"Now I'm Thinking About Cullen Going To A Strip Club Again.

Scarlet Hollow characters ranked by how much I'd trust them to come get me from a rural train station in the middle of the night, sorted from least to most

Post brought to you by the amount of times the Deutsche Bahn has left me stranded at midnight in bumfuck, nowhere. For this post I've excluded the teens because I don't think you should be putting that kind of responsibilty on the youngins, and I wouldn't put it past Miles to let me die there on purpose judging by the stink eye that little man was giving me after I shared a chaste hug with his sister.

13: Stella

I say this with so much love in my heart, but she's simply not the right person for this task. She doesn't drive, for one, and should she throw herself into her gear and undertake a brisk hike to my location, I don't think that's where our trouble ends. She crests the hills in the wee hours of dawn, me having survived the night on ancient vending machine snacks and warming myself by a cozy tire fire, and still it's not yet time to go home and decompress, no, it's time for another Stella Adventure with a 30% chance of at least one fatality. I want off Ms. Richmond's wild ride.

Would I survive the drive hike back? Anyone's guess. She doesn't want Bad Things happening to me, but her crippling addiction to Bad Things might pose an obstacle.

12: Doctor Kelly

She is a doctor. She's not a taxi service. Those are her exact words for me as I call her, even as I plead that I'm fearing for my life and that spending the night outside in the cold eating calcified cheese cake from a vending machine certainly won't be good for my health, and also I can't afford a taxi on account of having spent my money on vending machine cheesecake. That's not her job, nobody's forcing me to eat that, (and if someone is forcing me, she's also not the cops) and most importantly: How did I even get this number?!

Would I survive the drive back night stuck at the train station? I mean, probably? It wouldn't be comfortable, and my spine will not forgive me for days to come. However, if I run into any trouble, I'll have to rely on

11: The cops

I'm not expecting the cops to get me home. I don't expect them to be helpful in any damn way. My situation will remain utterly unimproved. The only way Sheriff Huggby and associates can edge out Doctor Kelly is the fact that getting shot down by them won't make me feel bad in the slightest, so at least I'll be less bummed about my cold and lonely night.

Would I survive the drive back night stuck at the train station? Eh, it could always be worse. I could be interacting with the cops right now.

10: Reese

So first of all, there is a non-zero chance Reese will simply be asleep by the time I decide to text him. Even though he seems to be mostly nocturnal, The Horrors don't stick to a schedule, so if he's hit a bad day there's no guarantee he'll read my text. If he does, however...well. He might still come. I don't think he drives, but then again, I don't think that's our biggest problem once he's on his way. Not a lot you can do to stop him once he gets going. He'll come get me alright, and I'll be safe, but I'd have preferred to keep casualties at a minimum.

Would I survive the drive hike (?) back? WE'RE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD IS THAT BLOOD

9: Sybil

She WILL show up. That much I can vouch for. She will show up, and she will bring me some tea in a thermos to warm up after my ordeal, and she will get me home. And I will arrive there forever changed, knowing that this ordeal had SOME kind of consequences on my future that I'll never be able to undo, and I'll start to wonder whether I wouldn't have been better off napping on a bench.

Would I survive the drive back? Physically? Hale and hearty.

8: Wayne

Now this he/it king keeps assuring me that he's concerned for my safety, and honestly, I'm inclined to believe it! It certainly seems to be putting some backbone into making sure I remain unmauled - when he feels like it, that is. We're walking back, of course. I don't think you're supposed to drive with a bridal veil over your head. And GOD, it smells SO BAD!

Would I survive the drive hike back? I mean, yeah, sure. I just really, really, really don't want to.

7: Isaacs

I'm not going to list off every single miner here, even though I might be tempted to spend a long car ride with Harrison (cutie pie) or Davis (can GET it), but I've got Isaacs' number, so I might as well try? Chances are good he can drive; I've been told US-Americans find it useful. And he does care! He won't like driving out to the middle of nowhere to taxi a stranger, but he wouldn't want me to be out there all alone, especially not after what happened to his buddy...

