The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

Bridging the Gap - On Filling the Pop Culture Lull

The gap between summer and fall, from about mid-August to late-September, is big old lull, pop-culturally speaking. All the summer programming is over, but the news shows haven’t started and the old shows haven’t picked back up. All the summer blockbusters have long since been released, and the critically acclaimed films gearing up towards awards-season are sitting in the pot.

So what’s a bear to do? Hibernate? I think not. Here are my recommendations of how to efficiently fill your time in the Pop-Culture Lull.

1) Books - There are no fewer than five books on my nightstand right now that I am either half-way through or am borrowing from a friend who insisted I read them (four months ago). But summer caught up with me and the books got put aside for the beach and festivals and concerts and movies. So use this time to finally finish Game of Thrones, book 2, “A Clash of Kings”, or read “The Fault in Our Stars” so you can finally give it back to your friend who just wants to talk about Hazel and August Waters with you!

                            2) Podcasts - In the past, I’ve only listened to podcasts while on my commutes, but in the past month, I’ve discovered several new, great podcasts that help pass the time cooking, cleaning, or just sitting around. They can be purely entertaining (try Pop My Culture Podcast, or Pop Culture Happy Hour), they can be enlightening (try This American Life, or The Moth), they can be in-depth portraits of actors, writers, or musicians (try WTF? with Marc Maron, or Doug Loves Movies), or they can be any number of other things. The best part is that the vast majority of podcasts are 100% free, so open up the podcast tab in iTunes and subscribe to a few that most peak your specific interests. 

                        3) Classic Films – My regular readers know how derelict I am in my knowledge of the top classic films. But this isn’t just me; most of us have a pop-culture blind-spot. A classic thing that it seems EVERYONE ELSE LIVING has seen, but we haven’t. Netflix has all of the modern classics readily available, but they also have every film on the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time (click through here for the full list). This is a great time to finally watch Citizen Kane, Vertigo, Gone with the Wind, and clear up that blind-spot.

                      4) Start a new TV show on Netflix – While you wait for your old favorite shows to start up once again, pick up something new that everyone has been imploring you to watch for months, or possibly years. If I had a nickel for every time someone has literally yelled at me to watch “Breaking Bad”, I would be a rich lady indeed. You can check out that show, "Sherlock", "Louie", and tons more current, popular show on Netflix instant. Or go the classic route like with your movies. All eleven seasons of “Frasier” are also on instant, which is a beautifully crafted comedy that I bet you’ve overlooked with prejudgments. “Firefly” likewise is a great, short-lived TV show from the brilliant brain of Joss Whedon, who, you know, recently earned all the money for a little film called “the Avengers” so…credentials…

     5) Revisit Old Favorites – Do you have all the seasons of the Simpsons on DVD? What about the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy with extended editions and commentary? How about the Colin Firth, BBC mini-series of “Pride and Prejudice”? Get down with your old favorites that you haven’t devoted time to in a while! You miss them and you don’t even know. You want to cry over the perfection of Mr. Darcy and you really want to spend almost a full day in the world of Middle Earth.

     If you can’t successfully utilize any of these to help pass the time from limbo to full-blown media overload, I don’t know what to do with you. Take a walk? Maybe? Who knows? But, hopefully any/all of these things will fill that void and successfully carry you through, and who knows, maybe open up a new pop-culture addiction. Which you can never have too many of, honestly.

Henley Monday -

Your brain probably needs a refreshing palate cleanser after the horrific catastrophe of an Emmys that happened last night. I don't know what went so terribly wrong, but wrong it went. There were upsets good (Tony Hale!) and upsets bad (Jeff Daniels??????) and all around weird moments (Carrie Underwood singing "Yesterday" by the Beatles in memoriam of the TELEVISION COVERAGE of the JFK assassination).

All this is to say that today more than ever we need to just look at the newly single Liam Hemsworth looking strong yet vulnerable in a crisp, white henley. Breathe serenity in....exhale Emmys post-traumatic stress out...

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

Good-bye Beverly Hills and hello Santa Fe! Our journey tolove brings the hopeful contestants to sunny, arid New Mexico this week, and if the Internet is to be believed IT. GOES. DOWN. Chris starts us off in the middle of a field of hot air balloons, and he has no idea what’s in store for him.

