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Description: [A video of a white drag queen dressed as a doll while lip syncing the song “Doll on a Music Box” from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. At the beginning of the video an automated voice says “Your video from this year that should have gone viral”. As she lipsyncs she rotates and moves her body stiffly to the music.

The lyrics are “What do you see, you people gazing at me? You see a doll on a music box, that’s wound by a key. How can you tell I’m, under a spell? I’m waiting for love’s first kiss. You cannot see, how much I long to be free. Turning around on this music box that’s wound by a key. Yearning. Yearning. While I’m turning around and around”.]

~ Leola's last wish ~

Terry has entered the shipping ring for me and thinking about him and Soren has me cracking up like

Terry: I'm sorry I tied you up with plants once Soren: could you do it again

It Takes a Muscle to Fall In Love - Part 3

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

“Dude, it was so epic. We spent all weekend at Mike’s. Eddie’s campaign was one for the ages. I wish we could do that every weekend.” Dustin trails behind Steve while he restocks the shelves with returns.

“I’m sure Ted Wheeler loved you being there all day.” Steve wasn’t completely listening but trying to capture enough to stay engaged. 

When Dustin got on his D&D rants, Steve’s brain always wanted to go into shutdown mode, and it takes active effort to pay attention.

“Not just during the day, Steve. We all spent the night too. Even Eddie and Eddie never does that. Started Friday, and I only got home at 8 pm on Sunday. I’m telling you, EPIC!” Dustin bounces around and misses when Steve pauses, slamming their bodies together.

Steve hits his elbow on the nearby shelves and groans. “Damnit, dude.”

“Sorry, sorry, shit.” Dustin helps Steve into a standing position. “You ok?”

“Yeah, just watch where you’re going.” Steve straightens his vest. “What do you mean all weekend?”

“All weekend.” Dustin shrugs. “We played all night at Mike’s after school on Friday. Then had a sleepover and played all day Saturday. Slept over again, and the only reason we stopped when we did was ‘cause Eddie had to get home and have Sunday dinner with Wayne.”

Steve absorbs that timeline information and tries to figure out when Eddie would’ve had a date interspersed in there. He knows about Sunday dinner. It’s the only time Wayne and Eddie’s schedules line up, so definitely not a lie to get away for a date.

“Did Eddie leave at any time?”

“No? Like in the middle of the campaign?”

“Yeah, for an hour or two? Just at any time?” Steve can feel a prickle crawl up the back of his neck.

“No,” Dustin furrows his brow. “That would’ve been weird.”

“Ha, yeah, yeah, weird. For sure. But… uh, did he mention plans of his getting canceled or something? For this weekend?” Steve’s stomach twists at the implication he’s uncovering.

“No, he’d been building that campaign for weeks and on the Hellfire calendar just as long. We were forbidden to make plans on those days. He would’ve banned us for life. There’s no way he had plans.”

“Oh,” Steve’s stomach drops, and he suddenly needs to escape.

He shoulders around Dustin, slams the videos in his hands down on the counter, surprising Robin where she stands, and stomps toward the employee-only door in the back.

“Steve?” Robin’s voice floats through the door before it shuts behind him.

He paces in the tiny cramped space trying to parce his thoughts together.

He feels so stupid.

Eddie hated it so much that he lied.

His blood boils as frustration seeps through his veins. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. As the back door creeps open, he kicks a nearby folding chair, sending it toppling against the locker-lined back wall.

“Fuck.” He covers his face and huffs in anger.

“Steve?” Robin’s voice is soft and cautious.

“He lied, Rob.” Steve tosses his hands to his sides and stumbles back, leaning against the wall.

“Who?” She props the door open to listen for any customers and slides up to Steve’s side.

Steve nervously glances at the open doorway while chewing on his bottom lip.

“I kicked Dustin out. What happened? I thought you two were talking about his D&D thing this weekend.” She nudges his shoulder with her own.

“Eddie,” his voice wobbles. “He-he lied to me. He told me he had this…thing this weekend. But he didn’t. Why would he do that?” He wraps his arms around himself, trying to ignore the burning in his chest.

“What thing? That doesn’t seem like him.” 

