怕 · 奇怪的感受 · 爱

シュズ、ヌウオルエンズ

テイキンバイクレグ

ｘｏ

Immortality. 1901. Endpaper. 

Hilma Af Klint

Rural Ohio, January 2023.

an advertisement you see on a high speed rail leaving tehran

the sound of a seagull greets him through an open window. he’s sitting in a quiet and quaint hotel restaurant. the california coast.

he looks out the window across the dock. the boats rest still in the calm waters of the pier. the autumn morning sun is bright, accompanied by a tame and salty ocean breeze. he’s thinking about someone. he thinks about home.

a chilly morning for pastel chino shorts & a well-worn, cerulean linen sweater. both wrinkled, because of the suitcase and an impatience for folding laundry. his dark blond hair is healthy and uncombed, his pale skin and slight accent likely hinting to others he’s not from around here. at ease, his thoughts drift back to kentucky, back to the summer.

surrounded by the soft sounds of silverware clinking on plates, coffee mugs being picked up & sat back down on the tables, sunlight and small talk fill the room. he focuses on the present moment, breathing everything in. people actually live like this, he smiles.

or were you all in a dream, amelie, amelie? tell me no // i almost lost it, i'll heal eventually. but faster if you're next to me, next to me

Valentine's Day .2024

I don't know what messages the universe is sending me. It was somewhat clear for a moment. The spirit/apparition I sensed outside my window, and again in 8th house's room. The dream I had a year before I met him which came true right before my eyes. When I gave up on him, the very next day, Taco Bell gets my order wrong and gives me his favorite drink, even though they'd never done that before. The synchronicity is insane.

I know it won't make sense to everyone, and a lot of people won't care. I could accept that I never saw a spirit. Perhaps it really was just a hallucination, since I do get those from time to time. It was different from what I usually see though. Distinct. But who knows. Even if I write that off, the dream did come true. It started with us putting art in the back of my car, at night, in an urban setting. I remember the exact moment when I realized the dream was coming true, cuz something in me knew that dream was important when I woke up from it suddenly, a year before. It ended with a gun. The gun that was cocked behind his front door, when my dad and his friends were on the front porch, after he did what he did on his birthday last summer.

I didn't want to give up on him. I got a sense to stay on a Tiktok live of a tarot reader one night, and she started saying. a lot of things I was recognizing and vibing with. I paid for a reading. She told me he was thinking about me, a lot. And that I could expect to hear from him again, but she was suspicious of his intentions due to the swords cards. I was estatic just to know he was thinking about me.

So I guess the end of the dream wasn't quite the official end with him. I did see him more after all. Albeit, it was never like it was during the summer. He became closed off and mean. He didn't compliment me anymore, didn't answer my questions. It's like he was just a mannequin, who occasionally invited me over for unpassionate sex or cuddling in silence while a movie played. He offered me very little, but I was so desperate to start building a relationship again.

The dream I saw of Millionaire Mouse complicates my clarity. I saw him in a dream in July, when I was depressed over 8th house. I didn't hear from him at all that month. I wasn't sure I would again. But he rised from the ashes and texted me eventually, but the ball got rolling with Mouse.

I like him fine. Seeing him in a dream only adds to my confidence in my abilities. Though it makes me wonder how special 8th house really is. Maybe it wasn't meant to last long term with him. The evidence before me seems to suggest that. There's something inside me that doesn't believe it, but I can't tell if that's ego or some objective truth. Like destiny.

Two odd synchronicities happened today. The first was a u2 song in the workvan with millionaire mouse. We were driving back from michigan, and we kept swapping bluetooth access. Then, I look at the screen, and it's on track 9 of 11 from a u2 album. The title of the song is "this is how you can reach me"

911.

I've been seeing that number for years. years. It started happening around when I started doing drugs. I figured it was the universe telling me to stop. That they were bad, that I'm gonna have to call 911 because of some situation I got in or because of my health. That makes sense. But then I started seeing it at times when I wasn't doing drugs. So it didn't make sense to me.

But when I met 8th house, he used to be a policeman. His dad was a firefighter, just like my step dad was. It was perfect. I thought the universe was just telling me my policeman was waiting for me. Now that I spend the days alone or with another man, I'm starting to question my grasp of things. Maybe it's just a stsupid number I just so happen to catch on the clock a lot.

This is how you can reach me. I stared at the screen for a bit. I took a picture, even. track 9 of 11, on a random album that not i nor mouse had pulled up. It just randomly appeared. So I google the album tonight, and see that the actual ninth track is "Sleep like a baby tonight". Is the universe just telling me to go to sleep tonight instead of staying up late like I usually do? Like how I've been staying up late, hoping 8 would text me? That would make sense. but that isn’t even the actual 9th track. ??

He's currently not speaking to me. I got another tarot reading, which I had been wanting to do but the time never felt right until recently. I got pulled into a tiktok live. I even exited it, but it popped back up again. The guy's necklace even started glowing, and he said it was the archangel michael and he was with him. And I believe him. I had another synchronous moment with him a couple months ago. So I bought a reading.

Those damn swords cards came up again. He told me the relationship was done. That there was something I was still holding onto that was keeping me from moving forward. That reading really pissed me off. And I want to write it off.

But it's valentine's day. And I'm alone, in my bedroom, and haven't heard a word from 8.

The second synchronous thing. And rather important. My favorite book as a kid, "monster mama" by liz greenburg or something. I had been thinking about the book and decided to google it earlier today. I love how scary the illustrations are. I got the book in kindergarten at a book fair.

Well, I was looking at photos online. The main character has 8's middle name + my middle name. How odd is that? I probably haven't looked at that book since middle school. I don't even know where my copy is. But my favorite children's book, the main character has the two middle names of me and the person I want to live my life with. How am I not supposed to believe that he is perfect for me? That we're destined?

I shuffled my oracle cards and put a token of him on top, before I drew the first card. I was like, please universe, spirits, tell me something thorugh this one card. And Ipulled one.

This is what it said. I'm not sure what sense to make of it. commitment to 8 or to mouse? commitment to my future? what i’ve been holding onto is something i trauma bonded with 8 over. it’s caused me problems in my life, and i haven’t been sure if i should integrate or annihilate.

hopefully time will convince me of what it is i need to do. i have options, they’re just not really the ones i want at the moment.