Megan seems to think that Santa Fe is a beach resort town. Oh, honey. She also thinks New Mexico is a separate country but not Mexico. Oh,oh, honey. Megan’s confusion does not stop the girls from invading and being in awe of their Plush Ass Suite.

As much as everyone is clamoring for the individual dates this week, the first one goes to Carly our friendly cruise ship singer with the worst eyebrows in Bachelor history. Her date card reads “Let’s come together.” I giggle like a schoolgirl just like the producers did as they wrote the card.

Chris is wearing a rust colored Henley for the date today and is excited to see if there’s something romantic between him and Carly. Carly joins Chris at the seemingly abandoned Hacienda de Cereza. It is most definitely not abandoned though. Chris and Carly come upon a woman meditating on pillows in front of a desert vista. This woman’s name is Tziporah Kingsbury and her job title is Love and Intimacy Mentor. I am NOT ON BOARD for this.

“What we’re gonna do is just go through various processes today just to put more juiciness into your relationship,” Tziporah coos to the couple. Absolutely not. AbosoLUTELY not will a woman named Tziporah talk about juiciness. No. NO. But she is.

Chris is relying heavily on Tziporah to help bring out the chemistry between him and Carly. He is so convinced of her skill and ability that if she doesn’t bring out the “chemistry”, he will call it quits with Carly! THAT’S A LOT OF STAKES FOR A WOMAN OVER FORTY WITH A NOSE RING AND FEATHER EARRINGS WAVING BURNING SAGE IN FRONT OF YOU.

She has them sit back to back and breathe deeply. She has them sit in front of each other and Carly blindfolds Chris.

“Who turned out the lights?” he jokes in the most feeble voice as if he knows how not funny it is. It’s like he has a sickness and is so ashamed that he can’t control the impulse to make that terrible, terrible joke.

Then Carly gets to do exactly what Megan did with him last week which is dip fruits and nuts into chocolate and feed them to Chris. What the hell is this show’s fixation with this exercise? I have seen it executed no less than five times. It’s not sexy. Is there some grand conspiracy I’m not aware of?

Carly also has to explore Chris’s entire body with her hands, so that is difficult to watch. She’s uncomfortable with physical intimacy but also, I imagine, deeply uncomfortable with f***ing Tziporah sitting there and watching and coaching her.

As the physical coaching escalates at an alarming rate, Chris has an epiphany. “I thought we were coming here today to meet with a love guru. But it turns out she’s a SEX guru,” he says. It is not what he was expecting.

Cut to Tziporah telling Carly and Chris that in order to “remove masks” that we wear in front of our partners, they will be removing the physical masks of their clothing. Carly is very timid about this because it’s a first date and there’s cameras and also it’s F***ING WEIRD AS F*** TO MAKE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T ALREADY IN AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP DO THIS. Chris whispers a bunch of stuff about how they’ll just do whatever she’s comfortable with.

So they stand up and face each other and Carly helps Chris remove his shirt. Then he helps her remove hers. Neither of them feels good about this. Of course Carly is then instructed to remove Chris’s pants.

“I’m really uncomfortable,” she whispers to him.

“So am I,” he whispers back. They both decide not to have Carly remove his pants. He shame-whispers again to Tziporah that it’s their first date and that “some things are worth waiting for”. Noble, but maybe speak up a little next time. Tziporah is fine with this decision, so she has them tell a non-physical mask that has held them back in past relationships.

Chris says that he hasn’t committed himself to really loving someone for the rest of his life. UH, NO DOI. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE ON THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW AND NOT MARRIED, YOU DING-DONG.

Carly then reveals that she has held herself back with the fear that she is unworthy of being loved. And that’s real.

I swear to you, I’ve had enough of Tziporah for my entire lifetime. The fact that this date drags on does NOT follow the rules of the Geneva Convention. Tzippy makes Carly sit in Chris’s lap, facing him, and instructs them to explore each other’s bodies but the one rule is no kissing. Gross. Won’t see.

Tzippy is right next to the two of them making them breathe and is touching them. I’m pretty sure this is supposed to be erotic, but it is yucky to watch. I don’t feel comfortable watching this! Please let me stop seeing this! Too intimate for my eyes! Physical intimacy: YUCK!

They finish with a passionate kiss. I’m all tapped out. I did not care for one bit of that.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…it’s fun that I can say that. The headbands’ reign of terror on this season’s contestants is still raging on, and Kelsey is talking about her dead husband. He only died a year and a half ago, and it was very sudden. So sudden that she doesn’t even remember the name of what happened to him? Congestive heart failure. I feel like if my young husband just dropped dead one day I would never forget the words “congestive heart failure,” but Kelsey and I are not the same person.

