Throwback Thursday - It Is My Absolute Great And Supreme Pleasure  To Present To You My Findings From

Unlikely Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

                              Today is Valentine's Day. A day that, despite some pretty negative press, I find delightful.

It's the middle of winter.  The time of year when everything is gray and dreary and cold, and here comes Valentine's Day with red and pink and purple hearts and sparkles to brighten everything up!

Have I been single for every Valentine's Day of my life, save one my sophomore year of high school that I can't recall in the least? You bet.

Have there been Valentine's Days when I've wanted to throw snow and poop at couples in love and enjoying themselves? Definitely.

Would I probably enjoy having someone send me flowers and chocolate and professing his love via greeting card? I mean, duh.

But, being an adult now, I can look at this day as the brightly colored spectacle that it is. One shining day in which it's perfectly alright to share with those I love just how much, and why, I love them. I try to make a practice of that regularly (you should too), but why waste a perfectly good excuse to be down right mushy-gushy?

So, in honor of this St. Valentine's Day, I will be periodically posting some fine examples of love songs and damn fine performances from the one and only Celine Dion.

XOXOXOXOXO

Your Polar Bear

Henley Monday - 

Everyone! Everyone rejoice! Today marks the return of Henley Monday yet again. Has life been unbearable without it? Probably. I hope not, but it's become a staple in my life for sure. 

Enter yet another outstandingly charming, talented, and attractive British actor named Tom. This Tom is Tom Mison most known for playing the man out of time Ichabod Crane on Fox's Sleepy Hollow which is great, great, great. 

Enjoy him in this little soft, jersey hooded henley, and maybe later avail yourself of all episodes of Sleepy Hollow for it is pure delight in many parts thanks to the sincere and greatly comic work of Tom. Nicole Beharie is also a total boss on it so, yeah. Just watch the show, folks.

The Bachelorette - Episode 1 Recap

Oh hello there! Welcome! Welcome back to the beautiful event in time and space that is The Bachelorette. I'm very happy to be here, and what's more, I'm happy to be back in your head commenting every move our Lady Desiree and her male suitors make.

Let's jump right in - very edgy starting in with a montage of the season to come and not Chris Harrison saying "Tonight! On the Bachelorette." There are sweeping landscapes and smiles and tears and mystery women and heated meat heads throwing down with their words and fists.

Back in real time, Des pulls up to a brand new Bachelorette pad in a modest Honda Civic. She and Chrarisson tour the new digs (complete with drafting table and bolts of fabric for our little designer!) as Desiree recaps her ill-fated journey to love with Sean Lowe on last season of the Bachelor.

She has already cried twice in this episode. Once when reminding us that she grew up in poverty but her parents love each other a whole lot. And again when remembering being dumped by Sean. She is going to be crying a lot this season methinks.

Then Chris hands her the key to her brand new turquoise Bentley convertible. She goes for a little joy ride to a stupid song that includes the line “I think I love her more than I can understand”. She ends the voice over saying, “I’m ready to put a ring on it.” So there’s that.

Now for a little poolside chat with Chrarrison. She says, again, that she wants real love and compares herself to Cinderella looking for her Prince Charming. And, look, I really liked Desiree last season and am excited about her turn, but I really hate when women constantly align themselves with Princesses from Fairy Tales because a) fantasy world b) helpless maidens aren’t cool they’re helpless c) you shouldn’t want and expect a perfect prince you should want and expect a great MAN.

That being said the dress she is wearing to meet the guys is amazing. It looks like warrior alien armor which is my favorite kind of formalwear aesthetic. And I am just as nervous and excited as she is to watch these men embarrass themselves!

Before the first impressions, we have a few lil video packages about some standout guys. The first guy Bryden is sort of fine and describes his best characteristics as “loyal, kind, sensitive”, so he’s basically just a Labrador.

Next up is William who is one of my Chicago homeboys, and BOY does he embarrass me! He is a banker with an almost empty bookshelf and does bikram yoga by himself. He also walks the streets of Chicago demanding high-fives from unwilling strangers. Oh and he’s also black and points this out about himself so don’t expect to see William for very long.

We pull out a big card next I think in Drew, a dude who “loves his life.” He has a story about the divorce his mom from his alcoholic dad and having to take care of his mentally handicapped sister. He is very good-looking.

Oh hey we’re back in Chicago! I can tell because they use the same stock footage from before. Nick R. is 26 and is a “clothier” which is SO DOUCHEY OH MY GOSH HAHAHAHA. But on a serious note, he is doing important work. Men, go see a tailor. It’s necessary.

WOW BIG TWIST! NICK R. IS ALSO A MAGICIAN! HE DOES SOME MAGIC FOR A VERY LIMITED CROWD AT COMEDY SPORTZ (A GREAT THEATER YOU SHOULD PATRONIZE). HE IS AWFUL, AND I LOVE HIM.

Down in the “hill country” of Texas we meet Zak W. a 31 year-old drilling fluid engineer (wtf?) with crazy eyes who doesn’t like wearing clothes very much.

Robert is 30 going on 21 and is the man who brought people spinning signs into your world. Apparently that’s a thing that was invented and coined and Robert is the guy who did that. He has a baby face but looks great wearing a wetsuit half-way down and HAS A DOG WITH ONE EYE. I see what you’re doing there with that one-eyed dog, and let me tell you Robert, it is working.

Mike R. has a British family and is a dental student. He is oatmeal of a man.

Brandon is an adrenaline junkie, yeah! He wakeboards! Speaking of wakeboarding his father left his mother in quite a wake when he left Brandon and his brother at age 5. His mother struggled with addiction, but don’t worry guys! His grandparents showed him an example of a loving relationship. Thank God otherwise he would never be fit to be someone’s life partner.

Ok everybody, strap in. The moment is here. We’re about watch 25 men be really awkward meeting a pretty girl for the first time.

First out of the gate is Drew, our good-looking front runner of the men from those intro packages. They have a cute little moment, and I think our girl is feeling him.

