Hayao Miyazaki

Dating 101 (From a Man's Perspective)

One thing that's given me a huge advantage when it comes to dating is the fact that I'm always trying to understand men better. I've pulled aside nearly every single man I've grown close to at some point and asked "So, what do mean really want?". And what I've learned is that most men are pretty much the same when it comes to relationships. So with that, here's the tea on dating from a man's perspective!

All men are obsessed with one thing: Sex.

At their very core, men are obsessed with sex. They think about it constantly. They think about it at the gym, on the subway, at work, at the bar- it's on their minds basically 24/7. And most men will do everything in their power to get sex, including manipulating you to no end just to get your clothes off. So when you meet that gorgeous banker at the club that seems super attentive and engaging, don’t be naïve to the fact that at the very forefront of his mind is likely the hope that you’ll give it up to him by the end of the night. Too many women assume that the initial attention they get from men is genuine when for the most part, it's based on their need for sex. While this reality may be a bit disappointing, it's also kind of amazing. Why? Because if sex controls men, knowing how to use sex to your advantage allows you to control of men. Which brings me to the next point:

Nothing beats delayed gratification.

And I mean absolutely nothing. I know this is a hot take but ultimately, every man I’ve talked to on the matter feels the same way. Withholding sex for as long as possible only facilitates a deeper connection. When you immediately have sex with a man, your physical intimacy level doesn’t line up with the emotional intimacy you’ve built up to that point which can cause issues. It can cause him to value you less (it's silly, but things that are harder to attain are always perceived as more valuable) and lose interest because without an emotional connection, he'll feel like he's gotten what he wanted out of you. So wait for intimacy and once you've waited for as long as you can stand it, wait another month or two. That extra time will allow you to build a deeper emotional connection, allow the pent up excitement to magnetize x1000, and allow the first time to actually mean something. Also, some food for thought: a 2012 study from Cornell University surveyed couples about their relationship happiness, habits, and other intimate questions. Researchers said that participants who waited at least six months to have sex with their partners were actually happier than those who didn't.

Men get insecure too.

If you think you're the only one in the relationship that doesn't like the way your body looks or doesn't feel good enough for your job, you're mistaken. Just because your man isn't as vocal about his insecurities doesn't mean he has any less than you! Men just don't vocalize these insecurities because those who own up to them often feel as though being vulnerable is akin to admitting inadequacy. So they suffer in silence. And so a compliment here and there goes SUCH a long way because frankly, they need it. I always make a point to tell my man when his outfit looks great or when he does a great job on a task and every single time I do the sense of relief and gratitude is palpable. So try to become really attuned to your partner's insecurities and make sure to use compliments to buffer against them!

“He’s just not that into you".

Men are simple: if they want you, they'll do everything in their power to have you. Men have gone to war for women, lost their families for women, and even lost their lives for women. My own grandfather wrote letters every day to my grandmother for an entire year before she let him take her on a date. Trust me when I say that if a man isn't putting his all into a relationship, he's just not that into you. It's not his mommy issues, it's not his shitty job, it's not his depression, he's just not that into you. And as a woman, you have to be able to identify the fact immediately and walk away because it's simply not going to happen. Don't waste your time, just go find a man that is actually into you.

Most men watch porn.

And 99% of the men that do watch porn dedicate a horrifying amount of time watching porn. This is very important to know going into dating because porn creates an utterly false impression of what a normal body looks like and what sexual behavior is really about. It also creates a huge disconnect in a relationship because a relationship is meant to be a mutually satisfying expression of love but porn is about self-gratification and often involves dominating or mistreating the other person. So you have to understand how a man's relationship to porn can or will impact your relationship with him. If you're not comfortable with that impact, you have got to have an honest conversation about it. Personally, I don't feel comfortable with my man watching porn because most of it is downright abusive so I've had to have those uncomfortable conversations and while they're not fun, they're important. But moral of the story: yes, most men watch porn.

All men want to be heroes

And more importantly, they want to be heroes in the eyes of their partners. They need to feel like the knight in shining armor, the protector, and the savior to be content in the relationship. The "Hero Instinct" coined by Bauer, in a nutshell, is the fundamental need that men have to feel irreplaceable. When you take that role from them, they resent you. So sit back and let them feel like heroes. Let them hold the door open for you, replace that lightbulb, wipe your tears when you're sad, rescue you from an uncomfortable situation, etc. Most importantly, compliment them liberally when they do step up. Doing so will allow them to feel secure and in control, and in return allow you to feel cherished and cared for.

No man can resist one thing

If there's one thing that's irresistible to all men, it's motherly love and affection. A man's relationship with his mother is what allows him to develop vulnerability and intimacy in romantic relationships. So when you give a man that warm and loving energy, all guards will drop. He will become more attentive and caring, he will become more honest and respectful, and he will trust you more. Don't believe me? Next time you have some free time, gently grab your man by the arm, lead him to a comfortable sitting area, pull his head into your lap, and stroke his hair. Don't say anything, just allow him to lay and relax. I can guarantee you that he'll become putty in your arms and open up in ways he never has. So try to show your man that nurturing side of you whenever you can and watch the relationship transform significantly.

