Self Pithy

The Smoking Pun

Conversation was dead. His body was slumped over his chair when the the lights came back on. Silence was in his element, grinning but despite him enjoying the situation, it wasn't clear if he was the murderer. The last thing anyone remembered before the black out was a heated conversation about a burning issue, that of smoking. Cigar had piped in with his view while Pipe tried to get the last word. He was close but no Cigar. As master of ceremonies Conversation had been trying to be fair to all parties. He kept the language clean since Nico was still a tine-ager but when it came to the issue of Cigarettes all the relevant parties were lacking the proper social filters. "Smoking kills," Theory proclaimed,"And there lies the proof!" "Any idea who the murderer could be?" Query was concerned. She had been asking a lot of questions lately and nobody liked that very much. Theory flailed around the room while pontificating loudly. "What we need to do is find out the final quip before Conversation died. We track down that sense of humour and we find the culprit!" Everyone stayed quiet. The scene had been a mess of people shouting their views and trying to come across as more important than they were by blowing smoke.  "We never should have invited that man Tobacco and his 'Lobbyists' to this get together," Count Finite, the Lord of the Manor sighed, speaking to his trophy girlfriend, a model by the name of Tally Marks. "I believe Tobacco is involved in organised crime!" Tally was all set with her rich paramour but couldn't resist some idle gossip. "Well honey, I've spoken to Tobaccos wife InHayley and she seemed very passive in general, even the fact that she heard second hand about this party tells you something. I'm not so sure she knows what her husband is up to. Total smokescreen." Theory was concerned about his ability to solve this crime. He was just a layman, a working Theory, not a definite Explanation. He had failed those exams, because he could find any references or cite himself. "Everyone had a reason to kill Conversation, the guy never shut up," he wondered aloud. "Slip of the Tongue had tried to slip out earlier but that was just cause she was having an affair and was afraid she'd incriminate herself. Why she ever left Schtum is beyond me but I guess she didn't like being a kept woman." Suddenly the lights went out again and Theory was stabbed. "That's one theory eliminated," came a chilling voice from the darkness. His body dropped to the floor but this time the killer had been less careful. His first smoking pun that had killed the conversation had been said in a mysterious tone. The exact line was "That's just how Mr. Tobacco rolls..." followed by Conversations final gasp. No-one could figure out the identity or even the gender of the voice. But happy with his quip about Theory, the murderer had let a slightly grand accent come through and a tone which was distinctly snooty. As the lights came back up, the whole crowd turned to the same person. It was such a cliche, they were annoyed with themselves that they hadn't thought of it already. Who was always being picked on by Conversation when he was making jokes? Who had, due to his past been led ashtray and had definite loyalties to Tobacco and Smoking in general? It was so obvious, the evidence could match nobody else. The Butt-ler had done it.