Brooks has long hair and reminds me of this actor. Brad is a boring accountant who brought a wishbone as homage to when Desiree brought wishing pennies for the fountain. Shut up, Brad.

Bryden comes out next and his occupation is listed as “Iraq War Veteran” which isn’t an occupation. Michael G. is a federal prosecutor and strikes me a little bit as the type of guy who might be more excited about spending time with the guys in the mansion than Lady Des.

We are living in a world, folks, where a guy named Kasey can introduce himself by saying, “I’m in social media, and I looked you up and saw all these great hash tags about you. So I’ve got some hash tags of my own.” He giggles his way through some truly stupid hash tags, and I almost end it all right here. Hash tag – Stop it, Kasey.

Will from Chicago demands a high-five from Desiree. And then…And then he says this, “So, because you have the presence of a goddess, I decided to give you the nickname of Athena. Because she’s the goddess of wisdom. And she has outside beauty. And you have that outside beauty.” AND WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL IS GOING ON?! That makes no sense and is just WEIRD. He leaves her with the charge of coming up with a nickname for him too because forced nicknames are the best kind of nickname.

We meet a grown man named Mikey and Jonathan a soft-spoken yet sexually aggressive lawyer. Then our good friend Zak W. with the dubious job description and crazy eyes emerges shirtless and spray tanned like a pageant toddler. He spreads his arms and says, “Will you accept these abs?” Des, who has been the picture of grace thus far, just giggles in response.

James is a hair-slicked guido (also repping Chicago) who I actually kind of like on first impression. Larry is a bespectacled ER doctor who very awkwardly forces her to dance and then when he tries to dip her, her heel catches on her train. It’s very uncomfortable to watch.

Nick R. the tailor/magician does a trick to make a rose appear, Zak K. is a burly book publisher in a wee bowtie, and then some real magic happens. A guy clumsily clamors out of the limo and towards Desiree in a full suit of shining armor. His name is Diogo and he is every bit as awkward as you’d hope he would be. Even the guy refusing to wear a shirt thinks the suit of armor is a bit much.

Chris fake proposes but ends up tying his shoe. Mike R. shows up in his dentist coat, but I would like to remind you all that he is but a dental student and should not openly practice dentistry. Robert the sign spinning guy is totally nondescript in his intro but he’s growing on me. Oh, hola Juan Pablo former pro soccer player, cómo estás? He brought her a candy from Venezuela and Desiree cannot handle saying Juan Pablo. I don’t know how to make that easier for her.

Awwww, yeah! Brandon the Adrenaline Junkie/Painting Contractor comes slowly rolling in on a sweet hog! That motorcycle is the only memorable thing about his entrance. Brian is a douche in a (gorgeous) blue velvet sport coat. Micah is a moronic law student who comes out in a gimmicky ugly suit of his. Nick M. wrote a horrible poem and forgot to get his pants hemmed! See Nick R. about those pants! Dan is…a guy? I don’t know; he’s totally blah.

Oh and last but certainly not least is Ben an “entrepreneur” who decided that the best thing for him to do as a FATHER would be to prostitute his young son on national television to sway Desiree with his undeniable cuteness! REAL COOL MOVE, DAD. That trick may have worked on Desiree, but it’s not working so easy on me, guy!

Before the party gets started Chrarrison informs Des that she has the same opportunity that Sean had last go around as far as roses go. So all the roses available are out on the table, and she can give them whenever she wants.

Hash tag Kasey really feels how stiff the competition is. I have to agree. There are some champions among some true horrible goons. Des gives a toast and some advice to “just be yourself” which is the best advice we can ever get, really.

And before anything gets started, Nick R. pops up to get the attention of the crowd for some magic. Kill me now. Oh but wait it’s a hacky hoax to make Des disappear for a few seconds so he can talk to her first.

“Are you a magician full-time?” is the first thing she has to ask him because it’s important to know if you’re dating a MAGICIAN. My respect for him grows though when Brandon interrupts him and he insults him by calling him “pinstripes”. Haha, I know, right, Nick R.? What is this? 2002?!

Dude with the kid actually has a lot in common with Desiree, and they’re hitting it off. They talk about his kid and how they like camping and the outdoors. It seems natural. She gives him the first rose of the night.

Shirtless Zak W. with the crazy eyes is taking this as a serious reality check that maybe he needs to show Des that he’s serious about being there. The rest of the guys also collectively lose their *ish in jealousy and immediately step up the crazy.

Shirtless crazy eyes then does something I think we all predicted in the first five seconds of meeting him. He removes his pants and does a running jump into the pool. That’ll get her…? But it does, you guys, it does get her. She gives Zak W. a rose for jumping in the pool.

Bryden the Iraq War Vet who described himself with the qualities of a dog, talks about how he and his dog are best friends. He gets a rose.

Desiree and I are on the same page that Juan Pablo is one sexy Venezolano. He does tricks with a soccer ball like a trained seal. He’s so hot I really hope she keeps him just to see his face.

Drew is adorably nervous and gets a rose for all the things they have in common. The ER doctor who dipped her is freaking out and it’s still very uncomfortable because he apologizes to her. He’s less attractive than I thought and a little creepy with his intensity.

Jonathan the aggressive lawyer has once again made a “bold move” by getting really drunk and trying to set up a fantasy suite where he is “going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” And I hate this guy. I knew this guy in college. This guy is a handsome dirtbag and all around garbage person.

“She didn’t want to go to the fantasy suite. I don’t understand what’s wrong with her,” he slurs. AND THEREIN LIES ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MESSED UP MISOGYNY THAT A PRETTY WOMAN IS OBLIGATED TO DO STUFF WITH YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU DEEM HER WORTHY OF YOU.

He tries to take her into his weird makeshift fantasy suite one more time, and she puts her foot down. She sends him right home to the literal applause of the other men.

And now for the rose ceremony! Everyone is nervous because they all feel like they deserve to be there most. But let’s see who Des deems worthy of her heart and helicopter rides.

