Looking Forward To Your Bachelorette Recap, That Drinking Game Was Fabulous And I'm So Excited About

Henley Monday - 

I feel genuine excitement in sharing this photograph with you all today. It was a rare find, and I was thrilled, I tell you, THRILLED upon its discovery. I mean, can you even stand it?

It's Teeny-Tiny, Baby,  Boo-boo Colin Firth looking all concerned and pensieve. The short sleeved henley of course gives him that casual unkempt look that shows his depth of character but also THAT HAIR. THAT FLOPPY PUFFY HAIR.

I swoon anew each time I behold it. Oh Colin, the standards you've set are impossible.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

Do you guys think that when humans look back on our civilization hundreds of years from  now they'll find dozens of recaps about a show that purported be all about true love but was really about exploitation and the lengths people will go to for fame and ultimately feel really ashamed of our indulgence? No? Me either. SO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BACHELORETTE!

The world traveling kicks off this week with everyone heading to Atlantic City. Let me tell you, their feigned excitement over visiting such an exotic locale is through the roof! They try really hard to make Atlantic City not look like the dated, bizarre hell-hole that it is, but a roller coaster on a rainy boardwalk can only entice one’s desire to travel to Atlantic City so much.

 “MAN THIS PLACE IS AWESOME. IT’S BASICALLY LIKE LAS VEGAS ON THE OCEAN,” Kasey yells.

The first one-on-one date is going to Brad, the one with the kid and an addict ex-wife. This will be interesting because we haven’t seen much of him other than when he told her that sordid bit of his past.

As James and Mikey voice over how they think Brad is a nice guy but maybe too quiet for Des, the couple have a blast going on all the rides on the boardwalk. Brad does seem a little quiet, but maybe that’s what Desiree needs. I don’t know; I’m not her.

She and Brad get to tour a candy factory without hairnets or any other sanitary gear. After visiting the taffy room, Des whispers that she smells chocolate. “Where’s the chocolate?” she urgently whispers again. Well, they find it! It’s like a sterile and un-beautiful Willy Wonka! They just dive right in and grab chocolate covered pretzels off the conveyor belt. I’m concerned about the health standards at this factory.

High from their glassed-in prison, Bryden and Zak W. (and Ben but I hate him) spy on what they think are Desiree and Brad on the boardwalk.

“This is a disaster,” Zak sighs, exasperated, “Especially on a carousel! Things always happen on a carousel.” Do they, Zak W.? What kinds of things always happen on carousels? On the Bachelorette Emily and Arie made out once, and one time there was a haunted carousel in the feature length made-for-tv “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” movie, but those are the only two things I can think of that have happened on carousels.

Regardless, Zak W. is upset and becoming a little obsessively psycho about Brad on this date.

Wow. Check out the sick ass sandcastle of love they get to lounge in. It’s pretty impressive and probably super cold. They have a pleasant but vague exchange.

God I feel like the dates this season have six bajillion parts. They have their dinner at yet another location, this time a lighthouse. Desiree is unsure if at this point Brad’s good qualities are translating into a connection. I’m unsure at this point if Brad likes girls.

Between many awkward pauses filled by drinking wine, the conversation is strained. It’s uncomfortable to watch them be so uncomfortable. Even after climbing to the top of an historic lighthouse that should be a romantic lookout point, the two have nothing to say to each other. Ok, Des, please, cut the cord.

She does. Des cuts the cord. AT THE TOP OF THE LIGHTHOUSE. They are trapped up there together. Brad is getting dumped in a room from which his only escape is a tiny, tiny door in the floor. Poor guy. He is a sweet accountant who will make another woman very happy.

Group date time, y’all! Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W, Mikey, Ben, Michael, and Chris will be trying become Desiree’s “Mr. Right.” Brooks describes Des as a unicorn. Drew is still super duper cute.

Everyone gathers in the gymnasium of Boardwalk Hall to meet with Chrarrison and the current Miss America, who hails from New Jersey. Boardwalk Hall is where the first Miss America pageant took place 90 years ago, so for the date these boys will be competing in their very own all male revue in a Mr. America pageant! I love this. I love when they are forced into frivolity and peacocking.

Guys. Guys. Guess what Michael G. says. You’re never going to guess. It’s better than anything I could make up that he says in reaction to this date. He says, “As a young kid, I often dreamed of becoming Mr. America, and now I have the opportunity to make those dreams a reality. And that’s all you could ask for out of life.” WOW! HE DEFINITELY LIKES GIRLS NOT BOYS!

World famous pageant coach (I’m not sure those words can technically be used together truthfully) Christopher Dean sashays onto the scene to also help the guys prepare for the pageant. This show is such a gift to me and my life.

The first task to take care of is choosing a talent for everyone, AND JUAN PABLO GOES STRAIGHT FOR THE BATON AND STARTS TWIRLING AND TOSSING IT. LIKE, JP IS REALLY GOOD AT BATON TWIRLING. ¡DIOS MIO!

More and more antics ensue. Drew accurately describes the proceedings as a “hodge-podge of tomfoolery.” Bless, Drew. Bless. Additional blessings unto Drew for deciding that he will recite Romeo’s famous monologue from “Romeo and Juliet.”

As a final twist, Mr. Dean reveals that there will also be a swimsuit competition. The guys have preassigned swimsuits; some are trunks, some are speedos. When asked how Juan Pablo feels about his speedo he replies, “I FEEL GREAT!” I can’t handle my amor for this total goon.

The audience is assembled, the stage is set, Chrarrison is in his best hosting suit, and it’s time to get this dog and pony show on the road. Miss America Valerie Hagan, Mayor Lorenzo Langford, and Desiree shall be the judges presiding over this most presitigous affair.

Kasey is first up in the interview portion. His question is “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Boring! So is his response! Most of the questions are weird like “would you be water or fire?” or “what animal would you be and why?” These are the kinds of questions my friends and I ask each other on road trips, fun, but not the kind of thing I care to know about Zak W.

Chris is starting to shine very brightly here. He stumbles through his response but is charming and adorable the whole time. He also would not part with his strappy pink high heels earlier while practicing.

