The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

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abc thailand the bachelor abc bachelor chris harrison sean lowe bachelor finale Catherine giudici bachelor finale recap Lindsey Yenter

The Bachelorette - Episode 2 Recap

Who's ready to get started with the first official group and one-on-one dates of the Season? The first of the episodes where men shall prove themselves as noble and true or vile and there for the wrong reasons.

We kick right off with the first of the one-on-one dates going to Brooks, who I must again insist reminds me SO much of this actor.

The boys hoot and holler at her turquoise Bentley as their jealousy is thoroughly piqued.

“It is crazy to think that this could be my first date with my future wife,” Brooks beams to camera. And I feel like that’s what any first date has the potential to be, so it’s not that crazy, Brooks.

But I guess it’s a good thing he has marriage on the brain because she takes him to a bridal boutique to go wedding dress shopping because that is a very normal and not at all terrifying horror first date for any guy.

He tries on a montage of ugly tuxes before they both land on a tux and dress combo that is very fetching. They look pretty cute together despite how deranged this whole set up is. Brooks has zero clue as to how to tie a bowtie, however.

“I really felt like we were newlyweds!” she tells us, “It’s not supposed to be serious; it’s supposed to be fun.” Yeah, ok.

The main portion of the date takes place on the Hollywood sign for its 90th anniversary. Brooks is pumped up about it. He feels like they are floating on clouds. And I have to admit, a picnic on the “L” of the Hollywood sign is an actually cool date and not just a tacky Bachelorette cool date. They make-out as the sun sets. On the second “L” of the Hollywood sign.

After they turn in their rental clothes, the two lovers get lost in a cutty part of Los Angeles in a Bentley convertible. Brooks is properly “sh*tting” himself. Methinks a plot is afoot!

UM. And then they stop on a bridge where a romantic table for two is set under some chandeliers, but it’s a SHAM. I feel CHEATED. And here’s why: this exact same date setup was used on the ill-fated Bachelor Pad. You can’t just reuse dates, Bachelor! Don’t think we don’t know!

Brooks and Des seem to really like each other. He’s growing on me. They talk about family and love and the divorce of Brooks’ parents. It’s very much a “Cats and the Cradle” story. He cries about his relationship with his father, and now I fully think he’s a great guy. And cute. And looks just like this actor Steve Howey.

What! There’s ANOTHER part to this date? It one Bachelorette cliché after another! It’s a private concert from Andy Grammer! So they do the obligatory awkward dancing to “Keep Your Head Up”. Desiree’s so effortlessly cute though, that she pulls it off. And then they have a very romantic slow dance to “I Choose You”. Des feels like the date was just as wonderful as Brooks does.

The men going on the group date are Dan, Juan Pablo, Zak K, Kasey, Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, and Ben. “Who’s here for the right reasons?” reads the date card in a rare self-aware moment for the show.

They all put on their best formal tees in either black or bold jewel-tones to meet Des at the Malibu Rocks Winery. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this. I can’t believe this is real. They are going to be starring in their very own rap video. The men are so jazzed about it. They are just as jazzed that Soulja Boy is the rapper du jour.

Soulja Boy. I’ll let that sink in for a second.

Here are the pearls of wisdom Soulja-Boy imparts to the gentlemen, “You know, I always thought that love was a little bit like hip-hop. You know, you gotta go with the flow.” So, feel free to take that to the bank.

The song is called “For the Right Reasons” which is hilarious. The producer who thought that up deserves a Peabody.

Brandon completely misses the message and says, “You know, she’s not messing around. This isn’t a joke to her, and I’m going to pass whatever test she has.” Chill out, Brandon.

After a free-style rap-off, Soulja Boy selects a few standouts and resigns the rest of the guys to backup dancers.

I hate that they have to take it seriously because this is completely a joke that the producers made for themselves. And they deserve a little comedic relief after watching this bananas show happen to them for years.

The men quickly realize that the song takes turns lightly roasting (toasting?) a few infamous former contestants from the show like Kasey Kahl, Jason Mesnick, that wrestler with anger management issues, etc.

