Parkeryourefired

How long ago should I have died?

Parents: Why don't get into a relationship and get married? Me: Because I'm fucking ugly, that's why.

It's all just a dream.

Someone once told me things would be better now. Someone lied.

At this point, I'm willing to go for an experimental procedure to fix my back. Like Wade Wilson, I've hit "fuck it." As long as the suit's not green.

Is it guilt? What is it?

I have this weird, lingering... feeling...? Since we broke up about a year ago, we remained in contact, I have seen my ex gain at least thirty pounds. She was always insecure, depressed, anxious, etc. on top of being just downright lazy when it came to her physical well-being, and there was nothing I could say or do to get her to change that. She takes half a dozen medications to help her, and it seems to me they don't work. She refused to even eat better (A salad with ten ounces of ranch dressing is not healthy) when I gave up on offering to do walk-jog-run or something as simple as Wii-Fit. I didn't care she was overweight already or not as active as she should have been, I just wanted her to actually think for once instead of sitting on facebook all day eating junk food and looking (then, subsequently, complaining to me) at how all these "friends" kept getting married, engaged, blah, blah, blah. Eventually, the daily irony of being all these things on top of her going to nursing school was too much for me to bear. Few things make me angrier than people in health care, or trying to get into it, who can hardly make it up a flight of steps, much less have some semblance of mental/emotional stability. I don't care how smart a person is in a classroom (she is very book-smart, that much is true). If they think they are material for being in a position to possibly need to save people and have zero stability other than this illogical, masochistic idea that being in health care will mystically make themselves better (physically, mentally, emotionally), they're wrong. Thinking a job they will have huge responsibilities will magically make them take care of themselves, too, simply makes no sense at all when they have fits of depression or anxiety that keep them in bed all day. It makes me sad, too. It makes me sad because a part of me really, REALLY wanted to help her. I wanted to help her succeed, but she'd have nothing of it. A part of me also feels responsible for how she reacted to the breakup. Honestly, that's illogical, as well. Maybe even more so than her mindset. There was little worthwhile about that relationship, honestly. The relationship yielded little more than what a good friendship could have (sex has never been a strong selling point to me). Maybe if we'd been friends longer before dating, we could have circumvented the inevitable. She isn't a bad person, but she is too self-destructive for anyone less than psychiatrists to handle. Still... All-in-all, for whatever, ridiculous reason, I still feel bad... and I don't know why...

They say people who can't sleep tend toward depression. It makes me wonder... Or, maybe I just don't go out enough.

The worst thing about wondering if it's better to be dead or living is not knowing the experience of being dead, and once it happens, there's no way to communicate the experience irrefutably.

Does the Bill Cosby thing confuse anyone else?

If you start from the beginning - not the recent accusations, the 1970's beginning - it's easy to put together a timeline. 1973-ish: Gives at least one victim Benadryl. Shit's strong if you've never had it before. Was probably more so back then. Rapes the girl. Then, as recent information has introduced, proceeded to pay them to keep it quiet. It stayed quiet. For 30 years, it was quiet. It'd have been impossible back then for any of his victims to step forward and claim rape. They'd have never stood a chance against someone as famous and powerful as he was. Plus, taking money to not say anything would have looked incredibly bad. Apparently, that's not an issue these days. Take the bribe, then turn around and play 100% victim. I have no interest in defending Cosby. He's no symbol of my childhood or of any attachment to me. It is unfortunate he wasn't torn down immediately after the first couple victims. That circles around to the original issue of his status and the definite protection he'd have had back then, however. Where I find issue is how these victims have gone about developing their case. Legal battles aren't cheap, and the statute of limitations has already cleared Cosby of his victims up to the 90's. Any good (business-minded) lawyer would have immediately turned down that case. There's absolutely no money in the accusations outside the statute of limitations. So, why would a lawyer do something as foolish as waste their time on a case pro-bono? Especially after their client(s) took a bribe? They couldn't possibly win unless they had evidence (which doesn't exist) or a confession (which in this case took about two years). How many hundreds of thousands of dollars went into the plaintiff side? How could they possibly hope to pay for all that? They couldn't. That's why they refused to drop it. After the bills began piling up, they knew they just had to wear Cosby down until he gave up and settled. This wasn't about justice. This was all about revenge. This was about money. What I am most interested to see is how much these primary victims walk away with once this is done. Cosby will be forced to pay their legal bills, but it will obviously not end there. These women will likely not only claim a ridiculous sum in "emotional damage" over the past 40 years, but it is guaranteed they will claim undue stress in their lives during the course of the legal battle. How many millions will Cosby lose just to satiate their greed? How much did he lose when pretty much everyone backed out of his comedy routines, TV show, endorsements, etc? He should never have gotten those things in the first place, but he certainly had the advantage back then. He deserves them even less now for having used his status and continuing on like nothing happened. He should lose his status, his money, and his fame. That much is warranted. But, he shouldn't have to give these harpies who waited 30+ years for their revenge a dime. He should pay their legal fees. That much is a given. However, the moment those once-victims put a price tag on their "suffering" (after having already accepted at least one bribe [with some having settled out of court after raising the issue before this most recent case]), is the moment justice will have been a lie. Bill Cosby is a damn moron. First, for even considering rape as a worthwhile endeavor. Second, for paying off those women. Third, for not fighting this to his grave (no matter how early). I hope he is ashamed of himself, and I hope all those people who worked with him to cover it up and defend him are, too. That being said, I cannot but hope he does one thing right. Like give all his money and estate to charity, then claim bankruptcy. Give everything he owns (though it is tainted) to people who do matter and had no part of leeching a has-been. Those once-victims deserve nothing from him but an apology. They deserve no money, no mention in history, no sympathy as "victims", no publicity, and no thought once this is over. Unless... Unless they do that one thing we could only expect of truly honorable people: Refuse any money. Take no money but the legal expenses and all costs associated with the case. Insist any profit to be had be given to, say, cancer research, women's shelters, health clinics. Places/organizations people who are sick or have been abused go to when they need help. That's a dream, though, isn't it? They'll take the money they "deserve" because they're "victims", and they needed "justice". All we need to do now is wait and see the price tag of their "suffering". Watch and wait while real victims are in hospitals, therapy, mental wards, and shut-ins.