Today I Found Out I Lost All My Gendice Drawings So In Compensation I Drew This New One

on that path carved from grief

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice. But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother the longest out of everyone. Why can't he remember? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Word Count: 1666

Characters: Hakaze Kaoru & Hakaze Kaoru's Mother (Mentions of Kaoru's father and older siblings)

Tags: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Minor Character Death, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Pre-Canon, No Dialogue, Angst

※ i've decided to publicly posted this on ao3! the one i posted on ao3 is similar to this post, but i just edited some stuff and properly proofread it (because i originally wrote this while i was for real wallowing in my grief. shoutout to hakaze kaoru for being the character i always use to project my grief)

vent writing where i project my own experiences with grief to hakaze kaoru not because i am a kinnie because it's 3am and my anxiety started acting up. most of these experiences about kaoru and his mom were made up pls don't treat as canon hdjfkdhf they only canon kaoru thing here is he's good with housework and cooking!!!!!! vent post under the cut

WORD COUNT: 1660

Sometimes Kaoru feels that he cannot remember his own mother's voice.

He worries about forgetting the smile she used to have on her face when he would tell her about the shells he found on the beach.

He worries that his mother's melodious laugh after his brother makes a joke would escape his mind at any moment.

He worries he would fail to remember combing her soft, silky blonde locks with his hands as he and his sister carelessly style their mother's hair into braids.

He worries when the feeling of having a mother to defend his actions while his father scolds him for acting too lax and foolish is starting to fade away.

Kaoru worries that, one day, he suddenly forgets.

He knows, however, there were moments after her passing that he will never forget:

Was it weird that he did not shed a tear the moment he knew his mother passed away?

Perhaps it was because, hours prior he found out about his mother's passing, he finally had the courage to engage in a conversation with his classmates. Perhaps the brief feeling of happiness that bursted within him throughout the school hours was too overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to feel sad.

But wasn't that weird? He knew his mother longer than his classmates. Why didn't he cry? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Was it wrong that he didn't understand what “being dead” means?

He was a middle school student when his mother passed — not a kid anymore. Shouldn't he have understood what death means? Couldn't he see his mother's lifeless body kept inside the open casket during her wake? Didn't he realize the hushed murmurs from the guests, ranging from: “poor kids, their mother left them too soon,” to “what will happen to their family now?” while his sister sobs through the microphone, in a poor attempt to talk about their mother? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he? Didn't he?

Kaoru worries that, one day, these too are something he suddenly forgets.

Loud wailing and sobbing echoed around the graveyard as his mother’s casket was being lowered down. Kaoru, however, has barely shed a tear.

But isn't that weird? There was no doubt that he was his mother's favorite. So why hasn't he cried since her death up until her burial?

As soil covered up his mother's casket, it was only then when Kaoru had felt something — yet that unfamiliar feeling, he knew, was not pain.

Kaoru knew that pain was supposed to make you wake up in the middle of the night to cry, it was supposed to make your heart tighten while you see something that reminds you of your late loved one, it was supposed to make you scream and destroy objects knowing that you can't do anything about what had happened in the past that made you feel so much in pain.

In that moment, however, Kaoru merely felt nothing. It was as if an empty void was suddenly attached within him. Memories of his mother didn't leave immediately, they were still a part of him even as her casket was completely covered in soil. But the moment his father uttered the words: “goodbye,” it was then when he understood what death truly meant. The emptiness within him started to feel heavy as he stared at the soil where his mother is kept underneath. He suddenly became aware of the loud cries from his brother as he clutched his chest, yelling for their mother in the empty sky, and his sister's uncontrollable sobbing as she softly called for their mother. Kaoru should have understood this earlier. He should have. He should have. He should have. He should have.

The Hakaze house is silent when they return. His sister hurries to the kitchen, still in tears, to cook food for dinner because who will make pancakes now that mother is gone? His brother pats his head, tells him to not worry about the household chores and focus on his school work first because who will clean his room now that mother is gone? His father heads to store mother’s collection of seashells and marine life books in a spare room because who will use them now that mother is gone?

His family are on the first step of moving on from their mother's death, but how can Kaoru move on along with them when it was only at this moment that everything started to sink in. “Goodbye,” continues to loop inside of his head like a broken music player as he stands still in the middle of their house. Goodbye, mother. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

A year after his mother's death, Kaoru cries — sobs alone in his room. Tears flow out from his eyes as he sobs in his pillow, what a shame, he had just changed the pillow cover the other night because of the same reason. Kaoru sobs alone in the house; his father is still out working, his brother has moved out from their house and lives somewhere in the city, and his sister is busy with her last week at university.

