A Newfound Pain: Addendum

Orikan: *Rewinds time*

Trazyn: "...A single thread of fact within this tapestry of fiction you have woven."

Orikan: "BASTARD, BASTARD, BASTARD!"

"Stop laughing Trazyn, I have a Gf, she's just from another dynasty"

Dose two

Well; three weeks later, and we got our second COVID vaccine doses.

Although I wish this was not the case, I went from zero to full-on flashback in bout twenty minutes; and expect to remain in some variation of that mindset for the next few days.

I would like to stress for the new reader: this is not a side effect of the vaccine, and I strongly recommend that (where medically possible) everyone get it. This is purely my past history interacting with current events.

On the bright side, in a little over two weeks I will start treatment with a new EMDR therapist. I am very much hoping that goes a long way towards bringing these sorts of undesirable episodes under control.

Blank lines

I would like to meet the Microsoft employee that oversaw the inclusion of Visual Studio's infamous "Apply Cut or Copy to blank lines when there is no selection" feature and shake them firmly by the C5 vertebrae.

Scars

I should probably preface this with a content warning for discussion of self-harm.

I’m left-handed; when I’m receiving a vaccination or having blood drawn, I will normally offer up my right arm - as was recently the case when I received my first COVID vaccine dose.

While staring at my arm in the mirror, I realized that I had self-harm scars that are still very visible; and based on their appearance, very obviously self-inflicted. (This is not the case elsewhere - they have either faded, or are normally hidden.)

I’m mortified, as it means the provider that administered my dose absolutely saw them (and will again, as I tend to get pretty mean injection site pain and I really don’t want to experience that in my dominant arm).

More generally though, it got me thinking. The reason I struggle with others seeing what I did to myself is not because I’m ashamed, but because on some level I feel that my suffering was not legitimate - that I hurt myself not because I was truly in pain, but for attention. An imitation of the struggles of others.

There isn’t really a good answer here; just another piece of the puzzle to make sense of.

Orikan: *Rewinds time*

Trazyn: "...A shred of truth within this tale of yours."

Orikan: "BASTARD!"

"Stop laughing Trazyn, I have a Gf, she's just from another dynasty"

Ōkami

When my daughter was younger, we started the habit of co-playing video games. I would be in charge of the controller, and she would direct me. These are some of my fondest memories.

One of the games we played through was Ōkami; which is an absolute (but often overlooked) masterpiece. (For the uninitiated: you play the part of Amaterasu, a white wolf (and god); and her traveling companion Issun, a tiny artist. The selling point of the series is the latter’s ability to paint on-screen, triggering the former’s supernatural powers to solve puzzles and defeat enemies.)

The game was recently re-released on the Switch, and we sat down together last night to play it. In a charming reversal of earlier days however; now my daughter holds the controller and I advise.

When playing games herself, she’s generally adhered to more casual fair. (I really want to stress that there’s nothing wrong with this. Deus Ex: Human Revolution had an excellent metaphor for this approach: it has no “Easy” mode, only “Give Me A Story”.)

That changed a couple of years ago when she fell in love with Hollow Knight; and she’s been seeking out greater challenges ever since. Ōkami is the latest such iteration; and I could not be prouder of her.

Night surprise

Our three eldest cats have a simple routine: play, eat, sleep. For whatever reason, the youngest cat is the opposite: sleep, eat, play.

She is also very smart. She loves the laser pointer, and knows that it lives next to our bedside table; and will sit on the aforesaid table and sing to us when she wants to play.

This is all very cute except at nighttime, as we would like to sleep and she would like to play. This was the case last night, and unfortunately the cat would not listen to our polite requests to desist and so she was shut out of the room.

What then followed was a twenty-minute admixture of singing from the hallway and banging on the door. Eventually she grew bored, and decided to revisit another of her favorite pastimes (trying to pry the under-sink closet in the bathroom open; a process that involves more loud banging).

In the middle of the night, I visit the bathroom and as I’m sitting there in the dark, doing my thing, the youngest cat just casually strolls out of the closet like Samara crawling out of the television!

Sleeping arrangements: addendum 1

This has obviously been on my mind, but it was only very recently that I was able to connect all the pieces.

I believe that I was subjected to some kind of trauma during my early childhood. I have no memory of these events; but evidently they left some kind of impression on me because I experience flashbacks.

Some factors that trigger these episodes include high levels of general stress; moments of emotionally-charged interpersonal conflict; and nighttime. (Also: certain bedroom activities that are probably best skipped here.)

Well: I have a lot of undischarged stress at present; so come nighttime, things get... flashbacky. Generally what happens is that the spouse and I end up falling asleep like this:

Now, I really want to stress that my spouse is awesome; they always makes sure to communicate that I'm safe, and if I want to be closer that's okay, and if not, that's okay too. There's nothing they’re doing in this scenario that's an issue.