N. E. W. S. Conference

The four of them were sitting uneasily around the conference table, eyeing each other up. Two men and two women. It was obvious from the body language that none of them wanted to be there but were compelled out of duty...and also...a geomagnetic field was keeping them in place.  There was a heavy silence but a mumbling could be heard outside the door. One of the men piped up, "That Sun of a bitch. I have things to be doing. I just want this meeting over with." One of the women sighed.  A bookish fair haired man entered the room looking at a clipboard. His hair was bright gold and despite his well kept official appearance, it seemed to want to escape the pony tail it had clumsily been tied up in. It seemed that any second this man would go supernova and shed his accountant-like guise and go up in flames. He sat at the top of the table and was humming as he flicked sheets over on his board. "Hmmm...I see...Yes...Yes...." He warmly smiled as he looked up and in a jovial tone began "So...How are we all doing today?" The four figures looked at each other with a mixture of boredom and incredulity and said nothing. "Fine. We'll get straight to business. I'm happy to report that your yearly reports have been filed and totted up and you've all compassed with flying colours! You must be all very relieved and proud!" Another beat of heavy silence. "Of course it's only regulation that I'm here for a final look see. And to make sure you're all happy in your current positions and well directions...ha...in life." One of the men shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The blond haired official noticed this and said "Ok, East. Tell me what's wrong?" East began first addressing the fair haired man before generally looking at his three other colleagues. "Well Mr. Sun, I'm not happy for a number of reasons. As the direction the Earth rotates on it's axis...I feel I should have more...well...axis in general. Certain levels of clearance are being denied to me and I have to wonder why. I can't help but wonder do people have a problem with my...orientation?" North scoffed at this. East continued. "You know Mr. Sun, we do the morning shift together and I really enjoy our working relationship but as the day goes on I feel frozen out." North interrupted. "You don't know anything about being frozen.." "Mr. North," The Sun chimed in, "You'll get your chance. Go on East." "That was pretty much all I had to say." "Ok...How do the rest of you feel?" North was a cool customer and assumed a leadership role as soon as he began work. "Look, I say it like it is, I mean I'm not called "true north" for nothing and I think East is overreacting. We all get our jobs, and some are better than others. I'm sorry if you're not a morning person but that's just the way it's gone.I mean back me up here South..." South didn't know if she agreed with North but could understand his point of view. She had once been attracted to him but chalked that up to his magnetism. "Well..." she muttered, "I do think as positions go, East gets sort of the short shrift and it's only now...dawning...on him..Ha. Sorry, couldn't resist!" East looked generally unimpressed but was at least grateful South seemed to side with him a little.  She spoke on "Let's give him some latitude here to air his grievances." West grimaced. She picked up a glass as if to drink from it but instead used it to motion while she made her point. "To be honest, I'm with North and I usually don't like what he has to say but come on! We all studied our ass off for our 90 degrees and came to work here and we knew what we were getting into. Let's not deviate too far off course!" North took charge once more."I know I'm not that popular with the rest of you because of my fame. And for working on a fixed scale, "he smugly said, "Look I don't need to map it out for you. I'm the name here and I know it." "What is wrong with you?" East spluttered. "Do you not hear yourself?" South took the chance to comment "I think it's some times a case of 'the northern lights are on but nobody's home'." West groaned. South added. "I know conversations always go...South...when I get involved." She giggled.

"SHUT UP!" shouted the other three in unison, peeved at all the punning.

"That's another thing." East was angry now. "He not only gets all the fame, he gets perks like the Northern Lights and he's an aurora boring-ass as far as I can see." North was incensed."Hey! You get sunrises, you get majestic beauty on a daily basis. My perks are seasonal!" "I know I'm seen as the 'Wild' one, here" West announced "But may I make a suggestion. Maybe we should do something where we  all like I don't know...switch around jobs or something..."

Mr. Sun looked very worried at this. "I was just talking to Mr. Earth outside this room and I don't think he'd sign on for such a major overhaul like that. Things like that require polls...and well poles. It's very complicated." "So what can we do then?" North sneered as he sat back slovenly in his chair. The Sun looked back down at his clipboard. "I will take all of this under advisement and you all know just how fair I am." East still looked unhappy but after having made his point conceded that there was no immeadiate solution.  Mr. Sun stood up. "But now it's time to leave. We're way over time here. The Seven Days of the Week are eager to get in to this conference room and work on their various scheduling conflicts!" North sauntered out giving a mocking wink to East as he left. He and South soon filed out behind him leaving West and Mr. Sun in the room. "So.."Mr Sun whispered, looking around to ensure they were indeed alone, "Your place again tonight?"  West smiled, "Of course, no-one has ever gone down on me quite the way you do. Well...maybe South..." "Sssh...no-one can know about our relationship! They'd think it was awfully inappropriate!" Somehow she had made the Sun go even redder in his cheeks. West wrapped her arms around the bookish star "Actually boss, that reminds me. Can I get a rays?" "Sigh...Fine, I'll see what I can do." He leaned in for a sun-kiss before saying "Oh the things I do for some Wild West action..." (Authors note: This piece was inspired by the Song No Aurora by The David Nelligan Thing. Check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwwlSATDJUQ&list=PL898AB4410575448E&index=6 and their tumblr here: http://davidnelligan.tumblr.com/)