An hour later, Kaoru leaves his room to make pancakes because he noticed he hasn't had his first meal for the day, but the pancakes he made don't taste the same like how his mother used to make them.

Two hours later, Kaoru starts washing the leftover dishes from last night, then sweeps the floor of the common area because dust started accumulating on the floor again.

Five hours later, Kaoru spends the entire evening rereading the collection of his mother's old marine life books. He spends the next hour reciting to himself about the specific type of each seashell from his mother's dusty seashell collection because his mother wasn't by his side anymore to tell him about the lives of the seashells.

Kaoru worries that these, too, are something he suddenly forgets.

The first year he enters Yumenosaki Academy, he refuses to form any sort of close relationship between his classmates or any student in general. He thinks, perhaps, that it is for the best; he doesn't want the empty void within him to grow even bigger because of a sudden mishap with his hypothetical relationships.

The second year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, he starts to question himself why he decided to even enroll in this school. He dislikes forming close relationships yet he placed himself in a situation wherein relationships are important for survival. Well, it wasn't like he was serious about becoming an idol, anyway. But, at least for this year, he talked to different kinds of people—though he could barely even call them acquaintances.

The third and last year he studies in Yumenosaki Academy, it becomes the first time he has allowed people to enter his life since his mother's death. It was the first time he cried in front of someone other than his sister — even multiple times. It was the first time he formed a bond that he is confident enough to call friendship. Kaoru still struggles with accepting people in his deeper side of life, yet the empty void within him still stays the same. However, a newer and warmer feeling starts growing inside of him.

The first year in Ensemble Square, Kaoru realizes he is starting to forget what kind of smile her mother always had on her face.

He realizes he is starting to forget in what situations his mother would laugh at.

He realizes he is starting to forget whether his mother preferred her hair in three-strand braids or French braids.

He realizes he is starting to forget what kind of stuff he used to do for his mother to wholeheartedly defend him against his father.

Kaoru comforts himself in the fact that, despite his memory slowly fading away, he will never forget the experience and memories he has with his mother.

He remembers him and his mother stepping barefoot on sand at the beach for the first time. He remembers when his mother first taught him how to ride a wave. He remembers the warm feeling in his chest knowing that his mother is home, ready to serve pancakes to him the moment he returns. He remembers the shame he felt when he realizes that his mother cleaned his messy room while he went out to play with his brother at the playground. He remembers listening to his mother talk about seashells and sharks in between coughs while lying down the hospital bed. He remembers staring at her cold, lifeless body inside the casket, seconds before they finally closed it.

Kaoru remembers it all.

And it's the little things like these constantly remind him that, although the empty void within him might never disappear, his mother took part in building the warmth inside of him. And that warmth will continue to exist within him through his memories of him and his mother.

His mother exists in the necklace she gave to him when he first entered school. She exists in the cold, sea breeze that brushes against his cheeks when he visits the seashore at night. She exists in his first solo song that he wrote with her in mind. She exists in the stories he tells about her to his friends, his juniors, and his fans. She exists in his father, his brother, his sisters — and within himself.

Sometimes Kaoru worries that he might forget everything one day.

But worrying about forgetting in itself is already a reminder that it would be difficult to forget something of such importance.

And even if he does end up forgetting, Kaoru is certain that nothing will replace the feelings, emotions, and memories that he experienced throughout the entire years of remembering his mother.

Oftentimes, Kaoru now relaxes knowing that he was able to experience a life with his mother and also become a part of his mother's life. And his mother will still continue to exist through his own memories.

20 Ways to Show Anger in Your Writing

Here’s a list of 20 signs of anger that writers can use to show, rather than tell, a character’s emotions through physical, verbal, and internal reactions:

1. Facial Expressions

Clenched jaw or grinding teeth

Narrowed or glaring eyes

Lips pressed into a thin line or curled into a sneer

2. Body Language

Fists clenched tightly at their sides

Tense shoulders that rise or square up

Puffing out the chest or stepping closer to confront

3. Speech Patterns

Voice lowered to a dangerous, icy tone

Shouting or raising their voice suddenly

Speaking in short, clipped sentences

4. Breathing Changes

Heavy, rapid breathing (nostrils flaring)

