Grin And Bear It, She Told Herself From The Mirror.

this is super late but since lili is participating in the writing challenge for this term, i would love to get her some more threads and/or new plots/connections, if you have more space this term for something new, i'd love to connect! please like this and i'll drop by a message your way! + lili is on the animal crossing team for the halloween secret rewards / gig 025, if anyone is free for another thread!

@LGCENT just posted a photo!

first snow fall of the year! did your wish come true? 

#lgctrainees #lgcent #xulili

໒꒱ . BLACK BANQUET # REFLECTION 、

when asked to reflect — inquiries under the pretense of theory and hypothesis — lili feels this is legacy’s own way of leashing them. a toxic reminder that the wrong attitude could land you on the wrong side of the public masses all wrapped up in a situational ‘what if’ of an interview. 

so, lili sprinkles a little truth in each answer — but not too much, even if her own thoughts on the matter were of little concern. 

“it doesn’t really matter to me — i was just in the background, but it is kind of annoying that they’ll have to reshoot a bunch of stuff though. i’m sure the production staff must be exhausted, and i feel sorry for them. it’s a pricy mess, too.”  

truthfully, if lili had been a little more committed to the project, she probably would be frustrated. but since she wasn’t —

“what type of scandal?” she teases, before shrugging her shoulders — her face flattening to its default blankness as she thinks about it. “i'd probably do the opposite of what han sohee did.” she fanned the flames of her own  demise, really. 

didn’t she know the general public loved a tragedy — tearing down a blinded-by-love starlet was probably their afternoon snack in between their boring 9-to-5 and 5-to-9. 

“it would have blown over if she had just put the phone down,” and unilaterally kept her head down. ugh, the thought of it makes lili want to scoff. if it had been a man — he would have been praised for his blatant display of genuine love. but since it was a woman — lili tries not to frown. “people forget in time, or when another piece as equally — or better yet — more interesting drops.”  

from a realistic standpoint, lili thinks it’ll only be a matter of time before she’s accused of having an attitude problem — standing at the pinnacle of a misogynistic society does that to a person, especially if said person was a woman. she wouldn’t be surprised if she was prosecuted for even less than what han sohee had embroiled herself into. 

where they differed was that lili would never sacrifice career and face over a man — not when such a man did nothing to shield her from the backlash. god, reading the headlines the weeks before nearly had her gagging. such a waste, she thinks.

it’s easy enough to say it’ll never happen to her — but no one really knows the future, and lili was a time bomb ready to explode at the most minor inconvenience. “there’s really no avoiding a scandal — people try to make the most smallest of things into something newsworthy, it’s just the truth. getting in front of such a situation would probably be the smartest.” hiding things that should be kept hidden could only work so well — and for the filthy rich — but lili liked to think realistically, and while she liked to think she didn’t have anything to hide, there were some things she knew — about herself, her life, through experience — that could quickly turn from her sweetest advantage to the professional-fatal knife in her back. “that or being a nice person but no one is a perfect saint.”

most especially, lili.

230428

there were many things lili should be right now:

encouraging, sympathetic — even more, empathetic — a good pillar of support to a friend who was going through something that lili could only understand at surface level.

what lili should not be right now is bitter.

but her little green friend sits high on her shoulder, on a pedestal of envy that could not be toppled with something as heartfelt as ‘being a good friend’. no, lili had never been a good friend — even when she tried her hardest, at her core, she was a selfish friend who was also ambitious to a fault. so, when she sees someone else who had something that she wanted and could never get — well, something had to give.

unfortunately, lili was not a giving person.