Ashley I. notes that she waited over five weeks to tell people and that she seems nonchalant about it. While they’re using those facts to paint Kelsey as a crazy, I could also play devil’s advocate and say that both of those things are out of self-preservation.

Mostly, Kelsey is concerned with getting a one-on-one date so she can tell Chris her story about being a widow. It’s “imperative” to her. Why now, though? Why wasn’t it so imperative before?

The group date card comes though and with it, Kelsey’s fate. First on the list is Jade, then Megan, Kaitlyn, Whitney, Mackenzie, Becca, Samantha (who?), Ashley, annnnnnd Kelsey. “I’m rapidly falling in love,” the date card says. Britt is thrilled to have the other one-on-one, but Kelsey is seeing red. She thinks it is unacceptable that she is not being made to feel special. Cool.

Carly and Chris have their special dinner in a lovely southwestern lodge. Carly takes the time to be serious and have a real emotional talk with Chris. She shares that in the last long-term relationship she had, her partner never wanted to be physically intimate with her, and it really took a toll on her self-esteem. Damn, I get Carly on a soul-to-soul level. Dammnit, I really wanted to hate her after her entrance singing on a pink karaoke machine, but I just can’t.

Chris assures her that she’s beautiful and talented and smart and funny, and that’s great. She is. CARLY YOU RULE, BUT ALSO THE SELF CONFIDENCE YOU SEEK MUST COME FROM WITHIN AND NOT FROM THE VALIDATION OF A MAN ALTHOUGH THAT TYPE OF VALIDATION CAN CERTAINLY HELP. LOVE YOU FIRST, CARLY!!!

She feels really wonderful about the date and how Chris makes her feel. And she accepts Chris’s rose.

“Chris makes me feel beautiful, and I have not felt beautiful in a really long time,” Carly beams.

For the group date, the women and Chris will be white water rafting on the Rio Grande. Megan, who has taken up the role of comedic relief since Ashley S.’ departure, is excited to be rafting, but fearful of what might lie under the surface of the river. “There could be alligators,” she suggests, “or dead bodies.”

After a rousing safety debrief from an old timey prospector- I mean River Guide- named Cisco, the group sets off. This date is once again a test to see if the women are comfortable “hanging” outdoors. Ugh. Get over it, Chris. You spent time outside. Stop torturing these women.

They raft down the river, and Jade falls out. Chris has to massage her when they hit land because her body goes into hypothermia all the time, and the water set her right into it. That’s literally the only thing we get to see of the rafting. Oh, and Kelsey has a freak out that she can’t get a massage because she’s “fine. FINE.”

But the date was cut short for good reason because guess what?! Just as the evening cocktail party is about to begin, Chris runs into JORDAN THE HOT MESS STUDENT ELIMINATED IN WEEK 2 in the lobby! AMAZING. These girls are THIRSTY for some Chris Soules.

Jordan starts out a big speech about how she drove from Colorado and how she feels so tortured that she let things end the way they did. She feels she has a “strong faith in God that led [her] here.” Meanwhile Chris’s face is like “uhhhhh…how do I get her to go away?”

He reminds the camera that the main reason he let her go is that he felt she was taking advantage of the open bar more than being there to find love. I would have to agree and this seems like the epitome of crazy.

She asks for a second chance with Chris, and, get this, HE ACTUALLY CONSIDERS IT. The dumb-dummy falls for it. She arrives on Chris’s arm to the cocktail party, and the women are steamed. None of them think she should be there, but here she is. Jordan will be staying for at least the cocktail party, and Chris has opened the door for the other women to share their feelings on her. Jordan is a barrel full of fish and Chris just handed all the women a semi-automatic gun.

Tempers flare all around not only towards Jordan herself, but between Ashley and Whitney as well. Ashley is of the mind that since no one wants Jordan to be there, they should all just be mean to her. She’s unwanted competition, so they can be mean to her. Whitney is being a sane person who thinks that even if she doesn’t want Jordan back at all, that doesn’t give you carte blanche to just be horrible to another person.

Each woman takes a portion of her time with Chris to emphasize that they do not want Jordan there. Some are eloquent and diplomatic, some are blunt, but no one wants her there.

