Henley Monday - 

Henley Monday - 

Coming at you hot and fresh at the 11th hour CT we've got your weekly dose of henley hunk. If it's possible for there to be a henley I didn't like, this one would be in contention: short sleeve - good, extra long placard - good, white - great, but the ribbing? BAD. Ribbing is very very bad and yet somehow I still love old Bumbleding Candlehat in it. Same goes for the goatee.

Here lies our empirical evidence that Benedict Cumberbatch can do no wrong.

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Ladies and ladies (and, like, a few token dudes) welcome to the finale of The Bachelor. It’s down to just two contestants: the seemingly bred in a factory to be a perfect contestant on this show and fertility nurse Whitney, and the stunningly beautiful, has an identity outside of this but it is only being referred to as The Virgin, Becca.

Who will Chris choose?  Will it be neither? Just as they want us to fear at the end of every season of this show, Chris wonders if he’ll even be able to propose to anyone because he’s so torn. I somehow have a feeling Chris won’t be pulling a Juan Pablo on us. I can smell a proposal a-brewing on that one.

Of course, the finale is live because why wouldn’t it be? Chrarrison has promised a dramatic turn of events from his dais in Bachelor Central. God bless him. Chris Harrison: American Treasure.

The finale will not be taking place in some exotic locale, oh no. We’re ending this thing in the only appropriate place: Arlington, Iowa. How could it be anywhere else when deciding to love and marry Chris is equally deciding to love and marry Nowheresville, Iowa?

Chris pulls up to his parents’ farmhouse where all the sisters and brothers-in-law and nieces and nephews have gathered to meet his candidates for future wife. His mom Linda is a treasure. She looks like she was carved from a strong American oak tree and knows secrets about life she’d dole out while making biscuits with you on a Sunday afternoon.

Whitney meets the family first. There’s a light dusting of snow on the ground, and it looks to be about six degrees out. Whitney is already emotional about the high stakes of making a good impression on his family. She obviously passes with flying colors because Whitney is a human rainbow. The sisters love her and the parents think she’s so beautiful and strong.

As they sit down to lunch, Whitney makes a toast to let the Soules’ Family know that she came on the Bachelor 100% for Chris. She also thanks them for being so welcoming to her and gets choked up in saying how much she loves him. I get choked up. What’s happening to me?!

The Sisters Three sit Whitney down to have a hard hitting discussion about her relationship with Chris and how she sees their future. This woman is so poised it’s insane. She is knocking all their questions out of the park talking about how she can’t wait to be part of a family again and how she is ready to be a mom and wife that she could just pick everything up for him.

The Sisters Three are completely taken with her, and how could they not be? Whitney could charm the pants off Stalin.

Then Chris sits down to debrief with his sisters. I know they are all related because they all share certain features. But it’s the strangest composite of features from both parents. Like Chris’s head is the same shape as one sister AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. And then he has the same nose and mouth as another AND NOTHING ELSE IS THE SAME. It’s so strange. They’re all good-looking people, but the way the genes sorted themselves is bizarre.

“What hesitations do you have with Whitney?” one sister asks him.

“I don’t. With Whitney I don’t,” Chris fires back right away.

So, knowing that he is confident in Whitney’s unwavering commitment to him and Arlington, they ask what he feels about Becca and how that differs.

This is a much harder question for Chris to answer. He doesn’t even really name anything specific about Becca that makes him really like her. Just some facts like she’s “athletic” and “shy at first”. This is telling. I really, really think that Chris is infatuated with Becca, but with Whitney he could MAYBE have a chance at something real, insofar as one can after The Bachelor.

“You came here to find a wife. You didn’t come here to find a girlfriend,” the youngest sister throws down. That’s a heaping spoonful of reality. Becca is a fun girlfriend he might fhave for awhile. Whitney is your wife.

We round robin over to Whitney and Linda having their heart-to-heart.

“So, you say you think you’re in love with my son. What do you love about my son?” Linda asks.

“I don’t think I’m in love with him, I know I am,” Whitney fires back. These are two women with backbones. I like them together.

“I lost my mom ten years ago, and I have been waiting to call someone ‘mom’ and call someone ‘dad’. And I’ve been looking to find someplace that can really make me feel loved and I can just be myself, and you make me feel that way. You really do,” Whitney tells Linda. Oh boy. Those are emotions! Moms! Losing moms! Finding moms! It’s a lot for me! Moms are the best!

“I know that I could take you and love you just like that. But that’s not my decision to make, that’s Christopher’s. And I just hope and pray he makes the right one,” says Linda. Oh wow well she’s the best. She totally has biscuit life secrets!

As the couple say goodbye to each other on a frozen dirt roads, they do a bunch of tiny smacky kisses (WHY?). Whitney leaves, telling Chris, “Don’t you dare forget how much I love you.”

After she leaves, Chris joins the men of the family in the work shed surrounded by metal and tools. So manly. Men.

Chris shares his reservations about how he knows Whitney knocked it out of the park with all of them, but he still cares about Becca so much. He’s torn and is looking for advice. He also doesn’t want the family to write Becca off after having been so blown away by Whitney.

“Whitney is all in. But it sounds like Becca has played her cards a little closer to the vest…I just feel like as guys, that is infinitely attractive. You know, it’s the girl at the bar that nobody can talk to. Is that part of it in your mind?” Jason, a brother-in-law asks Chris. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I THINK IT IS JASON. YOU ARE A SMART MAN.

