Berlin🌸

This is the pile of things I am planing to read while working through “Who’s Afraid Of Gender” (Judith Butler) for my thesis.

P.s. I already read Plato’a “Symposion” and wrote a paper in the uni about it, but I liked it so much I wanted to read something about Symposion since I have nobody to talk to about it.

I hope to find more time to read soon, but I am so busy with doing things and having anxiety T.T I finally came around to film a YouTube video about the books I read in the last 11 months, but editing it will be so annoying because I don’t have money for a program that would put proper subtitles in..

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊Intro 𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊

Wow, such a strange feeling being back to tumblr after all this years. Yesterday i went to my old account.. What's up with 73 (??) texts that start with "babygirl"? Anyways...

I have been writing blogs and being on social media in this or other way since I have been 11-12yo. And since I am currently taking a long break from Instagram and Tiktok, I have made a decision to come back to tumblr and use it as my main writing place, as long as i have not mastered coding and created my own silly website.

If you somehow came across my account and don't know who I am: Hey, my name is Elfi Finn, my pronounce in english are they/them (german dey/deren/denen) and I am a chronically ill and Disabled migrant, who just wants to make it without much more damage. 𓆏

🤎I have a Youtube Channel "Elf´s Tears Society" and i learn to create long Content after making short form content for social media since 2017. 🤎I also have a Newsletter, my lovely NPN (No Post-Truth Newspaper), where I share links, write tiny articles and since now also post texts from guests as well. 🤎In addition to all that I have published a book (in German) Die Schildkröte, Die Forelle und Das Schaf. It is available as an E-book via Ko-fi and I am working on reprinting it in the physical form. 🤎I do have depop and Vinted, I tried to sell reworked and upcycled clothes and accessories, but my health is hard to work with, so there is no consistency on it at the moment. You can still check it out though. If you want something, just text me anywhere (just not via Instagram, I don't even have the app anymore).

I want to use this blog in a way we have been using blogs when I was a teenie or a kid (I was born 1998): sharing thoughts, pictures and personal opinions. I don't plan on getting bunch of followers or selling via tumblr (does anyone do that even?) I just want some peace and quite, without pressure of the algorithms and mean jerks who want to tell me how wrong I am about feeling good about myself or fighting for human rights.

Yeah.. That's it i guess. Thats me. And I just want to be ok. ˗ˏˋ 𓅰 ˎˊ˗

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⊹₊⟡⋆Links ⊹₊⟡⋆

🌿YT: https://www.youtube.com/@Elfs_Tears_Society

🌿Telegram Channel: https://t.me/elfis_mind

🌿Das Buch: https://ko-fi.com/s/56ab18f6e0

🌿NPN Subscription: https://mailchi.mp/c3d4db08fdbd/npn-subscribtion

🌿Pinterest: https://de.pinterest.com/elfs_tears_society/

While writing my last (jeppie!) Theater science essay decided to film some sort of “Study with me” but then my phone got a full storage :( so now I have 1h of footage instead of 2 as planned. But that’s ok. It was still fun.

🤎YouTube: Elfs_Tears_Society🤎

🐦‍⬛On chronic illness and existential dread (not edited)🪺

I hope this year I will do more things. Choose to do more things I want to do instead of being afraid. This year I might have the privilege of spending the small amount of energy I have towards things I wish I would have already experienced. But this fears, oh, this fears.. their claws hold me tightly. They whisper „it’s not the right thing, you only have so little, don’t give it away for the perfect or the most important thing“… and I end up not using the small amount of energy. Like a fool. Like a naive, hopeless fool.

I wish I could save energy in a way, that I can stay curled up for days be then have a big eventful trip or just a day where I don’t need to „look at the watch“ (the energy-meter, if you will). But every time I go to sleep, I wake up with a feeling of regret. Every time I go to sleep, I am afraid of the next day. And I long for it, desperately, because maybe, just maybe, it will be the day when I finally move the claws away and am allowed to live?

