You Know What I've Gradually Come To Realize? You Don't Have To Be Good At Things To Do Them. You Don't

I'm walking around the house braless and my grandma was whining about it and I asked her - in a very jokey/teesy tone - why she had a problem with it when I didn't, and that it was my body anyway, she was like I don't like you staying here, what about that then - what will you say to that. And I'm so fucking angry and upset and so, so done. I hate adults. I hate adults. I hate adults. They're insensitive, cruel and self centered.

Function and Mechanism of Patriarchy in the Play

Before beginning my essay, I would like to add a warning, since it talks about matters that might be triggering to some - such as sexual harassment and rape.

Everything, from the clothes we wear to the work we do is gendered; the way we talk, the way we sit, what we study, what we don't study is all gendered. Gender roles and norms dictate our actions, define our personality and act as a moral rulebook for the society. All this is supported and perpetuated by a system of oppression, widely common and sadly normalised by all of us. Patriarchy, to put simply, is - "a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it"; it ranges from sexist microaggressions, such as jokes about how women belong in the kitchen and how women can't drive, to violent misogynistic acts such as female foeticide and honor killings.

Girls are taught to be quiet, to not talk until spoken to, to make their presence unknown and to shrink themselves to fit into society, so that they grow up to "wife material". The conditioning they undergo since childhood grooms them to be the "perfect wife" - obedient, subservient and aquiscent. But marriage is nothing but a patriarchal system created to benifit men and suppress women. Dowry deaths are far too common in our country, and even though it is supposedly illegal, people still demand for dowry. This becomes a reason for families to consider girl children a burden which results in female foeticide and infanticide. What is heartbreaking is the fact that women are made to believe that they're at fault for giving birth to a girl child, they're forced to believe that they themselves are a burden to their family and thus, their daughters are too.

Domestic abuse and marital rape are forms of violence that millions of women face daily after moving in with their husband. What is not surprising, but extremely disappointing is the fact that marital rape is still not recognised as a crime, as rape, by the Indian constitution. As if the possibility of women filing false cases against their husband has to be given more consideration than the torture women are forced to go through daily, as if men deserve more protection from false rape cases than the women who're survivors of marital rape. In olden times, what defined the status of a man, or what proved his masculinity was the control he held over his 'zan' (woman) and the 'zamin' (land), both which were considered his property. The same mindset has continued to the present times, in the sense that after marriage, women are considered property of their husband, she has no body autonomy, no right to consent, and since anything done to a person's own property isn't considered a crime, marital rape isn't considered a crime because wives are nothing but objects used to satisfy their husband's needs.

In 'Kamala', we see how angry Jaisingh gets when Sarita tells him to stop his sexual advances. He calls her derogatory terms because according to him, since she was his wife, it was her duty to have sex with him. Jaisingh doesn't consider his wife an equal, she is not treated with any respect, instead she's treated like a personal assistant, an unpaid personal assistance who exists only to obey and serve him. She is nothing more than a trophy wife, someone whom he shows off like a prize at parties and then treat like an object at home. For all his talk about exposing the sex trafficking industry and saving those women, he doesn't treat his wife much better than a slave. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Kakasaheb is no better. When Sarita talks to him about her plans to expose her husband because she can no longer stand to be treated that way, her uncle tells her that he's a man, and thus, it's normal for him to act that way - it's her responsibility to adjust, sacrifice and obey. He even proudly talks about how he ill-treated his own wife because of his male ego, seeing absolutely nothing wrong with how men treat their wives, but seeing something very wrong in the way Sarita wants to stand up for herself.

The way Jaisingh treats his maid, Kamalabhai is a different story, extremely disrespectful and cocky. When we talk about the patriarchy, it's impertinent that we talk about how the patriarchy oppresses women of different social standings differently. Kamala is oppressed in a certain way which is different from the way Kamalabhai is oppressed and different from the way Sarita is oppressed. The way domestic workers are treated in Indian households is shameful and disgusting. Nivedita Menon, in her book, 'Seeing Like A Feminist' states that, "The callousness of the Indian middle classes towards their ‘servants’ outdoes the worst excesses of feudalism. The polite term ‘domestic help’ that has replaced the word ‘servant’ in public usage is perniciously misleading. Make no mistake—these are servants. They are treated as less than human, less than pet animals. Apart from facing physical and sexual abuse—which is common—domestic workers perform heavy unrelenting toil, for they have no specific work hours if live-in; no days off or yearly vacations if part-time. Not to mention the routine humiliation that is their due. Several times now, I have noticed in Delhi restaurants the truly appalling sight of young women who are clearly maids in charge of toddlers, standing throughout the meal that their employers are consuming, ready to take charge of the baby at any point, and not being offered so much as a glass of water."