Um, Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter? So. Yeah. Way to be upfront with me about that JP. Like, I’m going to forgive you but I need you to not disclose such important details to me during a mock beauty pageant.

Mikey tries to say that women just see men as bodies and can’t see that they are real people. Yeah, Mikey, I’d say WOMEN are definitely the worst perpetrators of the objectification of the opposite gender. You MEN really have to struggle with being seen as a piece of meat.

TALENT SHOW TIIIIIIIIIIME! Kasey comes out in red pants to tell a terrible story and do some equally terrible tap dancing.

Mikey, who recently berated women for objectifying him, does a strip tease. He takes off his clothes for his talent. His abs are his talent. ABS AREN’T A TALENT, MIKEY.

Brooks hurts my ears with a made up song on a ukulele that he cannot play.

Ben ribbon dances without a shirt; Drew reads that monologue from a script and I silently deduct points for not memorizing; darling Chris does some hula hoop tricks in the aforementioned pink high heels; Bryden regales us with another strip tease.

And then, a funny thing happens. Zak W. sings pretty well and plays guitar to a nice, simple song he wrote. Is he Bob Dylan? No. Was it sweet? Yes. Does he still have crazy eyes? YES.

Then we watch a handful of the guys prance around in swimsuits. Mikey does that creepy peck flex thing that male strippers do. I do not get to see Juan Pablo in a speedo. I am greatly upset by this. But Drew is surprisingly cut.

After much (minimal) deliberation, the results are in! Brooks is our second-runner up, followed by Zak W. And the winner of the whole crown is…Kasey? I guess. Seems pretty arbitrary. He gets a giant dopey crown, flowers, and a sash.

After the pomp of the pageant, Desiree plans a pool party for her posse! So much chill fun. Chris snags her away first to show her his more serious, not high heel wearing side.

Oh my gosh. He writes poetry. Don’t make fun of him guys. He went through some tough times with baseball, so he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. If he wasn’t so cute I would murder him for this confession, but he is precious. Des is super into it too, for she does the same thing!

HE READS ONE. HE READS ONE ABOUT THE DATE ON TOP OF THE HOTEL. IT ALL RHYMES. OH. MY. GOD. HIS POEMS ALL RHYME!!!!

Back at the other pool, Bryden hates Ben a whole awful lot. His hatred is so fierce that it makes me like Bryden more. Ben decides to have his one-on-one time with Desiree right in front of all the guys which sends them up the walls.

Des is completely taken by him though. She totally digs the fact that he wears a necklace with his son’s thumbprint. I mean, look, wear a necklace with your son’s thumbprint but don’t try and play it like you “tried to show it to her during your talent” when your talent was RIBBON DANCING.

Zak W. uses his time to play the rest of his song based on his experience on the Bachelorette. I want to hate it, but it’s actually not terrible. He just really wants a rose. He gets the rose!

Chris is bummed that he didn’t get it, but he’ll be fine. He’s too cute to send home yet. Bryden didn’t get any one-on-one time with Des, which is weird for him and me. That’s unusual.

Has anyone heard more than two words from Zak K? Who is that guy? He’s a beefy book publisher. That’s all I got.

James is excited for his date. His bags are packed, but his hair is gelled in hopes that he’ll earn a rose. They are going on a helicopter ride, but this isn’t your typical Bachlorette helicopter ride. They are going to tour some of the devastation of Hurricane Sandy along the Jersey Shore. That should be a fun and sexy time for them, yes?

The destruction is intense. It’s real people’s lives that have been affected here, so I can’t make light of that.

What I can make light of is that as they’re touring Seaside Heights from the ground, they walk past the actual “Jersey Shore” house. I would know that shack of doom anywhere, and that is the real deal.

The Red Cross guide takes James and Des to meet a real couple in the process of rebuilding. They’re in their sixties and true New Jerseyians. The woman is so excited to meet Desiree from the tv! They are just lovely, and their story really affects Des and James.

We find out that Manny and Jan had to spend their wedding anniversary in a Red Cross shelter right after the worst of the storm. With that in mind, Des and James “decide” (are coerced by producers) to give their fancy date to this sweet couple so they can properly celebrate their marriage.

Instead of dinner in a gaudy Atlantic City ballroom, Des and James grab some food at a dive bar. That food is probably terrific, and I would prefer that as a date anyways.

James tells Desiree that he cheated on a girlfriend he dated for five years during his freshmen year of college. I appreciate that he’s being honest; I would want to know that. But at the same time, that was almost ten years ago for this guy, and what person didn’t make beyond stupid, awful, dumb-dumb decisions their freshmen year of college? I’m not forgiving what he did, but I’m saying it probably doesn’t mean he’ll be a bad person now. Turns out Desiree agrees with me.

Back in Atlantic City, Manny and Jan are presented with their wedding photo album that was ruined in the flooding. They have a letter from a volunteer saying they helped to restore the photos in that album. They’re crying looking at it. I’m crying looking at them. It’s a very nice gesture! True love is real!

Here’s a link to the American Red Cross website. I give $20 a month, and I really don’t make much. But every time something like Hurricane Sandy, the Boston Marathon bombings, and any other disaster happens, I’m glad to know I can help people like Manny and Jan. Also it’s tax deductible if that’s a thing that means something to you.

And then there’s a private concert for James, Des, Manny, and Jan from Darius Rucker. If it was Hootie and the Blowfish I might get excited but it’s not so I’m not.  Oh yeah and James gets the rose.

Going into the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Bryden is feeling uncertain. He’s not sure his feelings for Desiree are where they should be, nor hers for him. He even tells the guys he’s not sure if he would accept a rose if he was offered one.

In order to stake his claim for a rose, Michael has designed a grand gesture. He writes out D-E-S-I-R-E-E and with each letter tells her a reason why he likes her. It’s an acrostic poem of love. Kill me. They share a lukewarm kiss.

Bryden has his talk with Desiree. She tries to reassure him and give him the confidence that she does want him there. Bryden is still doubtful and hasn’t made a decision. I respect him for being honest, though, that he isn’t necessarily head over heels for a girl he’s been on one real date with.

