- 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐥𝐲𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 - 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

Imagine the time I was six. I spent half an hour constructing my perfect fortress out of wooden blocks, carefully placing each piece. Every detail mattered, this wasn’t just playing, this was creating something. I looked at it, proud, knowing it was my work, my effort.

Then, some little shit walks by. I watch as his eyes narrow, and for a moment, he considers the easiest way to destroy what I’d just built. With one careless motion, he topples everything, scattering the blocks like they were nothing.

I don’t cry. I don’t scream for help. Instead, I get up, walk over, and grab him by the shoulder. A hard shove, and then I make sure he knows exactly what he’s done. He’s on the ground before he can even process it, his face swelling where I hit it. I don’t care about the blood or the broken tooth. All I care about is the fact that he destroyed something I created for no reason other than his amusement.

The teacher drags me away, gasping: "Look what you did! It’s just blocks, he’s a person!".

But it wasn’t just blocks. It was my time, my effort, and he threw it all away like it meant nothing. And he’s a person? Fine. So am I. And in that moment, his face wasn’t worth respecting.

Looking back at it as an adult, sure, maybe it was an overreaction. Maybe I was too harsh. But that moment wasn’t about rationality. It was about the principle of it. Yeah, I could’ve handled it differently. But I was a kid. That’s what kids do.. act on impulse.

No one cared about the fact that someone else’s selfish act destroyed what I valued. My retaliation was branded as aggression, while his provocation was dismissed as childish mischief. No one asked why I struck back. No one acknowledged that he’d destroyed something I built simply because he wanted to. I was the one who got punished.

At that time, the teacher’s failure was a clear lesson in injustice, that authority will side with the visible victim over the invisible violation, and proof that fairness is conditional, since his pain was 'real', while mine was 'just toys'.

You’re not a mental health advocate if you don’t support people with ASPD or kids with conduct disorder that happen to violate the rights of others including animals.

These people need support, too. They need treatment, and they need resources to combat any violent symptom that may manifest.

They are likelier to face violent police brutality when being incarcerated. They are likelier to have their civil liberties violated. They are likelier to end up in the system and prone to recidivism because our legal system is based on punishment and not rehabilitation. They are likelier to be murdered and abused by both the legal system and by family members and friends.

They also do not need to be excused from their actions. Both of these statements coexist with each other.

This doesn’t imply to support bad behavior. Everyone should be held accountable for their actions, especially those that endanger the lives and liberties of other people and animals alike, but that doesn’t mean they’re not deserving of rehabilitation or resources to help them not offend and to help them stop offending.

A kid with unchecked and untreated conduct disorder and even an adult with unchecked and untreated ASPD with violent symptoms and a lack of regard for the rights of others are some of the most vulnerable people in society. Think about them in your mental health advocation, but also don’t support bad behavior.

Having compassion for people with stigmatized disorders and advocating for their rehabilitation ≠ excusing their actions. You can have compassion for people with sadistic behavioral symptoms that are in the criteria for conduct disorder and ASPD without being an apologist. Check your ableism towards antisocial adults and children.

ASPD and conduct disorder are not “evil disorders.” Those behavioral symptoms did not come from no where, but from trauma and environment, and they need help the most from a licensed professional but unfortunately, resources are scarce for those living with conduct disorder and ASPD because we are seen as criminal deviants by neurotypicals and neurodiverse people alike.

ASPD culture is the irony of struggling to look invested while others try to act detached for attention.

ASPD Culture is

Welcome to the family, son

ASPD + Love

{my experience}

disclaimer: this is talking solely from my experiences and is not going to be applicable to absolutely every single person with this disorder. it’s also important to remember that this is a complex disorder and just because you may relate to this post in some way, does not necessarily mean that you have ASPD.

Connections With Others

my ASPD impacts my ability to connect with others A LOT and in many different ways. a few of these ways include:

• my lack of the ability to relate to, sympathise, empathise or generally care about others.

• my bluntness, saying things without caring how it affects others, putting myself and others in dangerous situations.

• having muffled emotions that result in me having to mask by exaggerating my emotions, almost like a performance, this can result in me reacting in a way that is unintentionally socially ‘incorrect’.

