Save BFF: A Treatise

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

The Bachelorette - Episode 7 Recap

We’re back together again so soon. Isn’t this nice? I get to binge watch, and you can binge read right alongside me? Is not this simpler? Jk jk jk I’m not Loki. On today’s episode, Andi and the six remaining guys migrate to Brussels, Belgium. The episode is rife with tension and drama as the decisions made here will impact who goes home for the coveted Home Town Dates. And now, we begin.

The dudes are really showing off their muscles in Brussels! HA HA HA I’m so sorry (not really) but I had to. I had to. Anywho, the city is beautiful European, old-world blah blah very pretty. The boys are very excited about their plush ass suite, BUT LISTEN. LISTEN TO ME. LISTEN TO THE WORDS I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU: DYLAN BAD-HAIR GOOD-FACE HAS PULLED HIS BAD HAIR INTO A TEENY-TINY PONYTAIL. IT’S SO TINY, BUT IT’S GREASY AND IT’S THERE. Do you think Dylan BH-GF has become self-aware?

Chrarrison stops by the plush ass suite to imbue the guys with a sense of dread of how important the home town dates are. Nick’s confidence is really starting to rub the guys the wrong way. He is very, very determined to be with this woman, but it’s not in a The Notebook kind of way. It’s in a jerky, almost creepy sort of way.

Marcus gets the first of two one-on-ones this week. There will also be a group date with a rose that guarantees a hometown date and then an additional one-on-one.

I wish I could sit here and tell you that Andi isn’t wearing a f***ing, GD turtleneck for her date with Marcus, but I can’t. Because I’d be lying. Because SOMEHOW wardrobe has finagled her into yet another turtleneck. WHAT HAS THIS SHOW AND MY LIFE BECOME THAT TURTLENECKS ABOUND?

Marcus and Andi do the standard Bachelorette date of just exploring the city doing fun things. I am really jealous of this one. They go to a beautiful chocolate shop, take selfies with landmarks, and buy some tacky souvenirs. They even eat mussels in Brussels at a sweet sidewalk café. Marcus tells her that he is full throttle in love with her. And for the first time, in this light at this angle, Marcus looks really good to me. He’s still a little boring, but at least he’s getting hotter? That’s not a thing, Cassie.

They eat an amazing Belgian waffle and she says, “I’m glad you’re a good eater!” They kiss. He talks to camera, and you can see the excitement and love radiating off of him. Ugh. Realness.

They change into fancy-wear and go to a big Belgian palace for dinner. Immediately we get into heavy topics like how Marcus’s dad left his mom and his younger siblings. Andi asks more about the people who would be at the date (as opposed to his father), and Marcus would love to share his family with him. It’s heavy stuff. His mom and his relationship was difficult, but they are in a good place now.

Then Andi and Marcus make out. A lot. In different locations. Making out. YEAAAAH!

Marcus comes home from the date, and Nick realizes that Andi must be somewhere in the hotel. And a plot doth form in his young mind. He trots off into the night to find his lady. Remember when I thought Nick was a simple, normal guy? Yeah I don’t think that assumption was correct. Andi is so shocked to see him because she was worried that something was wrong.

She changes into her casual clothes and they go for a midnight walk in Brussels. They end up at a sidewalk café together. It’s so romantic! SHUT UP! This is a bold, bold move, and Andi is right, it’s against the rules. But just like our old friend Clare, fortune favors the bold.  Nick tells her that he thinks about marrying her. They makeout at the café like a couple of real Europeans.

“I think if I had to chose one word to describe my relationship with Nick, it would have to be passion,” Andi says. “When he kisses me I can feel what he is thinking. It’s hot! It’s so hot.” Girlfriend I get it. But also be careful because the guys are going to resent him big time for this.

Then Josh gets the second one-on-one. “Let’s Ghent it on” the card reads. Whatever could it mean? Just kidding, it obviously means they’ll be exploring Ghent. They eat chocolate at several locations. Yes please! Andi wants Josh to get to a place where he can express his feelings. But then there’s a goose parade? Yes. That’s right. It’s a goose parade. Europeans, man. They love whimsy.

Andi is practically prying his true feelings out of him. He’s scared to and isn’t sharing quite like all the other guys and he needs to do that in order to stick around.

They have dinner in a giant, old castle. It’s amazing. They cuddle up on a couch set in this huge medieval hall. Andi asks more about why he was so uncomfortable last week. After much more mumbling and stumbling over his words, Josh tells Andi that he is, in fact, falling in love with her. And that to take a girl home to his family means that that is someone he might want to marry.

And then beautiful music begins to play and they dance and make out against a castle wall. And the music is actually furnished by folk group American Young playing a seriously gorgeous song in the middle of Ghent. This is really romantic except for being on a platform in front of a bunch of old Belgian couples.