In the Plush Ass Suite, Britt receives her date card. Carly also reveals that Britt is open about having not showered in weeks. Britt doesn’t shower. Ok. Alright. That’s a thing I now know. But more importantly the date card says, “The Sky’s the limit” and Britt crumples in terror. In her talking head, she actually breaks down crying because she’s so terrified of heights. Gimme a break, lady.

But for Jordan, her break has come once again, for her heart. That was a stretch, but basically, Chris sends Jordan right back home. She cries as she hugs all the girls goodbye again, but I feel good about Chris’s decision to not make every single woman livid. But even so, the tension in the room is thick as Chris returns to hand out the date rose. He gives it to Whitney for making him feel special and for being “there for the right reasons.” Yay Whitney! And Samantha has literally never said a single word on camera.

The seeds of discontent have been sown between Whitney and Ashley, as Ashley runs off to cry about the rose to Mackenzie. Mackenzie, for being 21, has a very wise moment as Ashley is whining about how “fake” she thinks Whitney is. Mackenzie simply says, “I just think you don’t like her.” And Ashley can’t really argue with that. The other women support Whitney though because I think, in general, people can’t deal with Ashley’s dramatics. I know I can’t.

Ah, now it is time for our one-on-one. Chris sneaks into the hotel room super early to wake up Britt. Britt is wearing just as much makeup first thing in the morning as she during a rose ceremony and Chris seems to think that’s just magical beauty. I think it’s not good for your skin, and Carly confirms that it’s not magic. It’s just that Britt actually puts on a full face of makeup before she goes to bed “just in case.” Well this time it paid off, and HOW PSYCHO IS THAT?! Carly and I, being soul-to-soul, agree that Britt needs to go away. And get a haircut.

They hop into a car and drive through the sunrise to a field where a hot air balloon is being inflated just for them. Britt was terrified all during the car ride because she’s soooo scared of heights, but as soon as she sees the hot air balloon she is giddy like a girl. What a fun and quirky girl she is. I DEFINITELY want to be her friend in real life.

New Mexico is really beautiful and I gotta say, I would never say no to a hot air balloon ride. It is beautiful and cool.

As the girls talk about why they don’t like Britt and think she’s weird, she and Chris arrive at his hotel suite. Scandal is a-brewing! The girls discuss how Britt said she’s in no hurry to get married and have kids. Chris and Britt talk about how they want SO MANY kids. The girls discuss how manipulative she is. Britt gets the rose. They don’t think she’s there for the right reasons. Chris and Britt kiss passionately in his bed.

“This date started in bed, and it ended in bed!” squeals Britt. And the last thing we see is Chris closing the bedroom doors of his suite. Dude. Things are HAPPENING THIS WEEK! FINALLY.

When Britt comes back from the date, she tells the whole room full of women exactly what they did, including coming back to his room. She shares that they “just ordered room service and took a nap.” She is met with [edited] stony silence.

None of the women are pleased by this, but least of all is Kelsey. This final act has made her feel the least special of all! And this must be rectified! And off she goes. Kelsey takes off into the resort to find Chris in his hotel room.

She has decided that this time, right now, is when she will tell her story to Chris.

“Otherwise I run the risk of being sent home without him knowing that I’m a widow,” Kelsey insists with an intensity that belies how serious this situation actually is. She then dives right into her story of her husband and their love and how he died. She and Chris embrace. It goes fine. Then we get this…

“Ugh! Isn’t my story just amazing?” a smiling Kelsey asks the camera, “It’s tragic, but it’s amazing. I love my story.” I feel…did she meet Juelia? I mean not that it’s a competition and a Sad Factory (though it can be) but as far as tragic and complex stories go, Juelia has her beat by a long-shot. And Juelia didn’t beam with pride about her tragedy. What the hell is going on here?

Then, as Kelsey and Chris embrace they begin to kiss. She kisses his nose with a tiny, tender baby kiss, and then I puked all my bones out. Kelsey is VERY pleased with how all this went.

“I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too,” she says. Oh isn’t it just? The type of bizarre behavior exhibited by Kelsey is a silent, threatening, terrifying kind. I’m concerned about her and the rest of the women. She genuinely thinks this show is all about her and how we get to be privy to a woman shattered by tragedy picking up the pieces and starting over in love. That’s me paraphrasing HER WORDS. Shut up? And also, I’m worried? Did she make it all up? Does she have borderline personality disorder and did she make up this story for attention? I’m so confused by and concerned about her!

