Gerhard Richter, Clouds, 1978

Hard drugs. Hard problems.

Functional + Generational Addiction are hard. Why me, God? Wasn't being gay in the South enough? I didn't fall into the stereotypes. I wasn't a drug addict cliché. No one ever said anything. Why didn't anyone ever say anything?

Kyle. I can see that you are a little fucked up. Or, you look like you had a long night. No one ever said a thing. It turns out because they didn't actually know. Not always. Not even the times I was so sure they did.

222

"a long and difficult cycle will soon be over". That was the tarot card I pulled. It had the moon sign of what the moon would be in on my birthday last year. I saw 222 constantly while I was getting sober.

Well, soberish. Sober-adjacent. Or just drug addict in denial.

But no offense, if you can't tell if I have used, it makes it less desirable to quit. I know the health problems. I know it makes me a bad person. But so did being gay. So why should I care who thinks I'm a bad person or not. I still do though. And it ate me alive for years.

The inner turmoil was the worst of it, come to find out.

Leaving every social interaction wondering if they could tell. If they knew. It started to overshadow everything. Every moment of my day. It was always in the back of my mind. That I had done meth. That I was technically on meth. We all know the stereotypes. But I went to work. I went to school. I paid my bills. I got good grades. I took showers, brushed my teeth. I went to dinners, events, funerals, birthday parties. No one ever said anything. No one ever asked.

But I would read their faces. Their expressions. Any sign or glimpse that they knew my dirty little secret. Any hunch that I was exposed, and that they knew. Oh how terrible it would feel. To be just a dirty drug addict. It truly was Hell. Even worse than being gay.

happy halloween hehe

when neptune and uranus meet, one will betray the other

not the abacus

I was born to muck around on devices. thousands of years ago I would constantly be on the abacus in Stone age times I’d be staring at the cave wall drawings for 6 hours a day

try saturn conjunct south node / opposite north node . . . . js

when you have saturn and north node in the same house and sign……..

I made a little editorial for the guy I’m dating. I graduate from university in two semesters. I might teach English in China to get 我的水平 up to par. Can’t work at the neighborhood pizza place forever.

中文: he began having an interest in furniture during high school. Since then, his name is now well known. He enjoys using various styles.

français: “it’s an art, really” he assures me on the subject of making furniture. he recounts these things with such passion and pride, it’s hard for me not to blush.

here the chinese words for life and opportunity accompany a quote i heard on one of those detective shows like ncis la and i liked it.

photo is southern indiana.

merci xx

赵酷峰 k y l e

buachaill tíre Rí Ceilteach Rwy'n dy garu di

I wish age gap discourse hadn't spiraled the way it has because I want there to be a safe space to say "Men in their 40s who date 25 year olds aren't predators, they're just fucking losers"