Pride 🌈

List of movies I want to watch but cannot find ANYWHERE

Billy Elliott

Vita and Virginia

Looking for Langston

Rafiki

you know what I've gradually come to realize? you don't have to be good at things to do them. you don't have to be good at studying to want to learn; you don't have to be good at remembering to want to read; you don't have to be good at dancing to dance (and have solo dance parties in the middle of the night); you don't have to be good at singing to sing (and serenade your best friends while drunk); you don't have to be good at following the rules of a language to write; you don't have to be good at art to create art (or paint in children's coloring books); you don't have to be good at relationships to love; you don't have to good at staying updated on the appropriate terms to use to care about humans and social justice; and you don't have to be good at being a person to live.

I hold so much bitterness towards adults and I'm sure it's unhealthy, but yeah. Like, I hate the way they treat their kids, I hate the way they're so hypocritical, I hate the way they think they can say anything and not be held accountable for the hurt they've caused just because they're parents or family members, I hate the way they consider it selfish for their children to tell them how certain things they did left an impact on them, I hate how adults seem to want to teach their kids how to live in the world and treat other people, but they themselves treat their kids like trash, without kindness or compassion, I hate how adults purposely say things which are aimed at making their kids feel bad, I hate how adults think that they can justify taking advantage of the kid's vulnerability for whatever reason (for the "greater good" or "for your own good" or whatever), I hate how adults are so mean and rude to their children, I hate how they use terrible language and say horrible, horrible things just because they're sad or upset and then go on about as if they said nothing bad, I hate how adults expect their kids to talk to them and be free with them, but at the same time, judge them or mock them or brush them away when they do; I hate how adults seem to think they own their children, how they seem to think they can silence them; I hate how adults say "this is my house", taking away the sense, the feeling of "home" from the child - because if it is their house only, because they built it, what is it to their child? What is their child to that house? Isn't it supposed to be a home, and not a house that belongs to just one person? ; anyway, I hate how adults are not reliable or trustworthy and nearly never nice, I hate how adults tell their kids they want to die because their kid is too much, I hate how adults think parents/family members get a free pass for everything and anything they say or do.

i love lgbt people with bpd or other identity disturbance disorders because its like… its so difficult to know where you fit in in this world when your brain is telling you to change who you are every single day, when your brain is telling you one thing this day and the other thing the next day, when you are constantly filled with the desire to reinvent yourself.

it is difficult even as a non-lgbt person, but when you have this identity thats supposed to be static but doesnt feel static to you at all then its just all the harder, you feel like youre faking but you deep down know that youre not, yet your labels keep changing and it makes it hard to convince the outside world of who you are and to convince them to take you seriously

all my love goes out to us lgbt people with identity disturbance disorders, we struggle so hard but itll get easier with time

How many reminders is too many annoying reminders?

I feel like there's no point to anything. The only thing I do everyday, the entire day, is stay on my phone or my laptop or sleep or eat, nothing else. I feel so drained and demotivated and just so empty.

me, @ the updated version of wattpad : 🎶 this house don't feel like home 🎶

Tw suicide

How do you tell your family that the reason you can't think from their perspective that you're hurting family or that you're wrong is because you can't balance in the middle ground between - "you're wrong you just don't understand me why can't you try and understand me" and "I'm wrong I just should kms everyone would be better off if I just kms". There is literally no middle ground, I'll either tip onto on side or the other WHY DONT YOU GET IT

Warning for mention of abuse and wanting to die :