When Kakasaheb tells Jaisingh that he'll drink his tea along with Sarita so that Kamalabhai wouldn't have to do double the work, Jaisingh brushes it away and tells him that it's Kamalabhai's job to serve them - he has absolutely no concern for her wellbeing. He is a sexist, classist chauvinist who cares only about his name and his fame.

Partriachy doesn't just effect housewives and domestic workers, it effects working women too. The glass ceiling and the wage gap aren't myths, contrary to popular sexist claims. The percentage of women in STEM related subjects is very low, not because their brain is wired in a different way or because they're incapable of logical thinking, but because their entire life they've been made to believe that they are not good enough for the STEM field. Add onto it the discrimination they face by men in their workplace, and its no wonder many women who were toppers discontinue or not go for work at all. Sexual harassment at their workplace is another huge problem women face. Male employers many a time force female employees to do them "favors" for a promotion, threatening them with the possibility of getting fired if they don't listen. In the entertainment/film industry, the casting couch is a looming threat.

Apart from the discrimination they face at their workplace, women also face a lot of discrimination and set backs on their way - the 'mommy track' which Nivedita Menon talks about in her book, refers to when a woman sets apart the most productive years in her life to look after her children, which results in a slower career track upwards. The onus of looking after the children is put on the mother and the father plays absolutely no role. This is harmful not only to the women, but also to the men, since this is why in most divorce cases, the mother gets custody of the children, even if she's incompetent simply because she's a woman and looking after the children is considered her responsibility.

On the other side of the coin, this puts pressure on women to be mothers, it tells women that being a mother is all that you're good at, so that's what you must become, it is your duty, you get no choice. So even those who aren't fit to be mothers and those who don't want to be mothers, are forced to have children solely because they're women and its considered a women's job.

Kamala pities Jaisingh when Sarita tells her that she's unable to have children. She says that Jaisingh invested a lot in her, but he's not getting much in return. Her point of view is understandable since that was the kind of mindset she was exposed to her entire life. But unfortunately, today's urban society shares a similar mindset. If a couple can't have children, shame on the woman and oh, no, poor man.

Toxic masculinity is another aspect of the patriarchy and of the book. Men are expected to be brutes, they're expected to be insensitive, egotistical people who act as the head of household. Otherwise, they're considered incompetent husbands. Toxic masculinity takes a toll on men and women, mostly because the pressure it puts on men is taken out on the women. We see that in Jaisingh and Kakasaheb's treatment of their wives.

Rape culture being another. Rape culture doesn't refer to a culture in which a lot of rapes take place, but it refers to a culture which normalizes and sexual violence. Not considering marital rape rape is rape culture; catcalling and eve teasing women and girls is rape culture; blaming women for being sexually assaulted by telling them its wcause they were dressing provocatively is rape culture; the belief that men cannot be raped since they're stronger than women is rape culture, and the belief that if a man were to be sexually harassed, he must have enjoyed it since all men are considered to be sexual beings is rape culture; telling a gay person or an asexual person that they can be "turned straight" through violent sex is rape culture.

Patriarchy and Brahmanical Patriarchy go hand in glove. Sati was a practice introduced by Brahmans. Honor killing of women to protect her "purity" and "dignity" was also a practice introduced by Brahmanical patriarchy. Women who're SC, ST or OBC face a triad of oppression - for their caste and their gender, that is a result of Brahmanical patriarchy. For casteism to end, it's cardinal that so does Brahmanical patriarchy, which unfortunately isn't considered an actual issue by most mainstream, savarna feminists.

When we talk about patriarchy, it's all these major things and the microaggressions together. It's when brothers are given an extra fish and sisters are made to clean up after their brother, it's when "boys will be boys" is a scapegoat for men, but "you're a woman/girl, so act like one" puts unnecessary pressure on women to live up to a certain societally constructed standard, it's when heterosexuality is considered compulsory and normal for the purpose of passing on the family name and property and its when the honor of the family is placed on the shoulders of a young girl.

When feminists talk about "smashing the patriarchy", they're referring to dismantling the entire system so that none of these oppressive practices exist. So that we can live in a world where there is equity and justice, where there is no discrimination - a utopian world which unfortunately, cannot be reached anytime soon.

Can someone please send me resources or links or anything at all to send it to people to prove that we should stop using "narcissistic abuse" as a term?????