To further this terrifying feeling, as the women gather for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony there is a current of tension running through the air. Everyone can feel it, even the women who have roses. We get to hear Samantha say her first words. And everyone is worried, except for Kelsey. She’s just smiling and laughing and having a great time because she is 100% positive she’ll receive a rose for revealing to Chris that she is a widow.

Just as she sits so smug, Chris walks in to give the pre-cocktail party speech. He is notoriously terrible at speeches, but this one seems especially strained. He stumbles over words as he describes the emotional week he’s had here in Santa Fe. When he gets to talking about the emotional talk he and Kelsey had, he says that it really made him think about this whole process and it put things into perspective. And then Chris gets so choked up that he is silent, then excuses himself from the room.

The women turn to Kelsey for some kind of explanation. She tells them that she went to his room to tell him her story and that it went well. Carly is suspicious of this because she believes that had Kelsey not done this, Kelsey would’ve gone home. Now that Kelsey did have that talk, Chris has to send someone else home instead. I get where she’s coming from but that might be flawed logic. He might be upset because he still wants to send her home even though she just poured her soul out to him.

Kelsey goes on that she doesn’t quite understand where this delay is coming from because “he knows what he needs to do.” And the women are like, “HOLD UP, WHAT NOW?” But Kelsey, through her wise tears, explains that today they spoke about time and how important time is. Because Kelsey understands what time means, “that every day is precious and you should never take it for granted.” And she talks about Chris like he’s her man that it’s the first time she’s seen him “act from the heart” in a while and that it’s hard because it means SHE has to say good-bye to people.

Girl. This show is not called The Kelsey. This show is called The Bachelor and nobody gives a crap about how hard it will be for YOU to say good-bye.

Chrarrison walks balk into the room to announce that Chris will forego a cocktail party and move straight to the rose ceremony. The women are panicked and emotional about this. Mackenzie, whose hair once again looks great, speculates that Kelsey should be more concerned than she is because she did open up so much that Chris might feel bad about sending her home.

And Kelsey finally gets that stark realization too. She does not want to go to a Rose Ceremony, and she gets up to excuse herself from the room. And the next thing you know, Kelsey is on the ground hyperventilating and in hysterics. An Australian woman named Diane with the longest ponytail in history tends to her on the ground as she cries out in agony and despair!

AND THEN WE CUT TO BLACK “TO BE CONTINUED…”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I’LL SEE YOU GUYS NEXT WEEK ON WEDNESDAY BUT UNTIL THEN CHECK ME OUT ON TWITTER @CHASSPOD AND REMEMBER THE ASK IS ALWAYS OPEEEEEEEEEN.

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow -

For what now seems like the entirety of my elementary, middle, and high school career, one teacher, each Halloween featured this short animated film "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow". Made by Disney in 1949 and narrated entirely by Bing Crosby, it is as much a part of Halloween to me as trick or treating and pervasive feeling of being "just a bit too cold" in whatever costume I wear.

If you haven't seen it since your childhood school days, you really owe it to yourself to watch and enjoy this version of the classic Washington Irving tale. Not only does it do it complete justice, pulling directly from the text, but it includes wonderful songs from a by-gone era of Disney sung by golden throated Bing Crosby. It also is entirely enjoyable and laugh-out-loud funny in its animated mastery of physical comedy.

Settle in after work, before the madness begins, and get in the spirit with Ichabod Crane. Happy Halloween!

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.

Sarah McLachlan can't keep me down because Thursday nights mean Parks & Rec AND JERSEY SHORE! Gee, I sure hope they extract Vinny from his room in mother's house on Staten Island.

How surprised are you that Marquel is still around? Not just because The Bachelor is usually...well. But because of his jester ways and picnic table shirts too.

"HIS JESTER WAYS"!!!!!!!! That's amazing.

YES. Yes. What in the hell is he still doing there? I think his days are definitely numbered. When he literally just sat on that couch and made her stand up in her formal gown "to teach her some self-defense moves" I thought for sure that was his kiss of death because WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT? But poor little Tasos went home instead. Although Tasos' time was up for sure. He was not up to snuff.

I'm coming for ya Marquel...just you wait....

The Bachelorette - Finale Recap

The time has finally come to wrap up this long show’s journey into night. It is the end of the Bachelorette for another year, another end of all the hopes and dreams of so many young men and one woman. And it’s the end of my time with all of you for a while. Parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, so before we part, let’s watch this tragi-comedy unfold.

