Can't Believe There's Actually A Finished Version Of The Game! I'm So Happy. Thank You So Much.

I found this song again... I true masterpiece.

C&D Book Update #7

So, I arrived at chapter 51/70 (second draft).

The plan is: 1) finish second draft (it's only about fixing things in red), 2) redo three specific things that aren't working, two of them entire chapters, 3) finish third draft (actually and seriously re-reading everything again), 4) finish the fourth draft (after at least a month of not reading anything).

But what I wanted to write here is this: I know, everyone must know this, but I feel like I'm feeling this in my bones now. How every character, even the minor and evil ones, are really a part of me. How I bled into every single one. And I realize now that THAT is what made writing C&D so painful. It made me raw, as if I picked up a sword and slammed it into my heart again and again, until I had enough blood to form a being. It damn hurts. But maybe that's why this book ended up so precious to me. Later chapters (I think 55+?) are my best writing ever, by far. And it's entirely because I dropped pretense and wrote with the worst of the shadows I've ever faced.

Maybe that's why writing the final chapters was so difficult. I procrastinated for like, 2 months?

But 2 needed months. If I had rushed, the ending would be shitty. "I have to trust the process..." a friend (who passed away) used to tell me this all the time. I guess he was right in ways I couldn't even fathom. I hope that smug bastard is smiling at me from whatever plot smug bastards go.

*Fortunately

My mind is like the Joker's on Love Triangle fic by randomplotbunny

"it's all in your head" correct! unfortunately I am also in there

C&D Original Book Update #1

Things are going great! I had this big problem with how I was going to introduce the letter exchange system between my protagonists because it was messy, with all these section breaks that I hear don't work well in kindle, too much repetition (like their addresses), it just didn't read right. Now it does...

Here's how I did it:

Transcript of the letters between:

—(Character's Name). (Address)

—(Character's Name). (Address)

(I put this at the beginning of the chapter)

Then before each letter, in bold:

(Character's Name)—

Voilá!

And at the first few letters I make clear who the character's writing.

This is the best system I've found... I researched all over the internet and no other system worked for my story.

Now, reading the chapters months after writing them, I've also cringed hard over some stuff, but oh well, I have enough time until September to fix them up. <3

Being Bigender (to me) feels like swimming: someone mixed paint in the water, but you give no fuck at all. You. Are. Just. Swimming.

Where does chocolate milk come from? I’ve heard brown cows but part of me doesn’t want to believe it.

That’s a good instinct! The true story of chocolate milk (and all chocolate!) begins not at our local pasture, but with the rare and beautiful beans of the Brazilian rainforest

Ok just figured it out: I'm hearing Tchaikovsky from now on

Omg I'm here wanting to cry. Why? Because I'm hearing lo-fi & eating nutella. Somehow that's cry-inducing to me now.

And you can't even say that it must be 'that time of the month' cuz I'm not a woman, technically. What's wrong with me. WHY does lo-fi makes me want to cry. What do I even hear if not lo-fi to relax?? I tried 3daysgrace, for hours, then Bullet for my Valentine, then back to 3daysgrace, now I got no idea what to listen to. Also, I have to work, so I can't just go home and bury myself in a tower of blankets like I'm rebuilding Babel.

Never gonna hear lo-fi again.

(Make a bet on how long it takes for me to listen to it again.)

Coração

Do alto do céu, Ele olha em teus olhos. Vê o que ninguém vê, O brilho esquecido, A dor que em silêncio não cede.

Sinto um peso no peito, O eco de uma ausência sem nome, Uma ferida sem cura, Alguém sem solução.

Eu cruzaria o mundo, Daria meu sangue, Seria teu pão. Já não posso ser menos Do que Deus pediu de mim.

Ser assim, Um tanto diferente, Um risco na maré, Um passo além da linha. E mesmo que me tentem calar, Sonharei mais alto. Terei algo a te dar.

Nem que tenha de dar Meu sangue, Minha carne, Minha última prece. Pois sei que tu podes mais. Sempre mais.

Mas me pergunto, Quem, do alto do céu, Fez do vento um anjo? Quem o moldou Para salvar minha dor?

Ele fala, mas não o ouço, Sussurra, mas temo entender. E se um dia se for, O que restará de mim?

Mesmo se o céu for azul, Se as nuvens dançarem livres, Algo em mim será cinza.

Mas um anjo me diz: "Há tanto a fazer, Tanto a dar, Para tornar alguém feliz."

E eu, Que já não durmo cedo, Que luto contra meus próprios fantasmas, Ainda rezo. Pois as palavras não têm fim, E se Deus não muda, Alguém mudará por mim.

Dar força a quem desiste, Dar fé a quem persiste, Desfazer a maldade, Firmar o perdão.

E mesmo que tudo se desfaça, Que tudo seja ilusão, Ainda há algo que resiste: A força do teu coração.

Já não tiro mais fotos, Já não busco respostas. Se tudo vem do nada, Que sou eu, então?

Peço mil dias de perdão, E ainda assim, Persiste em mim A força do meu coração.

Não há mais jeito... É o meu talento... Despeço-me de mim mesmo E entrego a quem quiser. Eu sou um. E por isso, Eu vivo.

A ti. A ti. A ti. A ti.

O amor floresce como uma flor de verão, Breve, intensa, Indomável.

Penso, falo, sigo, faço, Como o vento, sem pouso certo. Arrasto ilusões, Desfaço mentiras.

E se tudo me for tirado, Se o que desejo se apagar, Movo minha própria alma E sigo meu coração.

Não é fácil. Mas há de ser feito.

Penso, falo, sigo, faço, Como se nunca fosse chegar. Tento, canto, caio de cansaço. Onde está o céu?

Penso, falo, sigo, refaço, O amor há de resistir. Pois é da fé que vive em mim.

I just got my first tattoo

It's a simple one, but Goshhhhh did I worry about the pain.

And it was like, super comfy pain level. Honestly. Maybe I had too many bad experiences in life (and I did), many of them involving horrible pain levels, but really...

Like, every time I have to do a lab exam, the nurses can't take my blood easily. They fumble, they insert the needle like 7 times, and with the needle inside my skin they move it like it's a Carnaval of sorts.

That's waaaay more painful than tattoos.

The last time I cut my hair? The guy cleaned my hair with so much force I ended up crying my balls out. The pain level that time was like, 20 times worse than getting a tattoo.

What I did? I saw someone get inked first, saw how it was handled, got some music going in my phone, and sat for it. It was really peaceful! (I say this to all autistics out there fearing the processs like I once feared it...)

Sooooo... yeah. I'm already planning my next tattoo. :)