Zosan Germa Prince Au Masterlist

chasing ghosts

homestuck penis ouija: tntduo edition

QUACKITY: Ok8y, look, it’s perfectly simple.  KAHRRL: oh NO you ARE not DRAWING another SHIPPING grid DUDE QUACKITY: No no no, it’s not 8 grid, just 8 schedule.  KAHRRL: look WE’VE already ESTABLISHED that YOU’RE going TO end UP flushed FOR everyone JUST deal WITH it QUACKITY: No no no I’m gonna m8ke this WORK WILBUR: No, that’s a grid. You’re drawing a god damn grid. This is a shipping grid.  QUACKITY: Ok8y LOOK HERE QUACKITY: These 8re the d8ys of the week. We e8ch h8ve rows for those d8ys 8nd we c8n dr8w 8 he8rt, sp8de, or di8mond for 8ny given d8y.  QUACKITY: M8ybe even 8 club since K8hrrl 8nd I 8re in the m8rket for 8 new 8uspictice KAHRRL: OH my GOD QUACKITY: Th8t w8y, we know wh8t’s up in 8dv8nce 8nd c8n 8void 8ny possible conflicts. 

WILBUR: Put the fucking pen down.  QUACKITY: Hey, cut it out! Don’t touch me! WILBUR: Do not draw a shipping grid, do NOT do it.  QUACKITY: It’s not 8 shipping grid, you bulge ch8fing fuck8ss!  WILBUR: You are not drawing a shipping grid to organize our fucking dating lives.  WILBUR: That is— that is some bullshit, man.  WILBUR: Absolute bullshit, I will not stand for it

QUACKITY: This is not 8 shipping grid, this is 8 schedule to org8nize our qu8dr8nts! It’s 8 useful tool! WILBUR: You’re not drawing anything that even REMOTELY resembles a grid.  WILBUR: Do not draw an arrangement of squares or otherwise interlocking polygons QUACKITY: LET GO!!!!!!!! KAHRRL: oh MY god WILBUR: You will not draw a spreadsheet for the purpose of allocating mine and Kahrrl’s time spent with a potential mutual boyfriend.  WILBUR: That is exactly the shit I do not want to see  QUACKITY: Oh look, I just drew 8 squ8re! Get re8dy to see 8 lot more of those! WILBUR: No stop WILBUR: Do not draw any more squares I swear to god! WILBUR: Do not draw any quadrilaterals or trapezoids or rectangles or fucking n-drangles and especially as fuck not any god damned RHOMBUSES  WILBUR: I don’t want to see your lines making ANY right angles, do you understand? QUACKITY: Oh look 8nother squ8re! 8 bit wobbly but it’ll do.  WILBUR: That is the perfect example of what you should NOT be drawing.  QUACKITY: W8 here it comes! My first “ship” going into the squ8re! WILBUR: Put the fucking pen down! QUACKITY: OW! Wh8t is your problem? WILBUR: Does Sapnap know you’re doing this? QUACKITY: He will! WILBUR: How presumptuous of you to think he might be okay with being tossed into your bullshit shipping grid just because you decided to be “normal human boyfriends” now QUACKITY: Well I h8ven’t put his n8me on the grid yet, h8ve I? WILBUR: I am absolutely stunned that he understands human romance better than you do. Put the pen down, you’re messing up Ranboo’s book. 

QUACKITY: No! WILBUR: Do it QUACKITY: You suck! WILBUR: I haven’t sucked a single thing in my life what are you on about QUACKITY: You smell! WILBUR: Don’t talk to me about rank smells when you smell like a— like a fucking barn!  WILBUR: Yeah, I said it! QUACKITY: My lusus dr8gged in things th8t smelled better th8n you! QUACKITY: 8nd everything he brought home w8s either 8 de8d 8nim8l or liter8l feces! WILBUR: Yeah well that’s dumb and stupid just like you now gimme the pen QUACKITY: No, it’s mine now. I’m keeping it.  WILBUR: Quackity! Whoa, man what are you doing? WILBUR: Why are you drawing all these human dicks? WILBUR: How do you even know what they look like? What have you been watching??  QUACKITY: I 8M NOT DR8WING THOSE! YOU’RE M8KING ME DR8W THEM, STOP TH8T!!!!!!!! WILBUR: No way, this book is now like…  WILBUR: Our fight fueled ouija board of cock QUACKITY: 88888888RGH STOP!  QUACKITY: DON'T  QUACKITY: NO FUCK  QUACKITY: OK NO  QUACKITY: YOU DREW TH8T ONE  QUACKITY: YOU DREW TH8T ONE!!!! DON'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T!  WILBUR: Are you sure man? WILBUR: See, that’s the spooky thing about penis ouija. You can never be sure who did the dicks.  WILBUR: Was it you or me or maybe a ghoooost??? QUACKITY: GIVE ME B8CK THE PEN! WILBUR: What? No, this is a fucking masterpiece.  WILBUR: We have to see this through.  WILBUR: We’re running out of room. Hey Kahrrl, can you turn the page for us?