( at least not in that way )

yujin was only being honest. and any good, trustworthy friend should be considerate to the other’s feelings. but was there anything lili could say to remedy the situation that didn’t sound so … volatile? nothing seemed to come to mind, everything that nearly dripped from her lips felt like a slap to the face waiting to happen. 

so, instead, she sighs when yujin regresses and instantly she feels a pang of guilt shoot right into her gut at how she had nearly bit the other's head off, but before she could stop herself and lessen the blow; her ugly head reared itself again, “so, you got everything you could have ever wanted, yujin, the pressure should have been expected as a trade off to debuting, right?”

there was always a give and take with these things — fame wasn’t given to the weak. "wasn’t this why we spent all this time training so that we wouldn’t break under this type of pressure?"

yujin knew how lucky she was to be in this position after failing future dreams. the doom she felt in her chest the following week was unsettling, and she started to prepare what she would do if she couldn't debut. she had trained for so many years that not debuting on that show had felt like all her hard work was starting to slip through her fingers.

to debut into crystallis, there was a new set of pressure on her shoulders, and yujin felt it from the managers and the fans, who probably weren't so pleased with the latest additions to the group. for the rest of her career, she will play catch-up with the other girls and constantly prove her worth, that she has every right to be there on that stage.

these words shamelessly slipped from the blonde's mouth to her friend, lili. she didn't want to complain or seem ungrateful, but there was something still so unsettling about her placement now. it would take time for her to get used to everything, to being an idol and in a group that was already so well established. there was always going to be some sort of struggle in this journey, but as long as she was able to get this off her chest, yujin would feel better.

well, she thought she would feel better if the tone shift didn't make yujin fidget in her seat. there was a small smile that tightened on her lip. maybe she was thinking way too much into this.

"ah, nothing... i think it was just something i needed to share with someone i trust. you work so hard to get to this point, and you never realize the amount of pressure set on you to be perfect."

“hypothetically!” lili adds after the fact. though, despite herself, fiery temperament and all, lili did know how to be professional. and the last thing she wanted to do was embarrass herself — and sure, by extension jisoo, as well — in front of people she could very well work with again in the future. one could never know what the future had in store, building roots rather than burning bridges should be her main priority.

( even if lili was too good at burning bridges, today she’ll play nice )

“don’t worry, i’ll be good.”

if being good meant putting her pretty smile, only to complain to jisoo’s ear after the shoot, then yes — lili will be oh so good.

“the face is off limits but who said the ribs or the ankles couldn’t take a kick or two?” she’s joking, now, obviously. lili would rather admit defeat than risk breaking a nail, or worse, getting a scar on any part of her. 

call her surprised; a brow raising in expectation at his words. “is this really the han jisoo? or has some alien taken over your body? or maybe you’re a business-minded double?” anything she wanted? oh, where has this jisoo been all her life? willfully ignoring the 'within reason' addition, she smiles, “really — anything at all?”

if there's anyone that can provoke a reaction out of him, there's two people that up in his mind, and one of them is lili. for sure! headlining the main act : li yifei. congratutions. "now why would you be starting a fight in the middle of a shoot, if not on purpose." there's a finger at his temple, and jisoo allows her to have this sigh that escapes from his throat unwillingly.

there's some silence between them as jisoo simply stares at lili, unsure of how to even entertain or respond to this. comedic reply? or a stern reply? "i'll pull haru out of there myself if i have to, no black eyes allowed for anyone. some arguing back and forth? by all means, get into it emotionally if you have to. makes for better content. or something like that." of course, out of earshot of anyone else, who could hear him encouraging a disagreement. he's sure that neither of the starring parties would let it get that far.

"if there's something that will make you behave, speak it aloud and if i can make it happen, i will. do you want something on set? or off set? i can have it delivered if," emphasis on if, jisoo says with enunciation, "if its within reason."

໒꒱ . MODELING GIG # 003 _ AURORA REVIEW 、

one would think that lili’s first thought of being selected for a model for a brand would be of course it would be me — but you could not be anymore wrong.

she is surprised, so much so that she doesn’t believe it at first. 

being selected as a brand model is an honor — not a right — truly a privilege bestowed upon her by some higher power — was it jisoo? or had it been pure luck? — that lili had no hand in. and this is what stumps her — the go-getter in her is baffled that such a prestige just lands in her hands. 