Tonight, there is only one guy who won’t be receiving a rose. But who knows what Bryden will do. What’s to become of this?! Here goes nothing. She calls out Chris, Brooks, Juan Pablito, Drew, Michael, Ben, Kasey, and then she calls out Bryden and he accepts. And the final rose goes to Mikey. Zak K. our stoic but beefy book publisher is going home.

He’s actually really eloquent and seems perfectly nice. What the hell, producers? Why didn’t you even show him more? Whatever, she’s got enough guys to deal with as they travel onward to Munich. It looks like some of the building tension will boil over in Deutschland, and I cannot wait. Auf wiedersehen, my friends!

The Bachelor - Episode 3 Recap

Can you believe we’re only three weeks into Juan Pablo’s journey to love? I can’t. I also can’t believe the recent little homophobic comments he made and subsequently blamed on translation problems. I don’t know man, you can say “Holy moly macaroni” but you’ll chalk the other stuff up to confusion? No te creo, JP, no te creo. In any case, backwards mindsets aside, lets dive in, shall we?

After the tough time she had at the rose ceremony the night before, Cassandra gets the first one-on-Juan date, hand delivered to her by Chrarrison in world’s ugliest color-block shirt. She’s so surprised and elated while the rest of us are like “duh”. Do you think Juan Pablo knows she’s twenty-one or is his judgment clouded by his penis’ reaction to her?

Before the date we get to see Juan Pablo doing some extraordinarily mediocre parenting with Camila and his mom and dad in a park. Camila is being a little brat and does not want to eat chicken. Juan Pablo physically wrangles her into eating it. Then he sends her away and Cassandra arrives.

They hop into a brightly colored jeep that looks like one of the Jurassic Park cars only without a top. As they drive along the water in Long Beach, Cassandra tells us that she hasn’t been on a first date since she was 18 years-old which checks out because she had a kid at 19 and is now 21. But it’s not like it’s some huge, revelatory moment like if she was 30 and hadn’t been on a date in twelve years. She’s a college junior! That is how old she is! Remember yourself as a college junior?!

“Cassandra just loves the water, so I definitely have to give her what she wants,” Juan tells us. Like, ew, man. Gross, dude. Harshing my jam, bro. Please don’t ever say “I have to give her what she wants” as it pertains to water sport or really ever. As Cassandra wildly speculates on what they’ll be doing (Paddleboarding? Canoeing? Yachting? Shut up?), JP pounds the gas and drives straight into the canal. It’s a duck-boat!

“I thought it was a car, but now I’m just thinking this is like from the movies right now,” explains Cassandra who has no idea of what constitutes a car vs. a boat vs. both. Then a saccharine pop song that sounds like it could be on the Princess Diaries 2 soundtrack plays over them jetting around on the water, having a blast.

Meanwhile, back at the mansions, Renee is once again having an intimate chat with one of the other women. Elise is telling her about how her mom wrote a letter to submit Elise to the Bachelor but got so sick that she wasn’t able to send it in. She feels like it was destiny that she found the letter to submit herself for the Bachelor, and that her mom made it all happen.

Before realizing that she’s died though, Renee asks if Elise’s mom is ok now. Elise’s response: “No, she passed away babe.” SHE PASSED AWAY, BABE. She passed away, babe. What is wrong with me, or really the people on this show that they keep making me laugh with the way they explain how their parents have died? First Clare with “there was something wrong with his brain and that something was brain cancer” and now “she passed away, babe”????? Who’s next? Who else would like to tell me “My dog loved to run. He loved to run so much he ran into the street and a car RAN him over”??

Back to the date, the duck-boat-car does pull up to a big yacht where Cassandra and JP have a nice time relaxing and swimming and making out in the water a little. She, of course, says she’s going to just “jump in” with Juan Pablo over a clip of them jumping into the water. Classic.

This date has a third act taking place at Juan Pablo’s bachelor pad where they will cook dinner together and dance in the kitchen. Cassandra has now said “this is my first date in three years” or “first date since I was 18” about six times. I’m not exaggerating. YOU ARE TOO YOUNG FOR THAT TO BE A BIG DEAL. UGGGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS SHE SAID IT AGAIN!

They finish off the date eating chocolate bon-bons by an outdoor fire. Before he hands the rose out, I feel like he might not give it to her. The whole time everyone, even other girls, have been emphasizing to us that if he doesn’t feel there’s a future, he will send Cassandra home to her kid. But she gets the rose. Here are the things Juan Pablo likes about Cassandra: she’s beautiful, she’s funny, she dances. Cool list, bro.

Kelly, Renee, Sharleen, Danielle, Alli, Lauren, Andi, Christy, Lucy and Nikki are going on a group date that says “Let’s kick it!” They are obviously playing soccer. Elise is really hoping she gets the one-on-one though, especially because she thinks of Chelsie as a child.

The date is of course, soccer themed, and they are playing some fútbol at the LA Galaxy stadium. Some of the girls, like Alli, are super excited to play alongside JuanPa, and some of the girls, like Kelly, are feeling a little unathletic and nonplussed. I’m with you, Kell.

They practice warm ups and training exercises, and I’m like, ugh, no thanks. I graduated high school solely to be done with gym class. After practice, the girls split into the fabled Red and Blue teams to battle each other. They come out looking intense but have written Juan Pablo’s nae all over their bodies. Ladies, you are all better than writing the same guys name on your bodies.

Even with a game going on, they are not doing the “losing team goes home, winner continues on the date” thing which is such a breath of fresh air. The game gets intense and poor Sharleen is getting hit over and over again in the face, stomach, face, arm, face again! Poor Sharleen. Even JP manages to knock her down.

After the game that it looks like most of the girls actually enjoy, they go change for the dinner portion. They stay at the stadium, so everyone is pulling him aside to different parts of the stadium. Nikki has a great chat, but she’s disappointed and worried that they don’t kiss.

Andi and Juan jump into the concession stand to hang out. They mostly kiss and don’t talk as much. Danielle shares that she was adopted, Lucy and he chat, Christy is there doing something I guess but they have not showed her one single time. I forgot she was there.

Then Sharleen and he set up a little blanket on the field in plain view of all the other lionesses. They both say that the time they share feels “organic”, and honestly I have to agree. She isn’t as Miss America as the other women when they talk, and he is so obviously smitten with her.