It Goes Without Saying

The debate was getting lively and from inside the mind Mr. Quote was ready to leave his house. He was fully prepared for the flight. He had been training for it all his life. His wife Chatty was waiting for him at the door. As he kissed her good bye,she was talking incessantly while he remained his stoic self. Noticing his nerves, she softly said "Oscar, don't worry. You'll be well received. We all know you're popular. Weren't you named after Oscar Wilde?" The walk from the Mind to the Mouth was a short enough one. However he wanted to take a steady stride and not rush out. So many thoughts and words stream out too soon. This business was all about the timing. He looked upon a nice neighbourhood in the Larynx. Chatty and he had once thought about getting a rent controlled Statement in that area but he wasn't sure about the area. He was quite vocal about the place failing to strike a chord with him. Stopping to freshen up in a recites-room he took a look at his own inflection and felt good. Confident. He was Wildean and people love Oscar Wilde quotes. He was lucky he was born into such a well respected family.  A piece of food, an obvious out-of-frowner, which had been staying in Lodges, (lodged inside a tooth actually) stopped him asking for directions to the Esophagus. Some people in the Mind and Mouth mistreated such foreign substances in their area but nothing bothered Oscar more than facial tensions so he was only too happy to help. "Follow the path you were on and keep to the cleft, past that Orifice building there and you should be fine!" Oscar then found himself staring at the tooth fields he'd have to navigate across. Lucky for him a breath stop was nearby. Waiting for the next strong Breath he amused himself by reading a newspaper, Tonsil Today which was a publication that was floundering after one of the founding partners had been removed. An editorial touched on the subject. It read: While we will of course miss one of our esteemed editors and wish him well in these troubled times all is still speechy keen here at the paper. We needed to collectively clear our throat as it were, and this was felt to have been the path(ogen) of least resistance. Don't reach for any lymphoid tissues as of yet however, the palate cleanser that we have planned in this issue will not only be a mouthful but shall be quite cheeky in places!

It was obvious this was them paying mere Lip-Service to a disgraced colleague. Oscar sneaked a quick peek at his favourite comic strip Jawbone as the 214 Breath arrived. It was lucky for him too as a saliva shower was just starting. The Breath drove next to Timbre fences and vocal tracts could be seen out in the fields. He heard a Lisp behind him remark, "I'd get the breath more often if the frequency of them improved." They reached the tongue and Oscar prepared himself for his flight. If successful, his Quote would soar in the debate and punctuate some fundamental point that could win the day. He'd hang in the air, having made his mark and would eventually seep back into the mind and be back home before his absence was noted by the Mention family down the street. The tongue launched Oscar and some other Phrases into the air but as they were just getting shy of the mouth, the engine and the speaker stuttered. Oscar felt his body being mangled and distorted as only half of his being was uttered. He was mumbled beyond recognition and as he fell from the argument into the seas of obscurity he thought about Chatty and how she should have married her talkative ex-boyfriend Luke-Quacious. Wildean quips couldn't save him now and due to his now misspoken nature he was wit-out hope as he plummeted to his fate. It was then his panic subsided for a moment and his training kicked in. He quickly looked under his phonetic seating and discovered something that would save him. Placing an item on his back he let his body relax like a slurred sentence. He pulled the string on his Para-phrase and it slowed his descent into the forgotten remarks below.

Tweeting Action Films With Respect

I don't understand Twitter.  Well I understand how it works and the purpose it serves but I guess I find it hard to utilize it or get too swept up in it.  Thinking about it as a new phenomenon, here are a few classic Action film characters if they had been tweeting about their famous adventures. Die Hard- John McClane  @yippeekiyayroyrogers

You could say I had a pretty "Hans on" weekend. My wife took me back but only after some serious bloodletting on both our parts. #sockittomeplaza Terminator- Sarah Connor @skynetsucks Met a great man but unlike my usual type, the no hopers who have no future, this guy was the only hope from the future. Why are the all the good ones from an alternate timeline?  FML. #judgementdaze The Matrix- Neo @theone55 Stressful few days. Had a lot of trouble with my Agent. Face Off- Sean Archer @wooingdoves I'm glad I have my original face back..but man Castor Troy had some good cheekbones.  Predator- Major Alan Schaefer (Arnie) @notpredator2

Never going back into the jungle again. The mosquitoes are murder. Met an...out of towner. We had words. #wtfwasthatthing?