( because lili knows —

seen it,

lived it,

had the deepest of traumas to prove it,

nothing is really that easy )

putting her feelings into words had never been easy. even now, she has yet to exclusively apologize to jisoo for things she knows she’s done, and if she were being honest, she probably will never really give him the apology he deserves. so, asking to put her feelings on the matter into words as so under the guise of reviewing the video of the brand’s overall concept as done through the eyes of its creator, lili may be a little less obliged to speak.

but — since it is lili — she has things to say, even if she doesn’t truly wish for them to be said.

“i like it.” she says at first, as if testing out how the compliment tastes on the tongue. it’s not bad — maybe because it’s not ingenuine. “it has an understated elegance that you would usually feel with an older standing brand.” a remark that flatters the brand for understanding its roots and not straying from it. 

“han jisoo-씨 has quite the eye.” would she have utter it to his face? would he hear these words from others? would lili have preferred it if he did? “i’m glad i was given the chance to be a part of this, i don’t know what other brand i could identify more with. i might even buy something for my grandmother.” another keepsake her grandmother would say she cherishes only to be thrown to the back of her wardrobe with the rest of lili’s unnecessary gifts to the matriarch. 

“or maybe i’ll buy one for myself.” a testament to a triumph she'd like to remember for later.

in a perfect world, it would have just been lili and minkyu. just them, no need for lili to act up for anyone, let alone minkyu.

but this wasn’t a perfect world — as reality so helpfully liked to remind lili — and instead of it being just lili and minkyu. it was just lili and minkyu and a handful of cameras that were panning in on their every move and recording their every word. the things she would rather do — the things she would rather say are swept under her tongue and instead replaced with an appropriate, friendly smile rather than the snarky and amused — chagrin, almost — smirk.

a face the public could grow to like — a face she knows like the back of her hand. 

“i suppose you’ve got one thing going for you: good taste.” she laughs, eyes twinkling at the compliment thrown her way. despite of herself, lili knew she couldn’t deny herself the flattery.

( it was one of her weaknesses, ugh — remind her to lock it up later )

she takes his arm for hers to hold, squeezing his arm, gently, as she smiles at him. “ah, you caught me.” she laughs, lightly. “honestly, it was one of my favorite things to do when i lived in beijing. it’s like a whole event — you’d see huge, huge kites flying all around. it’s also about around this time when it’s held and i just wanted to share it with a special someone — thankfully, it’s you.” 

“oh, and we won’t just be flying them,” she’s steering him down the path towards the little workshop she had spent the past week researching. her steps growing hurried as they grow closer that the hand at his arm snakes down to grab his hand instead so they could rush forward. 

and once they do, in a plethora of sparkling hand gestures and a smile practically spilling of sunshine and warmth — god, was it aching her cheeks — “we’re also going to be making the kites!”

In Lili's company, there's an immediate sense of comfort that envelops him. Perhaps it's the deep bond of their friendship or the effortless harmony they share, but filming this reality show suddenly feels far more exhilarating than he had ever imagined.

With her, he doesn't feel the need to conform to any particular persona or mannerisms; he can simply revel in being his authentic self, secure in the knowledge that their natural dynamic will resonate with viewers.

"Who did I expect?" he ponders aloud, pretending to mull it over for a moment, mock-serious, "Some Hollywood celebrity, of course," before breaking into a grin. "Honestly, all I hoped for was someone with a pretty smile and a contagious laugh, and you fit the bill perfectly. I couldn't ask for more." His words aren't just for show or because he knows female viewers will be swooning in this moment; he genuinely means them.

Offering his arm for her to hold on to as they begin to walk, his glance casts up at the sky dotted with kites. "I'm sure flying kites will be a blast, although I've never tried it before," he confesses with somewhat of a sheepish smile. "I can't help but wonder how you came up with such a unique date idea, though. Is there a specific meaning to your choice?" His focus is solely on Lili, every ounce of attention on no one but her suddenly. "It's definitely one-of-a-kind."

fun was not the word that could explain her mood but she supposes it was the best way to … levy the anguish that was swirling inside her. if she had expected anyone to stop her, such a feat goes without notice, their presence easily slipping through the doors like sand between ones fingers; quick, hard to hold onto and without fail, easy to miss. 

lili knew she would hear no end of it later but she didn’t care about that, at least not now.