Nick, Dylan, Brian, and Chris are on the group date together. Nick is very sure that he will have the group date rose. Dylan is still wearing his hair in a teeny-tiny ponytail. I think we need to adjust to our new normal here, gang. Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face now wears a ponytail.

The group explores some ruins in the Belgian countryside. It is stunning and verdant and amazing. Dylan eloquently states that the “ruins” stood the test of time much like he hopes their love will. Now, Dylan, not to get picky here but the word “ruins” implies that, in fact, this place did not stand the test of time. Don’t wish for your love to end up in ruins.

 They actually take off on a rail bike that is powered by the four men pedaling a blue-metal chariot for Andi on the old train tracks. Brian starts off by quoting Dumb & Dumber by saying “it feels like your running at an incredible rate!” and now I’m in love with Brian.

The boys are dying pedaling this rail bike and come up with cute little games like rhyming to pass the time. When they get off the bikes, they get to go explore a monastery. It is a fully working monastery wherein no kissing is allowed. They actually have to say that so the dudes don’t go smooching on sacred ground.

But this is where the date rose will be given out. Which is really heavy handed and taking things REAL seriously. The date rose to be handed out on the grounds of a monastery? Ok!

Each guy gets some one-on-one time with Andi, and Chris is up first. They get to spin some pottery with zero supervision or instruction. THEN THEY KISS IN THE POTTERY STUDIO? THAT’S NOT ALLOWED? WTF GUYS? ANDI JUST SAID NO KISSING IN THE MONASTERY!

And then Andi also throws out to the group that whoever gets the rose continues on the date with her while the rest of the guys go home. They begin to panic. It’ll be ok guys.

Brian and Chris also take this time to hate Nick even more. The producer’s have kindly cut the footage so it looks like Nick has just been talking and talking and talking. They think he’s just thinking about strategy and how to play the game. I don’t know. I think he is thinking about that, but he’s thinking about that because I think he genuinely likes Andi. I don’t think he’s faking it.

Well, then it’s time for Coach Brian to walk and talk with Andi. Somehow it has become just part of “the game” that each contestant must profess that they are “falling in love with” the Bachelor/Bachelorette if they want to have any hope of getting a hometown date. So Brian takes his one-on-one time to do just that. Brian is so sweet and funny. I just love him. But I don’t know if Andi and he have that special connection.

Nick is still very self-assured in everything going on. He’s just confident that Andi will meet his family. Their conversation goes so well that they have to stand up and walk away from each other so they don’t kiss in the monastery. I would say that Nick is right to be so confident in moving onto hometowns, BUT I don’t know that he’ll get that date rose.

The moment of truth is upon us. The date rose goes to Nick. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked. You can see how crestfallen the other guys are. The three amigos pile into the backseat of a van and buckle their seatbelts together like the baseball team who just lost the big game. They each take turns saying, “fuck”. It’s hilarious.

“Andi just gave me the rose, and I feel like she just told me she loves me,” Nick says.  The happy couple changes clothes and arrive for dinner at a beautiful palace. Nick plants one giant kiss on her right away.

Back at the Plush Ass Suite, the guys all get really steamed together about how conniving and bad Nick is. Usually, I’m on everyone’s side about “the villain”. But this season? Really, guys? I don’t know. Nick is just really confident in what he has with Andi and isn’t playing with all the other boys. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not there to be with Andi or find love. I think he is. I do. I think Nick’s intentions in this are pure.

And the one-on-one date with Andi is more evidence of that. They kiss and giggle and talk about how they would be as parents and what the hometown will be like. As fireworks go off, they make out even more. “I do see that possibility of him standing at the very end,” Andi says. Yeah, I don’t think it’s much of a secret that barring any huge disasters, Nick is one of the finalists. But who else will join him?!

When Nick returns home from his “mini one-on-one” all the guys sit in stony silence. No one wants to hear how great his time with “their” “girlfriend” was. The camera pans to each of the guys to gauge their reactions. Brian is giggling into his wine glass. Josh coughs twice. Marcus stares at the floor. And Chris has a tiny, smug smile on his face.

They start digging into him, and honestly guys? I don’t care anymore. I don’t care how they think he’s a strategist and not there for Andi. I don’t CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE. WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN SELVES GUYS. Remember in first grade when someone would tattle on someone else and the teacher would say, “Thank you, Britney but you should only be worrying about Britney.” Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus, Dylan: you should only be worrying about Chris, Brian, Josh, Marcus and Dylan!