They all go through their respective scenes awkwardly and uncomfortably. I’m embarrassed for them. It is all very hard to watch. Brandon doesn’t even have the luxury of wearing pants.

After an excruciating day of shooting, they wrap and continue onto the cocktail portion of the date.

Zak W. is the first guy to snag Desiree for the coveted alone time. To prove himself a worthwhile guy with more than just acceptable abs, he presents her with an antique journal that’s never been written in. It’s lovely and kind of thoughtful. Huh. He’s turning me around on him. But he still has crazy eyes.

Shockingly, Ben the guy who brought his four-year-old son to meet Des on the first night is kind of a tool. He’s very aggressive and annoying and tucks his sweater into his jeans. He keeps bringing his son back up too. This is unacceptable. Ben asks permission to kiss her. Then he does. I boo. Brandon almost cries.

If we did a drinking game with just the phrase “here for the right reasons” we would all be blackout drunk right now.

Mikey decides to “clear the air” between him and Ben after he swooped in on his alone time with Des. I respect Mikey for being diplomatic about this, but I honestly feel like we’re seeing the beginnings of Tierra 2.0. They do clear the air though and compliment each other’s shoes!

Brandon is still taking everything way too seriously. He has already called Desiree an angel. So he takes his time to tell her all about his tragic life story. He already promises to take care of Des and be a great dad. He has already “fallen in like” with her.

Much to everyone’s chagrin, Ben receives the date rose.

Going on the second one-on-one of the week is Bryden our faithful canine! He is joining Des on a romantic road trip up the California coast.

He is 80% more attractive when the wind whips his stupid front combed hair to the side. They get snacks and play on a beach and laugh and drive and play in an orange grove. In the orange grove, they have a picnic where Bryden doesn’t know what brie is. He is a simple man.

They end up in Ojai for dinner. The dramatic music plays as they pull up to…a hotel resort. A beautiful resort to be sure, but not, like, the splendor of nature dramatic music worthy.

Bryden makes Desiree laugh a lot, and you can tell they are clicking well. He thought ahead enough to bring pictures of the wreck and subsequent injuries from a terrible car crash he survived.

He gets the date rose easily. To celebrate, the two get in a candlelit hot tub! He wants to kiss her real bad and talks awkwardly to fill the silence before doing it. She finally says, “Just kiss me already!” Which is pretty cute and rom-commy of her. I’m not sold on this guy though. He is so simple I wonder if they could really sustain a lifetime of conversations.

All the men at the cocktail party are feeling tense and anxious to get a rose and continue on. Michael G. is nervous to tell her a secret about himself. It’s that he’s diabetic (AND ALSO PROBABLY HE LIKES GUYS). He’s telling her what he feels is a deep, dark secret when BEN walks in.

He steals her away, and everyone’s pissed that he already has a rose and is taking so much time from Des. He is a smooth-talking son of a gun, and I do not trust Ben as far as I could throw him. He’s also maybe one of the least attractive guys there, quickly becoming another average looking guy named Ben that I don’t much care for.

The other guys hate him too. Michael G. confronted him for being a jerk, backed up by his fellow Jets. The rest of the guys continue to gossip about how much he stinks and what a butthead that guy Ben sure is.

Rose Ceremony Time! Everyone without a rose is peeing their little pants!

Here’s the order in which Des calls the men:

James the Guido from Chicago

Kasey Hash Tag

Dan Oatmeal Man

JUAN PABLO MI AMOR (man does she butcher the Spanish she speaks to him)

Brad Who is a Guy

Chris Also a Guy (who are these men?)

Brian the Financial Advisor with a Wonky Eye

Zak W. Crazy Eyed Nudist

Drew Cheekbones Cutie Pie

Mikey The Grown-up Named Mikey

Zak K. the Publisher

Michael G. Trapped in the Closet

And the final rose goes to Brandon. He’s relieved but I am upset! She’s letting go of Will (surprised?) and Nick (who cares?) BUT SHE’S LETTING ROBERT GO! HE’S SO HOT AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME! HE LOOKS LIKE ERIC VON DETTEN! HE INVENTED THAT SIGN SPINNIGN THING! HE HAS A ONE-EYED DOG! A ONE-EYED DOG, PEOPLE! YOU HOLD ONTO THAT AND YOU DON’T LET THAT GO!

