Look Man. Look

look man. look

essek saying "bren" out loud, claiming a position on caleb's side as the mouthpiece of his regards to astrid, did something to me. i can't tell if it opened a wound or punched me or gave me a hug. all i know is that i am feeling so many emotions right now

more under the cut because i'm about to get rambly:

"bren aldric ermendrud" is a separate character from caleb widogast. he's a young boy learning how to make magic. he's a deeply traumatized and indoctrinated teenager. he's the boy who curled up with astrid and eadwulf in a freezing tower for warmth all night.

essek never met bren. he met caleb and he's never known him as anyone else. if i'm remembering correctly, caleb never even said the name "bren" to him during the campaign, and neither did any of the nein.

essek knows caleb widogast. he knows the man who held up the object of his worst crime and then kissed him in the bowels of a ship and made a floor of infinite stars for them to walk through together. he knows the person who healed over bren's wounds—thinly, but enough. he knows the man that the boy has become.

astrid knows bren. she barely knows who caleb is. she still calls him bren after hearing him referred to as caleb repeatedly. she can't know him as the man he is, she only knows the boy. there's some of bren in caleb, but there is no caleb in bren.

essek saying "bren sends his regards" is him gauging astrid's reaction, on one level—if she freaks out, which she did, she's in opposition to caleb's cause and thus a threat. on another level, it's essek delivering a very different subtextual message from caleb: "the boy who loved you is giving you one final warning."

because essek is a threat to astrid. their last meaningful interaction was slinging spells at each other in the blooming grove. and that's funny in a "current boyfriend vs ex girlfriend exclusively fight each other" kind of way, but it's also deeply tied to caleb's recurring theme of transformation. "bren sends his regards" also means "i have healed enough to love enough for someone else to know this name and use it with my consent. and this someone else is your enemy. what does that make you think i've become?"

it also does a fantastic job of communicating subtle offscreen discussions that have happened over the years since the end of c2. we don't have the details of when or how caleb told essek his birth name, but we know that he did, and we know from all of c2 that the name bren occupies a place of immense emotional weight for caleb. it functions similarly to a deadname in terms of who uses it and for what purpose. trent exclusively calls caleb bren to wound him and place himself in a position of power. astrid calls him bren to remind both him and herself of who they used to be—same with eadwulf, though obviously he's not here.

the first time we hear essek say "bren" is on caleb's behalf and confronting one of the narrative representations of caleb's trauma. it's four words that manage to communicate "i, your enemy on a hundred levels, can speak for both the man i love and the boy who loved you, because i know him in his entirety."

astrid knows bren and essek knows caleb, but only essek can speak for both. because at some point, caleb gave bren to essek. and we know this from four words. four IMPROVISED words.

god. this moment is just so fucking good

More Posts from Katlovesdbh and Others

3 months ago

God, I'm still laughing about Jester blatantly lying about realizing Essek was there. I love the entirety of Vasselheim apparently watching this silly and bewildering exchange. Some random guy in disguise just helped this wizard—from the party the Bright Queen endorsed—resurrect somebody with dunamancy, revealed himself to be of Kryn origin, and immediately evaded a very sudden and pointed attempt at capture by the Kryn contingent. This party who no one in Vasselheim actually met, but who was, to reiterate, endorsed by the Bright Queen, blatantly lies to their benefactor about knowing who this guy was despite the fact that he was basically in the wizard's lap. The Divine Gate shattered ninety seconds ago and here on the ground the most unrelated minute-long melodrama is playing out for seemingly no reason.

The rest of the world suddenly remembers why they stopped inviting Wildemount to anything.


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4 years ago
Normalize Making Transphobes Feel Unsafe 😌

Normalize making transphobes feel unsafe 😌


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1 year ago

Honestly the fact that the other Assembly members are helping Ludinus is a surprise. But it also is kinda expected. He thrives in the viper’s nest, he always has. Even the Vanguard has tenuous relations and I doubt he has any misgivings about how that is. He’s been the head of the Cerberus Assembly for centuries, he knows backstabbing and undermining like the back of his hand. And Ludinus probably loves that shit.

Because truly he can’t handle genuine relationships. Sincere care or compliments. It’s why Jester throws him off so much. Because her smiles are real. Because her compliments are genuine and not backhanded.

The fake smiles and promises, the underhanded slights and backstabs is the world Ludinus moves like water through. He plays the political game so very well. Delilah, the charismatic witch, herself said it. Everyone knows Ludinus is a snake but they all fall for his traps anyway. But people like Jester throw him off because it breaks his world view. It breaks the idea that the world is dog eat dog all the time and you have to play this game to get yours. He rejects these genuine connections, romantic and platonic because “it’s beneath him”, but truly also because he can’t fathom the idea of those things meaning something real, having worth in a world in which those are all tools to manipulate and gain something from you, distractions from a larger goal.

The conversation he had with Essek is reframed in this light. It is not just that he thinks Essek gaining friendship is a distraction, makes him weak. It’s that he cannot see how a wizard similar to him can believe in such things. “Maybe you should try friends” was a sick burn but also there is this notion that Ludinus doesn’t get that. He doesn’t believe that is possible. True friendship isn’t something good or meaningful, it’s supposed to be a tool. In his mind Essek should have used the M9 to get further ahead.

Oh yes I do believe he does care for Liliana in some way. But it is also in the way that he needs her for his plans. Everything he does is framed around his goals, his needs. Because he cannot see relationships as anything but transactional. Subconsciously perhaps he desires deeper connections, but he will consciously bar himself from committing to such a thing because he has no faith in such a thing.

So yeah he is going to surround himself with people that hate him, people that he knows will backstab him at some point. Because he gets that. That’s familiar to him. He can deal with hatred and jealousy, but he can’t deal with genuineness.


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1 year ago

Astrid hid in the smut shop because she thought it would be the one place Essek wouldn't go. Unfortunately for her he has been inured by years of friendship with Jester and smut shops are now his favoured terrain.


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katlovesdbh - ♡ I Love Alot of Things ♡
♡ I Love Alot of Things ♡

Literally a fan of Many Things: RN my main focus is Critical Role Season 2 XD ((Mostly by reading Fanfic and quietly liking almost every post about Essek (HotBoi, my Beloved

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