when people ask me what I’m particularly good at, I want to tell them, “ruining lives”. it has become such a niche talent of mine that instead of overwhelming shame and disappointment in myself, I only shut down these days, because my body has now been inundated. I ruin lives like it is something I was born for – to make my father cry and my mother develop a chronic illness; for my grandparents to feel unloved and for my aunts and uncles to regret loving me; for ruining my therapist’s weekend-nights; for my friends to feel like they’re giving too much and not getting enough; for never doing justice to my pup. I was told that since the day I was born, I never drank milk – if drinking milk is to sustenance as love is to living, I was and am and will continue to be an abject failure at both; there is something hidden in this analogy of milk: a baby is born with the natural inclination for drinking milk, as is a human being their capacity for love; it is then unfortunate that I have repeatedly disappointed my family’s expectations of following both. I am now lactose intolerant, and it seems as if I am intolerant of love as well. I’m not usually an essentialist, but even I can see that I lack something essential; something that should be here isn’t, though there is something darker and uglier and tar-like making my chest cave in on itself like a black hole, in its place. it is hard for me to process love, it is hard for me to consume milk; when you say I don’t hold space for your love, I want to ask you why you believe I can, why you believe it is a choice and not a deficit; because the only love I can accept is in the form of lactose-free milk, not milk powder, and while many have packets of the latter at home, they don’t go through the trouble of buying the former: milk powder is nothing but milk in its powdered form, and while easier to take, doesn’t make it much better; your love is easier to take when you’re funny and kind, but it does not make it easier for me digest. and it is so silly, but so crucial. new-born babies don’t have a personality, and if they do seem to, they must be fundamentally flawed – no one ever tells you how hard it is to be a whole human being when you’ve been considered a fundamentally flawed baby. nobody ever tells you how to learn to love; if love is an action, and actions speak louder than words, and it is actions which give meaning to life, is it surprising that I ruin lives through inaction? I talk about caring for people the way they want to be cared for, not the way you want them to care for you; at the same time, I do not serve milk to my guests, it doesn’t even pass my mind to offer, the option just does not exist for me – which is very curious indeed.

the whole concept of karma is rooted in casteist beliefs - getting what you deserve? being born into a particular style of life because of the actions of your previous life? suffering or being privileged in the life you have at present because of the actions of your ancestors/as a consequence of the actions of your previous life? all of the above = used to perpetuate casteism. The whole foundation of the caste system stands on this concept, of being born into a particular caste because of what you did in your previous life(-ves). Apart from it being casteist, I personally, don't agree with any of this. People do not get what they deserve (don't read it using a cynical tone, I'm using a matter of fact tone); a small child who has a chronic illness that's sure to result in death has not warranted it, no matter what they must or must not have done in their so called past life - that is, if you believe in such a concept - warrants such a form of suffering; a person who has been or is being abused does not deserve it, again, same reasoning; a horrible person who gets to get away with all the horrible things they've done don't deserve that, but it still happens; a person having a debilitating illness hinders who're their supposed to be isn't what they deserve; people being discriminated against for being a certain way, being born a certain way or whatever isn't because of their previous life ka actions or because they somehow deserve it; there are people who're doing good in life even though they've done bad actions and vice versa, there are people who did bad™ things which had bad consequences with good intentions, there are people who've done good their entire life but who still suffer, who's to say who deserves what, who's to say who deserves something because they must've been bad in their previous life, what gives an outsider the right to judge someone this way; your child being a "troublemaker" (that's a censored term BTW) isn't because you did something bad in your previous life and this is your fate now - I don't even want to begin to point out everything's that wrong and insensitive and messed up about that; you having a privileged life, being born into a family that's privileged, isn't because your ancestors did something great or worked harder than the ancestors of a family which is suffering (socially/economically, whichever), a family which isn't as privileged as yours - that's a very problematic thing to say, not only because of how ignorant and doused in privilege it is, but also because of how casteist it is. It sounds holier than thou, as if what your ancestors did was morally superior, in any way superior, and that the other person's marginalisation is because their ancestors weren't good enough, didn't do enough - you being born into a good, comfortable home was because your ancestors were somehow better than that person's, who's now suffering in life. My grandfather has used this argument so many times to point out the why to which I was born into the family I was born into and not into a family like our neighbor's, who aren't as privileged or well-to-do as we are, apparently it's because they all worked harder and did their "duties" (another term which pisses the fuck out of me) properly and so I was also gifted with this life, wtfffffff. Karma isn't simply tit for tat, there's much more to it - this concept implies that what people get in life is what they asked for through their actions (karma also refers to all your actions in your previous being accumulated and you having to face the consequence or the fruits of it in your following lives) which is fucking victim blame-y, a scapegoat and I do not stand by it. It could offer solace to people - the whole concept, I mean - when something bad's been done to them, I understand that, but that's a personal 'I want to feel good, so I'll believe in this' thing, and that's upto you, but on a wider scale, I'm not at all comfortable with people saying that 'karma' is the reason for what happens to people in life. It honestly disgusts me.

why is my feed like this 😭💀

Yep

Just a thought.

I've never been obedient, I hate being obedient, but now I am being so to avoid getting scolded or spoken harshly to and I feel like I'm losing parts of myself, or losing myself - I feel sick and wrong inside and terrible, horrible. This is not who I am, this is not who I want to be, this is someone else doing something to avoid feeling hurt because they're in a fucking fragile mental space and fucking hell. It's wearing on me and I honestly don't know what to do.

Knew Tumblr would not post it again, so I took screenshots like a genius 👀