I THINK I'M ABOUT TO HAVE A SHAWN MENDES PHASE AGAIN, BUT I'M LOVIN IT CAUSE TEENAGE ME WROTE FANFICS

"haven't i given enough?"

It's on days like these when I wish, I lived alone. In a home settled deep into a busy street in this busy city, with one space, only for me. On days like this when the rain has fallen all over the pavement and the scent of trees is in the air, I wish I lived with my thoughts and perhaps a cat, if only I could.

There is comfort in this home I reside in, a family filled with love and admiration for each other, but still, amidst all the underlying chaos of pain and dysfunction, there is only one thing on my mind. I wish I lived alone. The house I would live in would be mine alone. Filled with so many things green it would almost be like Pantone decided to trip the green palette into the space.

I look at my room, which really hasn't been mine in the past year, and see things no one else does, for they aren't here. Memories of nights with friends that don't come into this room anymore. Days where I've spent my entire afternoon painting on this very floor, covering each corner of the tile with a different color. What memories will I be able to make when I don't have to hide in a single room for the entire day? Will all these bits and pieces spread around the entire house in just a chaos of boredom and peace?

Will I recognize freedom when it greets me with warm hands and a shy smile at the front door? Or will I turn it away because it isn't the shivering, crippling figure of the anxiety that made me hide under the very desk I write this on top of when everything was too bright and my head wanted life dull?

I'm unsure of only one thing when it comes to the fact that I wished I lived alone. The fact that I won't understand that living alone and being lonely may just be two different things that have nothing to do with each other. Living alone might just be the one thing that salvages the hollow fear I feel inside. There isn't somebody who tells me I did my best anymore. Will I tell myself for every next day in the future, that I did everything that I could and I still will?

The house that I call mine will cover each and every wall with not just paintings and art, but splashes of all the mistakes I've made, so I know there is nothing to be afraid of when it comes to accepting your mistakes, not even displaying them on the wall of your own home.

I wish, on days like this, when the absolute massacre of personal space is a matter of zero concern for people in this house, that I lived alone.

I wish I lived in a home, where being my authentic self wasn't shameful and uncomfortable, but so honest and appreciated, that I would never live.

I wish to live in a home, where I am confined to these walls not by constraint but by my choice. I wish, on these days when everything moves above, below, and beside me. I only wish, to live alone.

~ noor.

It’s entirely inappropriate that Hani’s fundraiser has been stalled ~20k away from its goal for months now. I don’t mean to be so aggressive, but it actually makes me so resentful when I start thinking of the fact that ao3 fundraisers w triple that goal reached it in days. I know that Hani has done everything from showing proof of authenticity, to going into his family’s strife in detail, to even providing pictures—something he absolutely does not have to do. Ignoring that and allowing the campaign to stagnate entirely is so cold. Please share and donate what you can. Clearly no one else has been.

~im patched up, and sewed with scars all over again, it hurts~

I can feel my palpable hunger. It's growling slowly, softly eroding the acid in my stomach. But this is not about food. This is not about how much I long to be fed and cared for. This is about me doing nothing to curb my insane hunger. Nothing at all. I cannot leave my seat until it is time for me to eat. I am not allowed to eat before that. My existence means nothing earlier than the time assigned to me.

I am external to my own hopes and feelings. I am a creature of habit, lost and so fucking confused because all my patterns are changing now. I don't bite all my nails off at once. I'm eating and sleeping and living. What the actual fuck? Where are my habits, pulling me into those cyclical bouts of depression and anxiety?

Wait, slow down.

Numbness engulfs me. I want love. Someone to hold and kiss. Oh gosh, this is crazy. Did you know insane people dress really well? I cleaned and ate and worked and I'm breaking all my natural habits to co-exist with criminals.

Criminal behavior is cool. I want to kill them. Preferably kill me, burn all my notes to the fucking ground, and forget I ever felt a single fucking thing.

I'm so lonely. I'm laughing internally. No, those are tears of blood. Fuck, Fuck, Shit. Ha ha ha.

I stole shit when I went shopping. I steal things and cry about pants that don't fit my ugly legs anymore. Self-deprecation is so much fun! Ha, you thought I was getting better. What in the world does getting better even mean?

I am literally a social construct and would not exist if everything never existed and existence is so taxing. I need sleep. I want to kill you, maim your skin with scars given from a Swiss knife. I carry poison around like it's something to be proud of.

FUCK, FUCK, SHIT.

Bye bye bye.

Materialistic shit is so fucking cool. Buy me stationary thanks, wait not those pens. My favorite color is green, idiot.

Do you think Dolphins know they will all die one day? I want to taste pizza with ketchup again. Let's get pizza and watch the stars and no, never mind, you remind me of my dead father.

Grave? Oh you mean mine? Yeah, it's already prepared. A death note, a step-by-step process. I intend to be a rich dead motherfucker that takes her own life. Gunshot to the head, blood names on the walls, and a shit ton of cash floating in that bloody bath.

Blood money. Use it at will.

Bye bye, fuck.

im genius and quote worthy, and everyone should worship my gay ass, period. (okay, narcissistic period is over, now depression ayega 🤧)

Url change!

toosoontotellyouily -> cleodotcum

Its been 3 months since i had this url, a url change was a long time coming (or cumming 😉)

i need to go into the middle of an ocean and scream, and take a dunk in that water to come out reborn as a water witch who has seaweed like soft hair and a moonlit glow

I remember what it tasted like; it was so familiar to the piercing spice of your blood ⚕️

-Zoë Lianne

*cats are my one true love**

As I Was Moving Ahead Occasionally I Saw Brief Glimpses of Beauty (Jonas Mekas, 2000)

From river to the sea, Palestine will be free 🇵🇸🇵🇸

This is not what I expected to renew my page with a pain that exceeds all pain 💔Exceeds what I was suffering from pain, which is losing a number of my family, cousins ​​and their children, and I was unable to do anything, not even say goodbye to them due to the horror of what they were exposed to. My hope is still in you and your generosity. The war has destroyed everything, and my silence has become my refuge. I ask for your help to provide safety, food and water for my remaining family members, and give us the opportunity to leave Gaza. Your donation will have a profound impact in saving what remains of our lives. 💔🙏

https://gofund.me/e6a1e1e9

Noor | She/they/he | 20

● blog ● favourite Spotify playlist

"No one is free until everyone is free"

🇵🇸🇧🇩🇸🇩🇨🇩

~find me in those glades where liberation blooms in orange tulips, and a frolicking angel with bare feet smiles upon the glistening sun~

Hobbies 🔮⚕️~ practicing witchcraft, yelling in feminine rage, frolicking in grass, listening to cigarettes after sex in a dark bathroom, journaling in the shower, dancing on my bed, and living life as gay as possible <3