Storyteller

friends asked me to draw a bee with a binky here you guys can have it too

One of the features of abusive family environment is not being allowed to talk about past events. It’s unwritten law that you’re not supposed to mention that one time when your parent screamed at you, swore and called you slurs, broke something of yours, hit you, threw something at you, threw a tantrum and punished you when you did nothing wrong, failed to support you, failed to acknowledge you as a person, dismissed all that you do like it doesn’t matter. If you mention it, and acknowledge that it’s a thing that happened, and something they’ve done, you’re risking them doing it all over agian, just to “teach you better than to mention such thing”. 

It’s normal in abusive environments to always continue as if nothing happened, as if what happened was just some kind of isolated incident that is probably not going to happen again, and you’re scared to cause it again by mentioning it. I’ve seen abusive parents throw unbeliveable amount of rage, threats and violence at their children, disappear for a while, then come back with a smile like nothing at all happened, like the event before wasn’t even real for them, making you feel like you could have just imagined it all. Children would be just so relived that the rage is over, they wouldn’t dare to mention it again, they just wanted it to not repeat. The fear of abuser gets overwhelming to the point where holding them accountable isn’t even a priority anymore, you’re not even expecting an apology or guilt over what they’ve done, you just end up feeling confused and helpless and hope to god they don’t explode again. You focus on tiptoeing around them and praying not to trigger another outburst, feeling like it could be your fault if it happens again. 

These “incidents” are never isolated or accidental, abuser can bring them on whenever they want, to get more fear and control over the household, and they know it. They’re using the outbursts intentionally to keep the rest of the family on their toes, scared and ready to obey out of fear. They know they’ll get more tiptoeing and leeway and get away with anything and get special treatment as a reward for abusive behaviour. 

Other way I’ve seen abusers deal with this is to pretend as if they’re too ashamed or too guilty to talk about those things, and everyone should stop reminding them as they already feel bad enough, of course they’re going to say it angrily, so you know that calling them out is dangerous, and then of course, do the abusive behaviour over, and over again, making is extremely doubtful about just how guilty they feel. If a person experiences guilt and shame after their behaviour, it’s unlikely they will repeat it, because it would hurt them too, so if they do repeat it, it’s more likely that their “guilt” was just a lie.

I actually thought every family had such “secrets” they’re not allowed to mention and it was common to not bring up the dirty laundry on other family members, until I heard a friend chat with their mom about something messed up that happened years and years in the past. I was shocked to hear that to them it was a completely normal thing to talk about, there wasn’t a thing that was forbidden to mention! Mentioning past events wasn’t used against anyone or to hurt anyone, it was just something to learn from and analyze and discuss, and this is normal for all events, everything should be talked about.

Linda Gregg

in another universe, i learn to be at peace with myself. there is no rage, no grief, and i love to my fullest.

Victoria Chang, "Far Along In The Story", The Trees Witness Everything

Nosferatu is so blatant and unsubtle in its depiction of a vampire attack as being analogous to sexual assault, and there will still be people saying ‘you guys are intellectually lazy and Weird for saying so’. alright well he attacks his victim in the night, in bed or summoned from their beds against their will, and they wake up bloody with their clothes torn off, feeling violated. Nosferatu climbs on top of Thomas in bed and assaults him. even later, when they know they’re dealing with a monster or demon, he tries to tell Ellen and can’t, because it’s ‘too foul’. and people claiming Ellen summoned Orlok ‘accidentally on purpose’ is borderline offensive to be honest. she was a child - praying - and she said ‘God, an angel, a spirit, please, anything, comfort me’ - she obviously wasn’t thinking to the dark end of what ‘anything’ could encompass, and the film definitely isn’t about her taking ‘responsibility’ for a problem she ‘created’. in what world is Eternal Evil this girl’s fault in the first place.

Even if they say “they didn’t mean it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “they don’t remember it”, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they say “you’re delusional, I would never do that, you made it up”, they’re still responsible for what they did, and for trying to gaslight and invalidate your memories.

Even if they say “I didn’t do it, and even if I did, I would be right to do it”, they’re still guilty for what they did.

Even if they have excuses, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they act like it would have been crazy to expect from them to act any different way, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they come at you with an entire agenda of how you should perceive what they did so it actually “benefits you”, even if they insist they did it for your own good, they’re still responsible for what they did to you, and for lying about it.

Even if they cry about how much it pains them to be accused of hurting you, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if they cry about how much they love you and how they did it all out of love and never meant to hurt you, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they act like what they did shouldn’t have hurt you and you’re the one responsible for taking damage, for being sensitive to being abused, it’s still their responsibility for what they did to you.

Even if they blame you for what they did to you, they’re still responsible for what they did.

Even if they insist someone else did it to them too, even if they insist they had it worse than you, even if they say it’s a cultural thing, they’re still responsible for what they did to you.

Even if it was long ago, and they act like you’re wrong for remembering such old wrong doing, it’s still something they did, and they’re still responsible for doing it.

They can lie and deny and accuse and blame and invalidate and gaslight. It doesn’t absolve them of responsibility for what they did. It doesn’t absolve them from guilt.

Nothing can absolve abusers from responsibility for their own actions. Nothing.

Abusive parents force you to hide things you would otherwise never have to worry about hiding, because you learn that they can flip out about anything, make a scene from anything, misunderstand one detail and go insane over it. So you don’t tell them about anything you can avoid, and you try to deal with things yourself as much as humanely possible, which takes the burden of taking care of you from them, and onto your shoulders.

This is dangerous as well because you don’t tell them about a friend who did something horrible to you, you don’t tell them about a sociopath who tried to groom or touch you, you don’t tell them about horrifying heartbreak you feel when someone abandons you, you don’t tell them when your world is falling apart because you know that at best, they’ll be uninterested, at worst, they will tell you it was your fault and you deserved it.

Living in secrecy becomes normal and when you develop trauma symptoms it once again feels like it’s your fault because you never said anything, you never told them how much they were hurting you, you didn’t speak up and open up about your problems. But how in the world would you? You know if you had, all that you would get is insults, blame, threats, guilt and shame thrown in your face, how could you possibly take that on top of having trauma symptoms? You can’t, it’s not worth risking. Suffering in silence becomes your only survival option, and you watch your heart break a little more every day that nobody cares that you’re breaking apart.

bitches hate me for my earnest whimsy and my pathological degree of avoidant behavior