Then he moves in to kiss her.

Sharleen retracts her neck and extends her tongue into the kiss. Am I painting enough of the awkward picture? Even when she goes in for the second one, she sticks her tongue into his mouth first and then finishes off with her lips and other face parts. What is this? My roommate did an impression of it, and I have to say it looks a lot like my famous iguana impression that I do while eating lettuce. Sharleen kisses like an iguana eating lettuce. It’s gross.

Even after that very intimate and beautiful moment, Nikki gets the date rose because he likes himself a hot blond. Sharleen and Andi  are none too pleased.

Much to Elise’s shagrin, the one-on-Juan date goes to Chelsie. “I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants,” she quips. Whatever Elise, relax.

Chelsie is excited for her one-on-Juan date today. Elise is incredibly jealous and thinks Chelsie is like a child and doesn’t deserve to be a single-mom yet. Ok, Elise, put the claws away. The date card said “Do you trust me?” which is a bad sign in terms of signing a safety waiver. But first they just car dance to some fun music and then go to a Venezuelan restaurant. Chelsie is adorable. She reminds me face-wise of a girl I know and I think that’s why I’m in instantly fond of her.

Oh God. Oh no. Oh god oh no. They walk out to the middle of a bridge over a river, and of course Fear Factor Bachelor continues with a tandem bungee jump. Chelsie is freaked out but is doing ok until they get to the platform edge where they need to dive from. And then she has a panic attack. Because it’s TERRIFYING TO JUMP FROM A BRIDGE. Even if you’re a thrill seeker, you can’t denying that jumping from a bridge goes against every instinct that has been bred in us since we first started walking upright. This poor girl. I bet she’s contractually obligated to do it too, just like Andi and that nude photo shoot last week.

Juan Pablo comforts her like he would comfort Camila. He keeps insisting that she looks at him and then he says, “Just do it for me.” And now I’m a screaming rage-ball again. Just like posing nude for an unnamed and rather dubious DOG foundation, I don’t feel like this poor girl needs to bungee jump for a bridge to prove her ability to love and be a good partner. What the hell? What the hell? What the hell is this show? Juan Pablo is insane. I’m almost at my wits end

He does say that whatever she wants to do is ok and if she doesn’t want to do it, she doesn’t have to. I can hear how scared she is, and she sheds a few tears. I appreciate that she is very real in how scared she is to do this. And after saying “just do it for me” Juan Pablo does end up being actually helpful and less coercive.

I guess his calming platitudes work because they do it! They jump! And then they Spiderman kiss hanging upside down! Then both of them use it as a metaphor for love! It IS like jumping off a bridge together!!!!

Oh Chelsie. You are cute as a button and do seem to be quite young, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be sticking around for at least a few of the stops on the upcoming international tour. Oh, oh ok there is still the dinner portion of this date to get through in downtown Pasadena. Oh I thought the date was over. Oh ok. Got it.

Chelsie tells us she’s the black sheep of her family for being a teacher in a family of doctors. The only thing Juan Pablo knows how to talk about is being a single dad though? Chelsie keeps trying to make him talk about himself and he’s like SOY PAPÁ. And then she gets the rose for cuteness and bravery.

Second private concert of the season on only the second week of one-on-Juan dates! Who’s this guy? Some country singer? He’s super hot. He’s wearing a henley. It’s Billy Currington. That’s fine. Billy Currington can stay.

The next day, the day of the cocktail party and rose ceremony, Juan Pablo sneaks into the house to cook traditional Venezuelan “arepas” for everyone. It’s like a deluxe breakfast burrito. Just then, Kelly walks through the kitchen to walk Molly and runs away as quickly as she can to fix her face and put on a bra. One by one, the ladies come downstairs to join JP in the kitchen and just have a chill ass morning. It’s so chill.

It continues to be, like, super chill when JP eschews the cocktail party in favor of a pool party. It’s fun to see which girls hurry to put on makeup and fix their hair along with putting on their bathing suits. But as the previews have shown us, the chill good time vibes are about to go away as tensions rise and everyone turns a shade of jealous green.

Kat immediately puts on the Big Breasted Blonde show for JP and the other girls do not take so kindly to her.

“Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for like 20 minutes,” Kelly deadpans in response to them doing chicken fights in the pool.  Kelly has become the absolute number one source of comedic commentary on this show. Who knew? The “Dog Lover” as a professional is astute with an acerbic sense of humor.

Sharleen is really affected by Kat putting on such a show when the cameras are around. When she talks to Juan Pablo about how she’s having a hard time with it, she ends up crying. I feel like its genuine. But then of course he moves in to comfort her, and of course they end up sucking face.  But lo! The other girls can see! And everyone is getting hot and bothered like a pack of hungry lionesses.

Clare especially is having a hard time. Such a hard time in fact that she behaves as Camila would and runs away from everyone else to lock herself in the bathroom. Everyone is throwing the words “process” and “journey” around like hot cakes. Oh WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT! SOMEONE IS IN NEED AND RENEE IS ONCE AGAIN THERE!

She’s such a great person who comforts and helps everyone with a listening ear that I’m beginning to think she’s a therapist the producers brought in as a ringer to help all these women. Outside the bathroom, the other women acknowledge that Clare is a “ticking time bomb” of high strung emotion. They agree with me that Clare is always at a 15 and needs to be at a solid 9 for her own happiness.

Of course the next thing they show is Juan Pablo calming Clare down from her 17.5 temper tantrum of not being able to handle “the process”. JP seems to really like her still, so at this point Clare is Clare’s worst enemy.

Rose ceremony time. Cassandra, Nikki, and Chelsie all have roses from their previous date. Who’s in at the ceremony: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alli, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

Wow. With Danielle whom we’ve heard practically nothing from, Juan Pablo sends home Christy the hot mess who never quite got her foundation figured out, and more importantly Lucy! Lucy who kind of grew on me after last episode. I think in the end he probably just realized she wasn’t really ready to be a mother, but Lucy will land on her feet. I have no doubt. Her “best friend Kate Upton” will surely be able to help her get back out there and find love.

