It's Never A Single Thing That Kills You

You could be digging my grave

And I'd hand you the shovel

And I'd light myself on fire

Just to keep you warm

You could put a gun to my temple

And I'd tell you to pull the trigger

Because I’d take anything you could give me

Even if it’s just pain and suffering

I’d take anything

As long as it’s you who gives it to me

I've been mentally ill for most of my life. It's the only way I know how to exist.

I've become comfortable in my own fucked up world. I feel comforted by my fucked up thoughts in my fucked up mind. It's familiar, and familiar is comfortable. I feel safe in my own lack of safety.

Healing, on the other hand, is unfamiliar. Unpredictable. Scary. I've convinced myself that I don't want to heal. That I'm better off this way.

I'm Prometheus, chained to the rock as the eagle devours my liver everyday. But he's my only friend.

I'm Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the mountain every day only for it to roll back down. But at least I know it will always be by my side.

I'm Tantalus, tied to the riverbed below a tree bearing luscious fruit. The water and fruit dance out of my way every time I reach for them, no matter how hungry or thirsty I get. But at least I don't harbor false hope that maybe I'll someday be satisfied.

Mental illness is much the same for me. I've become comfortable in my own misery. It is cruel, yes. But at least there is kindness in the surety of its cruelty.

And I've made my peace with drowning.

i let someone into the deep recesses of my head and all i got was a stupid "it'll get better".

maybe I'm so cliché because for once I just want to feel like I'm normal

Escape

I've spent my whole life running away

From something or someone

Trying to put as much distance as I can

Between myself and others

But I've somehow managed

To distance myself from me

I don't know who I am anymore

Or what I am supposed to be

Now I'm trying to figure out

How to connect with myself

But it's like trying to bridge a chasm

That has no definite end

But ever since I met you

That gap seems smaller somehow

You've filled it with your warmth

And it doesn't seem impossible now

To find myself again

To be human, to be kind

You've glued all the puzzle pieces

Healed my body and mind

I've only ever thought about you once

Because you've never left my mind

It's you I think about before I go to sleep

Each and every night

You haunt me in my dreams

And every waking moment too

It's like I can't escape you

But I'm not sure if I want to

And I'm still spending my life running

But this time, I'm not running away

It's you who I'm running towards

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

Because this is the first time

I'm not planning an escape

I finally feel like I'm home

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

the moments after hanging out with friends when you just feel so lonely <<<

cutting isnt enough i need to blow my head off

My feelings of boredom are begining to overcome me. I don't feel anything, not on my own. Recently, I began to conform less and mask less in an attempt to see who I was without the mask. The answer is nobody. I have no distinctive personality.

I lack anything human.

I don't have any opinions. I don't care about anything. It's an issue, because it means I am forced to face the fact that I don't feel anything. I don't have a personality, I can't be a human, so why am I here? My existence is pointless if I don't experience life. I'm not going to kill myself yet, maybe in a few years when I have freedom and no reason to keep going.

Right now the people around me give me something to live for. They remind me that I am perceived, and that my death would do something. Their existence reminds me that right now, I don't want to die, I just don't want to have responsibilities. I don't want to do anything,because everything is boring.

One day I will be liberated by death and cease to exist, but that day is not right now.

I'm gonna find and kill the person who said 'adulthood is just one crisis after another'

because it's not. it's MULTIPLE fucking crises AT THE SAME TIME

I was never meant to go through this much character development