Chris essentially shrugs that off, but we all know Jason is dead on.

The next day Becca joins the whole fam-damily.

“Relationship-wise I’m on the same page with these two women. Logistically, no,” Chris tells the family on his relationship with Whitney vs. Becca. He tells them upfront that Becca is neither as ready nor as willing to move to Iowa as Whitney. So now they are on the lookout for that.

Becca is so sweet and beautiful; she really does charm the family right away. Linda thinks she’s the funniest person on planet earth as she tells about how much her family loved Chris and then as she pokes gentle fun at how small Arlington is.

She sits before the tribunal of the Sisters Three to answer their questions. She explains that she knows she’s “falling” in love with Chris, but isn’t quite there yet.

“I’m scared that if I’m not at this place that I’m supposed to be at, that this all has to end,” Becca says. It does Becca. This is the Bachelor. This isn’t “Find Someone and Test it out in the Real World to See if it Works.” Her feelings here are COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE in a real world scenario. Most people don’t have to decide after dating someone for two months whether or not they will a) move cross country for them b) marry them. But like I said, this is The Bachelor. She can’t take it slow.

Lori and Jaci are both concerned that Becca does not feel as strongly or as sure about Chris as Whitney seems to. They have a lot of hurdles to get over.

Chris realizes after he talks things over with his sisters that he really needs to discuss the hard issues like long-distance and the logistics of their relationship with Becca. He is going to have to push her to see if there is truly a future there. They need a good, old fashioned Define the Relationship talk.

“Is she going to open up and be vulnerable? Because she’s gonna have to,” Lori says. God, how could the women in Chris’s family be so damn strong and he is such a Wet Willy?

Becca chats with Linda. And Linda, being adorable, starts with almost the same question she asked Whitney, “So what do you think of my son? Tell me what you think of my son.”

These two end up having a very real discussion where Becca is saying how hard it is for her to consider really, truly settling down and knowing if she is in love. Linda is pushing her and being very kind, but also not really pulling punches. Becca needs to think about the future. She needs to think about what she really wants and what Chris really wants. Becca has to be vulnerable enough to be open to love instead of just being so cautious and analytical.

“If you wanna go through your life and never take a chance, then what kind of life is that? And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. But you gotta put yourself out there,” Linda says. BISCUIT LIFE SECRETS. I REALLY HOPE THAT WOMAN KNOWS HOW TO MAKE BISCUITS BECAUSE SHE HAS SO MANY LIFE SECRETS TO SHARE.

“I don’t think she recognizes that what she feels for Chris is love. I don’t think she recognizes it. Hopefully, she will,” Linda tells the cameras.

Chris and Becca leave each other both feeling uneasy about where they stand. They realize how much they have to discuss.

The very next night at the Hotel Julian in Dubuque, Iowa. Chris meets Becca in THE CAPONE SUITE to have their big discussion. So, no day date? Just an intense evening chat? Ok. I’ll skip it.

The two sit down, intertwined, on her bed to have this Very Important Discussion.

“I want everything that you can give me from your heart that I can have right now. Just to know, because I’m struggling,” Chris says.

Becca has said “I’m falling in love with you but I’m not there yet” so many times I’m starting to wonder if it’s a cry for help. Is she just repeating this to help herself escape from this? She just keeps saying those words.

She also bluntly tells Chris that she can’t make any promises about the timeline of when she’ll be ready to pick up her life or fully commit to spending her life with him and have a family. And for me, that’s it. Chris wants a family and kids RIGHT NOW, and she is still growing and doesn’t know what she wants! Chris literally asks her what she wants, and she doesn’t know. She doesn’t have to in the grand scheme of things! I don’t! But let me say it again: THIS IS THE BACHELOR.

“Why don’t you feel like you’re in love with me?” Chris finally asks. She doesn’t know. She can’t answer that.

“All I know right now is that I want you,” Becca tells Chris. I think that’s too little. I don’t think that’s enough to make this work in the long run. Becca also reveals to Chris that her biggest hang-up is what she would find to do in Arlington that isn’t just being “a wife.” And that’s a totally fair and real point and is making me lean towards thinking Becca doesn’t really want this either. This show is about getting married, and it is clear that Becca does not want that. She wants out. Set her free, Chris!

Chris’s big thick noggin still doesn’t know what to do though. Christopher. The answer is in front of you, and it’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

Whitney.

She and Chris do get their full final day date, which if he and Becca had we never saw. Whitney and Chris are on his farm to do a little corn harvesting. Mmm, my favorite date. The Traditional Iowa Corn Harvest.

Obviously Whitney is over the moon about this and says she has to “pinch herself” to believe it’s real. Oh, this corn harvest is very real. Much like on Bali, the only time Chris has been fully animated and energetic is talking about farming.

Chris gives her the tour of his sparsely decorated home. It has potential, but you can tell that Chris’s mom did all she could to make it not just a white empty space. They drink wine by the fire, and Whitney pours her heart out to him even more than she already has.

With these two we also get an evening date at Whitney’s hotel suite to have a final talk before the big day. Whitney pours her heart out once more that she is totally confident that she could thrive in Arlington because she loves Chris so much. She makes sure that everything is laid out on the table between them, so that she can come out of it with no regrets.