Those leaving us tonight include: Mike R. the pseudo-British dental student; Diogo the knight in shining armor; Larry the dipping doctor; Micah in the gimmicky suit; Nick R. the tailor/magician; and of course Jonathan the supreme a-hole.

Well there you have it. This journey to love is officially kicked off, and I am as excited as I always am for world travels and drama and hunky men acting like idiots. It looks spectacular and like there will be tears every week from not only Desiree but the guys too.

To those of you returning, you know where to find me. To those just joining the party, recaps go up every Wednesday and you can follow me on Twitter @Chasspod during the rest of the week. See you next week, journeyers!

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

"There's a difference between being honest and being an asshole."

We. Are. Back. Yes that’s right folks we are back for round two of this week’s double dose of the Bachelor. One day later, one day wiser, one day of hating Juan Pablo more. Tonight is the famous Fantasy Suite episode where sex is the issue around which all conversations tip-toe. If the previews haven’t mislead us, tonight’s episode should be chock full of juicy stuff, and I also I can see myself getting very caps-y. Strap in tight. Grab your wine. Let’s do this thing.

  This week we are in St. Lucia: a beautiful Caribbean oasis with tropical flora and crystal clear waters. Juan Pablo starts us off by saying, “OH St Lucia you are beauuuutiful.” Clare is up first for the full day plus overnight dates. Juan Pablo has already mentioned “no cameras” several times because he’s very excited for “no cameras”. They get into a dinghy and zip across the sea to a yacht. Clare is telling us, in a very exuberant manner, that she is honestly not sure if she will accept the overnight date if it’s offered to her. 

Really Clare? You’re nervous about spending the night again with a man when the last time you did it you were publically slut-shamed by both the show and the man you’re “so in love with”? Sounds about right. Even as they swim in perfect blue water, Clare tells us again how nervous she is. “The fantasy suite might not be for me,” she says. We’ll just see.

We move right along to the dinner date which will ultimately lead into the presentation of the fantasy suite card aka an invitation for SEX. LET’S ALL ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX HAPPENS BETWEEN ADULTS, THE BACHELOR. Ahem, in any case, Clare actually looks beautiful. She’s wearing this flowing white maxi dress. Say what you will about her, and believe me I have, but she is always styled immaculately.

Over dinner they talk about how much Clare wants to meet Camila and be a big part of her life. While Juan Pablo says her name “ca-mee-la” Clare says “ca-mil-a” which makes me laugh every time because that is the name of Gonzo the Muppet’s chicken girlfriend. Camila. The Muppet Chicken.

The date card is presented! Clare demures by giving a big speech about how it matters what Camila sees and how she feels about it all. But Juan Pablo is like “haha it don’t matter. I just really wanna bone you.” And so Clare is like “As long as we’re on the same page.” So they go to the fantasy suite because OBVIOUSLY.

“Everything he’s said to trust him about, I trust him,” Clare tells us as they enter a beautiful and white suite. She is gearing herself up to tell him that she loves him. They sit on a white couch and sip champagne, and he grabs her ear. He grabs her ear and keeps petting it. Don’t touch my ears! Then he gently pokes and caresses her face, and I’m dry heaving. Finally he drags it out of her that Clare is “loving falling in love with you.”

“Come here. It’s ok,” he says. I hate this guy. Then they have sexy hot tub time. “He’s that man that I want to have babies with. That I want to get married to. And I’ve never felt that before,” shares Clare. So that’s where they are at. Have at it, you two. At this point you deserve each other.

But the date we’ve all been waiting for is happening right now. Andi is up. Juan Pablo is so excited and says that Andi is just one of those people that you talk to and have chemistry with. Foreshadow. They walk around a place called the Denner Seafood Fiesta. They learn to play the steel drums. They buy street food. They sit down at a picnic table and make friends with little local kids. They offer them food and the kids say no to food from strangers because they are smart. Juan Pablo further belittles them by buying them juice. Oh and then they all play a pickup soccer game. “It’s like a little romance mixed with some culture. What more could you ask for on a date?” Andi asks. I don’t know, Andi. A man on that date who can think?

Then they hop in a land buggy, drive through the jungle, and then take a short jungle hike to yet another waterfall! Waterfalls are their thing, y’all. They share a little picnic and seem to share some actual good conversation about what happened at the hometown. Then they have sexy waterfall times. 

Over dinner, Juan Pablo wants to take the time to address something Andi said during hometowns. She allegedly said that she “badly” wants to fall in love, and he’s concerned that she’s forcing it. And he doesn’t want that. She clarifies though that she just wants to make sure that she is in fact in real love with him before entering into the role of mother into Juan Pablo’s family. He accepts this answer, and for now everything still seems very lovey-dovey on both sides.

“This is my life, and I don’t want to make a mistake. And I don’t want to regret it later,” he tells her. And while those sentiments are certainly true, they don’t have the delicacy they maybe should. They talk more and more about just what the other person is thinking. He says she’s not sure if she could be a good mother yet. “I don’t know these things.  That’s why I have an overnight with you tonight so we can talk about those things,” he tells Andi. 

She accepts the fantasy suite card signed with love from Chris Harrison. What a load of boloney that farce of Chris Harrison hand-writing these cards is. We all know it’s some P.A.’s job, Bachelor!

“Waking up this morning, I’m so happy. We frickin’ talked and laughed for hours! HOURS!” Juan Pablo beams to camera. He even thinks Andi could possibly be the one.

Smash cut to Andi walking down a path in a black maxi dress. “Waking up this morning, I couldn’t wait to get out of the fantasy suite,” she says, “I thought that I was falling in love because I had genuine feelings for Juan Pablo, but the fantasy suite turned into a nightmare. I saw a side to him that I didn’t really like.”

