Harrison is dapper as ever. My love for this man is profound and deep. I really hope he’s ok going through his divorce while hosting a show about finding love. I will counsel you, Chris! I will sit in an ornate throne and give you advice!

     We kick off with Emily and Chris having a little gab sesh about the highlights of the season. It is all about Ricki. As it should be. But then it quickly turns to profiling the biggest pitfalls of Ryan, Kalon, and poor Humble Doug. It hurts even worse to watch Doug give the mid-breakup kiss once again.

Things are getting off to a slow start as we’re still recapping the season and not down to the nitty gritty yet! But I shouldn’t complain too much because they show some excellent deleted scenes. Emily spilled some wine and swore; Travis and Emily sang Shelly the Egg to bed. I’m peeing my pants. WHAT?!?! TRAVIS! TOO MUCH! Travis is seriously so funny, and I wish they had shown more of his antics.

Arie’s twin (SQUEE) brothers were Disney-channel-style spying on Arie and Emily kissing.

Chris is the absolute worst dancer of all time, and Emily makes a bet with Chrarrison to do the “running man” dance move on the After the Final Rose special…which leads me to believe that she’s happy enough to do the running man. So hopefully the finale won’t end in tragedy as they’re leading us to believe.

Then we get an incredibly dramatic preview of the Bachelor Pad. I’m skipping this. Sorry folks, no energy to recap that hedonistic descent into madness. I will say however that Chris Bukowski is a doucheface of epic proportions. I can’t wait to watch.

    My DVR marks minute 30 when we begin the actual men-telling portion of the men tell all. Oh my gosh, Sean is a dreamboat. He is precious, and the ladies go crazy just at the sound of his name.

Guys, let me be honest right now that recapping this is really difficult because the show itself is a bunch of clips recapping the whole season. Doug was a center for drama; Kalon sucks ass; Ryan is a cocky dweeb with jizz hair whose exit the men celebrate. These are things we know to be true.

We have the maturity conversation with Chris being 25 once again. Chris and Ryan spar a little and actually, Ryan is kind of in the right. What he wants to say is that Chris is easily offended, Ryan has more confidence, and that at the end of the day, maturity didn’t matter because none of them ended up with Emily. These are things we know to be true!

Oh god, I totally forgot about Stevie the party MC you guys. He’s such a dweebus.

We have Kalon up in the hot seat now for the real good stuff. Chris Harrison deals with him in the best way. Basically saying, “You were being an ass and there are better ways to say things than how you say them, you ass.” KALON ISN’T EVEN SORRY FOR SAYING “I love it when you talk, but not until I’m finished.” He has learned nothing from this and never will. Boo hiss.

   Oh my gosh. Sean is a dream man. Here is what he says to Kalon re: baggage, “If you truly want to win a woman’s heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki.” Oh my gosh. What a mensch.

                            Ryan is next up on the hot seat.  We recap some of his best and worst moments. My favorite is when he used the word “neat.” Ryan has become a few shades deeper orange and fixed his jizz hair, but still has that terrible Seneca Crane beard. He’s a mess. He just keeps running his mouth and everyone is groaning in agony.  HE FOUND HIS JOURNAL THE OTHER DAY! His journal that he was so excited to maybe finding his wife. And Chris calls bull shit. “That’s poetic and all! But Emily is the Bachelorette! You have to fall in love with her!” and not some random woman.

Straight up: Ryan believes there is no chance whatsoever that he is an arrogant ass.  And Chrarrison puts everyone’s minds at ease that as far as Ryan becoming the next Bachelor, “not gonna happen.” Chris is just basically laughing at Ryan the whole time. I love you, Chrarrison.

It is Chris Bukowski’s turn on the hot seat. I have not missed his eagle beak one bit. He does stand by the fact that he “loved that girl 110%” which is actually okay by me. I don’t dislike the guy for being in love with a girl; I dislike him for having a kind of false arrogance and immaturity. He really isn’t mature enough yet. I think he’s in the middle of growing into the man he’ll become still. I also appreciate that he only has good things to say about Emily and the experience. That’s good of him. But he looks like he’s a real dumbass on the Bachelor Pad so we’ll see how much he really grew.