Before any filmed footage is shown, we of course have to check in with Chrarrison and the live studio audience. We do receive on important piece of info from Old Chrarrs: whoever Andi didn’t pick is so heartbroken that he has tried to contact her several times to get closure. He even tried to contact her “while she was vacationing in Mexico, and she refused to speak with him”. UH. NO DUH. BECAUSE THAT’S THE BEHAVIOR OF AN UNWELL PERSON. And I guess he tried to confront her again during the Men Tell All and she refused him again. Oooo, how will this fage?

The episode kicks right off with Nick coming to meet Andi’s family. We have her very intimidating father Hy, her sweet mother with terrible fishing hook eyebrows Patti, and her sister Rachel and brother-in-law…Haley? His name can’t be Haley but that’s what it sounds like. Nick is nervous but excited to meet Andi’s family. He’s taking this very seriously.

I guess the bro-in-law’s name is Ailey which makes less sense than Haley, but whatever. The whole family is commenting on how nervous Nick is acting. He’s being very reserved and stumbling. They manage through lunch, and Nick is getting worried they will think he’s a jackass.

So Nick sits down with Patti to talk it all out. “I know that Andi’s it for me…I love her in ways I never I thought I could love someone before,” Nick says, at which point Patti tears up.

Andi sits down with her sister Rachel who desperately needs some morrocan oil for her hair. Andi shares how Nick truly sees her whole soul and when he kisses her, she feels his passion for her.

The biggest moment comes when Nick sits down with Hy to ask his permission to marry Andi. Hy simply asks what it is that he likes/loves about Andi. Nick answers diplomatically, but Hy makes sure his eyes are on the future.  Nick asks for the blessing. Hy hesitates; then he goes on to explain that he thinks Andi is as special as Nick does and gives his blessing. Nick passes the family test with flying colors.

Now it’s Josh’s turn against the firing squad! Based on his politician nature, I have no doubt he will do well with her family. The family already loves him because he lives in Atlanta, but Hy is cautious because Josh has a lot to live up to compared to Nick. Hy straight up laughs at Josh because he can see that he is trying so hard to look cool and casual but is so nervous, “This poor guy didn’t have a prayer.” Oh Hy, you’re the top.

“This loud guy comes in with Andi and he keeps saying how nervous he is and how hot he is…he’s just boisterous and a little chaotic,” Patti says. Uh-oh, do I sense trouble in paradise? Josh has some ground to make up with her parents.

Rachel listens to Andi’s concerns about Josh with the best kind of sisterly grace. She hears all her worries that he is a former-athlete and maybe a salesman but is confident in Andi’s feelings. Rachel and Ailey then take Josh aside to talk seriously about his feelings and intentions for Andi. Rachel approves of Josh.

Then it’s time for Hy to take Josh aside and level with him. Hy is such a straight forward guy. No frills, no fuss, just says what he’s thinking. I like that. Josh speaks up for himself and meets the expectations though. Hy asks, “Are you sure this isn’t just a camp romance?” which I LOVE because that’s exactly what this show can be sometimes! Camp! And then you go away to school and you’re so sure it’s going to be the same, but it isn’t. Awww, Hy. Stick around all the time.

Josh really stands his ground though that he feels the forever kind of love for him. Josh boldly tells Hy, “in a few days, I’d love to propose to your daughter and I’d love to make her my wife.”

“You’ve got my blessing. The only one you gotta worry about is hers,” Hy says. WHAT A GUY. WHAT. A. GUY.

Well, that was quick and painless. Everybody loves Josh too.

Andi now has her final date with Josh. She is wearing the shit out of a tropical print caftan while she and Josh go yachting about the island. They can’t keep their hands off each other as the Caribbean winds whip around them. It is quite the romantic scene. These two are VERY canoodley which is starting to make me doubt my instincts that Nick will win.

They get to jump off the yacht to go swimming, and you can totally 100% see the camera guy swimming alongside them which is so funny to me. That kind of stuff is what makes me pause and think, “these two are having this romantic moment in the water…six feet away from a man in a wetsuit holding a waterproof camera…” like, WHAT?!