She tells us how she’d had concerns all along, but had pushed them aside because the times they spent together, they did have a good “connection. But then Andi launches into a laundry list of reasons why Juan Pablo was being a downright d-bag on her overnight. Anytime she tried to talk about something personal, he interrupted; he was name dropping; he talked about his overnight with Clare. “I’m not an idiot. I’m well aware of the situation, but I don’t need him to tell me about an overnight date with someone else when I didn’t even ask,” she says. “He doesn’t get it clearly. He has no filter. And him having no filter just comes across as him not caring.”

“It’s extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself.” Wow. Andi you rule. I love that she is being 100% honest. There is no sugar coating on her words whatsoever in how much she is not into this guy. He is narcissitic and kind of dumb and she is done with him thinking he can get away with just being “cute” and having everyone fall in love with him. She questions why she was so blind and is sad that she feels like she wasted so much time with someone she knows will never be a good partner to her. Girl, I feel you. But don’t beat yourself up about it too much. I think I speak for all of womankind when I say we have all fallen for a guy only to realize very abruptly that they were terrible, awful, horrible, no-good very bad men.

And in that light, this is maybe the first time we’re getting to see one of the women have this realization in real-time. I’m sure that there have been more than a few finalists who, after leaving the show, realized that the man they thought they were falling in love with was actually a no-good butthead (JAKE PAVELKA. BEN FLAJNIK.). But let’s get back to the drama at hand.

We are skipping right along to the overnight date with Nikki. Juan Pablo feels like both dates so far have gone really well, so he’s looking forward to see how things go with Nikki. HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL. YOU GUYS. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. THE OUTFIT SHE IS WEARING. I can’t. I cannot deal with it. Nikki is wearing a FLESH COLORED, FRINGE TEENY-TINY CROP TOP WITH TRIBAL PRINTED FLOWING LINEN PANTS. It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. Ever.

  They go horseback riding across the island. “There’s a difference between being a nice guy, and being a strong person. I’m a strong person so I need someone to match that,” Nikki tells us as they ride. The two have both separately mentioned that the other is a good kisser, so we know the sexual chemistry is there. They have a picnic on a beach and go swimming. She still hasn’t told him she loves him though and is banking on the dinner tonight to tell him. 

Dinner comes and goes with little fanfare, no “I love you”, and one fantasy suite card that Nikki whole-heartedly accepts. Juan Pablo says he will get some alone time with Nikki then whispers “finally” in the most lecherous, horn-dog way imaginable.

Once in the fantasy suite, they kiss a little and Nikki finally just says, “I love you, and I think you know that. But it’s taken a lot for me to say that.” Then Juan Pablo whispers some unintelligible nonsense to her while kissing her. Then they probably have sex.

Juan Pablo arrives at a swank-ass cabana with Chris Harrison to have a heart-to-heart chat. After clearing up some translation issues because Chrarrison is the man, they very vaguely talk about the women and what Juan Pablo is going to do. I had also completely forgotten that this is the week that the women leave personalized videos to help Juan Pablo with this huge decision. How will this fadge?

Nikki goes first, and it’s boring and fine. Then Clare goes, and are you the least surprised ever that she cries? And then it’s Andi’s turn. And she tells how she had real feelings grow, but then says that when she woke up in the fantasy suite, she needed to share some thoughts with him in person. Enter Andi stage left to have what is sure to be a rough conversation.

“Not once did he ever ask anything about me,” Andi says on her long, long walk up to the cabana. They finally meet, and she is immediately emotional. She repeats what she’s told us already that she had some genuinely good times, and genuine emotions for Juan Pablo. She flat out says that she realized she isn’t in love with him and that she isn’t ever going to be. He says that “it’s ok. That if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

“If you don’t feel it, there’s nothing I can do. I had you here because I liked you since week two…if you don’t feel it, it’s ok,” he says. And she says when he says that “it’s ok” it makes her feel like he doesn’t have feelings for her and doesn’t care about her. So he tries to rearrange his words so he can explain himself in English better.

He then says that it’s harder for Andi because she only had to think about one guy while he was busy dealing with the emotions of “twenty-seven, then nineteen, then the next”. Which is cool and demeaning. And then he repeats that he’s “Liked her since week two” and adds “So am I gonna die? No. But am I sad? Yes. Because I like Andi. I’ve liked Andi since week two.”

I mean what the hell guys? What the hell?

“Everything is always ‘it’s ok’ and I will die if I hear ‘it’s ok’ one more time!” she exclaims in frustration over him not understand why she’s upset. And he gets pissy that a woman is having an emotion in front of him and is like “why you upset?”

When she asks how he feels the overnight date went, he tells her how great he thought it was and how much stuff they talked about. She’s exasperated at this point. It’s like talking to a brick wall. He keeps repeating that he was “being honest” when he mentioned that Clare already had an overnight, and that Andi was there “by default”. He takes great offense! GREAT OFFENSE! Because he does not have that word “default” so he CLARIFIES that he said “you BARELY made it here!”

Oh GOOD. THANK GOD. THANK YOU FOR CLARIFYING THAT BETWEEN ANDI AND RENEE YOU JUST PICKED ONE FOR ALMOST NO REASON OTHER THAN MAYBE CUP SIZE. GOOD THING YOU DON’T KNOW THE WORD DEFAULT BECAUSE SAYING “YOU BARELY MADE IT” IS SO MUCH BETTER.

“There’s a difference between being honest and being an asshole, to be honest,” is how Andi reacts. And I cheer. I clap at the tv. Andi you are winning for calling this guy out on his bullsh*t.

The producers are going balls to the wall with shots of random wildlife. So far we’ve had: iguanas, birds, bees, ants, praying mantis, lizards, frogs! So many things! Back in the big fight Andi asks, “Do you have any idea what religion I practice? What my political beliefs are?” And he can’t answer anything. He basically blames her for not bringing up that she wanted him to know those things earlier. And Andi continues.

Then in a moment of moronic defensiveness he goes, “What’s my religion?”

“Catholic,” Andi snaps back immediately. And he turns his head down, and the look of shame on his face is PRICELESS. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW PERFECT IT IS. SHUT IT DOWN, ANDI DORFMAN. SHUT. IT. DOWN.