They share many, many tiny smacky kisses before saying goodbye for the night. Whitney feels so confident that she loves him and that they have something great, but she’s still so worried and nervous that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye tomorrow.

As the sun rises over the vast, snow kissed fields of Iowa, Chris peers out a tiny, smudged hotel window at Dubuque to consider his future. I guess instead of the traditional Shirtless On A Balcony Considering His Future shot that we normally get, we have to settle for this.

AND THEN MAYBE MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE SEASON HAPPENS. NEIL F***ING LANE (BELOVED PURVEYOR OF DIAMONDS AND TANNED LIZARD KIND) IS IN IOWA, AND HE IS NOT PLEASED.

“Did you ever think you’d be coming to Iowa?” Chris welcomes him.

“Did I ever think I’d be coming to Iowa? No. NO. I never thought I’d be coming to Iowa,” he retorts as he takes in the meager surroundings of Chris’s hotel room.

Chris works with him to pick out a ring all while voicing over his doubts about proposing to one of these women. Becca puts on a SLAMMING FLOOR LENGTH, LONG SLEEVED, BURGUNDY VELVET DRESS. IT’S THE MOST AMAZING THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Whitney is wearing a really pretty long sleeved black (it might be navy. I’m really, really bad at distinguishing black from navy) dress. It’s not quite the stunner that Becca is in.

The final rose ceremony will be taking place in the Soules’s family barn that has been set dressed within an inch of its life. There are hanging lamps and old car parts on the walls and staged light coming through stained glass. They even built a makeshift paddock for these two black horses that they no doubt rented for this whole shebang. I’m just delighted imagining the production designers in Pier 1 just saying, “Ugh. I don’t know. I guess farm chic is what we’re doing?”

This is it. We see the black stretch limo crawling along the dirt road to reveal who Chris is sending home, and in so doing, who he chooses as well.

Oh thank God it’s Becca.

Neither of them wanted this truly long-term.  She slowly climbs through the obstacle course of hay bales and pallets they have designed and takes Chris’ hands. He makes a speech about how much he cares for her and what an amazing woman she is, but makes the turn by telling her she’s not really ready for what he wants.

She is completely understanding because of course she is. She isn’t ready.

“You’re gonna make somebody so incredibly happy, but I don’t think that I’m the guy that’s gonna give you what you need,” he concludes. Becca is so gracious as she says goodbye to him. I think she was expecting this and, though she’d never say it, was hoping for this. They hug goodbye and leave on really good terms. That went really smoothly.

She sheds not one tear in her exit interview in the limo. This woman is a pillar of grace. I also think she’s somewhat relieved that at 26, she isn’t tied down to world’s smallest town and just being a housewife for the rest of her life.

Now is the fun part. They producers are being cheeky as ever as they play music that's clearly supposed to evoke Field of Dreams over Whitney arriving at the Rose Ceremony Barn of Love.

Whitney gets out of the limo and you can hear how ragged her breath is from nerves. Good Old Chrarrison points out that she is shaking like a leaf. She is. Is her dress blue or black you guys? This is a serious problem I’ve had my whole life. Blue or black?!

He takes her hands to steady her and she is blinking like a crazed owl to calm herself. Whitney speaks first as she tells Chris how he has exceeded all her expectations of him and how sure she is that they will be together forever.  And she says, “I love you,” to him like seven million times.

Chris starts his speech to her, and he’s still really bad at speeches. True to the end, my friend. True to the end. He is so impressed with her and excited by her and amazed by her.

“It’s not work for us. It’s natural. We both want the same thing, and it feels so right. It feels so perfect,” and he takes a deep breath and long pause, “And that’s what I want for the rest of my life. I love you.”

She is over the moon to finally hear him say it. So he gets down on one knee to propose marriage to her! They kiss! The music swells! He picks her up to hold her tight! They both feel like the luckiest boy and girl in the entire world! SO VERY MAN TINY TENDER SMACKY KISSES!

Chris gives the final rose to a beaming Whitney who just keeps saying, “I love you.” They share their final moments on screen sitting on the open edge of the barn window, and it’s quite lovely. Yay for them!

This time the After the Final Rose doesn’t need a full recap. Just a few bullet points. Thank GOD.

Becca was, once again, an absolute pillar of grace as she spoke to Chris. They are both on very good terms.

Whitney and Chris are still very much in love.

Jimmy Kimmel gave them a cow he named Juan Pablo.

And...the announcement of our new Bachelorette is actually a poisonous wound festering in my soul these last few days. They claim that both America and the producers were SO torn on whom to choose for The Bachelorette that they didn’t! Both Kaitlyn AND BRITT will be competing for the love of 25 guys. And at the end of THE FIRST NIGHT the men will determine who they will be pursuing in love on the rest of the Bachelorette journey. I have enough thoughts on this to fill an entire page, but in the meantime, what are your thoughts? How do you feel about an already depraved show pitting two women against each other for the men to decide who they deem more worthy of love? Ask is open!

And once again, thanks for going on this journey with me! You are all so great and make all this hard work worth it. XOXOXO

The Bachelorette - Finale Recap

The time has finally come to wrap up this long show’s journey into night. It is the end of the Bachelorette for another year, another end of all the hopes and dreams of so many young men and one woman. And it’s the end of my time with all of you for a while. Parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, so before we part, let’s watch this tragi-comedy unfold.