         Finally (finally, right? This thing has been dragging) we bring Sean up to the hot seat. Dear, wonderful, lovely Sean. I would like to call back the fact that I predicted he’d get really far when he was getting a lot of screen time the first few episodes without having any Emily time. It’s because he’s such a HUNK. A sad hunk. A heartbroken hunk. He’s still in the throes of getting over Emily because this is baby’s first heartbreak. Truly. He’s never had his heart broken before. I will help you mend, Sean-28. I know you have a long list of volunteers, but I am officially submitting my name to that list.

Emily comes on stage! Holy red dress with giant boobs! Tony ran up to hug her. Weird. I feel so bad that she calls out that it’s good to see Sean. He still wants her back! OH GOSH! THE PAIN! Emily opened a lot of eyes to the world of love, apparently. Chris and Sean both thank her for this. This woman is like a superhero.

    OH SHIT! Kalon tries to apologize to Emily and say that he will grow from this experience and she just goes, “And you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bullshit.” She is so awesome. She just tears him up and shuts him down. “I just pray that you find hope in something bigger than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter.” I love her. High fives for everyone.

It’s bloopers time, bitches! Lots of wind antics blowing things over,the men go streaking through the woods, lots of nakedness, and lots of falling down on Vespas. I laughed a lot, please go to the internet and find the full reel.

Ok, so that wraps up a rather dull Men Tell All for what was a pretty dramatic season. The finale will be dramatic and romantic and full of lone shots of Emily walking and looking pensieve. We’ll see you next SUNDAY for the epic finale of this journey to find real love. PS – Jef said, “I just want to hold her hand ‘til I’m one hundred and ten.” And I cried one perfect, singular tear. FOR LOVE!

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap "The Men Tell All"

Oh, God. I’m going to start by postulating that I am far too sober to endure this. The Men Tell All is typically a little less exciting, less titillating and a little drier and more self-righteous, BUT LOOK AT IT THIS WAY: Juan Pablo will be back. Hope does indeed spring eternal, as they say. And we did have quite our fair share of drama this season, so full of hope I am.

Ok chiquitos, let’s dive in.

Chris Harrison jogs out onto his dais of hosting to give us a lil preview of the fun to come. But first we shall show a video package of Chris and Des crashing some Bachelorette viewing parties. Lots of people drinking wine and screaming is all that happens. Holla to that real cute dog in one house!

Oh hold up! They cut right to my nougat core when Ashley and JP trot out to assist in party crashing! I do love them! Then the Mesnick’s come and whatever. And TRISTAAA! The Orignial Bachelorette and one of the very only success stories the show has ever had.

To desperately fill the two hour time slot, we sit down with Ashley, Emily, and Ali of Bachelorette fame to discuss “Bad Boys” (?????). This season certainly had more jerkwads than usual: Brian, Ben, and James were all dirt bags. I do like those girls though; they basically just tell Des to speak her mind and put any guy trying to pull shenanigans in his place.

At minute 20 of this carnival, we finally introduce all the guys present and accounted for. James gets booed. Ben gets booed. Juan Pablo is greeting by uproarious cheers AS IS HIS RIGHT. Zak W. looks like he got a brand new varnish and is now the shade of your dad’s favorite pair of loafers.

You guys I cannot handle my shit with Juan Pablo. I cannot. I know that all you other ladies feel the same because they talk to him WAY MORE than they did on the show because they had no idea what a good thing they had going. Juan Pablo, mi amor, yo puedo darte todo el amor y pasión que necesitas en la vida y a tu hija querida, seré mamá. Por favor, elige yo por su media naranja. BESOS (shout out to my bilingual homies who don’t need no Google translate).

In the package that recaps the show up to this point Kasey says, re: Desiree, “She’s a very wholesome, very pure girl which makes her all the more attractive.” I will not even get started on how horrible and backwards this fucking sentence is but it makes me mad enough to drop the first ever f-bomb in these recaps. THIS AIN’T YO MAMA’S RECAP WHERE THE FEMALE DOUBLE STANDARD OF PURITY VS. SHAMEFUL SLUT IS CONCERNED.

Kasey says “wholesome and pure” a couple more times. I violently vomit. Kasey might be more of a villain to me than Ben in terms of being annoying and backwards thinking and so self-righteous oh my gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Diving right into the Brian with a secret girlfriend situation Chris says, “We invited Brian to be here to own up to what he had done. He chose not to. So we’re gonna chose to talk about him.” Oh Chris, so droll. Everyone agrees he was an asshole with questionable motives. The end.