Lovingly,

Elle

Coachella 2024 🌴

“When a flower doesnt bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.”

— Alexander Den Heijer

book review: Stolen focus by Johann Hari

Major learnings from this book. It basically talks about focus, why and how we’re losing it. Why can’t we pay attention anymore? Are we individuals to blame or our systems? 

There will be a time when the upper class will be extremely aware of the risks to their attention (caused by tech, social media, our current generation) and the masses, with fewer resources to resist the temptation of technology, will be manipulated more and more by their computers. 

Multitasking is a myth. What actually happens when we multitask is that we “juggle” between tasks. This results in incomplete tasks, higher error rates, less focus, less creativity and memory decreases. 

Sleep is extremely important, especially sleeping according to nature - when the sun sets and sun rises. If the whole world slept the way we are naturally programmed, we would have an economic earthquake. Our economic systems run on sleep deprived people. 

Reading online and reading print has a huge difference. Reading online creates tendencies of skimming and scanning text. This prevents our brain from focusing intently on one story at a time, which print allows you to do. You also remember and understand things from printed texts better. 

Empathy. Certain research suggests that reading fiction and novels improves empathy, because you are immersing yourself in another character’s life for a while. Empathy has played a huge role in human advancements. If a group of white people did not realise that colonisation was wrong, if men did not realise that women deserve equal rights, we would not have independent nations nor be close to gender equality today. 

There are multiple types of paying attention. Focused attention is one thing. But day dreaming and letting your mind wander with no distraction (that is, being alone with your thoughts) is equally important. Some of the most important breakthroughs in human history were because the inventors were not actively focusing on solving the problem. 

Being on social media = giving a free pass to be manipulated. No thoughts, opinions, desires that you have are original. They have all been fed into you by social media and the online world. It is by their design that we cannot focus. 

Leaked internal records of Facebook show that they are aware that their algorithms exploit the human brain’s attraction to divisiveness. 64% of people, for instance, who join extremist groups join because FB’s algorithm directly recommends too. “Our recommendation systems grow the problem.” Zuckerberg eventually terminated the unit that was studying this. 

Diet and attention. The diet we consumed today is a diet that causes regular energy spikes and energy crashes. Our food does not have the nutrients we need for our brains to function well. Our current diets actively contain chemicals that seem to act on our brains almost like drugs.  

Be careful about reading research, especially when it’s funded by the industry itself. For 40 years, the lead industry funded all the scientific research into whether it was safe, and assured the world that it was. Lead later turned out to severely stunt your ability to focus and pay attention and that you are more likely to get ADHD. 

We define success broadly as economic growth. Economies should het bigger, companies should get bigger. Growth can happen in two ways - either the companies find new markets or they persuade the existing consumers to consume more. If you can get people to eat more or to sleep less, you’ve found the source of economic growth. It results in people working overtime, not having enough time with family, friends and themselves, stress and anxiety prone, lack of sleep and bad health, etc. 

Conclusion: use precommitment to stop switching tasks, try to focus more on intrinsic motivation than extrinsic, go off social media periodically (say 1 month at a time) and then extend those breaks; everyday spend 1 hour in walking in silence (no music, conversations or people- and if this is in nature, even better) to connect with yourself, 8 hours of sleep every night, build on slow practices like yoga, cut out processed food, take your PTO!!

You will disappoint people you care about when you put yourself first.

Perspectives shifts to make peace with this:

• Disappointment is unavoidable; it’s part of being human.

• Putting yourself first doesn’t mean you care less about others.

• You can’t pour from an empty cup—your well-being matters.

• People who truly care will understand your need for boundaries.

• Disappointment is temporary; resentment from overgiving lasts longer.

• Prioritizing yourself sets an example for others to do the same.

• Your worth isn’t tied to how much you sacrifice for others.

• Saying “no” to others is saying “yes” to yourself.

• You’re responsible for your happiness, not their expectations.

• Growth often feels uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for a fulfilling life.

When it comes to family (as many such cases):

• Family expectations can feel heavier, but you’re still allowed to set boundaries.

• Disappointing them doesn’t mean you don’t love them—it means you’re human.

• Your needs matter, even if they don’t always align with family traditions or values.

• You can explain your choices, but you’re not responsible for their feelings.

• Loving your family doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself.

• Putting yourself first can strengthen relationships by reducing resentment.

• Healthy boundaries lead to healthier family dynamics over time.

• It’s okay to grow in a direction that feels right for you, even if they don’t understand.

• You are not obligated to meet everyone’s expectations—family or not.

• Peace comes from accepting that love & disappointment can coexist.

#Tips

another big list?

Start from the top down.