I will officially hold all future decisions she makes to an even higher level of scrutiny than usual. It looks like that’s going to be necessary considering how much she seems to like Ben.

Well that’s that. No more beautiful and cute Robert to look forward to. I guess we’ll just have to rely on each other to get through this one, eh? Hang out with me the rest of the week on twitter @Chasspod, and check in next Wednesday for the requisite dose of dates and drama.

Oh, and in case you hate yourself and want to behold this tragedy that befell music, here is the complete and final video cut for “All the Right Reasons”.

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abc desiree the bachelorette chris harrison abc bachelorette bachelorette recap desiree hartsock bachelorette episode 2

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popculturepolarbear

13 years ago

Unlikely Loves - Ear Worm Edition

I sang this song to a friend recently, and she asked if I just made it up on the spot. I immediately and vehemently informed her that it was the great George Michael singing a song about which Freud would have had volumes to say.

Please enjoy this twisted, manic, whispered ballad video that is so completely of its time with super models and wisps of fabric across the frame from one of our favorite 80s pop overlords.

Be warned: This video is almost 6 minutes long and will suck you in completely.

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80s music supermodels george michael ear worms

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popculturepolarbear

10 years ago

The Bachelorette - The Men Tell All Recap

Guys, guys, guys, guys! THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE RECAP BEFORE THE WHOLE SHOW COMES TO A DRAMATIC CLOSE! This is also the final recap I have to complete in order to be “caught up” with the show. It may have taken me three weeks to get “caught up” but catch up I did! But you won’t catch ME putting KATSUP on my hotdogs because I’m a Chicago girl, OKAY?! Ha ha ha, we have fun here don’t we? I’ve had a few beers tonight, and we are entering into hour six of the Bachelorette that I have consumed this week alongside little else in terms of entertainment so I fear I may be losing it. Bear with me though because sometimes a few loose screws is all it takes to make the ride FUN (and sometimes deadly but today it’s about FUN).

My main man Chris Harrison comes trotting out to his blue-lit platform of love to welcome us to a very special evening. Before anything regarding the current season happens, we have some time to kill with Ashley and JP who are pregnant with their first child! They are my favorite couple ever from this show, and maybe ever in general. I just ADORE Ashley and JP, and Ashley is a stunningly beautiful pregnant woman.

She is due in October, and we also learn that they moved to Miami. Cool stuff guys. I love you, but what are we doing here? Oh. Oh God. Oh my god. We are doing a live ultra-sound. Oh no. Oh my. They are going to “find out if it’s a boy or a girl right here.” Which, we as an audience will, but Ashley posted a sonogram a while ago of a baby boy. So that’s not really breaking live television.

But we’re really going through with this. We are honest to God doing a live ultra-sound with Ashley busting open her cute maxi-dress just a bit and the doctor slopping on the goop. First they make a SOLID joke of putting Chris Harrison’s face over the ultra-sound image. I laugh for what feels like hours (jk). Then the technician mashes the ultra-sound thingy all over her stomach to show “an ear” (a blob) and “a thumb” (another blob) and finally reveal that it’s a boy!

JP says he would’ve been happy no matter what, as long as it’s healthy, but is thrilled to be getting a son. Ugh. I hated that so much, but Ashley and JP are still so cute I can’t stand it. And I guess if you could basically fulfill your child’s college fund by doing a live ultra-sound of it before it’s even in its third trimester, you would do that.

Now we get an extended preview of Bachelor in Paradise which is going to be juicy and vile and so fun and so, so hard to watch. I can’t wait. I don’t recap the Bachelor Pad/In Paradise seasons, but you can bet I’ll be tweeting my thoughts like crazy.

Nearly twenty minutes into the show, we finally get to the Men of the Men Tell All. Everybody is back and looking sharp. They do a little practical joke by everyone wearing scarves! I mean yes, a bunch of the guys wore scarves this season, so it’s cute, but I would have thought they were genius if it had been turtlenecks.