I’m pulling my hair like a crazed, sycophantic girl experiencing Beatlemania as Juan Pablo talks about how weird it is that Ben saw it as a competition because he just knew that in the end it was Desiree who was calling all the shots about who she wanted to be with. He could win the Lone Ranger competition, but that doesn’t mean he wins her heart. JuanPablomania.

Ben’s time in the hot seat is up. Ugh. This bowl of oatmeal again. They show a lot of footage of him in the Tank Top of Doom: The Tank Top’s Revenge. I had forgotten what a psychopath he came off as in the limo as he left the show.

Mikey shares a nice sentiment that you should be the same man around your friends as you are around your girlfriend when Ben says one is always a different guy around a girl. Juan Pablo thinks he’s crazy; Brandon the guy who said “I love you” way too soon thinks he’s a politician; Dan Oatmeal has a big opinion because he says that Ben’s son’s mother approached Dan in Vegas. Lots of accusations being slung around the room about Ben possibly cheating on a girlfriend with his son’s mom. How’s that for complicated?

Then Chris decides to bring the other two dads into the conversation. Zak immediately brings up Juan Pablo and you guys, dare I speak it ere it come true, but they seem to be painting a pretty rosy picture of JP and they MIGHT just be setting him up to be the next Bachelor. MAYBE.

Regardless, Zak says you can tell how much JP loves his daughter because he thought of almost nothing else, in a loving way. Ben as a father on the other hand…everyone on Twitter and the Internet in general was right that the moment a guy toted his kid out on the first night, he painted himself as a royal asshole. T-Swift knows what I’m sayin.

James is up in the hot seat now. He repulses me in every way. Even if his personality was sparkling and not made of slime, I would still be repulsed by his beef-neck, juice head, beady little eyes and pointy nose. After trying and failing to justify the things that he said about being the next bachelor and what would happen when they aren’t on the show, he just comes off worse and worse. The reaction faces of the women in the audience are perfect “Hell no!”, “I’m sorry, what?” and “You are totally whack bro” faces.

Now we bring Mikey in to level about that infamous conversation that happened in Germany. How surprised are you that Kasey butts in and things escalate quickly? Not surprised at all? You are very smart. It’s the same fight that’s happened over and over. I honestly dislike Kasey more than Mikey at this point.

And you James? No. Just no. You better watch yourself around the mean streets of Chicago because so help me if I see you I will internally scream and then fumble for my phone to snag a shaky pic of you and send it to all my friends and focus so much negative energy your way. So, YEAH. Look out.

IT’S TIME FOR NON-STOP JUAN PABLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I get that long awaited moving shot of Juan Pablo in a swimsuit and then they show him dancing and all this long lost footage of him talking to his daughter and talking about his daughter and talking about having more kids. I just. You guys. Juan Pablo is my everything.

The questions Chrarrison asks JP are inconsequential because the answer always comes around to his daughter Camila. It’s all about her. I like that he’s a very devoted dad, but I have to wonder if there’s anything more to him. Is he just living off his professional soccer player money? What does he do during the week when he’s not with Camila? Would he ever consider marrying me? How often does he go back to Venezuela to see his family? What are his likes? His dislikes? How can I use those to my advantage to win his heart? These are the questions I’m asking myself while ogling his majestic face.

Sadly our time with Juan Pablo has come to an end and now we must talk to our antique leather football helmet Zak. He actually had more of a connection with Des than I gave him credit for, despite being a self-described buffoon. He clearly felt a lot for her because he bought her a promise ring, told her he loved her, then was very sad when he got dumped.

Zak has a surprisingly good sense of humor about himself. He admits that he is a bold guy who comes on “a little strong”. He admits that he’s very enthusiastic and that he’s sad about how hard it is to meet people. Oh, Zak, just when I think I could make fun of you forever you go and make me feel sad for you.

Surprise poetry corner! Remember that journal he gave Desiree in the beginning? Well he wrote a poem in invisible ink in the last few pages and we shall read it for you now.

Love is it

The only reason to open your home to a stranger

The one creature worthy of surrendering freedom

No risk is too great

No apprehension justifiable

All hope is rooted in it

Because love is our only hope for happiness

And I am happy to say – this is love

Now, it may not be Byron. It may not be Keats. But that is far and away more of a real poem than that watery thin gruel of “poetry” that Chris spoon feeds Desiree every week. Zak admits he is still in love with Des. Hoo buoy.