Before any filmed footage is shown, we of course have to check in with Chrarrison and the live studio audience. We do receive on important piece of info from Old Chrarrs: whoever Andi didn’t pick is so heartbroken that he has tried to contact her several times to get closure. He even tried to contact her “while she was vacationing in Mexico, and she refused to speak with him”. UH. NO DUH. BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF AN UNWELL PERSON. And I guess he tried to confront her again during the Men Tell All and she refused him again. Oooo, how will this fage?

The episode kicks right off with Nick coming to meet Andi’s family. We have her very intimidating father Hy, her sweet mother with terrible fishing hook eyebrows Patti, and her sister Rachel and brother-in-law…Haley? His name can’t be Haley but that’s what it sounds like. Nick is nervous but excited to meet Andi’s family. He’s taking this very seriously.

I guess the bro-in-law’s name is Ailey which makes less sense than Haley, but whatever. The whole family is commenting on how nervous Nick is acting. He’s being very reserved and stumbling. They manage through lunch, and Nick is getting worried they will think he’s a jackass.

So Nick sits down with Patti to talk it all out. “I know that Andi’s it for me…I love her in ways I never I thought I could love someone before,” Nick says, at which point Patti tears up.

Andi sits down with her sister Rachel who desperately needs some morrocan oil for her hair. Andi shares how Nick truly sees her whole soul and when he kisses her, she feels his passion for her.

The biggest moment comes when Nick sits down with Hy to ask his permission to marry Andi. Hy simply asks what it is that he likes/loves about Andi. Nick answers diplomatically, but Hy makes sure his eyes are on the future.  Nick asks for the blessing. Hy hesitates; then he goes on to explain that he thinks Andi is as special as Nick does and gives his blessing. Nick passes the family test with flying colors.

Now it’s Josh’s turn against the firing squad! Based on his politician nature, I have no doubt he will do well with her family. The family already loves him because he lives in Atlanta, but Hy is cautious because Josh has a lot to live up to compared to Nick. Hy straight up laughs at Josh because he can see that he is trying so hard to look cool and casual but is so nervous, “This poor guy didn’t have a prayer.” Oh Hy, you’re the top.

“This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is…he’s just boisterous and a little chaotic,” Patti says. Uh-oh, do I sense trouble in paradise? Josh has some ground to make up with her parents.

Rachel listens to Andi’s concerns about Josh with the best kind of sisterly grace. She hears all her worries that he is a former-athlete and maybe a salesman but is confident in Andi’s feelings. Rachel and Ailey then take Josh aside to talk seriously about his feelings and intentions for Andi. Rachel approves of Josh.

Then it’s time for Hy to take Josh aside and level with him. Hy is such a straight forward guy. No frills, no fuss, just says what he’s thinking. I like that. Josh speaks up for himself and meets the expectations though. Hy asks, “Are you sure this isn’t just a camp romance?” which I LOVE because that’s exactly what this show can be sometimes! Camp! And then you go away to school and you’re so sure it’s going to be the same, but it isn’t. Awww, Hy. Stick around all the time.

Josh really stands his ground though that he feels the forever kind of love for him. Josh boldly tells Hy, “in a few days, I’d love to propose to your daughter and I’d love to make her my wife.”

“You’ve got my blessing. The only one you gotta worry about is hers,” Hy says. WHAT A GUY. WHAT. A. GUY.

Well, that was quick and painless. Everybody loves Josh too.

Andi now has her final date with Josh. She is wearing the shit out of a tropical print caftan while she and Josh go yachting about the island. They can’t keep their hands off each other as the Caribbean winds whip around them. It is quite the romantic scene. These two are VERY canoodley which is starting to make me doubt my instincts that Nick will win.

They get to jump off the yacht to go swimming, and you can totally 100% see the camera guy swimming alongside them which is so funny to me. That kind of stuff is what makes me pause and think, “these two are having this romantic moment in the water…six feet away from a man in a wetsuit holding a waterproof camera…” like, WHAT?!

For dinner, the couple meets up at Josh’s plush ass suite. The snuggle up on his couch to talk about fears, doubts, and hopes going into the future. Andi is just worried that the puppy love phase will end, and that the romance will fade, but Josh reassures her in his very confident way that he feels forever love for her. I’m tempted to feel swayed by this, but I’m not. I mean, I believe he THINKS he feels that, but come on. Who knows?

Then Josh whips out the special surprise he and the producers cooked up to give Andi one final sway in his favor. First he reads a nice, long letter to her because he couldn’t say the words to her. Then he presents her with a gift. It’s a baseball card with her picture and all her “stats” on it. Stats like “Games Played: doesn’t play games” and “Errors: can’t dance and swears too much”. At first, I really hated this card, but that’s at least a little bit cute. EXCEPT he presents it to her with her name ALREADY CHANGED TO HIS LAST NAME: ANDI MURRAY. LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO CONSIDER KEEPING HER OWN LAST NAME OR HYPHENATING IT BECAUSE FEMINISM IS DEAD AND YOU ARE JUST A MAN’S PROPERTY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Call me new-fashioned, but I just can’t handle all this assumption of women just taking the man’s last name, no questions asked.