Sharp inhales and audible exhales

Holding their breath as if trying to stay in control

5. Sudden Physical Movements

Slamming fists onto tables or walls

Pacing back and forth restlessly

Pointing a finger or jabbing the air during speech

6. Uncontrolled Gestures

Shoving objects off a desk or knocking over a glass

Finger tapping or knuckle cracking

Wrapping arms tightly around themselves

7. Temperature and Flushes

Red face, neck, or ears

Visible veins on the neck or forehead

Breaking into a sweat despite the situation

8. Eye Movements

Eyes darting or rolling sharply

Avoiding direct eye contact out of fury

Staring someone down with unblinking intensity

9. Words and Tone

Cursing, insults, or verbal jabs

Sarcasm sharpened to hurt others

Accusations thrown in frustration

10. Breaking Personal Space

Leaning in closer, looming over someone

Pointed steps toward another person to intimidate

Physically turning away to dismiss or avoid conflict

11. Physical Reactions

Throwing objects or breaking things in rage

Punching walls, doors, or inanimate objects

Shaking hands or trembling with pent-up anger

12. Posture Shifts

Back stiffening and chin lifting defiantly

Shoulders jerking or twitching

Rigid stance as though ready for confrontation

13. Inner Thoughts (for internal POV)

“I could feel the blood boiling in my veins.”

“The room seemed to close in on me.”

“My pulse thundered in my ears.”

14. Displacement of Anger

Kicking objects on the ground (chairs, trash bins)

Storming off abruptly or slamming doors

Snapping at someone unrelated to the cause of anger

15. Temperature Descriptions (metaphors/sensations)

Heat rushing to their face or spreading through their chest

A cold sensation washing over them, signaling restrained anger

Feeling fire “lick” at their insides or their temper “ignite”

16. Instinctive Responses

A growl or grunt escaping their lips

Baring their teeth as if instinctively defensive

Ripping or tearing something in their grip

17. Silence as a Weapon

Pausing dramatically before responding

Refusing to speak or meet someone’s eyes

The ominous quiet just before they explode

18. Physical Sensations

Muscles twitching or vibrating under the skin

Heart pounding visibly at their throat or chest

A bitter taste in their mouth or nausea from anger

19. Reactive Behaviors

Interrupting others to correct or attack

Dismissing concerns with a quick wave of the hand

Throwing out ultimatums like “Don’t push me!”

20. Lingering Aftermath

Hands trembling after the initial outburst

A headache, buzzing ears, or lingering tension

Regret or shame slowly replacing the heat of the anger

These signs can be layered together to create realistic and powerful depictions of anger, whether it’s smoldering beneath the surface or erupting violently.

here's over 6.2K prompts of all sorts you can use for your writing ideas!

happy writing!

**no need to credit the list if it helps you with writing. but reblogging/sharing it with your writer friends is definitely appreciated!

doodles after watching the movie! 🐱🐦‍⬛

@llondonfog @serenescribe @admiraltdevanto y'all, this is so sweet. If someone knows the original artist, please let me know

silver and malleus know each other and I think it’s not talked about enough

they know each other better than Lilia know them

Malleus knows silvers emotions and can read him easier than even Lilia

silver knows malleus feelings

“silver is pitiful; no one understands his feelings”

Lies!! malleus and silver know each other. They know how to read the other.

their connection goes beyond “jealously” or “one is loved more than the other” (neither of these statements are true ever)

their love is unconditional

not selfish or favoritism.

One last mhyk dump

最好的师尊

What Are Archetypes And How To Use Them!

Character archetypes are one of the many tools in a writer's arsenal to write believable and universally relatable characters which transcend geography, time, and culture!

Throughout this post, I will be discussing what archetypes are, how to use them, and how to subvert them.

What Are Character Archetypes?

What are character archetypes? Archetypes are kinda like templates that are grouped into categories depending on their traits, experiences, and actions.

When thinking about "archetypes", your mind may jump to the archetypes in the major Arcana which represent different aspects of life! Like character archetypes, the archetypes represented in the Arcana encompass a multitude of various traits, experiences, and meanings depending on the reader of the tarot or, with character archetypes), interpretations by the author!

Archetypes are meant to transcend time, geography, location, and the differences between other individuals to communicate universal truths about humanity.

But it's important to use archetypes correctly! All characters require character development and if you don't use character development or there isn't enough character then the characters are going to be flat, boring, and unoriginal.

The difference between "stock characters" and "archetypes" is the fact that stock characters aren't meant to be main characters. Stock characters are the strict librarian that tells the lovers to be quiet, the mean bully that gets humiliated, or the MC's lovingly dead mom.

They are static, flat characters who are meant to serve as filler. Archetypes are the foundation to create complex, changing characters!

Mixing Character Archetypes

Most characters fall into multiple character archetypes depending on the perspective that you are looking at. Mixing character archetypes allows your characters to be familiar but not cliche!

Character Archetypes (And How To Subvert Them)

There are way too many archetypes so I'm just going to give a quick run-by!