Kill Bill- The Bride @bridalpower I know, I know. Volume 2 kind of sucked. And Bill was totally wrong about Superman #buddandellesdeathsaresodisappointing Aliens- Ripley @ripleybelieveitornot @alienqueen4realz  @Newt says hi! I hope there's no hard feelings about that whole blasting you into space thing. #INSPACENOONECANHEARYOUTWEET

Pre-Nups and the Pope- A Poem for Exit Strategy

A little while ago the talented duo Leah Hearne and Eszter Nemethi asked me to contribute a poem to their excellent genre-straddling piece of work entitled "Exit Strategy". It deals with the theme of people having escape plans from situations and aspects of their lives.  Given the title "Pre-Nups and the Pope" and a loose idea of what the play was about I went to create something flippant and word play heavy. I tried to structure it a little like a song, even though I know that some of the phrasing would make that next to impossible but it's why I added a  "chorus" of sorts and a "bridge part"! It was also to see if I could find enough rhymes for "Pre-nups". The poem, alas, did not make the play but I'm proud enough of it, so I present it here instead.

While some people like to see how things will play out, Others even at beginnings always have  a way out, Despite a strong mind or any designations, People are resigned to their many resignations People will risk some damaged cred to escape from this, their marriage bed

But when it comes to leaving others get on their box of soap We all live in a world of half filled cups and those who mope a world of pre-nups and the Pope. You think half way through surgery the Doctor skips out? Or that a sea captain is in a hurry to leave his vessel once it ships out? It is a truism to sing that a winner would never quit Truer wisdom is something to which you must fully commit If people are ready to try and opt out Couldn't that be just nothing more than a cop out?

But when it comes to an exit some people just say "Well nope", We all live in a world of hang ups and those who can't cope a world of pre nups and the Pope.

When you make a promise you stick with it to the bitter end, If you're honest you shouldn't be quick with it to run out my friend Despite a Holy and divine Edict He was still able to resign that Benedict You think if Jesus had said "Anyone instead of me!" He would have been waiting around in the Garden of Gethsemane!

Of the human condition this is but a recurring trope Everything is a potential prison and we all look beyond our scope to see whats what's up in this kaleidoscope in this world of pre nups and the Pope

(Bridge part)

Following a Crowd, before ducking out A situation that is probably sucking out your time and your very own space When you were a kid, did you ever leave a race?

There should always been a safety net But bravery usually means "not safe yet" You're turning your back on faith, well that's just atheism You're running out on your country, where's your patriotism? It doesn't matter if you're a fool or a prodigy Everyone is after their very own exit stratey.

And we all in our various ways go through this type of thing in these precarious days We all walk the tightrope Don't look down at the sheer drops or the steep slope Oh dear, the pre nups and the Pope! Authors Note: Exit Strategy have set up a fundit to take their production to Dublin. Support it if you can here: http://www.fundit.ie/project/exit-strategy-to-dublin-fringe-festival

Living, A Lie

So you’re really doing it?

Yeah.

And you’ve thought everything through?

Jesus, yes.

Are you sure? I mean this isn’t something you can just change back if you’re not happy!

Would you just stop! I haven’t considered this lightly. This is what I want. Would you just support me in this?

Well look I’m here for you. No question. But this sort of thing...it makes me...uncomfortable. I’m sorry but I can’t help it. You are talking to the wrong person. I mean you know what I’m like...what my nature is...

I know, I know. A lot of people are going to feel that way but that’s their problem and it’s yours too. I can’t live my life as...a li...as this...just to make you feel better.