For dinner, the couple meets up at Josh’s plush ass suite. The snuggle up on his couch to talk about fears, doubts, and hopes going into the future. Andi is just worried that the puppy love phase will end, and that the romance will fade, but Josh reassures her in his very confident way that he feels forever love for her. I’m tempted to feel swayed by this, but I’m not. I mean, I believe he THINKS he feels that, but come on. Who knows?

Then Josh whips out the special surprise he and the producers cooked up to give Andi one final sway in his favor. First he reads a nice, long letter to her because he couldn’t say the words to her. Then he presents her with a gift. It’s a baseball card with her picture and all her “stats” on it. Stats like “Games Played: doesn’t play games” and “Errors: can’t dance and swears too much”. At first, I really hated this card, but that’s at least a little bit cute. EXCEPT he presents it to her with her name ALREADY CHANGED TO HIS LAST NAME: ANDI MURRAY. LIKE SHE DOESN’T EVEN GET TO CONSIDER KEEPING HER OWN LAST NAME OR HYPHENATING IT BECAUSE FEMINISM IS DEAD AND YOU ARE JUST A MAN’S PROPERTY. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Call me new-fashioned, but I just can’t handle all this assumption of women just taking the man’s last name, no questions asked.

Anyhow, Andi feels very good after their final date and a lot of very lip-smacky kissing. She is worried about how much she feels for Josh and how much he feels for her. But she knows how much she feels for him. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Nick has his final date coming off Andi’s two straight days spent with Josh. Andi is really looking for clarity with this date so that she really knows at the end of the day who her guy will be. They start off the day going off-roading through the island and land at a beautiful, private lagoon. At the lagoon, Nick talks about how much he liked her family and how he told them just how much he loves her. Andi feels like the love she feels from Nick makes her feel like a woman and makes her feel sexy. Which is something important to feel, so that’s something that Josh doesn’t necessarily have.

Back at Nick’s plush ass suite, Nick is worrying about where Josh is in the picture. He’s worried that she’s unsure. He’s worried he’s unsure. Andi really gets him to open up about what he’s so obviously worried about. He shares that the morning after his last engagement, he woke up and new something wasn’t right and doesn’t want to feel that with her at all. She reassures him that everything will be alright. And he tells her he loves her, and while she can’t say it back, she just tries to comfort him. Nick’s confidence is at an all time high. He says he can feel what she feels for him even though she can’t say it back.

The final gift for Andi’s favor that Nick presents is a necklace that has some sand from the beach where he first told her that he loved her in it. What a very pretty necklace, producers. Thanks for that. It’s very pretty actually, and is a more totem-like gift than the one from Josh. Although her reaction for Josh’s gift was more lively. I DON’T KNOW, GUYS. WHO WILL IT BE?!?!

Ahhh, the morning has finally arrived. Andi walks about the grounds of her casa in a pink silk teddy and black silk kimono. As she voices over her feelings for each guy, we also get to see the men staring out from their respective balconies not wearing shirts. So deep. So, so deep these moments are. But the heart of the matter is that Andi feels confident in her decision. I feel confident in getting to see Neil Lane in T minus three minutes!

Nick tells us, “I’m going to follow my gut, and my gut says to listen to my heart,” which is a lot of body parts being awfully talkative, Nick. He’s super confident that when he proposes to Andi, she will say yes.

On the other hand, we have Josh who is so excited to propose but is vulnerable enough to admit that she might not say yes. But even knowing that she could say no, he wants to do it anyway. Josh, stop making me like you against my will. Everything in me wants to greatly dislike you, but I CAN’T. Your voice is still annoying though, so there.

AND NOW THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR: HIS ROYAL MAJESTY, KING OF DIAMONDS AND LIZARDS, NEIL LAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE! Neil Lane comes to Josh’s rooms to present his sparkling wares for approval. He shows various bajillion carat diamonds surrounded by a million other, tinier diamonds, but none quite work. He shows one and says, “That’s a strong ring, and I hear Andi’s a strong woman.”

To which Josh replies, “She is. She’s a very strong woman.”

“And you can handle that?”

“Oh absolutely I can. She’s a strong woman and that’s a very sexy quality to me,” Josh says. They laugh. Joshua is making me like him more by the second. What is happening to me you guys?

They finally settle on a huge oval cut diamond ring that is, of course, encrusted by a billion other diamonds. It is very pretty. It’s too much for me, but I’m not Andi.

So then we cut over to Nick who is very excited to look at some rings from King Neil. He gets up to answer the knock on the door, but to his surprise and MUCH to my own, it is Andi standing before him. DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.