Next week begins the international traveling and they are once again taking a tour of Asia. I believe South Korea is up first, and we’ll see how everyone’s nerves do with jet lag and culture shock! Until next time, I’ll be over on twitter @Chasspod and back in your hearts and homes next Wednesday. ¡Besos!

Henley Monday -

I'm not wasting any of your time with funny business today. I'm jumping right in because the man of the hour, the Man of Steel himself Henry Cavill, deserves it.

I spent some time looking for a picture of him in a henley and could barely look at certain pictures of him for too long because it made me uncomfortable, such is the level of his attractiveness. He is a perfect human specimen.

How is it possible for him to be a real person who has perfect eyes, jaw, mouth, teeth, body, hair EVERYTHING. HE IS LIKE A COMPUTER GENERATED PERFECT MAN. BUT HE'S ORGANIC. I CAN'T. I CANNOT WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT.

GOD HE'S SO HOT. LOOK AT THE FURROWED BROW. AA;LWEJROA!!!

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

Henley Monday -

Hey guys. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I ate an Italian beef/sausage combo dipped with sweet peppers today because it's my boyfriend Chicago's birthday. Happy 176th, babe! I'm also listening to Groove is in the Heart be Deee-Lite which if you haven't listened to in the last 10 years is highly enjoyable.

Overall life is going pretty grand for me and for our friend Jack Huston up there. He's wearing his simple henley with sleek wool trousers and a fetching overcoat. It's a beautiful blend of elegant and casual just like Jack's own background of English legacy and Hollywood royalty. Keep surprising us, Jack, old boy! Pip pip!

PS - It's also Casmir Pulaski day, so as a Polish Chicagoan I'm riding high.

The Bachelorette - Episode 4 Recap

     This week on the Bachelorette, the party is officially leaving Charlotte and heading to Bermuda (which I bet is geographically located in a very different place than where your brain thinks it is)! I was wary considering Emily insisted on being in Charlotte to be close to Ricki, but it looks like she’ll be tagging along for most of the adventures. We get some screen time with just the two of them, and Emily truly looks like a great mom with a great kid. You can tell Ricki is going to grow up to be just as pretty as her mother. Thanks genetics!

This week we’re getting a fully mixed bag of dates with a one-on-one, a group date, and the first of the dreaded two-on-ones where only one bachelor comes out alive.

Inexplicably and hilariously all of the bachelor’s pull up to their hotel on matching mopeds.

The one-on-one goes to…DOOGLAS! Oh Doog, you sweet baboon. Let’s see how many times you mention your “little one” on this outing. The burgeoning tropical storm outside affects the stormy mood indoors as the men egg on poor Doog because he is super nervous. Arie points out how “easy it is to push Doug’s buttons” and we watch the men poke a bear with a stick by saying “We think you’re just building it up in your head,” for two whole minutes.

Emily notices the tension in the room because she walks in just as Doog was about to step to Arie. The two lovebirds leave for the date, and Arie, charming as ever observes Doog’s resemblance to a certain comic book character. “Doug ANGRY! DOUG SMASH! Doug…sad,” he says in a Hulk voice.

For the date, Emily and Doog walk around downtown St. George and do some touristy shopping things. “I just like island towns a lot,” Doog observes. Emily likes this date because it’s what a “married couple would do on vacation”.

                       On the steps of a lovely church Doog tells Emily all about how lucky he was to have a great grandpa who raised him, and how he wants to be that kind of father figure to his son Austin. Emily is very impressed by his positive attitude but wants to know if he is ever not perfect. He admits being grouchy when Emily picked him up. as he had just “scolded all the boys”. Emily quips, “They had the fear of God in them. You did a good job.” And Doog takes this as a compliment which is not great because Doog is starting to ride pretty high on his horse.

Emily and Doogie write a postcard to Austin, in reply to his letter to Emily the first night. This is actually sweet and shows how much Emily is always thinking like a parent. Then they make a wish and walk through this Moon Gate arch thingy, per Bermudian tradition. Emily’s wish? “That I won’t be single forever,” which…oh my gosh, girl, I feel you, but you’re gonna be fine.

                 Back at the hotel suite we get the group date card announcement. “Let’s set sail on the sea of love” is the date for these lucky fellows: Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis, and Kalon. 

It’s now “dinner” time for Emily and Doogie Bowser. Emily feels like he’s hiding something from her in how he always gives her the perfect answers. She worries that this is too much like Brad and her worst nightmare is this ending up like her and Brad again. So the Maynard plan of action is to put him before a firing squad in order to torture the flaws out of him. She wants to know what an ex would say his faults are, and he says “Too much time with my son.” He also says he didn’t was his ex-girlfriend’s car enough. “What kind of girls are you dating?” posits Emily, and I have to agree, Huh?

            Emily rattles off that she’s sensitive, stubborn, doesn’t work out (what a terd), and sometimes wears her pajamas all day. Then she realizes she put him in a really tough spot. “I’m just a guy,” Doog states, “I’m not a genius, and I’m not a dummy. I’m not wealthy, but I’m not poor. I’m just Doug.” She thinks he just may be that perfect a person, and gives him the rose.

Doogie is floating on cloud 9 but per his grandpa’s advice, won’t kiss a girl until he sure they want him to, so he hasn’t kissed a girl in….months…eesh. He also doesn’t EVER make the first move…eesh. Then he speaks in the third person...EEESH! I’ve got one eye on you, Doog.

             It looks a little chilly as the group date men arrive at the Royal Bermuda Yacht Club. They get a quick sailing lesson that consists mostly of “Watch out for the boom.” The men will be split into two teams and compete for the real date-time with Emily. Ryan with his, ahem, “Something about Mary” hair, rrreeaally wants to win because the only joy he has ever had in his life is from winning (I assume).

We cut to the hotel to see the men still agonizing over the two-on-one, when there’s a knock at the door. They will “explore this Bermuda-love-triangle” with Nate and John “Wolf”. They are :(

Back on the water, we have Team Yellow (Arie, Jef, Kalon, and Ryan) and Team Red (Charlie, Sean, Travis, and Chris). The race kicks off and the dramatic music kicks in. The race is kind of strangely shot so we’re never quite sure what is happening in the race or who is ahead. Sometimes the boats are seriously really close together and listing really heavily and I’m really scared and nervous. But the yellow team prevails! Bittersweet because Arie and Jef are two of my fav’s, but Kalon and Ryan are two of the worst.