QUACKITY: 88888888HHHHHH!!!!!!!! QUACKITY: This 8lterc8ion is becoming uncomfort8bly physic8l, get the FUCK 8w8y from me!!!!!!!! WILBUR: What the hell are you talking about? QUACKITY: You know EX8CTLY wh8t I’m t8lking 8bout!!!!!!!! WILBUR: Oh, shut up and draw another penis.  QUACKITY: You don’t even underst8nd the soci8l implic8ions of 8ll this hostile touching 8nd gr8bbing, do you? QUACKITY: THIS IS SO CLE8RLY C8LIGINOUS SOOT, JUST 8CKNOWLEDGE IT!!!!!!!! WILBUR: Well, if you want to look at it that way, then be my guest.  WILBUR: This is a common human ritual, don’t you know? It means we literally couldn’t give less of a fuck about each other. I don’t care about what you think is happening here.  QUACKITY: GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!!!! WILBUR: Stop biting my jacket.  QUACKITY: FUFCK NYOUF.  WILBUR: We’ve really made a masterpiece here today, Quackity. You should be proud of yourself QUACKITY: OK8Y, TH8T’S IT. I’M FUCKING SICK OF THIS!

WILBUR: What? WILBUR: WHOA SHIT QUACKITY: His Honour8ble Tyr8nny h8s sentenced you to life in j8cket prison. WILBUR: HNFNGMGNHNFN WILBUR: KAHRRL HELP KAHRRL: SORRY man IM not MEDIATING this F*CKING trash FIRE youre ON your OWN

cw: nsfw ;)

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these two is the type of therapy i never thought i needed

Tried a new pen to sketch | diff style? Probs cuz of pen and the ref I used ah

sorry for lazy posting

im just really busy with school

Japanese!AU

I did it!

awkward hug with an awkward height difference

god created man to be penetrated

Food Crime: Frosty the Slawman

so a while ago, I saw this photo going around on tumblr:

at first, I thought this was photoshopped. I mean, "welcome new man in your life"? that feels like a translation error, or someone being silly on purpose.

but guess what! turns out, Frosty Slaw Man is real!

and soon...he will be mine. let's get cooking

(full disclosure: I crafted this snowman and took notes about it over a year ago. and then, like with many things in my life, I forgot about him, and let him drift into the ADHD void of Things I'm Not Currently Staring At, where object permanence is tentative and largely unrealized.

but here we are! and here he is: the slaw man. it's time to share him with you, so that you can suffer as I have suffered, and/or rejoice in my gelatin creation!)

so this recipe photo originally came from Mid-Century Menu (archive link), a blog that seems like one after my own heart, and which once tried to make the Slaw Man (with not much success; but we'll get back to that)! but it's not just that blog that has copies of this ad. I also found it on reddit, and in a few different places on ebay!

lookit that guy! he's a real guy!

both the reddit post and some of the ebay listings say that this is from 1963 (though I haven't been able to figure out which magazines it was printed in, to confirm this for myself). but in looking this up, I discovered something else fun! there's another version of this ad!

Best Foods is what Hellmann's stuff is called on the west coast, and the "this is no place for second best" thing makes a lot more sense when you consider that the ad was probably made for Best Foods first, and then just reused and rebranded for the east coast

the more you know!

anyway the benefit of finding this alternate ad is that the scan on this image is a lot clearer, and so the recipe is more readable! and in looking at it, I've realized something important:

when Mid-Century Menu tried this recipe, they got an ingredient amount wrong.

when they made their beloved Slaw Man, they had the water amount written down as 1/4 cup, but looking at this scan up close, it is actually 3/4 cup of water! something that might make a significant difference, considering we're working with gelatin!