• struggles with seeing others as having any sort of emotional value to me.

• a general unwillingness to be around other people.

to name some examples.

How Does This Impact Your Ability To Love?

in many ways i struggle to care for and form bonds with other people, this therefore results in me displaying a significantly less common want, need or overall ability to form any romantic bonds, as such i do also identify as aromantic which i interestingly have found to be fairly common amongst those with ASPD.

i have a hard time caring for people platonically, let alone romantically so it’s quite rare for me to willingly commit to a romantic relationship of any kind.

How Love Feels To Me

i recently saw someone else with ASPD say that love for them is something that they’re capable of but isn’t necessarily something they feel and is more of a cognitive thing for them. that’s pretty much how i would describe my experience with it as well and is the closest wording i’ve discovered to how i actually experience love.

final note: a lot of people with ASPD are capable of love and not everyone with ASPD will experience it in this way. this is just an informative post shedding some insight as to how i personally experience love as somebody with this disorder and how my mental illness has impacted it.

ASPD: The Desire for and Run from Intimacy

This post will only contain my personal opinion and experience. It may not be applicable to all other people with ASPD and may likewise be relatable to people who do not have it.

I am only going to be talking about emotional intimacy, but this post is definitely also applicable to the other type of intimacy!

I'll make myself pretty vulnerable in this post, by discussing my personal experience, so you better not make me regret that!

Abbreviations:

ASPD = Antisocial Personality Disorder

ASPD is a disability caused by prolonged childhood trauma (with many possible variations), that develops in order to protect the brain from said trauma, or rather to help the brain deal with it in some way!

While the consequences of this in the context of intimacy, look different for every person with ASPD, many do report: a difficulty with developing bonds, having problems trusting people & giving away control, losing feelings for people quickly and abruptly/getting "bored" of people, responding extremely to arguments, having problems dealing with peoples emotions/ problems with being close to people etc.

This may be due to a variety of factors, but does often tie back to having no or few positive experiences with intimacy, having not learned how to exist in relationships properly/a lack of being socialized, not having the necessary prosocial emotions and mechanisms to deal with it and other similar things.

While this causes some people with ASPD to develop a brain, that does not have a need for emotional intimacy at all, others develop a brain, that craves the emotional intimacy it has been denied, but which will also fight said intimacy at every turn.

Thats as much generalized info as I can give you, as the exact representation of this is highly individual, but I will offer my personal experience on the following slides!

What you need to know is that I was accidentally neglected for huge parts of my childhood and teens and did not get my emotional and social needs met most of the time, while also knowing that my parents were theoretically capable of that, as they were giving everything I lacked to my sibling.

This caused me to grow up with a burning desire for intimacy, while being disappointed by people time and time again, failing to actually develop the things needed to experience this intimacy and partially growing to resent it and viewing it as "weak" and "bad".

Ever since then I have been stuck in what I like to call the "ASPD stages of running". Theres different points in getting close to people (in any nature of a relationship), that'll send me running and feeling like I am "weak" for wanting it, or as if being close to people is the worst thing that could happen.

The stages (simply put) are:

1. Desiring/Daydreaming about my dream relationship

2. Looking at peoples relationships/Looking at people with the intent of getting closer to them

3. Talking to people (online or irl)

4. Getting closer / being friends with people

5. Being friends with people for longer

Optionally:

6. Getting so close that a romantic relationship may happen

7. The moment of getting in the relationship / the days after

8. Being in the relationship for a bit

At any of those stages, I'll very likely have one or multiple moments where my ASPD will try to get the better of me and will try to convince me to just run away, drop contact and never talk about it again. Even just admitting to this and talking about it is hard as fuck, because it is so deeply ingrained in my brain to see emotional intimacy as a weak and dangerous thing.