         Oh my gosh, baby goblin prince Jef hurt his fingers, but it doesn’t matter because faint heart never won fair lady, right y'all?

The red team is sad they lost. They are “disappointed.” In the car they’re moping, and Charlie might be crying. He might just be tired, but we can’t really tell. Did his brain injury affect his ability to regulate his emotions?

At the “after party” Ryan kicks off by toasting to a “beautiful trophy...possible wife”. Grade A Tool-baggery. Arie steals her away first because he likes her so much and missed her. They are adorable talking and catching up like a real couple. They kiss. These two have fantastic physical chemistry in addition to their “connection.”

               Now we have alone time with Jef, the “master of group dates”! He is always so calm and soft-spoken when talking to camera. The two of them get wrapped up in a blanket by a big beach bonfire. Jef says he really likes who Emily is in between saying “like” a million times. I hate when people do this, but I love Jef so I’m chalking it up to nerves. She kisses his boo-boo finger!!!  And then we get a huge empty moment where there should have been a kiss, and Emily is sad there wasn’t one. She says it’s still fun to wait and anticipate that first great kiss. Smart, smart lady, this one.

Ryan is “being very intentional with what he’s doing” and is being a huge ass by testing Emily. Instead of the run-down of the conversation, here’s just a list of all the aphorisms uttered by Ryan during this segment:

-The enemy of great is good and just being “good” is not enough.

-I’m not here to impress you, but to make an impression upon you.

-If ya ain’t cheatin’, ya ain’t trying.

-Me and you would have some pretty children.

-God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.

-Being flirtatious is a good thing. If you cain’t flirt, what can you do?

-To whom much is given, much is required.

                       Emily sees through all of his BS and doesn’t like the feeling that Ryan is judging her. Preach, lady-sister!

Date rose goes to our pompadour-ed babe Jef! Much to his shock and precious surprise! He feels he’s beginning to fall for her. Fireworks over the bay and everything is lovely, for now...

Y’all, ready for the two-on-one?! The two men going have had barely any screen time yet and this is clearly a fat trimming move. I have to be honest that every time John “Wolf” speaks to camera, I get totally distracted by his job title - “Data destruction specialist”. What is that?! What kind of data does he destroy? Does this mean he has maximum security clearance? Does this mean he’s rich? Does this mean he’s just the copy-room guy in charge of the shredder? What?!

                   In the prison-like hotel suite, the other dudes get into an argument with Chris about age.  Chris gets really heated up that it doesn’t matter, and all the other guys are like “No, there’s a world of difference between 25 and 30.” What was just an average conversation got turned into a tiff thanks to Chris’ 25 year-old, dainty ego.

This two-on-one is so awkward it hurts me. They are on a boat, do some cliff jumping, then go on an amazing trip into cave for their dinner. It’s…painful. Nate keeps saying “kwin-oh-ah” pointing to his plate. Dude, stop talking about fiber and pronouncing quinoa super wrong.

             Emily hates her life in this moment. Nate cries about how great his family and friends are. Emily uses the word “innocent” to describe him and in that moment we know the axe has fallen on poor Nate. It is indeed the end of the road for Nate who makes a very graceful exit. JohnWolf gets the rose. He’s growing on me, but still not super special or stand-out.

           The cocktail party started with forty minutes left in the show, and Emily is in a slamming white jumpsuit. She is one of three people on Earth able to pull this look off. We talk with Alejandro first who is nervous because he hasn’t had hardly any time with Emily this week or at all and HOLY CRAP, YOU GUYS! JEF IS WEARING BERMUDA SHORTS! I SEE WHAT HE DID THERE! He’s also wearing sky-blue KNEE SOCKS!!! I LOVE HIM. KNEE SOCKS AND BERMUDA SHORTS IN BERMUDA 4EVA!

            Ryan is once again talking to Emily and laying it on thick, just...slathering it on. He is so condescending towards her.

Arie and Emily make out some more after telling each other how much they like each other. The two of them truly do have the best connection in the group.

Again, Ryan is such a huge butt-hole that I’m just going to directly transcribe what he said: “I like what I see in her; I see that there’s great potential. But then again, to be very honest with you, I feel like I’m called to something greater…When this whole thing is done, if it doesn’t work out for me, I’ll get involved with the media back home and say ‘Let’s do Bachelor-Ryan…Bachelor-Augusta… If I was the Bachelor, I would be ready to open my heart up, and it would be neat for everybody to see,” then smiles like a Cheshire cat. HE IS A FART BUCKET.

Emily and Sean -28 do have a strong connection considering how little time they’ve spent together. They have a natural ease to their conversation, good ebb and flow. They kiss and it’s nice, but there’s not the same heat as with Arie.

                 Chris rehashes the age thing with Emily again, and rather that really assure her, or me, that he’s mature and ready, it makes me feel like he’s insecure about it. He should be more insecure about the fact that he looks like Sam the Eagle, but instead he pulls Doogie Schnauzer aside to confront him. Doog completely has the upper hand in the argument as he keeps his cool, which just riles Chris up even more. “I’m never, ever gonna stand down to you,” Chris says, and Doog just laughs.

When Chris Harrison walks in to break up the cocktail party, someone dorkily says, “Christopher!” and it killed me but we don’t know who did it! *Sigh* Emily and Christopher have a good talk. Chris Harrison is such a calming presence and great voice of reason.  The most important part of the conversation is Emily admitting her “sixth sense” suspicion of Ryan and how he thinks he’s pulling one over on her. Chris is reassuring about the process, and that Emily needs to, basically, toughen up about the rose ceremony process because it’s her and Ricki's lives at stake.

           Jef in the front of the line in his shorts and rose and jacket is cracking me up. He looks like a Von Trapp! Sean – 28 is called first, good for him. Both Ryan and Kalon are still around, I suspect at the behest of the producers. In the end it comes down to Michael, Alejandro, and sweet, sweet brain-injured Charlie. She picks Alejandro. Alejandro the mushroom farmer who is 24 and very cute but VERY young. What??? Charlie and Michael are both sad to go, and I’m sad to see them go. Both are such sweet, adorable dudes. Michael has never been in love before?!?!?!? Oh, SWEETHEART, you are precious to me! I just want to squeeze them both.