He goes on to completely blame Andi for the way she’s feeling now. He puts it all on her that she should’ve brought up these things earlier, but she failed to do it.

The conversation starts to wind down, and Andi starts to shut herself down completely too. Juan Pablo makes one last vain effort to apologize for how annoying it is when he says “it’s ok” for everything. I think he does genuinely try to apologize but the word “ok” just keeps escaping his lips. Then he reaches over to touch her face but really just pinches her eyebrow. Andi draws back in revulsion and asks him to “please don’t touch me. 

She leaves.

In total Juan Pablo says “it’s ok” a total of 26 times during that exchange. That is one “it’s ok” for every year of her life.

“Am I disappointed? Maybe a little bit,” Juan Pablo says to camera. He then explains that if she had just left quietly he would have been totally crushed, but because of the fighting and the problems she talked about, he doesn’t care. I mean, he’s right. Women shouldn’t have difficult emotions or make their man think about himself in any light other than perfection. So I get it.

“I’m all for honesty, but there’s a huge difference between being sincere and being offensive,” Andi tells us as she drives away, “He doesn’t get it. And he never will.” She’s ultimately disappointed because she wanted to find love with someone, not Juan Pablo no, no no, but with someone. You are twenty-six years old, Andi. You are a federal prosecutor. You are smoking hot. You are going to find someone amazing.

“I hope to God he’s different with Nikki and Clare, for everyone’s sake. Because if he’s not, what a wasted opportunity,” Andi says as the two women are lined up for the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo comes out and explains that Andi is not there because she didn’t have feelings for him, so she went home.

Both Nikki and Clare accept their roses after Juan Pablo gives a REALLY GREAT speech about how if there are any questions or doubts, they should come to him right away and he’ll be honest. I’m sure he will. And the group cheers to the end of the “amazing journey they’ve been on together”.

And that’s that! That is the end of a really, really great episode of the Bachelor. I think a lot of the things that we have felt and noticed the rest of the season finally came out from the mouth of one of the best women on the show. I love that this happened. Juan Pablo got called out on all his bad behavior, and guys, the Women Tell All looks so, so, so amazing. It looks like all the women are going to rip him a new butthole for being such a butthole.

UNTIL THEN, MY LOVES! I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod, I’ll be here on the blog answering your questions and posting other fun stuff, and I’ll be living in eager anticipation of next Wednesday when the recap goes up! LOVE YA!

Henley Monday -

Whew. I don't know about you guys, but I always feel extra lethargic the Monday after an Awards show. It could be because my emotions are running at full blast and I'm either euphorically happy and crying along with the winners or screaming about injustices to my TV (BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH. WHEREFORE??).

Anyhow, as the cast and selected crew of Les Mis assembled on the stage to accept their award for best Comedy/Musical (LOL at this anachronistic category), I noticed a very special someone missing. Aaron Tveit. Dear sweet Aaron Tveit or Enjolras as you may know him. Why wasn't he there?!? What on Earth could have kept him from being on my TV!?

So to make up for his absence, here is a handsome picture of him looking really masculine in mauve which is just a testament to not only his good looks but the power of the henley. Happy Monday.

Henley Monday -

Your brain probably needs a refreshing palate cleanser after the horrific catastrophe of an Emmys that happened last night. I don't know what went so terribly wrong, but wrong it went. There were upsets good (Tony Hale!) and upsets bad (Jeff Daniels??????) and all around weird moments (Carrie Underwood singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles in memoriam of the TELEVISION COVERAGE of the JFK assassination).

All this is to say that today more than ever we need to just look at the newly single Liam Hemsworth looking strong yet vulnerable in a crisp, white henley. Breathe serenity in....exhale Emmys post-traumatic stress out...

Game of One Direction:

In the game of One Direction, you live or you die. Or rather, you love and you cry. 

Let’s start in the North and work our way down south (that’s not meant to be sexual; we’re starting at The Wall and ending in Dorne, with an added treat at the end). Just who in the Seven Kingdoms are they? I’m SO glad you asked. 

Liam Payne = Jon Snow

First off, the physical similarities are uncanny; they both look like pouty neglected puppies with beautiful deep chocolate eyes and scruffy facial hair. Their faces just SCREAM love me, and I do boys, I love you more than Arya loves revenge. Deeper than that though is that they also have that quality that says,”I’ll make a life long vow to protect your kingdom, babe, but I’ll also have hot forbidden cave sex with you.”

Like Jon Snow, Liam would fight a giant for you; he looks amazing in midnight black threads; and is a natural born leader. The people he surrounds look to him for answers, guidance, and approval, a position he fills with natural ease. Liam wields his pen to write love songs that slay a young girl’s heart like Jon wields his sword to slay the White Walkers. Excuse me while I swoon!

It took both Liam and Jon a couple hundred thousand words to find their niche, but once they did they became warrior poets. I love you my brave boys. 

Also, Liam’s last name is an homonym for “pain”, which is what Jon Snow is in all the time. 

Laim, you can be the watcher on my wall, the sword in my darkness. Please be my fire that burns against the cold, my light that burns the dawn… 

Louis Tomlinson = Tyrion Lannister  

Ok, before everyone goes all Red Wedding on me, HEAR ME OUT. 

Like Tyrion, no one gives Louis enough damn credit. He’s the type of person with whom you’d get sloppy wine drunk and giggle like a pair of jesters till the sun comes up, all while bearing his soul to you bit by bit. By the dawn, he’s your new obsession. The minute someone pointed a cross bow at you, Louis would rush to your defense armed with only his acerbic wit. He can insult you to your face so cleverly that you won’t realize he’s done it till he’s sauntering away, but it’s so charming, you ain’t even mad. Louis and Tyrion are always five steps ahead of everyone else in the room, a constant reminder that you’ll never be as badass as they are. 

Underneath Louis’ sarcasm lies a heart that’s literally made of gold. The heart of a warrior, a lover, a true prince. Louis is a precious gift from the seven gods, AND WE NEED TO TREASURE HIM. 