The Caregiver

The caregiver is a character who selflessly and whole-heartedly supports their loved ones. They often tend to fall into the Mentor role, the Best Friend role, or something else. It's common to see the Caregiver as an accompanying character to the Hero.

Traits: Selfless, Kind, Compassionate, Honorable, Loving

Pitfalls: Too selfless, tends to lack growth or goals, a bit too dedicated to assholes

Subvert: Caregiver can serve as an enabling force who encourages the Hero or the Villain to follow all of their desires and will force their loved one to deny any healthy accountability for their bad behavior. The Caregiver can be a shallow individual who has a tendency of nearly abandoning the group when things seem hopeless. The Caregiver can show some selfishness

Everyman

The Everyman is your regular Joe-Shmoe who isn't smart enough to be a Mad Scientist but not dumb enough to be the resident Idiot. They aren't particular ugly nor particularly attractive (but they tend to get the love interest anyway). They are kinda average in most respects.

The Everyman is humble and cooperative but not stand out.

Traits: Humble, Hard-working, Grounded, Relatable, Cooperative

Pitfalls: This is the protagonist for 95% of stories. Tends to flail around so much that the audience wonders why they are even needed.

Subvert: The Everyman tends to fall into the Innocent type. Basically, oblivious as all heck and a bystander. The Everyman could be a secret mastermind behind the whole operation and more aware than anyone suspects.

The Creator

Constantly creative and constantly making something. Their creation can be physical (inventor) or in the divine sense. To the Creator, there is nothing that is more important than what they are trying to make, and they are willing to sacrifice themselves and others to reach their goal.

Traits: Obsession, imaginative, strong-willed, egotistical

Pitfalls: The Creator tends to be unsympathetic and not that obviously relatable to the non-creative types.

Subvert: Actually try and make this Mad Scientist or God relatable. Many people have that one thing that they would sacrifice their time and life for whether that be their job, their family, their identity, or their creative pursuits. Connecting that creation to these universal truths will turn your one-dimensional character into a tragedy or masterpiece.

The Explorer

They want to break boundaries, take risks, and travel the world for something new. They yearn for something more than a normal life. They want to find their purpose and they don't believe their purpose lies in the mundane life everyone wants them to live.

Traits: Courageous, independent, nonconforming, driven, curious

Pitfalls: Explorer types tend to be the garden-variety " I want to explore this place". Highly common protagonists.

Subvert: Have the Explorer be a little bit lost in the world. They aren't courageous about their desires and they don't even really know what they want. They just know they don't want to spend the rest of their life here. They are afraid of stagnation. They are afraid of looking back on their life and only being able to feel regret. Make it spiritual. Make it about fear.

The Hero

The Hero rises to the challenge. They can't or refuse to stand by any longer to the injustice surrounding them. They fight the villains.

Traits: Honorable, Justice-Orientated, Strong

Pitfalls: One-Dimensional. "really? another story about Superman going rogue and killing people because angst?"

Subvert: At this point, having a character who is genuinely a good person who wants to try and be a good person is a subversion. Seriously, if you can only write an interesting character when they are evil or "morally complicated", they you are putting yourself in a box. They aren't perfect but they try. That's the thesis statement for heroes.

The Innocent

The Innocent is defined by their unending optimism and naivety with a child-life attitude (if they aren't an actual child). The Innocent tends to be the starting place for a character who will eventually have their comfortable life radically shifted by worldly events until their ignorance is swept away from them.

Traits: Trusting, Loving, Sincere, Open, Powerless, Oblivious

Pitfalls: So innocent to the point where they are obnoxious and not relatable to anyone above the age of 7. "Why is a man who has the ignorance of a child the Chosen One?"

Subvert: What if the Innocent isn't this childish person but actually acts serious? A story could have a character going on this journey to become the Innocent in an effort to get rid of their memories of the horrors of life that they have deemed unbearable. And they succeed. The Innocent could be someone whose naivety about the world often has them acting in cruel and insensitive ways.

The Lover

Ranging from the hedonistic players to the dreamy romantics, Lovers are guided by their heart. Like Creators, they also have an all-consuming obsession and dedication, although, in this case, the object of their obsession is the receiver of their love whether that be a person or an object.

They often overlap with the Caregiver.

‍Traits: Devoted, compassionate, caring, protective

Pitfalls: They often tend to be one-dimensional and horribly problematic.

Subvert: The recipient of their love could be an object, a friend, or a family member. Their love could also be demonstrated as purposefully toxic as their codepedent traits have the potential to intersect with Superior Complexes, Inferiority Complexes, and/or Savior Complexes.