You’ve picked a name then?

Yes.

Care to share?

Ha, it'll be very accurate or maybe even Gospel.

Slandy won’t like it. Slandy can take a running jump. Or a rumoured one.

Well if you do this, you two can’t hang out anymore!

I know. Maybe that’s a good thing. Slandy is always talking shit about people. I've never liked it.

Oh wait a minute! Never liked it?! You were in cahoots! I saw the two of ye take apart many a person over the years.

Well I’ve changed. That stuff we used to do.I did it cause I felt I was supposed to. Playing a part that was decided for me by others...But no. I’ve changed.

Not yet. But you’re going to. You know...you won’t be able to wear the same clothes. They'll be less colourful...

I’ll have nicer clothes. Plus I dig the style. It’ll suit me.

And your family. Are they being cool about this?

Ha, well considering my family I’d have to expect to never know what they’re really thinking!

Well Fib is being...well Fib. I mean Fib has his own problems. He got married recently to Guess. She’s very much an Educated one, that girl but it’s still hard work. A member of the Lie family with someone who may or may not be right.

So it’s Guess-work then ammiright?

Har har. What about your Myther? How is she coping with all this?

She doesn’t want to talk to me about it and that’s fine.

She’s from an older generation. My grandfather Fable wouldn’t be able to handle this either. She keeps asking me, didn’t I learn anything from his stories?

When is the operation?

Honestly...and ha...I better get used to that word, I’ll be using it a lot more, I haven’t decided yet. 

I’ll have to tell Slandy..I mean Slander before it’s all over the Libel Express! But it’s happening? You’re really getting a text change?

Yes, really! The Lie you see before you today, the Lie you’ve been living with these last few years has decided to change its gender. This time next year I’ll be a Truth. Always honest, sometimes uncomfortable but never wavering from what is right. I want people to see me walking on the street and say: "Well aint that...the truth?" I mean I had fun, all my running around, living in that rough Falsehood with all those Frauds but my last relationship with Deceit showed me. I’m just not happy any more. So what do you think about that Ms. Prejudice?

The folly of Truth, as my mother would say.

She’s biased.

No, her name is just Bias.

Flirtation

It's been the same voice

circling the very same concerns,

the banks are spilling over with

slang and the great unlearned.

the waves wont let the good themes

flow or take hold

but the brave are frauds, amongst us,

made pretty like lanterns in the cold.

find yourself in the place of the unnurtured flame

the one that dances as if by accident

I wandered down, the paint of the sky drying

from the high roads of sentiment.

and there's a way, a better way to narrow

down desire

I say a young spark like you

could do with

a flirtation with fire

and silly angels dance in the near dark

always with something heavy and worthy

in mind

the agendas overheard of the great untamed

the rules they swear by are barely defined

If i'm to become a fighter of sorts

i must learn to replace the sharpness of a smile

with the blunt edge of swords

and there's a sadder fate for the straight man in the comedy

of the liar

there's nothing ill-fated,

over a flirtation with fire

failures to condemn, retreats to an apology

the smile that frames the forgiven face I say its better that the blessing words are uttered

with great respect at the resting place

but the silence that follows, the bird-less trees mooning over some paradise names

not knowing their mortality when stretched across the age

they foolishly fall in love with the rougish flames.

How I would have changed Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Before I begin this I want it on the record that I very much enjoyed The Last Jedi. It’s far from perfect but where TFA was a lot of fun but fairly uninspired, a new hope for a new generation, TLJ for all its flaws tried new things and dug in deep to big themes and a dissection of the franchise as a whole. I loved it. There’s no denying the film was far too long and the subplots were a mixed bag.  The Rey/Kylo/Luke stuff on a thematic level worked for me. Some minor details near the end perhaps could have been done differently but all in all I think it’s fairly  rock solid. Some rocks can be moved around though as the film very much confirms. I do this not to tell anyone how it should be done but just to give my two cents. I enjoy script writing and would love to be a script doctor/ consultant so I write this in that spirit.. I will try to keep it succinct.

