Sue Zhao/Ryan O'Connell

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to heal or forget or move on.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time today. I don’t really watch movies, so I avoided it for a long time, but I knew I would love it.

It’s devastating.

When I think about you, I wish I could forget. We had one intense year. Every minute we spent together, it was just one year. One year of secrets, of competing, of falling asleep on the phone. Just one year of games and arguments and half given truths. If it was gone, I would be okay.

I spent 5 years pretending you didn’t happen. Waving away any brief thought. A quick smile to a memory before pushing it down, until they were all pushed down and nothing left. I didn’t bring you up in conversations anymore. I didn’t check the weather where you were. I deleted our pictures, made new accounts to avoid our old conversations. I turned the radio off when that song came on. I unlearned habits.

When did I stop subtracting three hours every time I looked at a clock?

I would give everything to go back and love you all over again.

Last year, I heard songs that reminded me of you, but I played them on repeat instead of skipping them. I went back to the games we played together. I started to see you in everything. You come up in conversations. You’re always on my mind.

Have you ever dreamed of someone you’ve never met, but your soul swears they belong to you?

Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.

Edgar Allan Poe

I did it! I start my antidepressant today but I’m so nervous/not excited for side effects lol

I am cautiously optimistic that things will go well and I will feel better.

So far the thought of taking them is all hypothetical. Like I can’t imagine how it would feel to feel anything but what I always have.

Wish me luck!

reading poetry forces you to ask wrenching, necessary, impossible questions, like "is the author stupid? or am I?"

I think about you a lot.

All the time, actually.

In the morning, at night,

in the middle of my day.

It's you.

It's always been you.

揺らぐ記憶

2019年、端山藤園。

藤沢市の「フジロード」で辿り着いた端山藤園の藤。