I Want Both

If I decided to go for it that would be the biggest betrayal I can do to myself

😠😥😒

For the first time today I cried while talking to my mom after joined KMM. I always be very careful not to make my mom feel worried about me in KMM. But today I really couldnt control and I bursted out crying. I'll never forget this day. Those who made me cry be ready. I'll make sure you pay back for making me cry and making my mom feel worried too. Damn because of some useless selfish bitches i cried today and make my mom feel worried too. I make sure you all answer for this.

This day cannot be any worst 😞

저 수많은 별을 맞기 위해 난 떨어졌던가  

저 수천 개 찬란한 화살의 과녁은 나 하나 ~~

🌟

But did I fall so that i could be hit by those countless stars?

I'm the only target to the thousand of those radiant arrows~~

P.S : Zoom in to see the stars 💫😁

I wish I could live up there

11.10.2020

My life as an university student has officially started and it began with online class. I was excited to step into my university campus and make new friends. But everything remained as wishes only. Due the current global pandemic, covid19, no one was allowed to go to higher education institutions. Instead study from home. At first it sounded fun, studying in cozy environment where we're used to. Not panicking waking up and getting ready for class as mom's there to wake us up. But I was wrong.

On my first day, which is today, I was sitting in front of my study table which is just beside my cozy bed. Honestly I felt like just lying down and having a long and sweet nap. On the other hand, the online class was very noise with everyone talking at the same time. Will I listen to lecture or the other kids chattering? To make things worse, the video call of the lecture wasn't smooth at all and was full of lagging in between her words. I really had to concentrate my full and full focus on it to hear what she was saying. To make things even worse my webcam and microphone wasn't working. When lecturer asked to turn on the camera to see our faces I literally panicked without knowing what to do. This was my first ever online class so I had no idea my webcam and microphone was not working. But thankfully she didnt notice among hundreds of us. Because of failure of microphone I couldn't even ask her my questions. Before starting the class the lecture said "since the class is carried out online I can only remember the people who are actively participating in the online class". I was really worried about this. Knowing that how important it is to have to good impression on lecturer and not being a passive student, I made me even more sad.

For afternoon class, things were even more terrible. Among around 200+ students only the 100 students could join the meeting cause that was the limit. So I couldn't join along with the remaining over than hundreds of others and couldn't listen to lecture's briefing regarding the topic. And after the session with only 100 students were over, they are letting us know we have to do assignments and group works all of a sudden. How can we possibly do those in house with limited sources and no guidance. I once more became even more sad.

I'm now very worried about how I'm going to deal with everything. I have no one to guide me. No friends to ask help for. I have seen no one's face before except seeing them on screen. I am really worried now. Why does this covid have to happen? Why does we have to go through such an hard time. Please I hope the world gets well soon.

If I join them I wont be happy. I'll feel uncomfortable. I dont want myself to get hurt again. I'm fine being like this 🙃

That was the strongest version of myself. This isn't the first time I was put in such as a situation. But this is the very first time I have braved myself to stand up and face it.

Because I was scared. I was scared of the answer I might be hearing. The thoughts as 'what if the problem was with me?' 'What if I have offended them with my words or actions', 'if more than two person are doing the same thing to me, then the problem must be really with me right?' All these thoughts stopped me from asking the all those questions I wanted to ask that many people. Because I didn't want to hear that I didn't gave my all into that friendship.

But, why do I have to cry over someone who stopped the friendship because her mother said so, someone who stopped the friendship following her friend, someone who stopped the friendship to move into better school and have better friends, someone who stopped the friendship for no fucking reason or because I chose to do a simpler question, someone who stopped the friendship because I wasn't up to their standard, someone who stopped the friendship because I was quiet.

Is that my fault you chose to be selfish and when you fail to understand everyone is different?

I gave you my all I our friendship. I laughed with me when you were happy, I was sad when you were crying, I was listening to you when you had problem, I said yes when you needed an help, I supposed you against my mom, i said just so you won't be sad.

i did things I am not okay with just because you said it would be fun, I wanted to make memories with you.

I came out of comfort just so I can be with you. Because we were friends.

But the prize I received in the end was to cry my eyes out every night.

All those days I cried to God asking why i couldn't have even one friend, am I that bad of a person, I forgot to thank him for removing undeserving people from my life. All the tears I dropped wondering why I am living such a lonely and cursed life, I forgot to realise that it was the better life than living not as yourself for the satisfaction of others.

I finally realised it today, a friend would never turn their backs on you for a simple mistake you made. And I don't need such friends too. Who expect me to change myself for them. Because I am never going to change myself. For a third person.

You don't leave a friend because you don't like the mistake she was making. Instead you correct each other and grow together.

Life as an introvert 🤎

"Why eat ice-cream at night ?!"

"That's the fun duh" 🤪😜