“I know, um…just this thing.” He pushes himself away from the wall and starts pacing again. “I thought we were…I don’t understand why he would lie. I mean, he coulda talked to me. Told me he wasn’t interested. But instead, making up this whole thing as if I couldn’t figure it out. Shit.”

“Dingus, I’m gonna need a bit more context here to give valuable advice.” Robin’s eyes follow Steve back and forth.

“No, you know what? It doesn’t matter. Screw it.” He shakes his head and hears the tinkle of the front door. “Perfect, a distraction.” 

Steve plasters his fake customer service smile on his face and strides through the back door when his eyes take in the customer.

“Stevie!” Eddie throws his arms up and smiles wide.

“Get out.” Steve keeps his voice calm even though his fingers are itching to grab the man by the shirt collar and scream at him for an explanation.

“What?” Eddie’s smile slips from his face.

“Eddie, maybe the two of you should talk later.” Robin appears behind Steve.

“I don’t understand.” Eddie looks between the pair anxiously.

“I don’t want to see you right now.” Steve’s entire body is shaking.

“W-what?”

“Don’t you have a…date to get to?”

Eddie’s eyes widen. He glances at Robin, seeing a look of confusion strewn across her face, and then he reflects back at Steve. If Steve weren’t so honed in on Eddie’s movements, he would’ve missed the exact moment Eddie felt the weight of his lie crumble down on him.

Eddie nods nervously and backs away. “I didn’t-“

Steve shakes his head, his jaw clenched tightly, trying to bite back his anger.

The bell above the front door cuts through all three of them when a mother and child enter the store, breaking the moment. Eddie bows around them and nods to Steve, glancing apologetically at Robin before heading outside.

Steve’s eyes track Eddie until his van has pulled out of the parking lot and driven away.

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this is a poem

roy harper, thay could never make me hate you <33

here's some more unsolicited adult advice as someone in her 30s who knows there are a lot of twenty somethings and teens that follow her: if you're trying to build a new habit you really want, and are struggling, you have to break it down to the smallest building block possible. If you're failing, you haven't thought small enough. I know it's possible to hear stories of people who just snapped into new life mode one day by "just deciding", but truly what's happening there is a confluence of events and experiences that force the brain into some sort of epiphany. You cannot will an epiphany. It'll never work. For most times of your life, you will need to build habits intentionally, and that means not working against yourself and to set micro goals. like laughably tiny goals. because once that easy tiny goal is met, you can build off it, tiny goal after tiny goal until you reach your big goal.

so for example, if you want to be a morning person that gets up at ass crack dawn so that you can work out, eat brekkie, shower, and get to work at a leisurely pace, and you're not that person because you will hit your snooze button 800 times, you have to get the big picture goal out of your head. think smaller. "I want to get up 15 minutes earlier than I normally do." If you can't do that, make it 5 minutes. "I want to cook breakfast every day" hell no too big. "I want to eat something, anything, before I leave the house" hell yeah, fantastic. When you go to the grocery store to make sure there are things in the house for breakfast, if you keep buying bagels and microwave sandwiches that you ignore, you gotta think smaller. SMALLER. What's something so easy to eat that you'll never say no to. Is it a yogurt? Is it a handful of grapes? Is it a hostess ho ho? is it hot cheetos? FORGET the big picture of the fantasy put-together woman preparing a full nutritious meal that you'd be proud to admit to. Think only of the smallest goal you can achieve. If you know you can't say no to an ice cream sandwich, put a ton of ice cream sandwiches in your freezer and have one for breakfast every day until it's so instilled in you that you gotta get up to eat something you can start diversifying.

It sounds like, from the lack of habit place, that must take forever. But really it doesn't take too long to form the habit once the discipline kicks in. the trick is that you have to give your brain something easy to become disciplined to. If it's too hard, think easier and smaller. No one has to know. Literally no one in the gd world has to know that for 4 weeks when you were 22 you had an ice cream sandwich for breakfast every day. who cares. If it gets you eating oatmeal with fresh fruit in a few months who cares. you did it, yay. smaller, easier. if you can't do it, think smaller and easier. smaller!! EASIER!!! You are not thinking smaller and easier enough. break your brain thinking how small and easy you can go. SMALLER. EVEN SMALLER, SIS.

the need to talk about the characters vs the fear that all of my analysis is just empty prose and surface level understanding