My Dad Is The Funniest Guy In The Entire World And Everyone Needs To Acknowledge This Right Now

Instead of going to sleep, I am going to go play Genshin and I am going to fall in love with Monsieur Neuvillette because he's got gorgeous eyeliner and he's very kind and he's vageuly awkward and he commands a room well

My ultimate romantic fantasy: being accepted flaws and all

Not because of them, not despite them, just an acknowledgement that yeah, they exist, and that doesn’t stop commitment.

Why I Can’t Bring Myself to Tell My Friends I Love Them

I used to tell my friends that I loved them all the time. If I saw them doing something I thought was cute, or if they made an awesome joke, or if they tried their hardest on something, or when I would get the occasional rush of gratitude for them, I would tell them. Love was meant to be expressed when they were still there to receive it, and love was meant for everyone. I wanted everyone to know that love was meant to be given liberally.

Back when my ex best friend cared about me, she was so supportive. She would tell me that there was good in the world and there were things to be living for, and she would always be so happy and in love with life. She was a small person, with a round face and the warmest hugs, and she would tell me that I was worth it. That I was worth loving, that I was amazing, that I made her life better. My second new best friend does that too. She does all of that. They’re different people, but in terms of what they provide me they’re nearly the same, and in terms of appearance, they look similar. And that scares me because there’s a reason my ex best friend is no longer my friend, and to see the same feelings start for someone similar is terrifying.

When I finally acknowledged my first best friend after moving on from the last one, I noticed she was giving me everything my ex best friend couldn’t, but I was resigned to the idea that she wasn’t as verbally or physically affectionate. I still love that best friend, but those are my love languages, and I don’t usually get them from other people. And then my second best friend came into my life and gave me exactly what I wanted and needed that was missing from my first best friend. But now there’s a problem. Because my first best friend isn’t very verbally affectionate, she probably wouldn’t like it if I told her I love her, and even if she did, I would be opening up to her too much and that might push her away. My second best friend would absolutely love it if I told her I loved her, but I’m too worried that I’ll put all my energy into that friendship only to slowly realise that I’m not getting anything back.

I want to love them. I do love them. And I always thought it was a cliché motivation when a character was like “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to be hurt again”, but that is exactly how I feel and I couldn’t even trust my second best friend when she told me that she would always care about me because that’s what I told my ex best friend and now I hate her with a burning passion. I hate songs like “Night Changes” or “The One That Got Away” because they remind me that something you think will be infinite could end within a moment, and I hate reading fanfics where characters end up far away from each other with no possible way of regaining the relationship they had before and/or in canon because that’s the truth of life. People will come and go and you can’t do anything about it. Love is never going to be enough if it’s only going one way. Life isn’t a show where everything comes full circle; there are going to be loose ends and regrets and there will be no consolation or closure and everyone leaves eventually no matter how much you or they care. I love my best friends now but if I admit it to them then it solidifies the idea that there’s something to lose, and I can’t stand that. I don’t want to be hurt again. Despite how genuine my best friends may be right now, there will be a day where they don’t care. I don’t want to reach that day. I don’t want it to continue to that point. I don’t want to tell them I love them.

My brother just posted on his socials that he asked our parents if they were happy with their lives and that they said yes, which is crazy because every time I'm the one asking they always deflate and say no, that they wished it had been different, that they're tired but they're too old to try and change anything so they're just going to wait it out until death. So either they're lying to one of us, or a secret second thing I can’t conceive of.

My brother told me he knows my Tumblr and all my other accounts because I use the same username each time, so Big Bro, if you’re reading this:

NERD

Me, very much aromantic: It would be awesome to be one of the hunters of Artemis.

Coworker: But then you’d never be able to get married and have kids!

Me:

Coworker:

Me: IT WOULD BE AWESOME TO BE—

I'm here now. I'm in college, I'm still alive, I WANT to be alive, and I have friends I love and adore.

Still don't know how to write a book, but I'm doing my best!

I don’t go anywhere and I don’t do anything and I don’t have close friends I can trust with my life.

How am I supposed to write a book if I don’t know what living feels like

Winter is coming. Someday, I will learn to love the snow weather.

I realised the reason I love reading those romantic xReaders so much is because my fear of always being left behind runs deep enough that it bleeds into fiction. I assume everyone is going to leave me once they get a crush and/or fall in love, so especially when I'm reading xReaders, I have to be reading the romantic ones, because I know that as long as the characters like me romantically, they'll never leave me. I realised this when I read a completely platonic one, and I was uncomfortable. I was complaining to myself that I much preferred the romantic ones, which were much more fun and interesting. But when I got to the end, I thought about how if I had that friendship in real life, I would have felt so fulfilled! So I reread it, and it was so cute and fluffy and wholesome and I loved it! But I wondered what the character would do if he ever fell in love with someone else. And then it hit me.

I fear even a fictional character, in a fictional scenario that I can control just by thinking about it, leaving me for a romantic entanglement.

I am not okay.

The X Files theme came on my playlist and then my mom asked me if my phone was ringing, but I hadn’t heard a ringing, and after I started hearing it, I turned to my phone but it was off. I slowly said no, and then my mom answered her own phone.