Would I survive the drive back? Probably. The uncomfortable silence might come close to taking me out, not going to lie.

6: Oscar

Texting Reese might be a 50-50 chance of him even being awake, but Oscar? Man's a single dad with other things to worry about. There's no way he isn't snoring like a chainsaw when I text him in the middle of the night. Once he wakes up he's on the way of course, getting out at the ass-crack of dawn in his undershirt and jeans, but by the time he's arrived the first train of the day is just around the corner.

Would I survive the drive back? I mean, we're both tired and out of it and a little cranky, and we'll both be mostly quiet, but we can make it work.

5: Pastor Daniel

He doesn't get texts, like, ever, so if he happens to be asleep when I text him the foreign sound of his phone notifications going off will definitely startle him awake. And I like this guy. Like, actually. I'm offering several hours of socialising for this lonely man for the low, low price of whatever gas is worth these days. I'm told it's a lot. I don't drive. But I can promise him I will try to keep up a conversation, and I even grew up as a pretty serious catholic, so I can actually talk religion if he fancies it.

Would I survive the drive back? I'd need some time to recover from being social for such a long period of time without breaks, but it's not an unpleasant exhaustion.

4: Avery

Not to get too deep into the weeds, but Mystical told me that their biscuits are Good, capital G, and someone who puts the skill that could be renamed "Medically Concerning Levels Of Anxiety" at ease is someone I HAVE to trust. They'll come get me, we'll make pleasant conversation, they introduce me to some new tunes on the way back.....if I was sure they had a car. I don't know if they drive. They don't really have a vibe that screams I own a car and a license to me, y'know?

Would I survive the drive back? Not only that, I think I'd have a pretty good time. If they have a car. Which I'm not sure about.

3: Kaneeka

Kaneeka has a van, is notably a safe driver, and she's got a heart! Even if she hated my guts, she wouldn't leave someone who's name doesn't begin with T and doesn't end with Abitha Scarlet sleep rough on a bench in bumfuck nowhere! Even if she isn't happy about it, she will be on her way...if there's nothing getting in her way, that is. There might be some people having a vested interested in having her stay put, after all.

Would I survive the drive back? I'm not going to lie to you, I might be spending most of my time during this car ride putting together a scheme to wind up in a similar situation soon again. I won't apologise for being a Kaneeka guy.

2. Tabitha

Now Tabitha has proven her willingness and ability to come get me in any situation, even if she fucking hates my guts. I could text her please pick me up im scared from the fucking moon and she'd come. She'd figure out a way. And she'd chew me out the entire ride back until I'm seriously considering tucking and rolling and dragging my sorry ass back to the station instead. (And that's not even getting into the dodgy purpose she might be keeping us in one piece for!)

Would I survive the drive back? Barely. Brother, I would be barely holding on after the dressing-down I'd get from her. I might be a Tabitha guy in theory but I know that I don't have what it takes to survive her.

1. The Calloways

Yes, I also keep forgetting that Old Duke's last name is Calloway, and not the result of Mr and Mrs Duke giving their son the Christian name "Old". We KNOW they have a car. We KNOW Old Duke taught his boy to protect others who aren't able to protect themselves, and surely helping a dummy like me out of a tight spot must count as "protecting" someone less fortunate than them in the common sense department. Or the understanding of train timetables department.

Would I survive the drive back? I think I'd enjoy it, actually. I like those two. I wanna know more about them! I literally found out today that you can spend some quality time with Old Duke now and maybe that was the impetus that possessed me to write that entire shitpost in the first place!

there's this girl at work that i don't know if she just too nice or she it's flirting with me

For freedom

Jesus can always reject his father But he cannot escape his mother's blood

Tabitha Scarlet for the Scarlet Hollow community fanart event! Background is from the game (altered). ID in alt text!

“i‘m sorry anakin, for all of it“

you ever see a picture of two guys and the only thing you can think is oh definitely one drunken handjob in 2006

explodes

how can you tell