The most notable thing is that Nick comes so, so, so close to saying everyone’s favorite Reality Show Catchphrase. “I didn’t come here to…be in a frat house,” says Nick. OOOH, so close buddy! But the sentiment is the same. You didn’t come here to make friends.

The guys arrive at a stunning chateau that production has bedecked with the requisite candles, tea lights, and pillows from Pier 1 Imports. Andi’s dress is intense. It’s midnight blue with some serious embellishment up top and down its long sleeves. Damn I love a gown with long sleeves.

During the cocktail party, the guys seem to know that Marcus and Josh are most definitely going to Hometowns. So Chris, Brian, and Dylan are all sweating it out as to who the final rose will go to. Andi also basically tells us as much, too.

Everyone is nervously pulling her aside to robotically remind Andi that they are each falling in love with her. Even Nick pulls her aside to have a moment with her despite having a rose. The guys accordingly react.

But the moment of truth is swift upon us. Andi gives a stirring speech about how seriously she takes hometowns. That for her, it means she sees a serious possibility of being with that person for the rest of her life.

Roses go to, of course, Josh and Marcus first. And that leaves our three boys to sweat it out. In the end, it goes to Farmer Chris. And I think that’s the right call. My sad little heart weeps for Coach Brian and Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face. Dylan cries. Andi cries. Brian cries. Andi cries more. It’s an emotions FESTIVAL in that chateau.

But I think Andi has the right final four. And hometowns are going to be really interesting I think with several of these guys. But it’s also the episode during which they find out that Eric has died. And that’s going to be really emotional and difficult to watch. So bear with me as I figure out how to convey everything that’s going on with a very serious subject on a very ridiculous show.

Until then my loves! My hope is to be all caught up by the time we get to the Men Tell All on Monday. Fingers crossed!

Hi! I just wanted to ask if you'll be continuing your Bachelorette recaps? I love them!

Even as I type this during a commercial break, I continue to toil away at the recaps. I continue for several reasons:

1) I finish what I start and I started this, and I’m gonna finish it GD it.

2) The tiny community of Bachelor/ette lovers we have here from across the world is something I never even imagined when I started this blog for my friends a few years ago. I feel connected to you all and, frankly, indebted. Disappointing you would be rough stuff.

3) I have nowhere else to place my rage, frustrations, confusion, amusement, and a tiny belief that “the process works” but here in the vast depths of tumblr. And damn if it doesn't feel GREAT.

In short: they are on their way!

Accurate and Astute Analogies:

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Joey Richter is to Andrew Garfield, as Steve Urkel is to Stefan Urquelle. Discuss!

[heart]BREAKING NEWS: The Bachelorette's Emily Maynard and Jef Holm SPLIT

Love is dead.

Well, their love is dead, at least. As followers of the blog remember, we all spent a significant amount of time together last summer following the trials and tribulations of one Emily Maynard in her quest to find lasting true love in a husband and father for her little girl Ricki.

At the finale, all our hearts swelled as she chose Jef Holm, the hip, formerly Mormon entrepreneur of a fresh water charity (link to it here. because fresh water is the only thing more important that true love) with hair high as the heavens and features like an Elvin Prince.

But now, after a few weeks of hushed rumors that the lovebirds were no longer flocking together, Team Jem has officially released statements confirming our worst fears.

I am a realistic person. I realize that the track record of success in the Bachelor franchise is a terrible, terrible track record. I also acknowledge that the ridiculous circumstances of the show don't exactly lend themselves to preparing couples for a real-world relationship after you've scaled mountains together and had private concerts from EFFING DOLLY PARTON.

But the reason we all watched and rooted for our girl Emily was because they got us to care. We cared about her. And I am so so sad that she has once again come up short. The only thing we can do now is hold our loved ones dear until January rolls around and we can have the same thrilling experience when Sean is our Bachelor.

Click here for the Entertainment Weekly story and official statements from both Emily and Jef.

RIP LOVE. And best of luck to Emily Maynard and her adorable moppet.

The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Guys this is a lot of hours of tv I've recapped in the last three days. I've spread it out over the week, but really I hunkered down and did all six hours of the Bachelor within about 18 hours, and holy crap I am tired. I'm just gonna close my eyes and real quick listen to "Can't Hold Us" by Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to pump me up.

Ok. Here I am. Back and ready to go. When last we left our heroes, they were en route to the Virgin Islands for some fun in the sun and for things with Tierra to reach their boiling point.

Sean just continues to be a tame lil' rebel and breaks the rules by arriving in St. Croix with the other women as they arrive by sea plane. He departs and the ladies set up in their hotel suite and plan all the fun times they'll have. While they chirp, Tierra set up a roll-away cot in one of the rooms because she's "not friends with girls who like her boyfriend." And needs space to focus on Sean. This is all completely normal and healthy behavior that is only to be expected of a woman mature and at a place in her life where she's ready to get married. JUST KIDDING TIERRA IS FULL BLOWN PSYCHO CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW THIS PANS OUT.