Ugh, man, remember how hot Hot Carl was? Hot Carl is still so, so hot. Coach Brian is adorable as ever. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face managed a hair cut between filming and now, but it’s still some pretty bad hair.

The first video package rolled is the overview of all the negative drama between the guys from this season. We get Craig drinking too much; we get JJ saying it’s hard to be happy for other guys’ successes; we get Andrew being a gold medalist douche canoe; and we get Andrew being a racist douche kayak.

Chrarrison decides to dive in head first to “the most sensitive issue of the season”, WHICH IS NOT ERIC’S DEATH MIND YOU, but the alleged racist comment made by Andrew. Racism = very sensitive issue, but I just think the whole way they sensationalized Eric’s death is a little more sensitive. But they don’t care what I think do they?

Anyways Marquel talks a little about how after hearing from his close friend JJ what Andrew might have said, he wanted to pray and think about how to address the situation. The audience applauds as he said he knew he was representing not only himself but also his family, his friends, and many others. Ron, who was the other man of color included in the original alleged statement that Andi chose “the two blackies,” commends Marquel for how respectfully and gentlemanly he handled himself.

And then the funniest most horrendous thing happens. Andrew starts to say his part and says, “I completely agree with the way that Ron approached…” and is interrupted by Marquel saying and pointing at himself, “Marquel”.

“I’m sorry what?”

“Marquel…You said Ron,” Marquel gently says.

And then you can see the color and light leave Andrew’s face as he apologizes. Now, Marquel says, “No worries.” But I feel like he SHOULD be worried because in a discussion where Andrew is desperately trying to clear his name for being an alleged racist, THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS CONFUSE THE ONLY TWO BLACK GUYS SITTING IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, to be fair, Ron had just spoken. But also, to be fair, they are two completely different people, and Andrew spent a lot more time with Marquel. And also oh my GOD you guys he called him by the wrong black person’s naaaaaaaaaaaaame.

So then they get down to really trying to divine what happened and what was said. We get to see the video of it where you can only see that he leans over to say something to JJ, but there’s no audio. Then Nick S says that he knows something was said, but there was a lot of chatter.

Andrew continues to be kind of a smug jerk about it, though. He’s such an asshole, that whether or not he did say “blackies”, he’s still a shit-hole of a person. Andrew attacks JJ and tears him down by saying that his credibility is spent and that he’s a person who doesn’t deserve respect. And shut up Andrew. Look at your life. Look at your choices. I would like to cordially invite you to eat boners, so shut up. I would like to be done with Andrew.

Farmer Chris even gets on the hating on JJ train. I just don’t think JJ is a bad dude. They are all questioning at this point how JJ handled what he heard, and that JJ is a snake. But Marquel, being a good dude, brings it all back around to how he loses respect for Andrew for deflecting all this blame rather than just straight up apologizing to Marquel for anything potentially offending him. “I can forgive you for what you said, but I can never forgive the ignorance that is racism,” Marquel says. And Andrew is trying to applaud too and be like “I agree!” And then FINALLY Andrew apologizes. It took him ten minutes of accusations flying to apologize.

Apparently Marquel was a huge fan favorite this season, and I missed that memo. But before Marquel gets into the hot seat, JJ decides to interrupt. Oh god here we go again. What is it JJ? He tries to get off his chest that he’s sorry if his actions were misconstrued, and then Chris and Brian both basically tell him to shut up. I don’t know. I don’t care about JJ’s role in this, so let’s move on.

Let’s talk to Marquel about god knows what because what is there even to talk to Marquel about? We hear more from Andi about Marquel in this video package than we ever did during the show. When he and the Chrarrs sit down to talk, they boil everything down to him being stuck in the Friend Zone. Ok. I will give Marquel a ton of bonus points for wearing an adorable cookie lapel pin on his jacket. And then he hands out cookies to the audience! Marquel is a class act, but he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise which concerns me. We’ll just have to see.

Marcus gets up on the hot seat to talk about his shocking goodbye. The women go wild for him, and much like Marquel, I just don’t get it. Marcus has only the kindest things to say about how he truly loved Andi and that she helped him mature and grow as a man. He is looking forward to talking to Andi about a few things.