Start with your hair. I wore wigs for years, switched to clip-ins and extensions for convenience, and now my hair is healthy enough to wear on its own. Figure out what you want to do with your hair in terms of style and colour and begin nourishing it so that it looks good and you’re happy with the way you choose to wear it. Wigs are a great option and I know so many women of different races and ages who choose to wear them because it’s convenient and they’re able to do whatever they want without worrying about how their natural hair will react to drastic changes.

Find a skincare routine that suits your needs and run with it. I’ve experimented a lot and finally settled on a routine and it works for me, my face, shoulders, décolletage, and neck look good, and I’m comfortable in my own skin. Finding a routine that works for you and doesn’t break the bank is SO important for the entire process and your skin is your largest organ and a good reflection of your health. The one thing I will say is sunscreen and a good lip balm are a part of every good skincare routine.

Drink more water and either eat or drink your greens. I thought juicing was a joke for the longest time and I didn’t enjoy it at all but I started drinking hella water, juicing, and focusing on small ways to improve my health and I feel better. I drink iron supplements, make sure I’m getting my greens in by drinking juices (still experimenting with this one), make sure to have at least 2.5 litres of water every day, take my supplements, and feel great. Not everyone needs supplements and a bunch of extras but they can be great for the women that do have deficiencies and I love my selection.

Get to the gym. I do pilates 6 days weekly, go to barre on Sundays, walk 10,000 steps daily, keep up with my cardio, and do some light lifting to stay in shape and I actually look much better than I ever have. Making sure to move your body is an essential part of success and surgery can’t and won’t fix everything; you need to put the work in to see real results and going to the gym can be the most satisfying experience. I’ve been getting more into swimming and trying to swim early mornings and embracing water aerobics and fun classes, I’ve been having the time of my life keeping my body toned, and my stamina has majorly improved.

Find a hair removal routine that works for you and stick with it. I favoured epilation for the longest time but my sister in law convinced me to try the woman she goes to for laser so I’m going to switch to that. Having smooth skin, no hair, and a good canvas for whatever you’re choosing to do with your body is so important and keeping your body moisturised and free of ingrown hairs and bumps is so satisfying. I personally use exfoliate and use oil whilst my skin is still wet from the shower and then use lotion to make sure my skin is deeply moisturised and I love the sheen it gives my skin.

Do not start down the surgery path unless you know how to say no to yourself. It’s extremely important that you don’t start fucking around with fillers, botox, implants, and the entire world of surgery unless you know when to stop and when to tell yourself no. One of the saddest things in the world is seeing women who’ve gone too far and have started looking for cheap surgery in order to keep going or somehow get their old look back. Don’t start with surgery if you can’t afford quality surgeons, don’t get procedures you don’t need just to fit in, don’t go too far, and listen to doctors when the tell you that they don’t think that you need something.

Maybe this is just me but maybe it’s not. I think that everyone looks good with a little bit of colour but the key is only going for what’s natural for the skin tone you already have. I only tan a little bit, I never go too dark, I try not to let myself get patchy, and I don’t go for any unnatural forms of self tan. I call the colour I go for ‘summertime glow’ and I love it because it’s natural and not at all orange, perfectly bronze, and it suits me whilst still looking like my natural skin colour. The goal is beachy vacation, not whole different race. I also think that self tanning is great for covering up scars and it gives you a little bit of warmth when the weather turns dreary.

Figure out what works for your nails and stick with it. Literally every woman I work with has a French tip, I see how a little tip has suited my sisters, and I found that a little acrylic overlay and gel polish work wonders for me. I’ve done the same nail combo ever since I moved to Texas and I love the way it looks, it gets me the MOST compliments from men, and it’s simple enough to match every outfit. I talk about French tips constantly and how they’ve never done me wrong so I’ll leave off here but having a go to nail combo for your mani-pedi will take so much stress out of your daily routine and help your o look polished even when you’re down.

Experiment with perfumes, soaps, and scents but DO NOT overdo it. Experimenting with scents, figuring out what suits you, trying out custom blends, and finding ways to enjoy perfume will bring joy to your life. I love love love perfume and experimenting with different scents and I think that the perfumes and scent blends I choose to wear have levelled up my look exponentially. You don’t have to spend a million dollars on designer perfumes when you can work with soaps, scrubs, and affordable choices, there are so many indie perfume makers who have great blends, and it’s fun to start with samples and work from there so that you can figure out what you like without breaking the bank or having to do lots of blind buys.

Makeup and accessories are going to go into one category because I talk about both far too often but I’m going to tell you this: less is more when you don’t know what you’re doing. If you don’t know how to apply makeup then maybe starting off with a full face, heavy contour and conceal, and a complicated eye isn’t the way to go. Start slow, watch tutorials, take the time to learn what you’re doing, and don’t spend millions on high quality makeup before you know what you’re doing and know what you like. It’s the same with choosing your accessories; don’t buy a million different bracelets and necklaces before you know what you’re doing or you know what your personal style is and don’t chase after aesthetics and ideals that don’t fit you and waste money on trends that you actually hate.

All things I’ve said before.