AshLee gets the first one-on-one date. She’s super excited because the card said “let’s get carried away” and she “always gets carried away with Sean. If not physically, then emotionally.” Don’t let him physically carry you places, Ashlee. Be your own woman.

Tierra sings a nice little song called “the cougar’s back in town” about AshLee and how at 32, she is so old she’s useless to society and wonders what’s wrong with AshLee that a modern, independent woman with a successful career is not yet married and the mother of many babies.

There is no rose on the one-on-one because HOLY CRAP, the hometown dates are next week. Things are heating up! Where has the time gone? Let’s get Tierra the f*ck out of here, Sean!

As the cameras pan over AshLee stripping down to her bikini, Sean voices over how proud he was that AshLee let him blindfold her in Canada and show her vulnerability like only someone who planned a stunt down to a tee can. They take a catamaran out to their own private island for fun in the sun sexy times.

Cut to Lesley, Catherine, Dez, and Lindsay cackling like crows and discussing what else, Tierra. It’s an accurate and candid moment of girls talking about another girl behind her back. Then AshLee on the beach (while it drizzles? Is it raining?) tells Sean the details of why they don’t like Tierra and what her problems are. It’s pretty straight forward, and honest, not cruel. And he seems to take it kind of well? I’m not sure. His simple mind is hard to read.

When Tierra FINALLY gets her one-on-one date card, she is none too pleased to discover that they’ll be walking the streets of St. Croix. I mean the bugs are attacking her and her (METRIC TON OF) makeup dripping off doesn’t sound special enough. Tierra Hulk about to make appearance.

AshLee wears a crop top and floral sarong (???) to the ocean-side dinner with Sean. He immediately asks a hard-hitter, if there’s anything they haven’t covered about her family that they need to. Dramatic pause. She has a bomb to drop and they drag out that dropping as long as possible.

Turns out AshLee is a divorcee! She got married at seventeen when she was a junior in high school and was divorced the next year! Yikes! I thought she maybe had three secret kids (no way she would’ve talked about those guys constantly) or maybe like killed a guy and went to jail for a bit. But she’s still just as ashamed as if she had killed a guy. Sean tells her he thinks she’s perfect just the way she is and that she isn’t broken. That’s nice. It’s the truth. But still nice to reiterate that being divorced in no way makes you a broken and ruined human person.

Then AshLee stands up and says, “Are you ready?” And Sean replies, “For what?” And boy, did he have no idea what was coming because AshLee then screams, “HELLO ST. CROOOOOIIIIX!” and he likes this game because he does the same thing! Then they play some more and she says, “Ready?” and he says, “For what?!” and she takes a deep breath and screams, “I LOVE SEAAAAN!” From atop her chair. On an island. On TV. Just as those words were meant to be said. God, those words just seem to be a wee bit premature.

It’s finally here, y’all: time for the Reign of Tierra’s first one-on-one date. Sean’s “got a lot of questions for her” as well he should. Remember on Emily’s season when so many of the dates just consisted of two people wandering around a strange city and shopping? This is as boring as that only worse because Tierra is here and she’s complaining all the way and demanding fig body lotion to which Sean says “I bet you like soaps and body lotions, huh?” which OH MY GOD. GREAT BANTER. GOOD FIRST DATE TALKING POINTS, YOU MIMBO.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some wine or something, but I’m just really caps-y and really giggly at how horrendous this whole this is. She is bedecked is stupid tourist trinkets that Sean (ABC) bought for her. “It means a lot” she nods to camera. No, it doesn’t.

Then there’s an impromptu parade with some locals festooned in traditional garb. Sean and Tierra dance in the street and look happy. I wish the feathered locals would carry Tierra off into the jungle and never return.

Simple Sean is incredibly confused as to how he could enjoy spending time with someone like Tierra so much, and still know all the things he knows about how everyone on planet Earth hates her. They sit down with some snow-cones to discuss just that. Tierra immediately lies her pretty little face off, then tells the cameras she will be incredibly pissed if she finds out some girl threw her under the bus.

They move onto dinner, and Tierra jumps right into setting the vibe right from earlier when she could tell Sean was turned off. “I did feel like there was a little distant from you and I don’t know what it was caused from,” Tierra tells a stone faced Sean. She is a sculptor of words. Sean admits that his distance is due to the drama with all the other girls.