You light a wildfire in me that burns bright and cannot be quenched. The world is in your debt, Louis, we’ll try to be more like a Lannister and always pay you back.

P.S. - It should be noted that Louis has the regal cheekbones of Cersei and is as handsome as Jamie. 

Harry Styles = Margery Tyrell

If I could describe Margaery Tyrell in one word it would be charming. Has anyone ever been more charming than she? There wasn’t one. Not one, that is, until Harry Styles climbed out of the primordial ooze of X factor. 

Think about it: Margaery is so beautiful, so sweet, so charming that she had Joffrey (noted psychopath and sadist) wrapped around her perfect finger. Margaery had Joffrey turn from screaming for the head of every peasant who side-eyed him to giving them free food. Remind you of anyone?

Harry is the type of person you could walk through a garden with while casually discussing sexual preference, a man who would glide into an orphanage handing out toys and love. A man with dimples the size of craters, and hair as majestic as a peacock’s tail. And no one, I repeat no one can pull off wearing the deepest of V-cut clothing like these two. 

Oh Harry, you’re a queen. Not just A queen, the queen. 

P.S. - Come 2020, I predict Harry will reach Margaery levels of hair majesty. 

Zayn Malik = The Red Viper Himself, Oberyn Martell

Once upon a time there was a Sun Prince. A Sun Prince so sexual, so captivating, so dazzling it felt as though all light and warmth came from his being and not the sun. That man was Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik. 

When Oberyn Martell glides into a room, all objects and persons slowly begin to revolve around him like the planets circle the sun. Zayn is no different. Zayn is a god, an enigma. Zayn just might be the same sun that’s affixed on the Martell banner. 

Oberyn and Zayn share a love of the beautiful things in life: art, music, his lady love. Don’t be fooled by his calm and charming exterior; Zayn is fierce. Zayn can seduce you with a look, wears the hell out of a dress coat, and would avenge your death twenty years after your murder. Others throw themselves at his feet, but he remains loyal only to you. 

Also, lets not forget when Niall got pulled down by paps at the airport and Zayn was all:

Most importantly, Oberyn’s fluid skillful twirl fighting is the physical representation of Zayn’s vocal riffing. 

No one has ever been as alluring as Oberyn Martell Zayn Malik 

Niall Horan = Hot Pie

Don’t be fooled by  his Targaryen good looks. Niall is Hot Pie through and through

Hot Pie may just be the best character in the whole series. Niall may just be the best person on the whole planet. 

When you’re sad and full of despair because you failed your test or perhaps because your whole family has been violently murdered, Niall is always there to make you smile. 

Like Hot Pie, Niall doesn’t get caught up in the tedious drama of everyday life. Sure, he supports you in your never-ending quest for violent revenge, but he doesn’t play the politics game himself. His carefree spirit and absentminded musings always bring a smile to your face and make him universally loved. It’s impossible not to adore these two. 

Remember the time that Hot Pie baked Arya bread in the shape of a direwolf like a motherfucking gentleman? Who else would do this for you but Niall? He might take a bite or six out of it before gifting it to you, but it’s the thought that counts. 

You bet your bottom gold dragon that this boy would shower you with love, humor, and loyalty. 

P. S. I had a sheer moment of panic this morning of “wait, is Harry ‘I used to be a baker’ Styles Hot Pie?”. But I feel my gut was right.

P.P.S. -.  My favorite sentence in ASOIAF is “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie” and my favorite member of 1D is Niall Horan. What do these two facts have to do with each other? Nothing at all. I just wanted to write “Hot Pie looked like Hot Pie.” Now I’ve done it twice. 

P.P.P.S. - If you disagree with me, I would love to hear your thoughts. Please let me know your opinions. I’d love to gently correct you on them. 

The Many Gifts of Paul F. Tompkins -

It is an indisputable fact that Paul F. Tompkins is a giver. He is a dapper gentlemen, a character actor at a genius level, everyone's favorite podcast guest and podcast-er. He is a giver who won't stop giving us delightful comedy treats.

His Youtube interview series "Speakeasy" is just one of the latest delights put forth by Mr. Tompkins. Each week he gets a superstar of the acting and/or comedy world (Aziz Ansari, Damien Lewis, Judy Greer, and Tony Hale to name a few). The interviews are a great peak behind great entertainers that break them down into real people and then blow you away with their hard work and artistry.

This week's episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar is on the shorter side at 13 minutes, but you won't even notice it. Nor will you notice the time passing as you go down the rabbit hole with the next interview that you just can't miss. Enjoy! Happy passing the time like lightening! Bless and keep you PFT!

Henley Monday - 

It's still ungodly cold in much of the northern United States, and now more than ever we need men in henleys to warm us right up. Enter the fourth man named Chris to be presented as the weekly Henley Monday: Chris Pratt. 

This is him last week at the Parks & Recreation PaleyFest panel. He....has gone through quite the transformation for his upcoming role in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy. It's pretty special. I mean, come on THAT FACE. That ADORABLE man. His character on Parks has always been one of my favorites and now that he looks like this, I might just be in full blown love.

Keep it up, Chris Pratt! We love you!

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Guys this is a lot of hours of tv I've recapped in the last three days. I've spread it out over the week, but really I hunkered down and did all six hours of the Bachelor within about 18 hours, and holy crap I am tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes and real quick listen to "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to pump me up.

Ok. Here I am. Back and ready to go. When last we left our heroes, they were en route to the Virgin Islands for some fun in the sun and for things with Tierra to reach their boiling point.

Sean just continues to be a tame lil' rebel and breaks the rules by arriving in St. Croix with the other women as they arrive by sea plane. He departs and the ladies set up in their hotel suite and plan all the fun times they'll have. While they chirp, Tierra set up a roll-away cot in one of the rooms because she's "not friends with girls who like her boyfriend." And needs space to focus on Sean. This is all completely normal and healthy behavior that is only to be expected of a woman mature and at a place in her life where she's ready to get married. JUST KIDDING TIERRA IS FULL BLOWN PSYCHO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PANS OUT.

