I Hate How Pretty I Look When I Cry.

That line from "because this is my first life" that goes like - 'Love is a Privilege in Marriage'.

Yea. That line.

Despite it all I will live. Life wants to fuck me over? I will live fucking despite it. Pushes me around beyond my breaking point and further? I will live despite it.

Even though something is clawing at my insides, even though I realize how intolerable my pain is when I sit down and let everything sink in, even though the cookies I tried to bake tasted like frozen butter, even though dad hurt me again and mom didn't quite understand again,

I'm going to go on despite.

Why?

Because one thing bigger than my self-pity is my ego. And I am playing the most egotistical game with life.

And I will win. (Also my cat is rlly cute she makes me want to live)

I need Ghibli therapy where some utter magic nonsense happens to me and it’s all very weird but there’s some nice people and when it’s over I come out of it a more complete person

I feel as though my mind is barren. Like I can't produce more for my writing. Even the simplest of lines are starting to fascinate me now.

Writing was supposed to be therapeutic...

.. not this.

““If you’re struggling and your people are just sitting there watching you struggle, they’re not your people.” Unknown”

—

God gave me royalty to be at ease yet it's the thing I hate the most about me. He gave me good things to be grateful for but I hate them all. This is because there is something rotting within me. It was all assigned to the wrong person. I cannot be normal. "I feel scared Yusuf. I'm scared of you. Whenever you kiss my feet I remember how I was treated in the palace. You dont treat me like the servants used to. Why don't you treat me like the servants used to? Why don't you treat me like a slave? I am carrying every bad thing that has ever happened to me on my back like a sack of stones over my shoulder wherever I go. It digs into my neck and causes a rash that burns. Initially, I thought maybe I felt special. After all, I am a princess. I thought that's what separates me from the crowd. But when people flash a smile I feel offended. I hate it, Yusuf. I hate when people smile and compliment me. I hate anything lavish. I desperately need gold that is fake. I need to be clad in simple cotton kurtas. I hate the colour red. This is what I try to explain to you everyday! In the bazaar, you pitied me for the common stones on the rings occupying my fingers. I explained it to you then. After it all, you say I do not deserve the frail mattresses. What is that you mean? Are you trying to take revenge on me?! Though our hatred for my father is mutual, after all I am his daughter. How am I supposed to believe you do not wish to sabotage me when you threaten to put me in the same position I barely crawled out of? Do you even know? I hate the purple silk sheets and the grandiose bed chamber. When I lie on my back, I still do not get adequate rest because the light of the moon is caught by the very real diamonds stuck to the top edges of the chamber. It glints and reflects onto my eyes. It is blinding. I hate them, too. The royal stones remind me of the rotten marrow swimming in my bones. I hate when I look into the mirror and I look pretty."

My lovers in a band

He plays guitar while I hold his hand

Oh the sound of the screeching tunes

They scratch and bruise

He never lets go

Beauty's pain and

I'm his muse

Nature within her Palms

"This one's for the leaves." She says, while squeezing out a warm orange on her thumb.

As she's scraping the dry colour off and onto the canvas, I notice her reach for the trembling, paper thin tube- The lukewarm Green. This paint- no, nature on her hands: it's blooming.

"Weird way to paint, no?" she chuckles.

This barren colour grow's ever so full of life on her tan hands, it could call it home.

She's speaking but god, how I can only stare.

I hope someday, I can, too.

-hana💋

The pain is like a sedative/ that kills me; makes me cry—and puts me to sleep/

-excerpt from my book💋💕

Oh how I wish I just chose to hate you instead.