And just like that Desiree arrives in a gold spangley dress Tina Turner would surely envy. They recap what I’ve already recapped about the drama from Jonathan the fantasy suite guy, to Brian the adulterer, to Ben the butthead. Desiree asserts that she felt Ben was insincere and can feel him trying to put forth a persona that people will like. She also confronts James for being manipulative and combative.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Zak W wrote her a song and there is a guitar sitting next to him. Oh and he’s picking it up! Desiree actually gasps, “oh, no!” as he approaches her on the dais to perform his broken heart song. Oh let me die. Let me die before I have to see and hear this. Oh NO. Zak NOOOO.

Zak has a lovely country singing voice. Sincerely. It’s not my kind of song and he has a heavy twang, but this is a song he could sell to any current country artist. There are women actually crying in the audience. Stop crying. Desiree gives him a hug to say thank you.

Then Chrarrison announces with the most excitement he can muster, “Everybody’s favorite part of this show: bloopers.” I laugh out loud for real at some of the goings on. Click here to view it and enjoy the more candid moments of the show

The preview for the “Bachelorette shocking two part finale” is up next. Weird things are afoot. Extenuating circumstances methinks are the cause of all the strife happening and not one guy necessarily being an ass. Chrarrison knows that he has said the words “the most emotionally wrought finale ever” but this time he means it. There are tears happening all over the place. What is going on?! What will happen?!

I can’t wait. Thanks for checking in and I’ll see you all next Wednesday for the recap of the first part of the finale. Until then, check me out at @chasspod. Journey on, journeyers!

Henley Monday -

So it looks like my cries to make the day after the Super Bowl a national holiday went unheard. A girl can dream right? And as I sit here today with the remains of heartburn and general indigestion, more than ever I feel compelled to avail us with Henley Monday.

And today, a henley clad man for the ages, Kit Harrington aka Jon Snow on HBO's GAME OF THRONES. His stare is enough to melt a whole right through the Wall and blast a White Walker right to glittery dust. Keep your heads up everyone, Jon Snow does know SOMETHING: how to look sexy. Boom.

Henley Monday -

Summer time has finally come and come to stay! The sun is shining and birds are chirping and trees are budding and the lilacs smell INCREDIBLE.

So here's Alexander Skarsgard on that lovely summer staple, the beach! He looks very rugged like a field photographer for National Geographics of yore. Thumbs up.

The return of summer also means another TV staple will return to our lives. True Blood starring the Skarsgard here will be back on June 16th with all it's insane and completely bazoo plotlines. Until then enjoy this trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGgt_jllHcA&feature=player_embedded

Henley Monday - 

MONDAY indeed! It's certainly not the best of times over here, and I need all the strength and inspiration I can get to deal with just today. 

Enter this rugged man. He's just a man, we don't know who he is or what films he's been in. We can make up anything we want about him. I, for instance, have chosen to believe that he is a Welsh sailor looking off into the distance at his grand ship that takes him all over the world, but his heart is always wandering home. Isn't that nice? I think so.

What do you want his story to be? Day dream about it while the time tick-tocks away and you can be home once more.

Female Empowerment Friday - 

It's been a long week for most of us, and I would say you've more than earned a little dance party. So click play and let the moves just flow out of you. You are a beautiful woman who gets to call all the shots in your own love life and make men promise they won't fall in love with you, because you're that irresistible. That's right.

Have a great weekend, ladies! I'll just be over here chair dancing like a madwoman!

Happy Henley Monday, everybody!

Here's a smiley, happy, scruffy, and oh-so-charming Jake Gyllenhaal looking casual yet perfectly put together in his white cotton henley. Ah, that should help 5 o'clock roll around a little sooner, now shouldn't it?

Henley Monday -

As you've come to know and expect, on holiday weekends your weekly dosage of henley comes to you on Tuesday, the actual Monday of the week. I hope you all enjoyed Presidents Day as much as the furniture stores did and relished the long break from your monotonous work life.

I'm not sure about the weather where you're at, but today in Chicago it is positively frigid. While walking across the river this morning, the wind was so strong that it PUSHED ME. It physically PUSHED ME ASIDE. I was not pleased. I was not warm. My whole body was feeling the absolute absence of warmth.

David Beckham is the embodiment of heat, however. He is smoldering hot in the face and in the hair and in the body and in this henley. Look at that man in that henley! He would NEVER let me get so cold I couldn't feel my toes. Bless him.

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.