Then before we get to hear anything about what actually happens, we have to talk to some of Bachelor Nation’s favorites about what’s about to happen. No one cares, least of all Michelle Money who asks the question of everyone’s mind: Who will be the next Bachelor? And while Chrarrison skirts about the answer, the cameras zoom in on Farmer Chris’ face again and again. The whole studio audience chants “Chris.”  It’s very obvious that it’s Farmer Chris, although they refuse to actually just say it is.

But back to the actual matter at hand: Nick’s impending doom. They have a seat and Andi starts off with, “I was thinking about what you said at night, and…thought about how you said the last time you got engaged, you woke up that morning and you didn’t think something was right. And I woke up this morning and didn’t feel that something was right.” Then her voice starts to wobble because the emotional truth is coming out. That Nick is not her guy. She just keeps repeating “It’s not right.”

Nick is many things right now. He is shocked. He is sad. He is angry. He is confused. So he just starts talking and is rambling about how he doesn’t understand how she could look at him the way she did and react the way she did to him telling her that he loved her and not mean it. So she tries to defend herself that she did mean it but now she just knows that a life with him would just be a life of overanalyzing every moment.

Woah. Way harsh, Tai.  That was way harsh.

So then Nick jumps on the Way Harsh train and asks, “Is this really about us or is it about someone else?”

And Andi, sitting there tearfully, doesn’t respond because she is a lady and will spare him the torment of the answer to that question. Then Nick says some very interesting things. He says, “Sometimes I feel like you took it too far…Just remember when we were in the water and I told you that I loved you and you said ‘I wish I could say things back.’…There are just some things I wish you wouldn’t have said or done.” Like…sex? Is that what you’re pissed about Nick? You’re gonna throw her under the bus for that?

But Andi leaves with hardly another word and walks out into the rain. I bet the producers were giddy with glee over timing this exactly with the thirty minutes a day that it rains in the Dominican Republic. Nick stares out his balcony for a while then begins to pack. We watch him fold his boxer-briefs and then throw away all his roses from the pocket of his carry on. Ah, buddy. Methink you flew a little too close to the sun, Icarus.

At least she did it this way to save you the further embarrassment of picking out a ring, ACTUALLY PROPOSING, and THEN getting dumped on a platform on which her future happiness will also begin. CONSIDER THAT, IN YOUR AGONY NICK! CONSIDER THAAAAAAT.

But we have no more time for agony, we have an engagement to get to. Andi is looking beautiful in a cream chiffon dress with embellished neck. Josh is wearing a suit that appears to be made for a toddler. It’s so tight on his giant arms and is streeeeeeeetched all across his back and totally puckered where he’s buttoned it. What? Did they lose his suit and have to put him in Nick’s?

Josh starts his speech to Andi by saying that he left baseball (???) to find a great lover that was out there. “And then I found you Andi Dorfman,” he says. And ok, fine, I love that he uses her full name. He waxes poetic about how much and how he loves her. How lucky and blessed he is to have found her and how much he loves her bright smile and her eyes. AND DAMMIT. I like this speech. But also shut up.

Then it’s Andi’s turn to say her piece. She starts off slowly and builds that it was scary to know that Josh would only say I love you to the woman who would be his wife. But then she says the only way to describe what she’s feeling is “Love. Josh I love you. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you. I’m madly in love with you.”

And then Josh is so happy because he was scared for a second! Then he gets on one knee and says, “Andi Jeanette Dorfman,” FULL POINTS FOR USING HER FULL NAME, “Will you marry me?” And she says YES! Of COURSE! And then they kiss for what feels like seventeen hours because we hear at full volume every single smackey-smackey kiss they share. THAT IS ENOUGH OF THE KISSY SOUND. Maybe turn the mic packs down a touch?

Josh accepts the final rose amid another hurricane of kisses. They just keep saying I love you to each other and then kissing and Josh is the sweatiest monster of all sweat monsters. And they sit on the dock at watch the sun set.

And that, my friends, is all she wrote. Kind of. Some shit went down at the After the Final Rose ceremony that we’re going to need to discuss, but for now, this is where we’re at. I’ll be sharing some AFR thoughts later. Until then SO MANY KISSES AND HUGS to all you readers. Infinite thanks for making this such a fun thing to do. And I really hope you’ll watch Bachelor in Paradise with me.