Anyhow, Andi feels very good after their final date and a lot of very lip-smacky kissing. She is worried about how much she feels for Josh and how much he feels for her. But she knows how much she feels for him. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Nick has his final date coming off Andi’s two straight days spent with Josh. Andi is really looking for clarity with this date so that she really knows at the end of the day who her guy will be. They start off the day going off-roading through the island and land at a beautiful, private lagoon. At the lagoon, Nick talks about how much he liked her family and how he told them just how much he loves her. Andi feels like the love she feels from Nick makes her feel like a woman and makes her feel sexy. Which is something important to feel, so that’s something that Josh doesn’t necessarily have.

Back at Nick’s plush ass suite, Nick is worrying about where Josh is in the picture. He’s worried that she’s unsure. He’s worried he’s unsure. Andi really gets him to open up about what he’s so obviously worried about. He shares that the morning after his last engagement, he woke up and new something wasn’t right and doesn’t want to feel that with her at all. She reassures him that everything will be alright. And he tells her he loves her, and while she can’t say it back, she just tries to comfort him. Nick’s confidence is at an all time high. He says he can feel what she feels for him even though she can’t say it back.

The final gift for Andi’s favor that Nick presents is a necklace that has some sand from the beach where he first told her that he loved her in it. What a very pretty necklace, producers. Thanks for that. It’s very pretty actually, and is a more totem-like gift than the one from Josh. Although her reaction for Josh’s gift was more lively. I DON’T KNOW, GUYS. WHO WILL IT BE?!?!

Ahhh, the morning has finally arrived. Andi walks about the grounds of her casa in a pink silk teddy and black silk kimono. As she voices over her feelings for each guy, we also get to see the men staring out from their respective balconies not wearing shirts. So deep. So, so deep these moments are. But the heart of the matter is that Andi feels confident in her decision. I feel confident in getting to see Neil Lane in T minus three minutes!

Nick tells us, “I’m going to follow my gut, and my gut says to listen to my heart,” which is a lot of body parts being awfully talkative, Nick. He’s super confident that when he proposes to Andi, she will say yes.

On the other hand, we have Josh who is so excited to propose but is vulnerable enough to admit that she might not say yes. But even knowing that she could say no, he wants to do it anyway. Josh, stop making me like you against my will. Everything in me wants to greatly dislike you, but I CAN’T. Your voice is still annoying though, so there.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS, NEIL LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! Neil Lane comes to Josh’s rooms to present his sparkling wares for approval. He shows various bajillion carat diamonds surrounded by a million other, tinier diamonds, but none quite work. He shows one and says, “That’s a strong ring, and I hear Andi’s a strong woman.”

To which Josh replies, “She is. She’s a very strong woman.”

“And you can handle that?”

“Oh absolutely I can. She’s a strong woman and that’s a very sexy quality to me,” Josh says. They laugh. Joshua is making me like him more by the second. What is happening to me you guys?

They finally settle on a huge oval cut diamond ring that is, of course, encrusted by a billion other diamonds. It is very pretty. It’s too much for me, but I’m not Andi.

So then we cut over to Nick who is very excited to look at some rings from King Neil. He gets up to answer the knock on the door, but to his surprise and MUCH to my own, it is Andi standing before him. DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Then before we get to hear anything about what actually happens, we have to talk to some of Bachelor Nation’s favorites about what’s about to happen. No one cares, least of all Michelle Money who asks the question of everyone’s mind: Who will be the next Bachelor? And while Chrarrison skirts about the answer, the cameras zoom in on Farmer Chris’ face again and again. The whole studio audience chants “Chris.”  It’s very obvious that it’s Farmer Chris, although they refuse to actually just say it is.

But back to the actual matter at hand: Nick’s impending doom. They have a seat and Andi starts off with, “I was thinking about what you said at night, and…thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t think something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” Then her voice starts to wobble because the emotional truth is coming out. That Nick is not her guy. She just keeps repeating “It’s not right.”

Nick is many things right now. He is shocked. He is sad. He is angry. He is confused. So he just starts talking and is rambling about how he doesn’t understand how she could look at him the way she did and react the way she did to him telling her that he loved her and not mean it. So she tries to defend herself that she did mean it but now she just knows that a life with him would just be a life of overanalyzing every moment.

Woah. Way harsh, Tai.  That was way harsh.

So then Nick jumps on the Way Harsh train and asks, “Is this really about us or is it about someone else?”

And Andi, sitting there tearfully, doesn’t respond because she is a lady and will spare him the torment of the answer to that question. Then Nick says some very interesting things. He says, “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far…Just remember when we were in the water and I told you that I loved you and you said ‘I wish I could say things back.’…There are just some things I wish you wouldn’t have said or done.” Like…sex? Is that what you’re pissed about Nick? You’re gonna throw her under the bus for that?

But Andi leaves with hardly another word and walks out into the rain. I bet the producers were giddy with glee over timing this exactly with the thirty minutes a day that it rains in the Dominican Republic. Nick stares out his balcony for a while then begins to pack. We watch him fold his boxer-briefs and then throw away all his roses from the pocket of his carry on. Ah, buddy. Methink you flew a little too close to the sun, Icarus.

At least she did it this way to save you the further embarrassment of picking out a ring, ACTUALLY PROPOSING, and THEN getting dumped on a platform on which her future happiness will also begin. CONSIDER THAT, IN YOUR AGONY NICK! CONSIDER THAAAAAAT.

But we have no more time for agony, we have an engagement to get to. Andi is looking beautiful in a cream chiffon dress with embellished neck. Josh is wearing a suit that appears to be made for a toddler. It’s so tight on his giant arms and is streeeeeeeetched all across his back and totally puckered where he’s buttoned it. What? Did they lose his suit and have to put him in Nick’s?