Canto Bight

My brother made the canny suggestion that the Canto Bight story line should have been at the beginning of the film. Imagine panning over the crazy tables, spying all those diverse aliens, we reach a big table, where some ostentatious high roller is wowing a crowd but we can’t see his face. He turns around and it’s Finn! It would be a great surprise since  the last time we saw him was in a bio bed unconscious and now here he is in a totally different milieu and having fun. We could even throw in a shameless piece of exposition where Rose tells him to calm down since it’s not that long since he got the all clear. Finn could say how he’s still feeling a bit raw but that his luck is changing... That should be when he comes across someone from his past in the Casino...Phasma. But in a twist Phasma is sans mask and Finn doesn’t know who this is. This would give Gwendoline Christie an actual character to play. If the audience knows she’s Phasma then the tension comes from not knowing when Finn will figure it out. If you don’t know the actress is Phasma it would be a nice reveal. So Finn believe he has a rapport with this new person and finally feels like he is escaping his past (the film’s central theme) but  the reveal of her true identity would shatter that illusion and the ensuing battle would allow him to put the past to bed once and for all. I also think Phasma should have been evolved beyond the Boba Fett clone (not an actual in story clone!) she ended up being.

Poe is also on Canto Bight with Rose and Finn because they have discovered that the Casino is a front for a weapons facility in which the Empire are stocking up brand new ships such as Dreadnoughts. Their plans is to infiltrate and destroy this place before they can be added to the First Order’s fleet. They need to find a code breaker in the Casino who can be turned to their side. I would have just gone with Justin Theroux’s character here but it still could have been Benecio Del Toro’s DJ either way. Poe is not himself after a botched operation in which he got a number of the fleet killed, including someone important to Rose. I would have made this her lover instead of her sister, explicitly putting in more LGBTQ representation, (having a gay character be killed could be problematic, I admit, but when watching the film the first time and seeing the shared necklace, I honestly assumed this was Rose’s girlfriend/wife and found the sister thing a little meh).  There is understandable tension between Rose and Poe. These story points could be alluded to in PTSD type flashbacks that are interspersed and while Poe is to blame, which has shaken the character from the cocky pilot of the first film, we could see the operation from different Rashomon type flashbacks which would be a nice narrative parallel to the Luke/ Kylo Ren flashbacks.

Leia’s choice to allow Poe on this mission has not been popular and we see a holographic message from Admiral Holdo criticising the decision while still greatly respecting Leia (this is important to establish as their genuine friendship was great and a fantastic rebuke to the two strong women being at odds trope you find in a lot of fiction). Leia says she has faith in Poe and Holdo is forced to see if that faith is justified. Poe himself is conflicted about his future in the Resistance but helping Rose and Finn free those animals that cut a swath through Canto Bight is the metaphor for the Resistance Poe needs to reawaken his faith. He sees that the downtrodden must be free to make a difference.

Leia

The Leia force scene has been a big controversial moment for a lot of people and I would suggest a minor tweak of this could have been more effective. Leia is blasted out into space. We still have the same shots of her floating but we hear her breathing, her heart beating. But suddenly a calm falls over her. She is using the Force to slow down everything to give her a few more precious moments of life when suddenly a fighter appears and picks her up, being flown by Holdo. It would have been a great physical introduction for the character having previously been shown as just a hologram. You’d still have Leia saving herself with the Force but just not in so a cartoony or pronounced way. There could be some fun banter about how Holdo wasn’t meant to be there but she was just passing by the star system and knew Leia would be out for a walk, or something to that effect.

Here is where I will give an odd suggestion for how to deal with Leia in Episode 9. This could be controversial but I’d have it that the General gets sick or is injured and they know they can’t save her so she asks to be frozen in Carbonite but kept alive. She could be the leader who never died and is a living monument to how the Resistance should never die. It’s not perfect but its as elegant a solution to what cruel fate has provided us.