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date. She’s super excited because the card said “let’s get carried away” and she “always gets carried away with Sean. If not physically, then emotionally.” Don’t let him physically carry you places, Ashlee. Be your own woman.

Tierra sings a nice little song called “the cougar’s back in town” about AshLee and how at 32, she is so old she’s useless to society and wonders what’s wrong with AshLee that a modern, independent woman with a successful career is not yet married and the mother of many babies.

There is no rose on the one-on-one because HOLY CRAP, the hometown dates are next week. Things are heating up! Where has the time gone? Let’s get Tierra the f*ck out of here, Sean!

As the cameras pan over AshLee stripping down to her bikini, Sean voices over how proud he was that AshLee let him blindfold her in Canada and show her vulnerability like only someone who planned a stunt down to a tee can. They take a catamaran out to their own private island for fun in the sun sexy times.

Cut to Lesley, Catherine, Dez, and Lindsay cackling like crows and discussing what else, Tierra. It’s an accurate and candid moment of girls talking about another girl behind her back. Then AshLee on the beach (while it drizzles? Is it raining?) tells Sean the details of why they don’t like Tierra and what her problems are. It’s pretty straight forward, and honest, not cruel. And he seems to take it kind of well? I’m not sure. His simple mind is hard to read.

When Tierra FINALLY gets her one-on-one date card, she is none too pleased to discover that they’ll be walking the streets of St. Croix. I mean the bugs are attacking her and her (METRIC TON OF) makeup dripping off doesn’t sound special enough. Tierra Hulk about to make appearance.

AshLee wears a crop top and floral sarong (???) to the ocean-side dinner with Sean. He immediately asks a hard-hitter, if there’s anything they haven’t covered about her family that they need to. Dramatic pause. She has a bomb to drop and they drag out that dropping as long as possible.

Turns out AshLee is a divorcee! She got married at seventeen when she was a junior in high school and was divorced the next year! Yikes! I thought she maybe had three secret kids (no way she would’ve talked about those guys constantly) or maybe like killed a guy and went to jail for a bit. But she’s still just as ashamed as if she had killed a guy. Sean tells her he thinks she’s perfect just the way she is and that she isn’t broken. That’s nice. It’s the truth. But still nice to reiterate that being divorced in no way makes you a broken and ruined human person.

Then AshLee stands up and says, “Are you ready?” And Sean replies, “For what?” And boy, did he have no idea what was coming because AshLee then screams, “HELLO ST. CROOOOOIIIIX!” and he likes this game because he does the same thing! Then they play some more and she says, “Ready?” and he says, “For what?!” and she takes a deep breath and screams, “I LOVE SEAAAAN!” From atop her chair. On an island. On TV. Just as those words were meant to be said. God, those words just seem to be a wee bit premature.

It’s finally here, y’all: time for the Reign of Tierra’s first one-on-one date. Sean’s “got a lot of questions for her” as well he should. Remember on Emily’s season when so many of the dates just consisted of two people wandering around a strange city and shopping? This is as boring as that only worse because Tierra is here and she’s complaining all the way and demanding fig body lotion to which Sean says “I bet you like soaps and body lotions, huh?” which OH MY GOD. GREAT BANTER. GOOD FIRST DATE TALKING POINTS, YOU MIMBO.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some wine or something, but I’m just really caps-y and really giggly at how horrendous this whole this is. She is bedecked is stupid tourist trinkets that Sean (ABC) bought for her. “It means a lot” she nods to camera. No, it doesn’t.

Then there’s an impromptu parade with some locals festooned in traditional garb. Sean and Tierra dance in the street and look happy. I wish the feathered locals would carry Tierra off into the jungle and never return.

Simple Sean is incredibly confused as to how he could enjoy spending time with someone like Tierra so much, and still know all the things he knows about how everyone on planet Earth hates her. They sit down with some snow-cones to discuss just that. Tierra immediately lies her pretty little face off, then tells the cameras she will be incredibly pissed if she finds out some girl threw her under the bus.

They move onto dinner, and Tierra jumps right into setting the vibe right from earlier when she could tell Sean was turned off. “I did feel like there was a little distant from you and I don’t know what it was caused from,” Tierra tells a stone faced Sean. She is a sculptor of words. Sean admits that his distance is due to the drama with all the other girls.

Moments later, on a moonlit dock, Tierra seizes the moment to tell Sean how much she cares for him, and feels for him, then smiles showing all her teeth which is a sign of aggression in monkeys, then kisses him, then pulls him into a hug to whisper “I’m falling in love with you” and I google information about filing restraining orders on other people’s behalf. They smush face kiss a lot. He doesn’t seem into it a lot.

This next part. I can’t even. At 4:42 am Sean creeps into the girls’ room with a flashlight and a camera because he knows how much girls hate being seen without makeup, but he really wanted to see that, so he just stole their pictures upon first waking up. That is such a brilliantly horrible idea. I want to know which producer thought that up, sold it to Sean, and then actually helped carry that out. So I can punch that person.

Despite getting off to a rocky and in perhaps criminal start, this date actually sounds pretty awesome. They got up so early to race to the top of a hill to watch the sun rise from the Eastern most point in the United States, and through the day they’ll be traveling across the whole island to then watch the sun set. This is actually a love idea and fun a group activity.

The first stop on the Virgin Island road trip journey to love is a sugar mill and I’m pretty sure that’s where Sean and Tierra had their date last night so…less exciting. Then they go feed a random donkey! Then they go to a magical place called “Café” where they drink tropical drinks. Then they go to a tree house in the jungle where Dez monopolizes Sean’s time being adorable, and Lindsay and Catherine are sad about it.

They make it to the beach where they’ll watch the sunset and every girl freaks out about the rose because it means he’ll meet her family. I kind of care, but Sean is getting tan and freckly and better looking and I want to look at him more than at Lindsay cooing.