Josh starts his speech to Andi by saying that he left baseball (???) to find a great lover that was out there. “And then I found you Andi Dorfman,” he says. And ok, fine, I love that he uses her full name. He waxes poetic about how much and how he loves her. How lucky and blessed he is to have found her and how much he loves her bright smile and her eyes. AND DAMMIT. I like this speech. But also shut up.

Then it’s Andi’s turn to say her piece. She starts off slowly and builds that it was scary to know that Josh would only say I love you to the woman who would be his wife. But then she says the only way to describe what she’s feeling is “Love. Josh I love you. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m madly in love with you.”

And then Josh is so happy because he was scared for a second! Then he gets on one knee and says, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman,” FULL POINTS FOR USING HER FULL NAME, “Will you marry me?” And she says YES! Of COURSE! And then they kiss for what feels like seventeen hours because we hear at full volume every single smackey-smackey kiss they share. THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE KISSY SOUND. Maybe turn the mic packs down a touch?

Josh accepts the final rose amid another hurricane of kisses. They just keep saying I love you to each other and then kissing and Josh is the sweatiest monster of all sweat monsters. And they sit on the dock at watch the sun set.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Kind of. Some shit went down at the After the Final Rose ceremony that we’re going to need to discuss, but for now, this is where we’re at. I’ll be sharing some AFR thoughts later. Until then SO MANY KISSES AND HUGS to all you readers. Infinite thanks for making this such a fun thing to do. And I really hope you’ll watch Bachelor in Paradise with me. 

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

The Bachelor - Episode 4 Recap

"I threw up in my mouth, but then I swallowed it back down!"

I'm so excited that the international tour has started so earl this season! Join Juan Pablo, the remaining ladies, and my slowly increasing inebriation this week in Seoul, South Korea.

Of course we open on the tender moments shared by Juan Pablo and Camila before they part ways for many moons. Camila is 4.5 and her object permanence in general is not good, so she does not exactly understand what's going on.

When Chris Harrison enters the mansion to tell the ladies they are going to Seoul, they scream and react like the girls on America’s Next Top Model. More than a few ANTM parallels this season.

“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” Clare cries out to the gods, who of course do not hear her prayers because OBVIOUSLY kimonos are from Japan, and while it is geographically near Japan, South Korea has a completely different culture and traditional garb. GOD, CLARE. GET IT TOGETHER. (Sidebar: did a quick Google search and it turns out the Korean traditional garment is called a “hanbok”, is similar in certain ways to the kimono, but still different enough that Clare is an idiot and I win).

They play some pretty generic “Asia” music as JP walks around and talks about how excited he is to be and date somewhere new. The girls arrive and are actually pretty cute walking around smiling so huge to take in the sites. Now when I say their suite is plush, it is PLUSH. Why don’t they focus on how fun it is to be abroad in a plush-ass suite with new friends more?

Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki are on the first of two group dates this week. Nikki is extremely disappointed to be on a group date and not a one-on-one. She is not looking forward to it but at all.

The date is dancing to a popular K-Pop band called 2NE1 (pronounced “twenty-one”). They are Korean mega-stars that we of course have never heard of. The women are wearing athletic gear for this, for dancing is an athletic event. Juan Pablo is wearing a combination of harem pants + hammer pants. Somehow it works.

The queen bee of 2NE1 speaks absolutely perfect English and is really cool. Way cool. Cooler than I will ever be. I’m obsessed with her. Come back and teach me your ways. Everyone takes turns to show off their dance moves, some are better than others. Nikki just does mom-dancing to make up for how bad she is. It works. It’s charming.

Oh my God, Cool Girl is teaching them choreography. I’m so jealous. Kat is up on her high horse because she was a professional dancer and has been dancing forever. She actually says, “I’m the best”. Meanwhile sweet Cassandra is kicking ass because her most recent profession was also NBA Dancer. Kat’s on my last nerve.

Cool Girl and the rest of 2NE1 invite the women to their show that night to not only see the show but also to dance alongside them. That is legitimately pretty cool. Nikki is terrified because she’s not very good.

“I kinda wanna crap my pants. I hope we are performing for the South Korean School of the Blind” admits Nikki. Girl, I appreciate your realness as anyone would be muy nerviosa.

They get to have professional hair and makeup done and very cool, very K-Pop wardrobe that’s all neon and leopard print and sparkles. Nikki is still pissed that she sucks so bad at dancing and has to do this. Have at least a little fun in hair and makeup, Nik?

Now the night of the performance is upon us and, to be fair, it’s actually a mall show. But it is packed to the rafters. Cool Girl is obviously the Beyoncé/Harry Styles of the group because she takes the reins for the audience as well. Cool Girl calls the contestants up onto the stage to begin the routine, and I’m super embarrassed for these girls. It’s a bit of a hot mess: Kat is way too into herself, most of them don’t know the routine well enough, it’s a lot happening.

“If she would rather stay in South Korea and be a backup dancer for 2NE1, I think she should stay here,” Nikki sasses to camera. I love Nikki. Throw that shade girl. We are all thinking it.

