It's One Or The Other. Can Only Pick One!

Sometimes the worst thing that happens to you, the thing you think you can't survive... it's the thing that makes you better than you used to be.

— Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

“Lately I’ve been thinking about who I want to love, and how I want to love, and why I want to love the way I want to love, and what I need to learn to love that way, and who I need to become to become the kind of love I want to be…and when I break it all down, when I whittle it into a single breath, it essentially comes out like this: Before I die, I want to be somebody’s favorite hiding place, the place they can put everything they know they need to survive, every secret, every solitude, every nervous prayer, and be absolutely certain I will keep it safe. I will keep it safe.”

— Andrea Gibson

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. This misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth - just like you did.”

— Unknown

Maybe I will miss the comfort of my own home when I fly away to a new one to make it my own. I will miss how the light used to pour into my room in the evenings, or how I used to take a shower while those sunrays soaked my body more than the water ever did. I will miss watching myself act out music videos in the bathroom mirror while I'm taking a shower. I may miss the cold breeze of early winter and the hot showers I took then. But one thing I know for sure, is that I will try to find beauty wherever I go.

Whatever space I fill, wherever in the world that may be, I will always find things to be grateful for. I will find beauty in mundane activities.

That is the promise I'm making to myself inorder to feel alive, and not just be it.

How well do you know yourself?

Elementary school made me hate reading, I have a really hard time focusing and that was never addressed. Reading is still something I struggle with but I make time for it everyday, at least 30 to 45 minutes because I greatly fear knowing the same things I know now in 5, 10, 15 years, to not have any new knowledge not even about the most basic of things, it's scary. This fear hit me when I was about 16 for a few reasons and I realized that:

No choice is still a choice.

Not choosing to learn (about myself and the world) meant choosing not to grow as an individual, to be as ignorant as possible by choosing not to learn about the world that I'm living in and that I have an impact on even if it is quite a small impact. I realized that choosing to not learn about who I am can be very dangerous because, if we do not know who we are then we allow others decide for us and we let them define us and we believe the image of us that they have created, to be us.

That's the fastest way to grow depressed whether aware of it or not, it's an easy way to start filling up the voids of your unknown self with superficial things like shopping addiction, food, alcohol, substance abuse, etc.

There's always something missing and empty in people that only live their day to day to keep an image of someone they're not, it is especially true in those who place their value as humans in money and material things.

I believe it all boils down to a great lack of self awareness and a lack of essential knowledge, and both can be achieved with a lot of introspection and also by learning about the world, history, reading and listening about others life story, so to not repeat the destructive patterns of the past, not on yourself and not on others.

Here are some quick exercises to help you measure how well you know yourself by asking yourself these questions:

1. What do I want for myself? (consider career, love, family, etc)

2. Who am I right now and who do I want to become? Am I doing the necessary changes to become that person?

3. Am I living true to myself?

4. What are my virtues?

5. What are my flaws?

6. What things do I like about myself?

7. What are my priorities right now?

8. To what degree have I actually controlled the course of my life?

9. What am I content with and grateful for?

10. What do I like? (consider hobbies, foods, general interests, etc)

Fill in the blanks:

1. I feel happiest with myself when _______________

2. I feel motivated by ____________________

3. My favorite way to spend the day is ________________________

4. If I wasn't afraid I would _____________________

5. If money was no object I would __________________________

Other ways to practice introspection:

1. Keep a journal. This can help you identify negative patterns that repeat in your life therefore allowing you to change them by becoming aware of them. It allows you to reflect on past decisions, allowing you to identify what works and doesn't work for you.

2. Ask yourself "why" three times before making a decision.

Example: "I'm thinking of quitting my job"

"Why?"

"Because I can no longer stand how I am being treated."

"Why?"

"Because my supervisor can be very inconsiderate in many situations, not only towards

me but also towards my co-workers."

"Why?"

"Because the company doesn't have an assertive communication oriented

environment."

You can keep asking yourself why as many times as you need to go deeper therefore getting clarity on what to decide before making a final decision.

3. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. The way in which your inner speech develops is highly critical .  When talking to yourself keep this in mind: Would you allow anyone to speak to you the way you talk to yourself? . How do you talk to yourself when you make a mistake? and, what about when you succeed at something you're doing? Do you call it luck and downplay your efforts or do you recognize the effort and dedication you put into it?

4. Ask for feedback. Be careful with this one, you should only ask for feedback to people whom you trust that can be direct, unbiased and honest.

5. You can take the free Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test which can help you learn more about yourself.

Books I recommend that can help with getting to know yourself better:

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward

Ikigai - Albert Liebermann and Héctor García

The Sublte Art Of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson

“Growing apart doesn’t change the fact that for a long time we grew side by side; our roots will always be tangled. I’m grateful for that.”

— Ally Condie; Matched

“I’m sorry you were not truly loved and that it made you cruel.”

— Warsan Shire

Listen to the sound of your heart breaking, cry but do not wither away darling.

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