But again, Marcus is on Bachelor in Paradise, so I’m not TOO worried about either his willingness or his ability to find love. Chris Harrison is talking about Bachelor in Paradise as if it hasn’t already happened though. Am I in a fever dream? Did they not already show us ten minutes of preview?

Next is Chris’ turn in the hot seat with Chrarrison. The women go absolutely bonkers for him, and I can’t blame them. Chris also speaks very highly of Andi, but wishes that he could have had more time with her and perhaps different time, where it could have been just the two of them.

And then Chris is interrupted by what I can only guess is a full blown psychotic woman from the audience. Even Chris Harrison is stunned, saying, “Apparently this is an open mic talk show now.” So this woman’s name is Ketra which is a CRAZY name. And then she sits down on the couch and says she’s Canadian and from a small town, and asks “Do you think you’re going to meet someone in Iowa?” WHAT THE HELL? THAT’S A BIZARRE QUESTION. She’s beautiful. But obviously crazy. Chris is blushing hardcore because how uncomfortable is this?

Chrarrison puts them on a speed date while we are on a commercial break, and that sounds horrid. Poor Chris. Obviously being set up with a beautiful but clearly INSANE woman. Chris is respectful and delightful as she leaves him her phone number, but I still feel like that’s never going to happen because she’s out of her goddamn mind.

Finally, we trot Andi out on stage in a skintight, sparkly number. She looks great. We go first to Chris to talk to Andi. He asks what happened to lead to her letting him go. So, Andi just kind of repeats herself from what she said when she actually broke up with Chris. Then Marcus asks Andi what happened, and if his saying “I love you” so fast scared her. Andi repeats herself again that she just didn’t feel the same way as fast as Marcus. Then Cody fires away that he’s sad Andi never got to see “The Real Cody”, and Andi is like, well I just wasn’t feeling it so I owed you the respect to just send you home.

Now Marquel fires one off! What the heck is this? I feel like she’s up against a firing squad. She is 100% holding her own though and respectfully, diplomatically answering every question. Marquel asks why they didn’t get out of the friend zone. Andi says she thinks the romance wasn’t there, and they just always had fun as friends. They laugh when he jokes how she was too shy to kiss him but really he was too shy to kiss her.

Then Nick S fires away that he feels that she really had her guard up when they were talking at the second rose ceremony. Shut up Nick S, no one cares about you. Andi is so kind in saying that it’s hard to just constantly be vulnerable and she’s sorry if he felt he was being brushed off. Once again, shut up dude.

Then Chrarrison introduces Andi to the infamous party crasher Chris Bukowski. He’s in the audience because he’s on Bachelor in Paradise. So they finally get to meet from across a studio audience.

And that’s the end of that. What the hell? That was the strangest Q&A I’ve ever seen on this show. And so short. It was just a rapid fire rehashing of things we’ve already discussed ad nauseam on the show.

Chrarrison helps clear the air that Andi is not in any way pregnant. Then Chris brings out the results of the lie detector tests from Italy. We find out that Coach Brian, Farmer Chris, and JJ told no lies. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than twenty women. Oopsies. Dylan told the truth about NOT always washing his hands, so he whips out his hand sanitizer. But his lies were about preferring brunettes AND being ready for marriage. When it comes down to Josh’s results though, Andi decides to not reveal his results and let the trust remain.

Then it’s finally time for bloopers! They are short this year and not really worth it. But the show is now over! WHAT A WEIRD MEN TELL ALL. THE WEIRDEST.

I will see you all on Monday for the posting of the Official Drinking Game Rules! The recap will go up on Wednesday, but I will be live tweeting the finale over @Chasspod so join me there! Fill up that ask box if you have any burning questions left on your minds going into the finale. I’ll see you there.

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tv abc andi the bachelorette The Bachelorette recaps chris harrison tv recaps andi dorfman abc bachelorette the men tell all the men tell all recap the bachelorette week ten marquel

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popculturepolarbear

12 years ago

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together. Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh, the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her. And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.