Obligatory Bachelor shot of a wild bird! They did it! Mark the calendar everybody. The wild bird shot has been completed episode 7.

Sean and Lindsay have a good beach talk about how even though she was insane and wore a wedding dress on the first night, they really like each other. While avoiding eye contact the whole time, Catherine tells Sean that if he comes home he won’t meet her dad because when she was 14 he tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters. Like, Catherine! That is relevant to your love life! That is relevant to shaping who you are as a person not a tree falling in Brooklyn! Anyways, her vulnerability and honesty make Sean like her even more. They are bunnies.

Cut to Lesley and AshLee talking sh*t about Tierra on the veranda, but Tierra can hear the whole thing! AshLee doesn’t think Tierra has the nerve to confront her, but boy is she in for a surprise.

Dez continues to be adorable by crying about how much she loves her family and wants Sean to meet them. I don’t hate her at all for this. Based on what she’s said about her upbringing, her family sounds like they are full of love and made it through hard times. Yay, Dez.

So after two heartfelt talks and one play-date, Sean gives the rose to his infant friend Lindsay. I bet she really hates having that zit right about now. The other two girls are visibly bummed out. Don’t worry girls. I think he really likes you both.

So now it’s time for Lesley’s one-on-one. Sean doesn’t want to get caught up in the glamour of a fancy Bachelor date, so he wants to take her somewhere beautiful and just talk. This does not bode well for Lesley maybe. They have a chill date wandering a ruined rum factory that has fruit trees growing all over. Intensely beautiful.

They sit down for lunch and talk about what meeting her family would be like. Lesley decides not to tell Sean she’s falling in love with him. She is so smart and lovely, but Sean is worried that she’s tense and not confident in their relationship. Even though they kiss a little, Sean thinks their relationship just moves a little slower than the others.

Due to the weight of the decisions he’ll be making this week, Sean’s sister Shay comes to town to give a little sisterly advice. This is good! Nothing like someone who cares about you to come in and level with you about the bat-shit crazy girl you’re keeping close company with.

Shay is direct and honest and I like her. She wastes no time asking tough questions like do you want to marry any of them? Have any of them told you they love you? Is there that totally sucks that is drawing you in? Shay then says the family’s worst fear would be for that last thing to happen. That the terrible girl is the one he ends up with and then he ends up getting hurt.

Tierra and AshLee throw down time! They start off seated on opposite couches, very calmly discussing their dates. Tierra tells her he was distant and knows it was AshLee who said something to him.

Oh my god this is amazing. They are overlaying AshLee and Tierra’s fight with Sean and Shay talking about how Tierra has been the name that all the other girls bring up as a bad person with bad intentions.

AshLee holds her own and manages to keep somewhat calm as she rips Tierra to shreds. Tierra FLIES off the handle and keeps brinigng up AshLee’s age into the argument. AshLee just says Tierra’s character is bad, and that’s just true. She doesn’t say “you’re a bitch”, she says she has bad character. Which I respect and like.

Shay reminds Sean that her only piece of advice going into this was “don’t end up with the girl that nobody likes.” BOOM. THIS IS SO GOOD.

The argument has moved to the budoir where Lesley and Catherine are laying on the bed intently listening to every word.

Here are just direct quote highlights from Tierra:

“Raised eyebrow?! AshLee that’s my face! I have had no botox, no nothing, so I can’t help that.”

“They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Tierra you have a sparkle! Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.’” AHHHHHHHHH;LAJDFJASKLJFOWUEROADS;LFJSPARKLEAKLSJDOIEWORUAOSJDF;LAJSDFJAWIOERJAJDF;LASJDFI;AJSPARKLEEEEE

“I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!”

Ok so now Sean thinks he should go grab Tierra and maybe Shay will see something he doesn’t see. This is perfect. This is too good.

Sean arrives to find all the girls sitting in their living room silently, and goes to look for Tierra. When he finds her she is crying with her head down, so he says her name to get her attention and she FLIPS her head and ponytail up like a jack-in-the-box. I cackled so hard, y’all.

Sean is all “wtf?” with why she’s acting like this. He’s like “let’s go meet someone” and she’s like “I’m so sensitive and special. This is so hard for me.” As she sits there crying and using words like “sabotage” we see the realization hit him like a semi-truck. Shay doesn’t need to meet her anymore because he all of the sudden totally gets it. This is a crazy person, and most importantly, not the crazy person who deserves his love!

She cries some more, and Sean tells her to sit tight and walks away. “This is turning into a nightmare,” he tells us. He is thinking as hard as his little brain will let him think about all this.

He comes back in and says tells her how he wanted her to meet his sister, so she obviously starts sobbing and clings to him with all her tiny strength. He then says that because he cares so much about her, he thinks it would be best if she goes home now. Yes, Sean. Yes, Sean. Yes, yes, Sean. Positive decision making skills under fire!

He walks her down the resort path of doom and asks, “are you gonna be ok?” to which she crinkles up her face like a troll and says “No. I’m not.” Yes you are, dummy. Everyone ends up ok. As soon as he slams the van door shut she sobs out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Oh sweetie, you did this all to yourself.

As the rose ceremony begins, none of the women have any idea what has happened to Tierra or what is going on. They speculate wildly, not knowing he’s completed their dreams. Sean tells them what happened and then clarified that he did not like drama and stared AshLee in the face. She freaks the eff out. He decides to go straight into the rose ceremony with no talking beforehand.

With Lindsay already safe, there are only three roses to go out for the hometown dates. He calls Dez first. Then Catherine gets her rose. We have the front runners. Now it’s last rose time. Down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee. In the moment we cut to Lesley, she looks sad and young. She has years ahead of her. She’ll be fine.

Weirdly, Catherine is really upset because she doesn’t understand why he’d send Lesley home when they have so much in common. I don’t know, Catherine. Don’t question it too hard?

THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE. I am done. I’m gonna go eat food and watch some scripted TV. I’ll be back on regular schedule next week, until then, keep journeying, journeyers.