The Rags-To-Riches Orphan

While not always a literal orphan, the Orphan starts in a state of poverty and unimportance who transitions into a life of opulence and excitement.

Beyond that, Orphans tend to fall into Found Families, as a desire for belonging often reunites them with either social outcasts or the Riches group.

‍Traits: Survivalists, empathetic, determined, driven

‍Pitfalls:  Another orphan? Really? Wow, you got picked up off the street and became unbelievablely rich? How relatable.

Subvert: The Orphan uses their skills and resources from their time in poverty to secure power, influence, and popularity from the masses as their relatable upbringing, connects to the underground market, and survivalist mentality leads them to be even more cunning and manipulative than the natural-born. The Orphan isn't as innocent and ignorant as everyone seems to think they're. The Orphan falls from their rich status. The Orphan hates their found family and relishes in the opportunity to leave them.

The Rebel

The Rebel leads the charge against flawed leaders and power structures when the balance of society is threatened. They might be the public head of a rebellion, a charismatic outsider, someone who works in the shadows, or just someone whose another James Dean- knock-off.

‍Traits: Natural leaders, courageous, inspiring, strong, charismatic

Pitfalls: Romancization of rebel groups and abusive behaviors as , more often than not, rebel groups establish a new order that is the same or even worse than the previous group.

Subvert: What if we didn't contribute to the massive romantization of rebel authority and instead investigated how extremists groups can manipulate desperate citizens into horrible governments. Because Hitler was a rebel who instigated a national rebellion. What if we explored the topic of co-option as previous signs of rebelliousness and civil rights are being commercialized for right-wing non-pocs and "rebellious" teens?

The Mentor

The Mentor is the character who is typically off in the corner, training the protagonist with life advice such as "life happens man" and "if you klll a killer, that's somehow worse than being that killer".

Because writers don't know how to write actual wisdom so they copy facebook quotes and look up a thesarus for some "fancy" words

‍Traits: "Wise", caring, patient, insightful, rational

Pitfalls: "Author! Arthor! This a serious topic with a huge diversity of variables and an imperfect solution as humans are inherently imperfect! This advice seems really oversimplified and kinda biased!

Subvert: What if the mentor's teachings are revealed to be heavily biased and based on misinformation which is reflective of the mentor's upbringing? What if the mentor is secretly working with the antagonist to feed the fledgling Hero with false beliefs? What if the mentor genuinely hates the Hero but is still on Team Good Guys?

In 2024, I managed to finish 14 Filipino-written books; among them, I can recommend seven:

Lucia Dreaming by Lucia Asul—This is a dream diary written and illustrated by Lucia Asul. It has a very cool art style, and dreams range from creepy to horrific to cosmic. The smell of this book is also unbeatable, IMO. It's the best-smelling book I've ever read.

Isabela by Kaisa Aquino—I have a review for this one here. I hesitate to call this a novel; it reads like a short story collection featuring women and men with similar names, all surrounding armed resistance and agrarian strife in Isabela to Manila. Very literary in the way it was written.

The Three-Cornered Sun by Linda-Ty Casper—Another one that I've written a review on. This historical fiction chronicles the Philippine revolution and features a family who found themselves on different sides of the war. Many beautiful and existential passages as the war went on. This book also features some of my favorite passages on rivers.

Love Without a Heart (May Pagsinta'y Walang Puso) by Inigo Ed Regalado tr by Soledad Reyes—A romp. I had such a good time with this book. It's a romance novel written in 1921, and the melodrama is so fun to read. Nothing hits like this anymore, I swear.

Tiempo Muerto by Caroline Hau—Is yet another one I've written more about. This is set on the fictional island of Banwa but tells the history of Negros, in an ancestral Bahay Na Bato House, where the protagonist's mother was lost in the aftermath of a typhoon that hit the island. Has a gothic, haunted house vibe in places but is ultimately about agrarian strife and the connection of resistance with our mountains. A really great read.

Tao sa Prowa: Mga Tala, Mga Taon ni Allan Popa—This is a series of vignettes featuring mundane things, then the author's reflections springing from them. This is a beautiful, well-curated collection. A bit pricey for a zine, but whatever. There are plenty of nuggets of gold in here.

Manansala by Enrique Villasis—Speaking of beautiful collections, this poetry collection features, converses with, meditates, reacts to and reimagines some of the works of the legendary cubist Vicente Manansala. As a nature writing fan, I especially loved the nature-adjacent works, but what I love most is the concept of this poetry collection. Auto-buy author sakin si En Villasis after reading this.

There you have it, my recommended Filipino-written works! Tell me if you've read books from this list and what you thought about them!