for the remainder of her birthday, lili wanted it to be about her.

and rather than wallow at home, moping about another failed birthday, she mulls jisoo’s suggestion with a tilt of her head; bracing the new year’s cold with a quick tug of her jacket around her shoulders. “what do you have in mind?” the night was still young but — it was the beginning of the new year, what were the odds somewhere had room to accommodate them?

it really didn't feel like a birthday dinner at all, and it makes jisoo think that they ought to rewind a few days and have had a mutual celebration instead. it's not too late, considering how its going. belated never hurt anyone ( well, on paper. but with lili, it could always play out to be a different story ) but anything seems to be better than this. the whole event was decorated as a farce for lili's birthday but the charade did not match. the memo was missed. and no birthday cake even!

jisoo is dressed for the occasion but the celebratory part seems to be amiss as he sat for majority of the eve, legs crossed and observant at the lack of anything truly happening. trying to stay quiet through the droll of speeches, there was only so many bathroom and water breaks he could take while not ditching his friend's side.

"yes, time does fly when you're.... having fun." he clears his throat, glancing at his watch. "i think it is time to head out. if you'll excuse us," his family did have a dog, settling perfectly at home with his parents, but it would be well-suited as an excuse if anyone asked for proof of photos. he hadn't brought anything with him that wasn't already on his body, lest his coat so with that in hand, he is already on tailspin on the way out. he prefers to have lili go ahead of him, in case anyone starts asking about why they were leaving so early, or that they not ought to go.

only when they're out of earshot, and sight and having turned the corner, jisoo glances at lili fully first before opening his mouth again. a conversation with her at times could be described as standing in the middle of a fork. which way to go? "would you rather head home or be on autopilot and we still end up celebrating your birthday a little more quietly between the two of us? we're already out and dressed for it."

a hand shoots up — “wait, wait — i said i sucked, i didn’t — do you think i’m a loser?” should she get her ears checked? did she, lili xu, actually sound that bad for ichika to immediately dismiss her as the affronted and absolutely — totally uncalled for — damning title of ‘loser’?

she feels herself default — not from discouragement — but the shock. never had lili ever felt herself feel so crestfallen — so rug pulled out from under her bewildered. again, it begs the question of: why was lili even here?

lili groans, feeling a crease iron itself permanently between her brows in concern. “was it really that bad?” lili was no japanese maestro but even she didn’t think she had failed as miserably to deem it — oh, god, lili didn’t even want to repeat it again.

she sniffs, bringing the stylus back to the document she had pulled up on her ipad where the rest of her diligent — but messy in the way a chaotic mind like lili could only understand — notes lay. “fine, if that’s what you think is best.” she taps the end of the pen against her cheek as she thinks.

“it’s supposed to be a mock of some hosting event, right?” she asks for clarification — “how would i even begin?”

In all honesty, Ichika did feel for some of her trainees. She had assumed that they would come with more experience but seeing that someone like Lili was being asked to perform without much exposure well, the more she thought about it, the more on-brand it seemed. When she was a trainee, there had been girls who had been chosen to take part in LGC Girls Japan with very limited Japanese, and some of them had been given more lines than she had. As long as you were able to make it work, what was the problem? Or so, she assumed the mindset was. 

“You are not a loser,” she replies even, shaking her head slightly. “You’re only a loser if you do not try.”

And to her credit, Lili does try. Ichika had dipped her toe into learning Mandarin over the last year, but for someone to ask her to host with a trace of fluency would have been hard. “You /are/ improving.” She assures the younger woman, “So long as you show effort, that’s what’s important. I want you to keep practicing your pronunciation and I’ll see about preparing you a phonetic script to practice with. If you can show confidence in speaking and continue to practice, a lot of errors can be forgiven. I’m sure you experienced that when you first came to Korea, as well.” 

Unlike the other two, Ichika knew that Lili went through a similar situation when she came to Korea years ago, and with that alone, she knew Lili was not a loss cause. “Actually, how about this: I want you to write down what you want to say and we can work on translating it. We can work from there.”