“I Think A Guy Fighting For His Relationship And Showing His Feelings Is More Attractive Than Someone

27th August 2020, 10.39pm

Today I, surprise surprise, let myself get swallowed by the idleness of procrastination. This morning felt like a dream, like I did not exist, and I know that one day I will just disappear and everything will feel soft and muffled, warm and peaceful. 

Tomorrow I really need to do finally do homework, or I will not be able to finish all of it in time. I wonder why it’s necessary to do it, at the end of the day it is not like I will need most of these things in life. Maybe I’m too much of a nihilist, and I should appreciate learning and studying just for the sake of acquiring new knowledge. Truth is, I love learning. But I do not love learning anything. I like Science, knowing how the universe and our bodies work. i like History, reading about past events that shaped the world. I like Literature, or maybe I just like reading, and I like Greek and Latin too, although they are so much work. I hate Math though. 

I bought three face masks today. My skin is one of my biggest insecurities - my teeth (it angers me to say this because I wore braces for two years) still make me insecure too, and so does my body. I hate having a physical form.

Halsey today released merch for her first album, Badlands. It is one of my favourite albums ever, it just means so much to me since it was one of the first LPs that connected with me. I really wanted to get a t-shirt, but my parents said no because the price and the shipping was too expensive. It made me sad, to be honest. They think it’s not worth it because, to them, it’s just a t-shirt, while to me it represents all that I connect to Badlands. 

I think I am too attached to physical things. My room is not messy, but at first, to a stranger eye, it might look like it because it’s just so full of things. My walls are covered in photos, instant photos mostly - which, by the way, sometimes feel depressing because they rarely show someone I love or who loves me; it just shows that I am lonely -, piles books are everywhere because I have no space for them, three pencil holders are completely full with stationery. Everything is just so colorful that sometimes it feels suffocating. But I like it. It makes me feel full. 

Seeing the hundreds of books I’ve read somehow validates my enjoyment in reading. The hundreds of photos are a poor attempt to remind myself I have been outside of my house. I also own some CDs, not as many as I wish because they are expensive, and although I never play them,  I love them.

Since I was a child, I have always been obsessed with things. I collected Pokémon cards, rocks, pins. At one point I even collected empty bottles and cans, of drinks that were and are not common in Italy. I just really like owning things, they make me feel full, real. In the back of my head, a voice tells me it is wrong. I wish my brain did not react so well to what Lorde calls “the little bright things that I bought.”

-c.

Bonds are burdensome.

They are what makes life worth living,

albeit the feeling of burdening someone else with your own emotions or lack thereof obliges you to take a step back or running away on a 180 degree path in comparison to the one you’re on at that moment.

You begin craving that loneliness that picked at your heart every night,the one that made you cry your own blood since tears did not hurt enough.

I want to turn back in time,or keep being the myself i knew before giving out pieces of it to others.

Opening up is not much of a good decision sometimes,or easy to accomplish either.

Everything just hurts.

It’s overwhelming.

It’s flooding my well.

Oh wait—

how long has it been since my well last had a shape?

What is happening around me?

What am I?

“Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and only become bigger and bigger. But when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your mask, stop pretending you’re perfect and walk into freedom.”

— Rick Warren

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as intuitive as I am. I literally notice everything, I feel the emotions of those around me. When something is really good I feel really good. When something is off, I can feel that energy before it even happens. Ignorance is truly bliss. I'm jealous of people who can live their lives in peace without noticing everything sometimes. This trait has helped me countless times, but it hurts me emotionally and makes my anxiety worse equally as much, if not more so. It's like being psychic. I can tell when someone is a good manipulator. I can tell when someone is being genuinely nice or when they're acting "nice" because I benefit them or when I have something they want. I see their behavior patterns, the best way to know what a person will do is based on their passed behavior (typically). I also have a really, really good memory. I wish I could just ignore my intuitiveness and not remember every little detail about everything. Shit, maybe I should be a crime detective or a lawyer or something where I could use these skills for good rather than just something that makes my brain stur, I don't know. Do any of you guys struggle with this, like to an extreme degree?

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer?

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

12. name of your favorite playlist?

13. lanyard or key ring?

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

18. ideal weather?

19. sleeping position?

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

21. obsession from childhood?

22. role model?

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

25. first song you remember hearing?

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

28. five songs to describe you?

29. best way to bond with you?

30. places that you find sacred?

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

32. top five favorite vines?

33. most used phrase in your phone?

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

35. average time you fall asleep?

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

41. last person you texted?

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap?

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

47. favorite type of cheese?

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

51. current stresses?

52. favorite font?

53. what is the current state of your hands?

54. what did you learn from your first job?

55. favorite fairy tale?

56. favorite tradition?

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

62. seven characters you relate to?

63. five songs that would play in your club?

64. favorite website from your childhood?

65. any permanent scars?

66. favorite flower(s)?

67. good luck charms?

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

70. left or right handed?

71. least favorite pattern?

72. worst subject?

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear?

88. your greatest wish?

89. who would you put before everyone else?

90. luckiest mistake?

91. boxes or bags?

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames?

94. favorite season?

95. favorite app on your phone?

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

98. favorite historical era?

"What cannot be said will be wept"

~Sappho

Saying the truth aloud could free me from this burden.Or will it not?

It's all new to me,what I'm feeling does not fall under any of the categories I've explored so far. I've fallen in a deep calm, like a lake without shores.

All I've collected in my life so far surrounds me.

I can't tell its purpose.

It does not feel as if it's trying to drown me,or even coaxing me into drowning myself.

It's distracting and compelling.

A friend told me something which is not far from the truth.The lake promptly absorbed it,and I could not see the end of what its raw form meant to me,not as I would've intended to.

It all weighs heavy on my soul.

I'm transitioning from my self-created alter ago to what I believe is my true self.

Is it hurting?I can't tell.

True pain does not feel as this does.

Maybe I'm not in pain.

It's not an option I can exclude.

Let's wait and see how this longed metamorphosis will take place.

2021/19/01

Everything you did to me, I remember.

Mama, I made it out of your home alive, raised by the voices in my head.

— Warsan Shire, from “Extreme Girlhood,” Bless the Daughter Raised by a Voice in Her Head