So a single Dreadnought survives the destruction of the weapons facility and this could give us the Holdo sacrifice (clearly Leia could have been the one to do this too, but I digress). Holdo contacts Poe and congratulates him on his successful mission, welcoming him back into the fold but says “As cocky as you are Poe...you missed one.”  And she hyperspaces into the Dreadnought to prevent it from destroying the fleet.

As you can see most of the film would be unaffected and I do believe the subplots would tie in more organically.  Throwing in a Casino jaunt into a ticking clock plot remains my biggest problem with the film and I think structuring it like this would solve a lot of problems.

Snoke

A brief final note on another issue fandom has with the film, the identity of Snoke. The decision to make Rey’s parents nobodies was inspired and I hope they don’t reverse that in future installments. As for Snoke, I have a theory that won’t satisfy everyone but is my take on the character. Although to be honest I don’t think we need to know where he came from. His dispatching was fantastic and allows the series to focus on the more nuanced and interesting antagonist in Kylo Ren but if people were so desperate for an answer here is one.

There should be a scene with Luke in the dark pit with the Infinite Recursion that we see Rey in half way through the film. This can be from a long time ago. Luke has gone their to face his demons. We see him force jump out of the pit and the delayed reflections all follow suit...except one. An obscured reflection in the distance remains down that pit. This is Snoke. He is a manifestation of Luke’s anger and bitterness and the darker thoughts inside of him. (It’s a bit Onslaught with Professor Xavier if I’m to be honest). Snoke didn’t want anyone to find Skywalker because he needs him alive to continue existing and Luke remaining in exile suited his plans perfectly. It even adds an irony to Kylo Ren who unknowingly is still an apprentice to a version of Luke Skywalker. In fact this revelation would have been a nice extra motivation for Kylo killing Snoke.  Fandom could have called this character Snoke Starkiller as a nod to the original name of Luke Skywalker! I very much believe in drawing thematic parallels and contrasts across different narrative threads. For example Kylo sheds his armour to move on but Phasma re-embraces her armour as a symbol of the past.  Both Finn and Rey do not know their parents and are in situations due to this abandonment. There’s definitely more of this stuff that could be teased out over the whole story. So there you go, suggestions for something that has already been made and for adventures that have already happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

A Wilde Day from the Off or an Off Day from the Wilde

As the mid afternoon Sun took its ascendancy in an otherwise grey sky Oscar Wilde staggered into a tavern. The great writer was looking the worse for wear after having put the "deca" into decadence, with ten straight nights of drunken revelry behind him, he had finally crashed and the hangover which plagued his fertile brain seemed more important right at that moment, than anything particularly earnest.

The pub was sparsely populated, an old man was sleeping, his head near a low hanging lantern and two men were laughing amongst themselves in the corner. Slumping down on the counter Oscar Wilde barked a drink order startling the bartender. This tavern worker was more accustomed to an elegant Wilde requesting a drink with no less than his customary lingual guile. This flat shout would win the great orator no fans. "You feeling alright Mr. Wilde?" the barkeep inquired, a note of quiet worry in his voice. Wilde let out an unintelligible wheeze in reply before burying his head in his palms. "What is wrong?" the barman asked, all social niceties dropping away as his concern mounted. "Today...my good barkeep. I just wish to play the game of silence. I have no insights, no pithy observation, just the black oblivion of closing my eyes to ward off the aches in my head." Just then, two customers that were off in the corner of the bar perked up upon recognising WIlde. The first man loudly posed the question to his compatriot. "It's that fella aint it? The witty writer. Tell him your story Gus" "Ha, yes. I'd love to know what an innalectual like him would say about it." They bounded over to the bowed Wilde with great enthusiasm, Jack giving him a mighty slap on the back as he neared. "Ozcar Wilde aint ya? I know a face when I see it." Wilde raised his head slightly, a disinterested look greeting the pair. "Gentleman..." Jack interrupted. "My friend here Gus, he's got a good story about the local constabulary courting one of them actors dressed as a lady. He stole from the big nosed fella, you know the one in books. Leonardo De Bergerac is it...?"