Moments later, on a moonlit dock, Tierra seizes the moment to tell Sean how much she cares for him, and feels for him, then smiles showing all her teeth which is a sign of aggression in monkeys, then kisses him, then pulls him into a hug to whisper “I’m falling in love with you” and I google information about filing restraining orders on other people’s behalf. They smush face kiss a lot. He doesn’t seem into it a lot.

This next part. I can’t even. At 4:42 am Sean creeps into the girls’ room with a flashlight and a camera because he knows how much girls hate being seen without makeup, but he really wanted to see that, so he just stole their pictures upon first waking up. That is such a brilliantly horrible idea. I want to know which producer thought that up, sold it to Sean, and then actually helped carry that out. So I can punch that person.

Despite getting off to a rocky and in perhaps criminal start, this date actually sounds pretty awesome. They got up so early to race to the top of a hill to watch the sun rise from the Eastern most point in the United States, and through the day they’ll be traveling across the whole island to then watch the sun set. This is actually a love idea and fun a group activity.

The first stop on the Virgin Island road trip journey to love is a sugar mill and I’m pretty sure that’s where Sean and Tierra had their date last night so…less exciting. Then they go feed a random donkey! Then they go to a magical place called “Café” where they drink tropical drinks. Then they go to a tree house in the jungle where Dez monopolizes Sean’s time being adorable, and Lindsay and Catherine are sad about it.

They make it to the beach where they’ll watch the sunset and every girl freaks out about the rose because it means he’ll meet her family. I kind of care, but Sean is getting tan and freckly and better looking and I want to look at him more than at Lindsay cooing.

Obligatory Bachelor shot of a wild bird! They did it! Mark the calendar everybody. The wild bird shot has been completed episode 7.

Sean and Lindsay have a good beach talk about how even though she was insane and wore a wedding dress on the first night, they really like each other. While avoiding eye contact the whole time, Catherine tells Sean that if he comes home he won’t meet her dad because when she was 14 he tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters. Like, Catherine! That is relevant to your love life! That is relevant to shaping who you are as a person not a tree falling in Brooklyn! Anyways, her vulnerability and honesty make Sean like her even more. They are bunnies.

Cut to Lesley and AshLee talking sh*t about Tierra on the veranda, but Tierra can hear the whole thing! AshLee doesn’t think Tierra has the nerve to confront her, but boy is she in for a surprise.

Dez continues to be adorable by crying about how much she loves her family and wants Sean to meet them. I don’t hate her at all for this. Based on what she’s said about her upbringing, her family sounds like they are full of love and made it through hard times. Yay, Dez.

So after two heartfelt talks and one play-date, Sean gives the rose to his infant friend Lindsay. I bet she really hates having that zit right about now. The other two girls are visibly bummed out. Don’t worry girls. I think he really likes you both.

So now it’s time for Lesley’s one-on-one. Sean doesn’t want to get caught up in the glamour of a fancy Bachelor date, so he wants to take her somewhere beautiful and just talk. This does not bode well for Lesley maybe. They have a chill date wandering a ruined rum factory that has fruit trees growing all over. Intensely beautiful.

They sit down for lunch and talk about what meeting her family would be like. Lesley decides not to tell Sean she’s falling in love with him. She is so smart and lovely, but Sean is worried that she’s tense and not confident in their relationship. Even though they kiss a little, Sean thinks their relationship just moves a little slower than the others.

Due to the weight of the decisions he’ll be making this week, Sean’s sister Shay comes to town to give a little sisterly advice. This is good! Nothing like someone who cares about you to come in and level with you about the bat-shit crazy girl you’re keeping close company with.

Shay is direct and honest and I like her. She wastes no time asking tough questions like do you want to marry any of them? Have any of them told you they love you? Is there that totally sucks that is drawing you in? Shay then says the family’s worst fear would be for that last thing to happen. That the terrible girl is the one he ends up with and then he ends up getting hurt.

Tierra and AshLee throw down time! They start off seated on opposite couches, very calmly discussing their dates. Tierra tells her he was distant and knows it was AshLee who said something to him.

Oh my god this is amazing. They are overlaying AshLee and Tierra’s fight with Sean and Shay talking about how Tierra has been the name that all the other girls bring up as a bad person with bad intentions.

AshLee holds her own and manages to keep somewhat calm as she rips Tierra to shreds. Tierra FLIES off the handle and keeps brinigng up AshLee’s age into the argument. AshLee just says Tierra’s character is bad, and that’s just true. She doesn’t say “you’re a bitch”, she says she has bad character. Which I respect and like.

Shay reminds Sean that her only piece of advice going into this was “don’t end up with the girl that nobody likes.” BOOM. THIS IS SO GOOD.

The argument has moved to the budoir where Lesley and Catherine are laying on the bed intently listening to every word.