                     Next stop on the world tromp is London!!! It looks like a great episode because Jef has a one on one.  Most importantly there is some major drama! As what I swear to you is the music from Intervention plays, we find out that one man is cold-hearted and sees Ricki as “baggage.” Emily is furious and tells him to “Get the F*** out.” So who could it be? Villain from the start Kalon? Virtual unknown Travis? Or is it someone we already love like Sean? Only time will tell. Until then, keep on your “journey” fellow viewers.

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

Let's get this started, y'all! In the words of Montell Jordan - thiiis is hooow we dooo it.

The crew this week heads up to one of my top ten places I want to visit before I die: Lake Louise in the Canadian Rockies. Boy am I jealous of these crazies. Along with the promise of beautiful scenery, is the promise of Tierra having an extreme hypothermic episode in which all her mascara goes bye-bye.

Man do they love using the music from Intervention to score dramatic scenes in this show. I mean, they are definitely the same level of intensity so it makes sense.Sean is really excited because did you know? He loves the outdoors. He is an outdoorsy man.

The women are thrilled to be at their fancy hotel too, but concerned about Sean after he was so serious at the last rose ceremony. Lesley somberly says, “Honestly, you could tell it – on his face.” Now, to be fair, Lesley is one of the more intelligent girls there but help me out, girl.

Catherine, who is vegan but has managed to only mention it once, bless her, is going on the first one-on-one this week. She’s pretty adorable, and I kind of am hoping she becomes a front-runner. She beams at the camera, “I know today is just gonna be perfect,” and looks like a cuddly woodland creature.

Cut to her standing on the middle of an ice-field completely alone and presumably freezing her vegan ass off. She tells us she was “scared as hell” and then over the hill, appears a snow trekking vehicle from the Ice Planet Hoth. They play and giggle and have fun all their merry way in the snow bus, and then they play and giggle and have more funsicles up on a glacier! They are basically bunnies. They are bunnies.

They share some hot chocolate from a thermos (ROMANCE), and Catherine says she hasn’t had chocolate since she was “like, four”. Which is a HUGE missed opportunity to consume delicious beverages on her part. I also have to wonder if it’s Vegan, because even the powdered stuff have dehydrated dairy in it, no?

Sean tells us that Catherine has passed “the Blizzard Test” and then tries his hand at comedy one more time by saying, “Canada, eh?” to Catherine and boy does she giggle! They are discovering what comedy is together! Ha, ha, ha, oh, JOKES!

THEY GET IN A SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP to take them to the dinner portion of their date in an ICE CASTLE. BUT SURREY WITH THE FRINGE ON TOP. It’s very romantic and nice. Then Catherine tells a sob-story about how one time a tree fell on her best friend and killed her before her eyes when she was twelve. Now, look. This is terrible. This is indeed traumatic and probably formative, but relevant? Not sure. Important to your romance? Probably not? Whatever, Sean eats it all up and is googley eyed over her.

To let her know just how special she is, Sean gives her the rose like he’s given to all the other girls who are still here at least five times.

GROUP DATE. We have an exhilarating challenge that will follow a canoe trip across Lake Louise. Based on yesterday’s relay race, this will not be the easiest day. Also, once again, Sarah the girl with one arm is forced to do an activity best served by two hands and two arms. But, surprisingly, she does really well and aces it.

Lesley is in Sean’s boat and all the other girls are jealous that she volunteered to be in his boat when he asked.

When they reach the other side of the lake, Sean reveals that they will be completing a polar bear plunge! It’s a glacial lake, so the water is just above freezing. The girls are not obligated to complete this challenge, but Sean reminds them that YOLO. Then two Canadian life guards trot out to safety brief them. The girls look miserable. Selma is refusing. Tierra scowls. One lifeguard is ginger and looks like he has never seen other people before despite being a lifeguard. Maybe he’s a moose lifeguard, or bear lifeguard, or tree lifeguard because get it? There are no people in most of Canada.

Most girls are hesitant. Lindsay is thrilled. All we know is that it’s freezing but looks fun. I’ve done a polar bear plunge on New Years before and it is indeed exhilarating, but also painfully cold. That’s not really important. I just wanted to toss that out there.

With a selection of hikers watching, Selma prissily tells Sean no way will she do this. He half-heartedly encourages her to try it, but you can kinda tell he doesn’t care either way. Then Selma reminds us she is from Bagdad and doesn’t do cold, but she was also pissed that he brought an Iraqi to a desert so I guess there’s no winning with her.

The girls SCREECH into bikinis then SCREECH to the water’s edge, then SCREECH as they all take the final steps into the plunge and then, you guessed it, SCREECH as they run back to the tent to a flimsy little terry cloth robe. Somehow everyone’s makeup looks great. Then they SCRECH to camera about how great it felt, and how fun it was, and I’m like “YEAH, IT’S GREAT! I’M PROUD OF YOU TOO” and I realize I’ve been watching a lot of this show this week.

Then tragedy strikes. Tierra is gasping for air and hunched over and her makeup is dripping down her face like a monster. The ginger wildlifeguard has his time to shine as they wrap her in space blankets and race to a car to warm her little body. Faking it. She’s faking it.

Dez and Catherine see the emergency scene and are very concerned! They have no idea who it could be, and therefore don’t know it’s Tierra faking an illness once again. The medical team does very official work, and stabilize her. While they stabilize an already stabilized Tierra, she hunches and shakes like baby fetus Voldemort before Peter Pettigrew dumps him into his rebirth-soup.

And as she’s being wheeled into the lobby to get to the clinic, she squeaks out “I’ll miss time with him” in baby voice and then I die. I’m dead you guys. I’m a ghost. Tierra killed me. If you can manage baby voice, you are NOT EXPERIENCING HYPOTHERMIA.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group canoes back across the lake. Catherine and Dez rush to Tierra’s side to find out the actual f**k is going on. When asked, Tierra responds, “We had to jump in that glacier.” Yes. The glacier is a thing into which one can jump and then experience hypothermia, not Lake Louise the lake everyone’s been talking about non-stop for two days.