(there's also another change I want to make compared to what they did, when I do this recipe. but we'll get into that in a sec.)

for now: we begin

so. there's no way I'm making a Slaw Man this large. I am just one person, and considering the ingredients of this, I don't think I'm going to be able to consume that much Slaw.

two entire heads of cabbage? three pounds of cottage cheese, a thing that I don't even like to eat? no. that's a bad idea.

so I'm starting small here and making this 1/3 the size of the original:

2 packets of unflavored gelatin 1/4 cup cold water 1 cup mayo 1 tsp salt 1lb cottage cheese 4 cups shredded cabbage

surely this will result in a reasonable amount of Man

...okay, I started chopping the cabbage thinking it would be easier, but I've given up and pulled out a grater. this is much better! and somehow more violent (affectionate)

the recipe says to soften the gelatin in cold water, and then stir over hot water until it's dissolved. I'm going to assume "stir over hot water" means a double boiler, so let's do that

hmmm, the gelatin is very foamy? it’s melted, but the bottom of the pot feels really....sticky

okay. after a couple minutes more and no change, I’m calling this good enough.

so one thing that others who have attempted this recipe have not taken into consideration is the cottage cheese. you see, the others used normal cottage cheese, but the recipe says to use "cottage cheese, cream style"

I’ll be real, I’m not 100% what that means, since we don’t have that here. but I can take an educated guess! so let’s blend the cottage cheese!

(with an immersion blender. I am not willing to wash an actual blender because of this)

mmm, yes. very smooth

...actually. why isn't all cottage cheese like this? the thing I hate about cottage cheese is the texture, so why isn't it all smooth and creamy like this?? I could eat this!!

a new discovery is made every day in this house.

okay, time to start mixing things together.

ah, frosty. I opened a whole new thing of mayo for you! do you feel special?

(I'd make a "pre-dinner snack?" joke, but sometimes I think I'm the only one that remembers Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time)

okay, the mayo, cottage cheese, and salt have been added to the gelatin. but as this cools, the texture is getting...hmm. less than appealing.

lastly: the cabbage

oh. oh this is not very nice

next it says to pack the "salad" into a one pound container, and two six-cup bowls, but since I made this recipe so much smaller, I'm going to uhhhh. uh. find some bowls that seem like they'd be correct...snowman? proportions?

ah. this bowl is too big.

hey, these'll work!

now I just have to let them chill for a while, and continue another day.

(edit from current!me: ahhh oh my god I forgot this was pretty soon after we adopted Jackie! look at these cat pics that I took while I was food crime-ing!

look at them having their little interactions! Knuckles was trying so hard to be friends with her! I love them)

hello! two days later and we are ready to assemble the slawman. and my sibling has started referring to him as "frosty: attorney at slaw", so that's fun.

I've done a thing where, as these set, I flipped them around in the bowl so that hopefully they'd be more round. we'll see if they actually stay like this.

I have also made some decorations for him out of peppers, olives, and carrots!

let's build our boy

oh he's so heavy. and wobbly

no no no he almost fell over!!

okay. he's fine. but more skewers were needed.

and...okay. he is complete.

behold!

gaze upon my beautiful man!

(he is not structurally sound! he wobbles unsteadily as I rotate him! there are already cracks forming in the gelatin around where his arms are! don't worry about it!)

 now it's time to stab him

and...to devour him

this tastes like...a bland coleslaw? and not even that. it's just sort of a salty, cottage cheese-y cabbage. the ingredients don't combine to become something greater, they simply...sit there. like this.

and the texture is...mmm. it's not a jello kind of texture, but it is a bit squashy in a way that's mildly strange.

it's very creamy once it softens in your mouth.

...I don't like this!

and look! taking just that one chunk from him was enough to destabilize him entirely :(

RIP frosty. now I just have to see if I can eat all of you before you go bad.

(note from current!me: I could not.

 I ate maybe half of him over the course of many days, often adding other stuff to him to try to add some flavor: bacon, frozen peas, cheese, etc. but even with that, I just couldn't stomach him.

after a while I stuck what was left of him in the freezer, hoping that maybe I'd find the will to consume the rest of him some other day.

do you know what a frozen-and-then-thawed mixture of cabbage, cottage cheese, mayo, and gelatin looks and tastes like?

bad. the answer is: bad.

I threw him out pretty quickly after thawing him.

do not try this recipe at home)