Here are just direct quote highlights from Tierra:

“Raised eyebrow?! AshLee that’s my face! I have had no botox, no nothing, so I can’t help that.”

“They said ‘Tierra you have a sparkle. Tierra you have a sparkle! Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.’” AHHHHHHHHH;LAJDFJASKLJFOWUEROADS;LFJSPARKLEAKLSJDOIEWORUAOSJDF;LAJSDFJAWIOERJAJDF;LASJDFI;AJSPARKLEEEEE

“I can’t control my eyebrow! I cannot! I cannot control what’s on my face 24/7!”

Ok so now Sean thinks he should go grab Tierra and maybe Shay will see something he doesn’t see. This is perfect. This is too good.

Sean arrives to find all the girls sitting in their living room silently, and goes to look for Tierra. When he finds her she is crying with her head down, so he says her name to get her attention and she FLIPS her head and ponytail up like a jack-in-the-box. I cackled so hard, y’all.

Sean is all “wtf?” with why she’s acting like this. He’s like “let’s go meet someone” and she’s like “I’m so sensitive and special. This is so hard for me.” As she sits there crying and using words like “sabotage” we see the realization hit him like a semi-truck. Shay doesn’t need to meet her anymore because he all of the sudden totally gets it. This is a crazy person, and most importantly, not the crazy person who deserves his love!

She cries some more, and Sean tells her to sit tight and walks away. “This is turning into a nightmare,” he tells us. He is thinking as hard as his little brain will let him think about all this.

He comes back in and says tells her how he wanted her to meet his sister, so she obviously starts sobbing and clings to him with all her tiny strength. He then says that because he cares so much about her, he thinks it would be best if she goes home now. Yes, Sean. Yes, Sean. Yes, yes, Sean. Positive decision making skills under fire!

He walks her down the resort path of doom and asks, “are you gonna be ok?” to which she crinkles up her face like a troll and says “No. I’m not.” Yes you are, dummy. Everyone ends up ok. As soon as he slams the van door shut she sobs out, “I can’t believe they did this to me!” Oh sweetie, you did this all to yourself.

As the rose ceremony begins, none of the women have any idea what has happened to Tierra or what is going on. They speculate wildly, not knowing he’s completed their dreams. Sean tells them what happened and then clarified that he did not like drama and stared AshLee in the face. She freaks the eff out. He decides to go straight into the rose ceremony with no talking beforehand.

With Lindsay already safe, there are only three roses to go out for the hometown dates. He calls Dez first. Then Catherine gets her rose. We have the front runners. Now it’s last rose time. Down to Lesley and AshLee. He picks AshLee. In the moment we cut to Lesley, she looks sad and young. She has years ahead of her. She’ll be fine.

Weirdly, Catherine is really upset because she doesn’t understand why he’d send Lesley home when they have so much in common. I don’t know, Catherine. Don’t question it too hard?

THAT’S IT! THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE. I am done. I’m gonna go eat food and watch some scripted TV. I’ll be back on regular schedule next week, until then, keep journeying, journeyers.

The Bachelor - Episode 9 Recap

Buckle up everyone! It's going to be a bumpy ride! The final few weeks are often the most wrought with emotion, but also the time when it gets harder and harder to fill a two-hour time slot. So let’s see what happens when the gang goes to Thailand and some “suite” cards are laid on the table.

We arrive in the terribly specific “South of” Thailand where Sean describes it as “something out of a movie”. I assume because he has seen movies with his eyes and probably never read books with his brain to compare the scenery to.

Sean thinks about the week to come as he sits on a boat, then walks across the beach, then does a quick change into a tank top to think about the week as he walks through the hotel, then a rock garden, then while lying in a hammock. Sean thinks about Catherine while sitting in front of a fountain. Sean thinks about AshLee while looking off into the middle distance. Sean thinks about Lindsay while walking across the beach! So much thinking and recapping he has to do! He even has to think about it while going for a dip in the pool!

The name of the place they’re staying is Si Kao, and it’s pronounced Sea Cow and that is HILARIOUS stuff right there. Lindsay comes barreling out of the hotel in five inch platform heels and seafoam skirt. Lindsay is excited to tell Sean at their date tonight that she is “in fact” in love with him. Because falling in love with him is NOT ENOUGH for this show.

They get to walk around a cool, local market. They try all sorts of fruits and treats and see cute clothes. Sean remembers Lindsay saying that she’s up for trying anything, but she won’t eat a bug. So he beelines for the bug stand as soon as he sees it. They try a grub and a grasshopper. She doesn’t like it, but Sean is so brave that she manages to do it for him. Isn’t that sweet and codependent?