The producers of this show continue to be my best friends by cutting together scenes of the other girls arriving back at the suite to say how wonderful and fun the plunge was while Tierra gets her hair blowdried by a producer and then she’s in a robe with someone attending her feet while she shoves a cheeseburger in her psychotic mouth.

As she coyly hooks oxygen up to her face, Sean pops in to see how Tierra’s doing. She’s nothing but bashful and attention flirting. She says, “This guy better marry me!” as a funny joke to Sean and he somehow laughs instead of running for his life out of the room. “You keep managing to get one on one time with me,” he whispers. YEAH. Yeah. That’s accurate. He tells her she needs to sit out the dinner party that night, and yeah that’s really gonna work with that one.

The women seem to think the night will be daisies from here are excited for more time with the boyfriend they all share. Lesley and Sean make out. Sarah shows him pictures of her family, and he responds like anyone being forced to look at pictures of someone else’s family: with thinly veiled boredom.

Like clockwork, we see Tierra getting ready back at the hotel. She’s not having any fun. Baby Tierra needs to have fun and constant stimuli or she gets sour and fakes a disease. “I’m crazy cuz’ I’m wearin’ heels,” there’s that, and a whole bushel basket of other reasons you should be institutionalized, Tierra. But have fun at the party! Everyone super wants you there! Hope you get the rose!

She walks into a freshly silent room full of women who were talking about her seconds before. Then Lesley calls her a “Tierrorist” and I laugh! That’s a good one, Les! I really mean it, no sarcasm!

As he and Tierra talk, what I’m most struck by is that he not only likes this woman but can more than stand the sound of her voice. The sound of her voice makes me wish I was hanging out in Hades.

But look at that. Lesley gets the rose. Tierra’s look could kill. She obviously went to the party because she thought she had an automatic rose, but guess what, NOPE.

So the party ends, and the girls get back to the hotel, but then Sean walks in because he just “doesn’t see a forever” with one girl. It’s Sarah. He pulls her out. This is not good. This poor girl. Ooh, here we go.

Sarah does not see this coming. He lets her down gently, but she is sad, sad, sad. He says he feels he’s been trying to force a connection with her, and that he didn’t feel anything in the kiss they had tonight. Rude, but also honest, but also OH MY GOSH POOR SARAH! She’s totally done with the conversation.

He lets her go back to the room to pack her things, and as soon as he walks away she breaks down. It’s a rare moment on the show when we see raw, human emotion, and it’s hard to watch. She’s so sad because she feels like this has happened to her so often before. She’s wondering what’s wrong with her that guys always tell her she’s beautiful and amazing, but don’t want to be with her. GIRLFRIEND. Let’s hangout and eat ice-cream. You are the best. I’m sorry for having to go through real shit on TV.

Now it’s time to continue in Fear Factor Bachelor for Dez’s second one-on-one date! They take a nice long hike up a mountain, then Sean drops the bomb that they’ll be repelling to their picnic below! They trot out the MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME to safety prep them for repeling. The MOST CANADIAN MAN OF ALL TIME is very friendly and teaches them how not to die. Sean creates the metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

Dez manages to look adorable in her harness, and I’m pretty mad about it. No one looks cute in harness. Everyone looks terrible and bulgy in them. Except for Dez. She whimpers a lot of the way down, but Sean cheers her on with words and kisses, and they make it! Then Dez creates a metaphor for how repelling is just like a relationship.

They eat a picnic in a meadow and kiss grossly. Then they are candidly adorable and have a tree-climbing race. They race to climb up a tree and then kiss in the tree and it’s precious. Then they wreck it by shouting “Hello, Canada!” and man do these people love to shout about where they are.

Deep in the dark woods, the lovers happen upon a romantic teepee. Yes, that’s correct, a teepee. It’s pretty cute and probably offensive. They have a lovely conversation about how her childhood was tough because her family didn’t always have a home. She is a jewel of human. He gives her the rose for being the best.

Thank God we’re finally at the cocktail party. We’re almost there. Tierra is wearing a giant faux fur scarf over a flowy white dress. It’s weird. Selma decides she’s going to go against the wishes of her traditional and conservative family and kiss Sean. She sets it up very strange and leans in for a cold, fish-lipped, kiss that one might bestow upon an elderly aunt who insists you kiss her on the lips.

Sean and Lindsay make out a little.

Then AshLee decides to take control of giving up her control. Sean said he felt like she was struggling with trying to control everything, so she decides he will blindfold her and lead her around to symbolize her relinquishing control. This woman cries a lot. She has ghosts from her past, sure, but hold it together a little woman! It appears to all be worth it because he leads her to a bench and then kisses her face. It’s a little romantic, but it’s hard to get into a guy kissing a blindfolded girl.

In a real nail-biter of a rose ceremony, Sean sends home Daniella and Selma. Boy, I really hope Selma doesn’t regret compromising her morals for a bad kiss with a guy who wasn’t really even feeling her all that much. Also, good-bye sweet Daniella. You are as beautiful as you are dumb, may the publicity of this show bring you far in your broadcasting career.

Ok, kids. I’ve got a piece of strawberry cheesecake in the fridge with my name literally on it. I’m gonna eat that real quick, and dive right into the next recap! See you soon! XOXO

Henley Monday:

Did you think I forgot about you today, my babies? Did you think I thought you didn't need a studly hunk wearing fashion's greatest layering piece to get you from Monday night through til Tuesday?

NEVER. I would NEVER forget you. I might ALMOST forget you, but I would never actually forget.

Ryan Kwanten gets it. He understands a lot of things; namely, the way straight to our hearts and lady parts.

Henley Monday - 

I'm both hungover from alcohol from the whole weekend and from eating an insane amount of delicious food last night. So my witty commentary synapses are not firing at top speed.

Blake Griffin is super duper hot and tall and ginger and, true to his nickname, looks like a lion. A sexy, sexy, basketball playing, funny commercial making lion.

And he looks good in a henley. Thanks, Blake Griffin.