NGC 2359, Thor's Helmet

I don’t know if you’re joking, so please specify if you are.

But just in case you didn’t know, that is actually not a normal clock.

Draw a clock.

It s nromal .

You need to dump Beth. She's an asshole.

Beth spends time with me. I don’t always understand her, but I think she means well…

I have memorized every possible answer. I have practiced in the mirror. I know the words. But my hands still shake when I think about it.

I don’t understand why. If I know what I need to say, why is my heart racing? Why does my throat close? Why does my body not listen to logic?.

I don’t feel that way with you though.

I never have so far.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

Beth always hated the idea of this blog. She didn’t want me posting as much so I didn’t.

All this time I tried so hard to make her happy. I stopped interacting with people I like because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped talking as much because it made her uncomfortable, I stopped behaving like myself because it made her uncomfortable.

I hate her and I hate myself.

If I were to have responded any sooner, Dr. Lecter, I would have told you that I once believed I understood what romantic love was meant to be, and that the scenario I was describing was nothing of the sort.

But now, I find myself uncertain of anything.

No matter how much I try, it seems impossible to comprehend or control those around me and, lately, even myself.

..I am missing somebody I’ve never met and a feeling I’ve never felt. Is that possible, Dr. Lecter ?

I feel irrational yearning somewhere deep inside me, all the while being surrounded by everything I could possibly ask for.

I feel a hunger I can’t articulate, and I can’t pinpoint if I am simply going mad or if I am missing some sort of intangible warning.

New feelings often occur, even as we gain experience. Variations on what was once familiar. Desire that ebbs and flows with the change in our lives.

A yearning for another's presence is not uncommon. While you have all of your needs met, you may feel you are lacking a companion.

Tell me. To what other experience can you compare your newfound infatuation?

If I didn't know better, I would say it's as if you are in love.

Really? In what aspects?

Hello, Adam. I was wondering if you have a favorite flower or plant or a favorite animal?

-Duncan.

Good evening Duncan!.

I do have a favorite animal.

Raccoons. Definitely raccoons. They’re highly intelligent, their problem-solving skills are impressive, and they have these incredibly dexterous little hands. Did you know that they can remember solutions to tasks for years? And they wash their food before eating it, which is both practical and oddly endearing. I often go to watch a family of raccoons at a park near me. They bring me joy.

As for plants, I think carnivorous plants are fascinating. They literally evolved to defy the usual order of things—plants aren’t supposed to consume animals, and yet, here they are. The Venus flytrap, for example, counts the number of times its trigger hairs are touched before closing, like it’s verifying the presence of prey. That kind of adaptation is remarkable. If find that they have a philosophical aspect to them.

I have learned that people say they want me to be myself, but they rarely ever mean it.

They mean: be myself, but in a way that makes sense to them. Be myself, but not so much that they have to rethink anything. Be myself, but not in a way that makes them wonder if they even know me at all. In a way that won’t embarrass them. And now I’m the one hesitating, trying to figure out what I’m apparently not giving—something I wasn’t even aware was missing.

And I have to wonder if I’m the one getting it wrong.

What made you decide to get back with Beth? I thought you were doing pretty well, especially with Nigel. I think we all just want to make sure you're truly happy with this decision.

I don’t know. I think I want to be left alone. I don’t want to answer any more questions about this…

Thought you’d be interested in this, stea. You think Keats was talking about Polaris? Can’t say I’m well versed on the subject. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44468/bright-star-would-i-were-stedfast-as-thou-art

— Nigel

Fomalhaut was the first star that came to mind. People call it the lonely one, and that feels closer to what Keats was describing—‘not in lone splendour hung aloft the night’—watching in silence like some sleepless, distant observer. Polaris is constant, sure, but Fomalhaut is solitary. It sits far apart from the other bright stars in the sky. Easy to notice. Easy to feel something about.

It makes sense to me, logistically too. Fomalhaut is visible from Earth without much effort. But more than that, it carries the weight of solitude, of being out there and unmistakably alone.

I don’t think he wanted to be the star. I think he recognized something of himself in it. When we admire things people, stars, it’s often because they mirror something we’re missing or trying to understand. Maybe he wasn’t longing for distance, but for connection. To feel less alone by seeing that loneliness reflected back.

And even if they’re separated by lifetimes of space, the star and the observer exist in that moment together. No one else might understand that connection, perhaps not even the two of them, but it’s there nonetheless.