“I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage,” Sean tells us of Lindsay. I can’t even start with all the problems. First of all, what? Secondly, like are you trying to get back what you had with your high school sweetheart or? What? Seriously, I don’t get this. What?

They sit on the beach and discuss how good their relationship is. “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for,” he tells her. I don’t know why, guys, but I’m calling it right here that Sean picks Lindsay. That’s right. My official prediction is that Sean picks the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night.

As the sun sets over “Yong Ling Beach” or “monkey beach” as the helpful scroll tells us, the happy couple help destroy the delicate ecosystem of Thailand by feeding grapes to the monkeys who live there. The monkeys are cute, but my God, people. This is not the way we’re going to save our planet! Don’t give wild monkeys grapes!!! I just hope you washed your dirty little paws.

We do get some spectacular shots of Sean and Lindsay kissing in the water while a monkey eats some grapes, though. Bless, monkeys and camera people, bless.

Dinner takes place in front of spangley, sparkly, blinking Thai floats and flowers made of petals around their little dais. It’s very beautiful if a little garish, but hey, what’s this show if not a little garish? They continue having fun and just talking about why they like each other. Sean also brings up her moving to Dallas, being engaged, picking out a house. These are specific and serious topics. He likes her big time!

She repeats a few times that she takes this all “very serious” and when it comes to family and love she takes it “very serious”. This woman is a teacher, everyone. This woman who doesn’t understand how to even SPEAK with proper grammar and adverb use could be teaching your children. WOE TO THE FUTURE WHERE GRAPE CRAZED MONKEYS AND INARTICULATE CHILDREN SHALL RULE.

Just as she’s getting the gumption to say the words “I love you” to a man contractually obligated not to say them back, a traditional parade of Thai dancers and musicians trounce out. Lindsay is awestruck and keeps asking how to say “thank you” which I appreciate. I like that she is soaking up the culture and trying very hard to be polite.

The moment of truth arrives! Sean hands Lindsay the fantasy suite card, and she struggles through reading it out loud. Lindsay takes no time in accepting the fantasy suite.  FINALLY, when they get in the suite, she hems and haws and squeaks out that she loves Sean. The music swells. I am underwhelmed.

AshLee is up next. She is positively bursting with joy to be here with the love of her life and can’t stop proclaiming how wonderful he makes her feel. They set sail on a big old boat to get somewhere special. I love boats and taking boat rides so much, y’all. AshLee would be content to be on that boat all day and so would I, girl, so would I. But JUST KIDDING! No more relaxing fun for you. Sean is putting you through yet another Fear Factor of Love and making you relinquish control by having him blindly navigate you through a sea cave to get to a private beach.

Have you guys ever seen the movie “The Beach” with Leonardo Dicaprio and Tilda Swinton? There’s a legend about this pristine beach off the coast of Thailand, and Leo really wants to find it. So they finally find it after many trials and live there in this nutso hippie commune and Tilda Swinton is, shocker, totally bazoo, and everything comes crashing down after there is a shark attack and no one can get the injured parties to help fast enough? Yeah so basically that’s all I was thinking about while they got through the cave and finally to the beach.  It is a terrible movie, and this is an equally terrible thing to do to a girl.

In true Bachelor fashion, both Sean and AshLee manage to make being lost in a pitch black sea cave a metaphor for being in a relationship. “I want to prove to her that I can get her to safety without a problem,” Sean assures us. Yeah, ok, great, good thing you need to constantly prove your manhood.

Over dinner, four blinking boats at harbor watch over their wee beach cabana. They talk about why they like each other and how much AshLee loves him.  When the card is presented, AshLee is hesitant. Sean lays out his intentions to use the time to just be alone and talk with no distractions. She is concerned about how things will be perceived, but she ends up accepting.

In the suite they talk about their relationship and how far they’ve come. AshLee tells him exactly what she wants in an engagement ring which makes me cringe. Don’t jinx yourself, lady. Don’t get too far ahead of him!

Catherine has the final date of the week. She adorably comes running up behind him and adorably surprises him with a kiss hello. They get to go for one long big boat ride! They get to go on one of those fancy Asian boats with the big red sails. Am I painting you a picture with my words?

The first thing we see is Catherine screaming “I’m the queen of the world!” from the bow of the ship. Come on Catherine. You and I both know you’re better than that. But they lay down for some heart to heart and talk about how Catherine is totally herself, weirdness and all, in front of Sean. He kisses her head about four times while she’s talking. He likes her too! She’s so cute I can’t handle it. Damn you, Catherine! Let’s be friends!

They have an actual conversation about their future and where they’re both at in terms of wanting to settle down. I like the two of them together you guys. I don’t want to think Sean’s going to pick Lindsay because I think he should pick Catherine!

