Being Human Is Awesome Because You Can Bite While Fighting, Having Sex, Or Both

funny phrases to use when something goes wrong instead of jokingly saying "i'm going to kms":

i'm going to kill god

i'm going to delete my blog

i'm going to explode

i'm going to blow up this entire website

i'm going to become the joker

this is going to be my villain origin story

i'm being so brave about it

fuck it we ball

god had to nerf me because i was too powerful

i'm too pretty for this

all according to plan

feel free to add on

Me, watching my kitten hold still for a suspiciously long time: Ollie, are you peeing on my floor?

Ollie: Not

Me: Are you sure?

Ollie, grunting through time and space to push out a chocolate mcmuffin wider than he is tall: Not

to be continued after errands…

(next)

oh my god there's only one bed, surely there'll be awkwardness in the mornin– OH they woke up in each other's embrace?!?!!? AKSOWJSJENXLAOQLSJDBNECYEBRBFOEPWMCNSGAYWHFBDOAKSNYXBEBDJSHABWNCOSKJJDKWKSJDHSHWJWJJSUSHWIDNWBDGSJWNWHDIWBDHDJBD

The celebrity Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors being some of the best ones is like the retail equivalent of having to go to a restaurant and order a rootin tootin yeehaw cowboy burger or something

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead! If Shawn had answered truthfully and ended up matched with Lassie

Poor Gus thinks he's gonna lose his job and get arrested

i believe my favorite adhd boy can win the last poll for @pokemonrivalbracket, or at least make it a close battle! he can do it!!