For me though... Well, as the diagram indicates, there is a Zone Of Safety at the corner of the bed and moving outside of it induces anxiety.

When the flashback reaches peak criticality, I'll move off the bed entirely and on to the floor. (It used to be that I would relocate to our walk-in closet, but apparently the space between the bed and the wall is now sufficiently protective per my brain.)

So here's the last piece of the puzzle: when trying to explain this situation to a friend last night, it occurred to me that I had things the wrong way around. The problem is not that I have to be on the floor; the problem is that I can't be in bed with another person.

It's not safe.

...And that brings us full circle. As I stated: I don't know what the nature of the initial trauma was that began things. Based on this latest clue however, the implications are clear... and I can't say I like them.

The Brutalizer

I was in a really, really bad spot a few weeks ago. I found myself sitting in the bath, crying my eyes out, when my friend messaged me.

On a crazy whim I asked her if she wanted to video chat, and that’s exactly what we did (with me doing my damnedest to keep the camera above neck-level).

She was having a pretty bad time of things too; and it was really good that we were able to talk and be there for one another.

To cheer me up, my friend then shared with me a recent experience: during a visit to a sex shop, she encountered an object for sale of both prodigious length and alarming girth. The name of this objet d’art - alarmingly - is The Brutalizer.

I would like to stress at this point that the two of us are super sex-positive. (You do you! If it isn’t harming anyone, why should we care?)

However, there was a fundamental absurdity to this particular item that kept us giggling: it’s gargantuan proportions (intimidating for all but the highly experienced); it’s bizarre marketing (including emphasis on the weight of the product); and perhaps best of all, a glowing appraisal from a professional online reviewer (hidden, like some kind of butt-stuffing landmine, in an otherwise tranquil field of gardening product and Bakugan reviews).

The store had three of these things on display! (Presumably to combat a rush of customers?)

There was much-needed laughter.

During this episode, I made the offhand comment that between the name of the product and the ultra-macho slogans adorning its packaging, I could very much envisage an ‘80s buddy cop show where this inanimate, intimate object plays the role of the maverick detective.

...And that engaged my dark muse. Despite the inherent ridiculousness, I then went on to paint this monstrosity:

(Actual Brutalizer censored because it’s Tumblr; but you know, use your imagination.)

My daughter described this, with utmost aptness, as a ‘physical shitpost’.

The painting is currently moving through the transit network of the US postal service as I type; winging its way to my utterly unaware friend. I very much look forward to seeing her reaction when she realizes that I have immortalized our in-joke in a format that can never, ever be displayed before polite company!

Lessons learned:

Planning typography is laborious, but so worth it!

Watercolors and rough canvas still don’t mix, but I’m persevering.

Also, watercolors are not great for ‘80s-style neon colors.

It feels like cheating somehow, but fine-tip Sharpies are great for outlining!

Update: It arrived! My friend’s reaction: “😂🤣👮‍♂️🍆🎨“!

Using downtime to write makes sense to me!

(Every laptop I’ve ever owned has had a small form factor; in large part because I wanted to make sure I could easily crack it open, irrespective of current locale.)

Kudos to you for using your phone in this way, however! (Also, it makes me wonder: due to the differences in writing implement - do you think the phone guides your creativity differently from, say, pen and paper, or a keyboard?)

I’m also all for the in-depth research! I know that there is a danger at times of spending too much time educating oneself, rather than writing; but honestly, if there’s a landmine guaranteed to take a reader out of a story, it’s an incongruent (and easily avoided) factual error.

(It’s also come to my attention via some of my own projects that you simply cannot avoid having to know things in order to accomplish an otherwise simple goal.

Case in point: I have to replace a zipper. I didn’t expect to have to learn about the different materials, sizes, styles, pullers - let alone, the art of trimming a zipper to desired length! And yet: this knowledge is critical to completing the task.)

Likewise: you have to take the time to define your characters, their world, and the events that unfold from both - or, as you note, you may end up with some significant plot SNAFUs. 🙂

Regarding the fanfic asks: 📈, 🛠️, and 🤗!

📈 How many fics do you have?

Uh. UH. I... they're kind of spread over a few different areas, and are we counting only active fics?

Upwards of ten active WIPs. I don't want to chase down every WIP I have somewhere, or even the completed little one shots.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

I do ninety percent of my writing in gdocs. It's quick, easy, and I can do it on my phone because I'm a madlad.

In terms of 'tools', just stuff for names. I've been using a lot of wiktionary to research the meaning behind various kanji to help create names for Naruto/Bleach, and occasionally even get to use it for some wordplay. Otherwise, random name generators, behindthename, top 100 baby names - that kind of stuff.

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

This kind of goes for any writer or creative but: create for yourself first. Pleasing your audience is great! It feels great! But don't chase them.

Make something for yourself first, be happy with it, satisfied, and let that be enough. And then, if people like it, that's great! If they don't, well, who cares? You didn't make it for them.