“Snorkeling. Is. Awesome,” is all Sean has to say about how awesome snorkeling is. The two of them can’t get over how much they like each other. They kiss in the rain and guess what we see? Way too much of Sean’s tongue, that’s what.

Over dinner, Sean asks her more questions about their future. Catherine gives the textbook answers about marriage and kids. She goes on to explain her hesitations about the fantasy suite, and he reassures her about his “intentions” one more time. She accepts!

Catherine gets the best fantasy suite because hers has a little mini pool for swimming and sexy times. She actually has a nice, sincere moment where she tells him that she’s been a little insecure in her life and that she feels totally comfortable around him. He says, “I’m the lucky one!” That is nice. They have a good time. Catherine says journey.

We are reminded of the fact that this is the point at which Emily sent Sean home last time. Sean feels like he’s resolved as to who he’s sending home, and feels confident all through his conversation with Chrarrison. His baby blues almost tear up even as he talks about sending this “sweet” woman home. But, at the end of the day, Sean does see himself getting down on one knee because he is in love with at least one of the women here.

Chrarrison pulls that same video message crap that they pulled last season. Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee leave emotional and awkward video messages for Sean about just how much he means to her. It is torture to sit through. Sean tears up at all three, but especially during AshLee’s very emotional proclamation about how together they are whole. He isn’t smiling though. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Things look bad. AshLee looks good though. Her dress is boob-tacular.

Moment of truth. Chrarrison gives a somber speech. Sean gives a somber speech about how blindsided he was when Emily sent him home and how sorry he is to be doing the same to one of these women. The first rose goes out to Lindsay, so AshLee and Catherine must wait in agony to find out if their hearts will be shattered. It’s the longest pause in the history of the Bachelor, but finally, quietly he calls Catherine’s name.

The look on AshLee’s face is one that you might see on a person about to kill or seriously maim another person. She is livid. She silently walks out of the rose ceremony as Lindsay whispers, “she looks pissed”. Sean follows and tries to start giving his speech, but AshLee turns right around and says, “Just stay here,” and keeps walking towards the car.

She eventually relents and lets him explain himself. He seriously looks like he’s going to puke as he tears up and tries to explain what’s going on and does a TERRIBLE job at giving her closure. “I think the world of you,” are some pretty effing hollow words, my man. “This wasn’t some silly game to me,” AshLee spits out in the van, “This wasn’t some joyride about joking and laughter and fun.” I believe her 100%, but I think that might’ve also been part of the problem. It would not kill Ash to lighten up just a little. She turns away from the cameras as the real tears start to flow, and we get a pull-away shot of Sean with his head in his hands.

Well, wasn’t that nice and depressing? Real-live heartbreak piped straight into your living room! No matter! Next week is the Women Tell All, and after this season, it is shaping up to be the most dramatic one ever. I mean we’ve got Tierra, we’ve got Amanda, we’ve got Desiree, we’ve got poor one-armed Sarah who should be my friend! It’s gonna be bad, and it’s gonna be so, so good. See you for the juiciness next week, y’all!

Henley Monday - 

Hi folks! Here at Henley Monday I thought I'd start to throw some new players into the game in order to give you even greater perspective as to how universally attractive the henley is.

As such, here is Marat Safin, currently a Russian politician, but more appropriately a former pro-tennis player. Can you imagine a human person being more adorable and sexy at the same time than Marat is being here? His little sweater henley and his whole-face smile and what I imagine are his sinewy forearms.

Good stuff. Spasibo for this Marat, spasib bolshoe.

Female Empowerment Friday -

Today’s song is from Emeli Sande, one of my absolute favorite new female artists. She is straight up amazing. This song is one of my favorites to blast while I’m getting ready to go out because it makes me feel unstoppable and so affirmed! So do the same! Close your eyes and do a little dancing and let yourself feel full of life and wonder and fearlessness!

Her entire debut album “Our Version of Events” is fantastic as well. I highly recommend that for further listening throughout the day and your life in general.

Henley Monday -

As you've come to know and expect, on holiday weekends your weekly dosage of henley comes to you on Tuesday, the actual Monday of the week. I hope you all enjoyed Presidents Day as much as the furniture stores did and relished the long break from your monotonous work life.

I'm not sure about the weather where you're at, but today in Chicago it is positively frigid. While walking across the river this morning, the wind was so strong that it PUSHED ME. It physically PUSHED ME ASIDE. I was not pleased. I was not warm. My whole body was feeling the absolute absence of warmth.

David Beckham is the embodiment of heat, however. He is smoldering hot in the face and in the hair and in the body and in this henley. Look at that man in that henley! He would NEVER let me get so cold I couldn't feel my toes. Bless him.