After hearing the song a bunch all episode, I finally figure out how on Earth I know a K-pop song by the group 2NE1. It was part of the best routine all season on So You Think You Can Dance courtesy of Mark Kanemura, alien genius and choreographer extraordinaire. Click on this sentence to see the dance that will make you feel like an empowered high priestess from the future.

Back to the date! We are now at an absolutely stunning oasis of traditional Korean architecture where everybody settles in to have alone time with Juan. Kat pulls him aside first and tells JP that she’s not all just “fun and games”, and then shares that her father was an alcoholic his whole life and that he wasn’t a father at all. Thank God! Thank you for that VITAL piece of info which explains 100% of the reason you need constant love and attention and validation especially from men.

Nikki takes the time to shit on Kat a little bit to the other women there. Cassandra is like “no thanks” to drama and cattiness. Elise makes the grave, grave error of making sure that Juan Pablo’s eyes are open to the women still here who might not necessarily be good mothers. Never make the conversation about the other women being not good enough, Elise! That is a rookie move! That is a one-way ticket to the “crazy drama girl” zone and going home!

But in her one-on-one time, Nikki really shines with Juan Pablo. She seems to be very honest about things, and I can understand the difficult time she’s having. If I were around Kat, I would need to blow off steam about it too. But she also needs to be careful to not get the “mean girl” tag on her head.

Nikki gets the second date rose in a row and the other women are not happy. I really like Nikki and I think the other women need to take a step back and just focus on their individual “relationships” with this man.

Sharleen gets the sole (HA) one-on-one and the date card says “Are you my Seoul mate?” The Bachelor and I love word play. We get to watch a deeply unsexy shower with Juan Pablo and a zoom in on what I assume are supposed to be knockout abs. No need to objectify what isn’t even there.  What is interesting about this shower scene is that he reveals that Sharleen has been on his radar since day one and even says outright that she is his “favorite one”. He’s stoked for his date.

Sharleen is nervous but doesn’t know if Juan Pablo is “the one”. She is so stunning. Her eyebrows are just so strong and so, so beautiful on her beautiful face. The couple has fun wandering around a huge Korean market where they try on hanboks (HEY GUYS! THINGS WE LEARNED ABOUT EARLIER!) and eat exotic foods. They move on to a traditional Korean tea house where Juan Pablo asks her all about her singing because he really wants to hear her sing. She’s demure and doesn’t want to. I get it. Opera singing is, by nature, super freaking loud. And whenever anyone tells you to do what you do on the spot it’s uncomfortable. I don’t walk up to you on the street and tell you “do my taxes!” so don’t command me to “tell a joke!” or “sing!” in this instance.

After they have changed into their eveningwear and are in the patio of a temple, Juan Pablo and Sharleen joke around and he kind of pushes her into singing. Finally he closes his eyes so she’s comfortable enough to sing. So she does. And she’s really amazing. And then they kiss because he’s super into her and she’s starting to open up a lot to him. Slowly but surely.

“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” is how Sharleen wraps up how her date with Juan Pablo went. That’s good! I love how she is being how a normal person would be in this. She is so open about not knowing whether or not Juan Pablo is the number one man in the world that she needs to be with forever. That’s normal! That’s how it SHOULD be! I’m Team Sharleen.

But queue the record scratch: Sharleen doesn’t want kids right now. She explains herself very well, and Juan Pablo is very understanding about it all. He really, really likes Sharleen though, so she gets the rose because she’s so different and has class and is so honest. They kiss, and of course we see her tongue. They stretch necks like giraffes across the table to kiss more. These two need to figure out how to kiss each other better.

Ok Group Date time! We have the remaining girls so that’s Renee, Lauren, Ali, Andi, Clare, and Kelly. They meet up with Juan Pablo in the middle of some street. Exploring Seoul with some crazy activities is the crux of the date, so I guess it’ll be vignettes of fun cultural things.

Up first is Karaoke in a private room. They jump around going crazy singing in Korean to random K-Pop songs. Then they do some snacking at a market. Then of course, OF COURSE, there’s a photo booth. Swan paddle boats get involved.

And then, oh then, they get those pedicures where the fish eat the dead skin off your feet. No. No, no. No, no, no, no. They are screaming like the rude Americans they are, and I am almost puking. The fish are all over their feet. I hate it. But this is where we all start to turn on Clare. She is very territorial and possessive of Juan Pablo. You can see the crazy predator look in her eyes when the other girls are talking or sitting next to him.

Back on the streets, Clare insists to Juan Pablo that she won’t eat anything crazy “like octopus”. So obviously the next stop on the “Krazy” train is to a street food vendor who sells octopus. Juan Pablo is in on the joke, and I admire him for forcing an American idiot try something new. Clare puts up the biggest fight, causing a scene amongst all these Koreans. The other women are not having her drama-mama attitude. She finally eats it in the most dramatic way you can imagine.

Ali makes a good point that octopus isn’t even that exotic. “You can get that at any Italian restaurant down the street in Chicago,” she points out. Ali is starting to grow on me. I hope she sticks around for a bit.

For night time, they go to the rooftop garden at the hotel they’re staying in. Kissing Juan Pablo is the topic du jour, and it’s fanning the flames of jealousy. As soon as he pulls Renee away first, the claws are out.

