Teacher: I Think It’s A Reasonable Assumption That None Of You Have Ever Been Shot.

Nah. I cut my own fringe blind and cut my fingernail in a pencil sharpener

reblog if u too have shaved off your eyebrows bc u were like 12 and deficient in impulse control

Steve: Stop saying 'I wish' and start saying 'I will' to become a happier person.

Peter: I will my parents and uncle didn't die.

Bucky: I will I didn't fall off a train and get brainwashed.

Thor: I will Loki didn't die agai-

Steve: And that's enough sharing for today, everyone!

Oof

Loki at Midtown Tech: I have come to kidnap my adopted gremlin friend

Office Lady: I’m not sure who you mean. Would you like to ask over the PA system?

Loki: I would love too.

Loki into the mic: Hey gremlin, we’re gonna fight a god and kick his ass. And then we’re gonna cause mischief with the vent bird

Meanwhile in Peter’s classroom

Teacher: Well that was weird. Probably someone playing a prank...Peter, why are you getting up?

Peter: I’m gonna fight a god, kick ass and cause mischief with the vent bird. It helps a snake and spider de-stress.

Teacher: You know what? I don’t care anymore. “Fight a god” as long as you get your work done.

Ned after a moment: snake... snake... Wait, does that mean that was Loki?!

“Sometimes words aren’t enough and that’s why we have middle fingers.”

- Clint.

TW: Dark humor.(?)

I can't stop thinking about Tony and Peter casually joking about death and shocking everyone around them like us Gen z's do with our friends.

~~~~~

Peter: I hope the light at the end of my tunnel is a fucking train.

~~~~~

Tony: I used to be a playboy but now all I want on top of me is 6ft of dirt.

~~~~~

Random bad guy: I'll snap your neck

Peter: I'll let you

~~~~~

Tony: I swear to God I'm gonna start a hit list.

Peter: I volunteer

~~~~~

Kidnapper: *hands them a gun* One of you has to die.

Tony: I will

Peter: No let me do it

Tony: Get behind me I'll shoot both of us

~~~~~

Robber: *Aiming a gun at Peter but hesitating to shoot him*

Peter: Would you like me to pull the trigger?

~~~~~

Bad guy: I'll kill you.

Peter: I'll fucking do it for you.

~~~~~

Tony: Don't come Heimlich me if I start choking cause that's my ticket out of here and if you save me then your fake and just want what you can't have.

~~~~~

Tony: *staring at a vase of dead flowers*

Peter: lol you wish that was you huh?

Avengers as stupid shit my friends have said

Clint: That’s not a watermelon, that’s a fetus!

Nat: You shoulda kicked him in the nuts

Tony: You know what I is!

Also Tony: I’m a vagina expert

Sam to Bucky: Too painful to date

Bruce: In space there’s always a bigger rock

Wanda: Troublesome gay

Peter when someone says don’t fail: I fail at everything

Shuri: And not get pushed off roofs by furries

Bucky: So last night I ditched my friends and made an accurate representation of my soul. Cold, hard, black, shiny stone. Also somewhat damaged and incomplete.

Scott: I can’t believe they landed on me having sex! I mean get a room!

Pepper: Thanks, I hate it

Steve: I’m American

Peter from the other room: I thought you were a lesbian!

Carol: Okay who here isn’t gay?

Hope: Thanks, wish you weren’t here

Vision: I’ve tested positive for gay

Loki (even though technically not an Avenger): I LOVE STABBING CHILDREN!!

Tchalla: I ripped it apart with my bare hands!

Thor, clueless: What’s a handjob?

Clint: Sorry I took so long, I broke down on the way here.

Natasha: Oh, is your car okay?

Clint: Car?

Natasha:

Clint:

Everyone proceeds to look at him weird

Peter: My parents died when I was a child, I watched my Uncle get shot and everyday’s despair when I go out at night

Flash: Penis, what the fuck?!

Peter: You’ll know what I’m talking about soon enough

Also Peter as Spider-Man at a press conference: I promised my class I would explain a comment I made after being told to write about our happiest childhood memory. So here it is. *takes mask off*

Mr Harrington: today's activity is easy! Just write about your happiest childhood memory!

Peter: my what now

Loki: Apparently spite isn’t a good answer to what motivates you.