The Flowing Road. 1912. Cover Detail.

Astrology Journaling

/themes

· LDS CHURCH · SATURN 9H · HOMOSEXUALITY · LIBRA · SUN 12H · /

So I am currently dating a Pisces sun, Cancer moon. I myself and a cancer sun virgo moon. I noticed when I first got into astrology, I was sitting at a table with my group of friends at the liberal arts college I attended. I started asking people’s birthdays and birthtimes so I could generate their chart online. This was before almost everyone knew their sun, moon, and rising. Circa 2014/2015. I had just started dabbling in astrology. I got hooked into searching the web late at night for what aspects meant what, how my house placements could influence what decisions I might make for say, my career, or life’s bigger questions like what is the meaning of it all. Astrology sort of became like my therapy, a search that acted as a distraction from my existential nihilism and just truly piqued my interest.

:readmore:

But, I was also LDS (mormon) at the time, and rather devout. Interestingly, I would later read that people with Saturn in 9th house like I have, tend to favor more traditional religions, such as Catholicism, Mormonism, and Judaism. When I read this in a book about Saturn, my jaw dropped! My search for existential meaning budded in my senior year of high school. Although I was raised baptist by a *fanatic in word but complete opposite in practice * father (love u dad lol), I became an atheist, or agnostic actually, at age 12. By this time, I had already realized I was gay, and that shattered my Christian faith. My pride and ego did not want to believe in a deity that (from my perception) made gay. I didn’t actively choose it or anything, so why should I be condemned for it? However, the seeds had already been planted in my brain. I remember at age 7 or so, praying to Jesus over and over and over again to save me, and that if I died that night to go to heaven. I was afraid. I was afraid one prayer wasn’t enough. Perhaps this was the start of my obsessive compulsive behaviors to come.

See, even though /I/ said I didn’t believe in God or whatever anymore, that doesn’t mean that he didn’t still exist. I figured he had to, since there’s so many religions in the world, and one of them had to be right. So, I found online that most religions are homophobic, even the Buddhists and Hindus, so I concluded that homosexuality = wrong. Even though I was undoubtedly attracted to men, I figured something must’ve happened to make me this way. After all, I was attracted to women at one point in my life. I recall stumbling upon my grandfather’s playboy magazines when I was 9, and what followed was excuse after the next to wander down into the basement so I could sneak a peek. TW - sex ||| However, around age 11 when I first started masturbating, something switched and I started focusing on men. I would look at pictures of men in speedos online, the whole shebang. Eventually I stopped looking at women all together and to this day I cannot get aroused by a woman. So what happened ? What gives ? There was nothing traumatic that happened to me. My family was dysfunctional, divorced, working class. Love was just as scarce as the money, so it seemed. Shit felt tense, no other way to say it. But I stopped living with my grandmother as much and started living with my mom more once middle school started, so with all the resentment and rage of an angsty gay 18 year old, curious for answers on life’s bigger truths, while also terrified of going to hell, and at the very beginning of building a life for myself. I delved back into spirituality, because I felt that was more important than anything else really. When it comes down to it, once you’re dead, how much does it really matter what you had on earth? This was my thinking at least.

((I have a 12th house sun and so does my father. So this emphasis on spirituality makes sense to me.))

So I search and search and stumble upon the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And I fell in love. It seemed like every answer I had was being answered by something concrete, their ideas about community and taking care of others completely aligned with my own, and let’s face it, the Mormons do a damn good job marketing themselves to others! That’s what missionary work is all about. Utah has a very big communal culture that Kentucky seriously lacks. Here, it’s practically every man for himself. People don’t go out of their way to be nice here. In Utah, they do. They walk the walk and talk the talk. I respected that, and I wanted to be like that.

Since we’re on the topic of the LDS church, I wanna say the church gives me heavy Libra vibes. Salt Lake City is the plastic surgery capital of the country. Mormon temples are just breathtakingly beautiful. They are so obsessed with looking attractive, having white teeth, etc, because it makes missionaries more effective in obtaining converts, and the church teaches that the righteous prosper. So the more you live in according to the word of Jesus Christ, the wealthier and beautifuler and happier you will be. Just seems very libra to me. Lol. I wonder if the church’s natal sun is in libra? Like whatever sign it was when the church was formed in upstate New York.

I started this post thinking I would talk about my relationships , cuz I’ve had a few and dated two Pisces now. Oh well!

Enikő Katalin Eged (Hungarian, b. 1992, Budapest, Hungary) - Year of the Rabbit, Digital Art

真的有意思…

my job involves speaking chinese to actual important biznizz people and whilst in my waking hours I am mid but acceptable at work and in meetings, in my dreaming hours my subconscious serves up nightly dreams in which I am forced to orate classically for hours in front of my boss as if I am second in line for the throne and arguing that my elder brother's proposition to accept tax predominantly in copper instead of grain disproportionately hurts smaller farmers, 父皇之宽容，天下皆知，儿臣恳请父皇三思啊！and then when I wake up it's back to this situation is. uhh. difficult. and there are many angles

Maurice Sapiro (American,b.1932)

Atlantic City, 2018

oil on canvas

i hate that my instincts always seem to be at odds with my desires

It’s crazy to think how shy and awkward I was when I first became a vampire. I had absolutely zero game.

(Photo credit: victim #2, “Lilly” maybe??)

an advertisement you see on a high speed rail leaving tehran

try saturn conjunct south node / opposite north node . . . . js

when you have saturn and north node in the same house and sign……..