Renee is hoping this will be the perfect time to finally kiss Juan Pablo. I am too because if it doesn’t happen soon, she’s just going to be “the other mom” and a therapist rather than a romantic interest. They end up talking about kissing a lot, but he decides to “take a step back” so he can “set a good example for Camila”. Hmm…

Andi’s time is notable because he mentions how much he likes that she gets his sense of humor and can make him laugh too. Laughter is like, so important y’all. He calls her “bella” and she doesn’t know what that means. And that’s fine. But I still don’t understand how they didn’t tap a SINGLE Spanish major in this entire group. How?!

Lauren, the girl who rode up on the first night on a bike-piano and from whom we haven’t heard much else, is nervous about kissing him. She flat out asks Juan Pablo for a “beso” while they are dancing to no music, and he flat out says no because of Camila. She, of course, cries a little because it’s hard to get rejected to your face unlike the other women he hasn’t kissed because they weren’t so awkward about it, Lauren!

She’s crying in front of Juan Pablo now which is really, really awkward. Juan Pablo is across the board trying to hold back from kissing too any other women, and the other women have now seen the whole drama go down between Lauren and JP. Andi pulls her aside to cheer her up for a little pep talk and she feels better but still feels stupid.

Clare is still on the loose though, and now she’s got her alone time.

“Oh my god! I ate octopus!” she says first. And then, “You know what happened? I threw up in my mouth, but I swallowed it back down!” Romantic!

They talk more about not kissing each other but then Juan Pablo tells us that he is helpless against how sexy she is. I mean, fair, but Clare’s insane, so that’s coloring my view of her beauty. I mean, she is nuts.

In the end, after all that talking about kissing and not kissing, the rose goes to Andi whom he has kissed in the past but did not tonight. He really likes her, and so do I. This bodes well for Andi.

For the Rose Ceremony we are at an opulent Korean temple palace. It is honestly stunning. They lay the women out like a harem on red satin sofas and JP pulls Kelly aside first to talk. I have no idea about their relationship, but I relish Kelly’s candor and wry sense of humor. I need Kelly the “Dog Lover” to stay on this journey. But we don’t see Kelly’s conversation at all.

Clare’s conversation on the other hand we get to hear. She makes some great Miss America speeches about how stepping out of her comfort zone is worth it. And just as Clare starts talking about her dead dad again, Nikki approaches to talk to Juan Pablo despite having a rose. Clare. Is. Pissed. The other women are pissed. Nikki is sowing some bad blood.

Somehow the situation in the house comes up, and all of the sudden Nikki thinks that Clare was telling Juan Pablo that Nikki is causing drama in the house. Then Nikki is upset and then Clare comes to talk to Kelly and Nikki. It’s a lot of nonsense so I’ll boil it down:

Clare tells Nikki that seeing her one way around the women and another way around Juan Pablo is rubbing people the wrong way. Clare tells Nikki that that behavior doesn’t merit a rose so Nikki replies, “Well, you’re not handing out the roses.” So that’s that for now. Of course they will both stay around for a long time, so we need to remember this as the beginning of the feud.

At the end of the night there are roses to hand out. Sharleen, Nikki, and Andi are all safe already. Juan Pablo calls out the names in the following order: Renee, Chelsie, Kelly, Danielle (I, TOO, FORGOT SHE WAS STILL HERE), Cassandra, Ali (who he always calls Alison), Clare, and the final rose goes to Kat. This means poor, awkward Lauren is going home as well as Elise. I told you, Elise. I warned you that bringing up anyone elses shit would get you here and I was right.

Next week they are off to a warmer clime in Vietnam! So now I must leave you until then. Of course you can, and should, find me over on Twitter @chasspod, and new recaps go up every Wednesday. ¡Un besote mis amores!

"This" is the new "That":

Twitter PornBots are the new deposed Princes of Nigeria, internet scam-wise.

Henley Monday -

I'm not wasting any of your time with funny business today. I'm jumping right in because the man of the hour, the Man of Steel himself Henry Cavill, deserves it.

I spent some time looking for a picture of him in a henley and could barely look at certain pictures of him for too long because it made me uncomfortable, such is the level of his attractiveness. He is a perfect human specimen.

How is it possible for him to be a real person who has perfect eyes, jaw, mouth, teeth, body, hair EVERYTHING. HE IS LIKE A COMPUTER GENERATED PERFECT MAN. BUT HE'S ORGANIC. I CAN'T. I CANNOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT.

GOD HE'S SO HOT. LOOK AT THE FURROWED BROW. AA;LWEJROA!!!

Henley Monday -

Look at that smile plastered on this smug S.O.B. It’s like he’s taunting us. Taunting us to gaze so longingly upon his perfectly formed, truly god-like physique and eyes bluer than the ices of Jotunheim. Dear, dear Chris Hemsworth, we are so blessed by your existence and perfect casting/performance as Thor, God of Thunder.

Henley Monday - 

Welcome to fall! The wind's turning chilly, and we're all wearing sweaters full time! JUST KIDDING IT'S A MILLION DEGREES EVERYWHERE AND WE'LL NEVER BE A COMFORTABLE TEMPERATURE AGAIN.

But Fall is coming as it must. It has to. It's the law. Science. Michael Fassbender is going to help me get by until that point though in this cotton knit henley under a suede jacket. He is so weathered and rugged he looks like one of those Dust Bowl photos only beautiful in a less depressing way.

Me, my 1890's hair, pearls, and Diet Coke are over on Twitter live tweeting the Oscars right now! What are you waiting for?! Join me!

Click here to join in the festivities!