Had To Clean The Apartment Before I Found The Cord To Hook My Camera Up To My Computer But Finally Have

Koh Phi Phi, Thailand. Original photo shot on my honeymoon there last week.

My days have become the vessel of an inevitable end. One that will consist of a tightened noose or the crimson blood of my one love. She suffers and I cannot bring myself to let her go.

Dream

Been spending a lot of time thinking about death lately. The anniversary of a few family members deaths have come and gone in the last few weeks and it's definitely brought the mood of the house down.

Last night I had a dream that something had happened and my Dad had gotten hurt. I stood there with a group of people I didn't recognize but seemed to know, looking at the woods where he must have been. It was being decided who would go into the dark of the trees and find my father. Everyone was crying and scared, myself included, but I volunteered. I walked into the woods away from everyone I knew and the next thing I knew I was at his funeral. The world had turned to black and white, my suit blending in with everything around me. We were there mourning my father's death but I realized that no one besides me seemed to remember him, his face had disappeared from all the photographs that hang on the walls. It was as if he had never existed at all.

Watching your world slowly collapse around you is painful. Having no one to be there with you is unbearable.

Allison. Turtle hunter and duck whisperer.

Recently Allison and I watched the classic film Stand By Me. I don't want to ruin the plot for anyone who hasn't seen the movie but at a certain point the narrator says how he and the other boys felt better than they ever had before because "right then we knew exactly who we were and where we were going". Surprisingly it was at this point that I had a small epiphany.

I realized I had never felt this way before.

Never have I had something that consumed my whole life in that way. A goal that made me feel like I knew exactly what I had to do and why I had to do it. It made me a bit depressed but also made me realize that I was missing that one thing in my life.

The biggest question I need to ask myself now is what that one thing might be.

I have some very cute and funny neighbors.