What this will look like exactly really depends on the person and situation, but things that have happened in the past were:

• blocking the person and everyone I am friends with and pretending I am no longer alive

• my brain fixating on their faults in order to give me a good reason to hate them so I don't get closer to them and can hold them at arms length

• responding less often/more dryly or ignoring messages entirely

• not replicating the energy of the conversation/relationship

• staging an incident so I ruin the relationship

• running at the first signs of a disagreement

• avoiding people when they are emotional

• feeling uncomfortable around people as a whole => isolating

• beating myself up about letting it happen again

• impulsively bumping the relationship to another stage, just to immediately regret it (in a "fuck that has consequences" way)

• shutting off all my emotions, dissociate or otherwise make sure to stop the feelings (or just lose them automatically)

To put it in a shorter and more simple way, I'll usually either get the fuck outta there, or make sure to change the relationship/my personal position in the relationship to a more comfortable and less vulnerable and intimate level. This may also just look like me shutting off, becoming distant, or seeming mad, when all I am is overwhelmed by the intimacy and grossed out that I actually need and desire that.

As you can possibly imagine, that is not the most useful thing, as it causes issues in relationships, cuts friendships short and makes dealing with people a lot harder!

The most frustrating thing about this for me though is, that even if the most perfect friend or partner came along and even if the relationship would work at first, I am very very likely to crash it against the wall, simply because my brain cannot handle having the things, that it needs and desires.

It desires a hug and runs from the one who offers it.

It needs help and bites the hand that does.

It needs love and gets grossed out by whoever offers it.

It wants attention and can't handle it when it gets it.

It wants gifts, but doesnt know what to do when it gets them.

Whatever it wants, it can't have, so it keeps wanting, keeps yearning, keeps desiring and has to watch itself be unable to accept any of it.

And if that sounds painful, thats because it is.

Its a vicious kind of pain when you have to watch yourself ruin yet another thing, because your brain can't handle it, while you scream at it in frustration to get its act together, because it also is everything you desperately need.

ASPD sucks when it comes to intimacy and it especially sucks when it comes to talking about it, or being honest about these problems. It developed to protect me from being too "weak" to deal with the trauma and now its practically preventing me from showing any "weakness" or seeking out what previously hurt me. Which wouldn't be this bad, if I didn't still have this kid in me that just wants to be loved and daydreams about all the things, the ASPD hates.

When your shell disagrees with your core and you're not strong enough yet to break your shell, what does that really leave you with, other than curling up into a spiky ball and letting the shell do its job? I know I still need the protection, but I wish it wasn't actively preventing me from learning to live without it.

First posted on my instagram (same @)

To all radqueers out there, I have some very useful tips!!

Let's begin!

1. Getting off the internet and getting some help because you guys are not okay in any way!

2. Stop thinking that you are the future because anyone in the right state of mind isn't gonna accept you as valid, ever.

3. Smell some fresh air from outside and look at what's outside for a sec, I'm sure you forgot.

4. Stop trying to convince people that you are valid.

5. Stop taking disorders, illnesses and trauma.

6. Stop thinking you're from another race.

7. And this one is for the adult radqueers: STOP PREYING ON CHILDREN ON THE INTERNET YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.

Also, kindly fuck off </3.

miles edgeworth and the concept of fast food

G̯̯̩̙͆ͣ͟o͙͙̙̘̙ͤͫ͞d̶̵̯̯̼̘ͨ̓ k̼̼̞̦̞̼̔n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥo͙͙̙̘̙ͤͫ͞w̡̻̻̣͚̒̀ͅs̨̞̞̰͎͎̪̩͕̈́̀ͯ̍ͧͅ I̡̨͙͙̪̹̾͟ d̶̵̯̯̼̘ͨ̓o͙͙̙̘̙ͤͫ͞n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥ't͖͖̠̬͛ w̡̻̻̣͚̒̀ͅa͔͔̜̗̦ͩ̅̎n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥt͖͖̠̬͛ t͖͖̠̬͛o͙͙̙̘̙ͤͫ͞ b͔͔̳͈̊̆ͥ͂͜͝ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧ a͔͔̜̗̦ͩ̅̎n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥ a͔͔̜̗̦ͩ̅̎n̫̫̘̗͕̲̲̎ͥg̬̬̱ͩ͋͟͟ḛ̡̰̳͓̥ͬ͋ͪͧl͖͖̰̝ͭ̀͘.