I used to be an abusive friend when I was in 5th/6th grade. My friends used to always replace me with new friends, I'd always be left being, always the second choice, sometimes never the choice during my younger ages, so when I formed friendships and best friends in 4th/5th/6th and so on, I used to be a bad friend. I would pinch and threaten and hurt my best friend saying that she couldn't be best friends with someone else if she still wanted to be friends with me; I'd throw a tantrum and lose my temper at almost my entire class if they didn't play games the way I wanted during P.E; I used to lose my temper quickly and yell and shout and even get violent when I couldn't deal with my emotions; my memory is so messed up right now, but I remember that my mother used to have issues with my paternal grandma and she would take out her anger and emotions out on me when I was a child. She once destroyed a fancy pen my dad bought for me - who used to be at work a lot of the time - and I screamed and yelled and gosh, it was horrible. My grandparents used to say that I was the most disobedient child they'd ever met and that they wished they were rather dead than see me; my uncle once told me that he'd rather have anyone else as his niece/nephew rather than me. And people used to make all these comments which were super hurtful and I used to be scolded so much by everybody and being a disobedient child, everyone was angry at me at one point or the other. I used to be criticized for my voice, because it's a little high pitched and my family would scold me and mock me and keep telling me to stop speaking like a baby, they'd also scold me for tiny tiny things and make super harsh comments.

I guess everything together, like water droplets forming an ocean, messed up my emotions.

The only reason I'm saying the following is because I'm anonymous and the guilt is killing me, making me feel like I deserve to die and deserve to be abused and deserve nothing good and I feel sick - I used to take my anger out when I was in the first grade, 6 years or so, on my pet dog. I used to pull his tail and ears and sometimes hit him and fuck fuck fuck fuck, I I can't. Ididn't know how to deal with emotions, all I knew was how to explode and I'd take out my emotions on my dog and I've been feeling guilty and sick and absolutely disgusted at myself for the past years and I feel like I should hurt myself to make up for the hurt I caused him and every time anyone mentions him- we were super close otherwise, he was my bestest best friend - I feel like crying and punishing myself. My heart aches and my tummy clenchesclenches and fuck, I can't. Please please please please forgive me, please let me tell me how to atone for this please please please somebody. I wrote a letter apologising and kept in in his grave when he passed away, I still can't help but sob when I think about him and I'm sobbing as I'm typing this because I love him so much so so so so much and I showed him love, but I also hurt him and he must feel so betrayed so confused that somebody who loves him and who he loved hurt him and my heart feels like it's being torn open and hot lava is being poured inside.

Anyway, um, my bpd...

There are so many things, so I'll just type it out in bullet points (warning for mention of self harm and suicidal ideation) :

1. Not being able to express certain emotions properly because they're labeled as "negative/toxic" and are seen as a trademark of people with BPD, such as jealousy or anger. So I have to try extra hard to portray anything close to these emotions because I don't want to be seen as manipulative or toxic.

2. Feeling like having a mental breakdown at the TINIEST things - even a small criticism, or a small, passing harsh comment could ruin my day and make me want to self harm. Sometimes even results in suicidal ideation.

3. Feeling so numb, all the time. Feeling like there's no motivation to do anything. Feeling like I need somebody to tell me what to do, to make me do stuff all the time. The feeling of emptiness, hollowness sucks and I rarely feel any emotion completely.

4. Feeling like I hate somebody and that I don't need them in my life (even if I cognitively know it's untrue) if they say something that wasn't what I wanted to hear, or wasn't the right thing to say, or if it was a passing remark. That feeling of betrayal and that they never loved me or understood in the first place, that they don't care about me. The feeling that people are temporary and replaceable and disposable which has formed as a defense mechanism.

5. Intense emotions, oh gosh, sometimes I "overreact" for the tiniest things and have outbursts which I regret and don't even make sense later on. A deep rage fills me and my head just wipes out and I don't even realise what's coming out of my mouth, I can't think before I speak, or wait before I type.

6. The guilt, fuck, the guilt. It makes me feel like a horrible person and it consumes me and I feel like I need to punish myself, I deserve to not be loved because of the kind of person I am.

7. The jealousy and possessiveness. Not only over people, but over pets and toys and other things too, such as favorite books and actors and characters and songs. I don't know if this possessiveness (this feeling of they're my safe thing/person etec) is a symptom of bpd.