"Cyrano, " the barkeep corrected, his gaze still downward on a glass he was wiping. "Tell him the story Gus!!" "Gentleman," Wilde cleared his throat. "Let me stop you right there. I do not wish to be made aware of the wandering eye of a Policeman nor the gender confusion he suffered upon his wooing. I do not wish to hear of a crooked Judge absconding with a grey squirrel or whatever fanciful tales you wish me to comment upon. All I crave is the calm of a quiet pub and the ceasing of the the loud music in my brain. This is but a modest request for solitude." The pair were silent for a moment. Gus began, "So you see, this local officer has a flair for the ladies, well most of the time he does. But see with this..."

Wilde let out a groan.

The barman took no notice of the story and directly addressed Oscar. "But the wall my good sir". He motioned to the back wall of the bar which had much writing upon it. "I know, barkeep," Wilde replied his voice a soft rumble. "My witticisms dot that wall and have kept me in much fine ale over the seasons but today will have to pass without a sip from that fount. I am bereft of the muse. She has left me." Jack chimed in. "The muse has gone, left him for someone who a-muses her!" He left out a great chuckle at this, happy with his half stab at a quip. "Put that on you wall." "The wall isn't for quotes adjacent to Oscar Wilde! It's for quotes from the great man!" Gus replied. "Well look at him. He's in no fit state to be wise. So we're going to fill in." "Oh Posterity, how she weeps." said Wilde, his face buried in his hands once again. Gus and Jack began to look around and were mumbling. "Something hum'erus, something funny..."  "Oh! Oh! The wife, the other day was complaining about a candlestick and I says to her, I says, sometimes love you really get on my wick." There was no response from the barkeep or the writer. "Yeah, yeah," Jack continued, "But still you carry a torch for her!" They stood began beaming at their impromptu double act. "This wit stuff is easy," Jack declared. "Somewhere my good gentleman, in some crotty attic, there hang portraits of you getting progressively more irritating."

"Well sorry Ossie," Gus retorted. "We're just trying to liven up an otherwise dull day." They slumped back to their corner seats, deflated at the poor response their antics had garnered.  The barkeep leaned in. "You're going to lose your streak though. You have never darkened the doors of this establishment without spinning some words to wisdom." Wilde spoke up. "Streaks are like...windows...I mean...Comets. Streaks are...Streaks are...arrrgh". The barkeep sighed. "Well I need to put something up there." Wilde was becoming incensed."Put nothing. Put silence." Disheartened, the barkeep looked around for some ink to add something to the quotes wall. Finding only a golden yellowy ink his son had used to colour in a picture of the Sun, he took it to the wall and flatly wrote:   On this, the 15th Day of the Month October, Silence- Oscar Wilde. The barman walked back behind the bar and began busying himself.  WIlde eyed up his handiwork and muttered "Hmm, Silence is golden". There came the faint sound of the cracking of a lantern followed by a loud shriek as the sleeping old man returned to consciousness with the top of his head ablaze! A badly corked champagne bottle behind the barman slipped falling at an angle and began soaking Oscar and the barkeep. The local constabulary, who had a big enough nose himself it must be said, fell in the door of the tavern, his arms around an obviously male person dolled up to pass as a woman. They both fell to the floor. Suddenly a noise came from a less that reputable boudoir upstairs and an entire bedding structure crashed through the roof of the tavern, landing square in the room with a mighty thud. It was a local politician in bed with what seemed like, four pigs. Gus, Jack and the barman all looked at Wilde to note this unusual set of circumstances which had occurred all around them. Wilde just stared with a mouth agape, his hair getting wetter and bubblier from the still spraying champagne. Gus nudged Jack looking to the new bed in the room. "I hate it when our politicians just farm things out like that." Writers note: Obviously this is not the etymology of the famous "Silence is Golden" phrase but I like to think that even when he said nothing at all Oscar Wilde still provided plenty of gold!

Emmet O'Brien takes on Superman.

Here is my review of Man of Steel. I've made it pretty much spoiler free but still approach with caution if you're trying to stay uninformed before the film is released!