Scared to disappoint myself, scared of what I have already lost, of the time that already passed. And longing for a fresh day, a fresh start, a fresh chance, just one more chance, I will not fuck it up! And then I do. But I am so tired of myself… it’s not a choice I keep telling myself, because 99% isn’t a choice, but this 1% is so painful. To see my Trauma and fears guide me instead of my knowledge and my hope. Good thing, that hope is patient. But am I? I have to be.

I shall walk when I can, cook when I can and laugh when I can. I shall experience what’s there to experience, no matter how small it seems to be in comparison to others, to those, who don’t live my life. To those, who, (for now?) are healthy. Or can afford the Great Denial. I shall write, I shall paint, I shall sing, as long as it’s possible. I shall get up early when I can and go to sleep early, because my body needs it. I shall be kind to my body, because it’s suffering from the same illness I do. Because it feels, like we aren’t the same, like there is me and there is my body. And there is the tiny child who wants to play, and the most scared adult, who is afraid to move at all, because what if violence will return?

But it will not. I deserve to live what’s there. And next time maybe I will have more.

I deserve to experience the beautiful simple things, because they are what makes life worth living.

Just mailed my new Newsletter (vol.2 jippie! What a time to be alive!) This time talking about ME/CFS, #stillcoviding, solidarity and anger because of the lack of it. I wish I could host my own magazine type of situation.. Maybe one day with a special person. I love writing, people seem to like reading my things as well or at least most of them. The only way how I can become self-sufficient in a financial way would be by becoming a "full time" educator and writer. (I say "full time", because in my condition the only full tim eactivity I take part in is taking care of my basic needs. Still now always succeeding..)

Other topic: I have ordered some secondhand books and plan to write some book reviews on things i read recently and really liked. There are not many, but i have not written a book review in a very very long time.

My comment:

Yes! This! Sure, screens not cool, Social Media ruining Generation after Generation BUT no social media and no screen actually made damage to all the parts of the body, made your immune system weaker in a way that you are constantly ill with a new thing, made your immune permanently Disbaled, made you so ill that you cannot leave the bed, have a smalltalk, smell stuff or cope with light, cannot remember simple words on a permanent basis, forget the things that you are actively doing in the moment, isolate you from most of the people and almost all places due to lack of acessability and/or your health state, made every condition you have much worse and with every re infection you become worse and worse and actually even if you have been healthy and have been using no screens and no social media you still can become Disbaled and chronically ill in the worst way possible (but even the mild/moderate cases are horrible believe me please). So yeah… phones, right?..

P.s. the way people are in active denial being like “yeah but have you seen research to the way phones alter our brains?” Well yes, but it’s reversible and you can literally just do your best and make yourself busy without the phone. But there is no way you alone can prevent a covid infection and there is no cure or treatment for ME/CFS (which is so often the main chronic illness end up after covid) and LC. So… I would choose the phone and do what I can to not have a problem with it. But even though I mask and have been isolated by people who have been my friends and also by academia, medical institutions, states decisions ect., I am still at risk of re-infection and loosening even more of my energy, brain capacity, concentration and NOTHING is under my control. I can only do things and hope but there is no evidence that some things actually always help. None. You can ”cure” phone addiction or short attention span as a result of social media but you cannot cure ME 🥲 so how about stop the denial, take the mass disabling event seriously and stop comparing apples with oranges?….

It’s always “phones are ruining our brains” and never “the virus known for post-viral cognitive decline, which causes short term memory loss, brain fog, and decreased spatial reasoning, that we let run rampant through our communities for years is ruining our brains”

Very hard researching for the Theater science paper writing about VANYA when Andrew Scott is just there. Just putting out all this characters by himself. Let them flirt, make love, suffer. Sometimes two people cannot act out the chemistry between two characters and somehow Scott manages to play chemistry between the characters all by himself. Live. On stage. Uff..😮‍💨 (in my opinion, VANYA is not good as a Chekhov piece, but it’s genius as Andrew Scott’s one man show, just like Akbar from The Guardian said in her Review)

New Video On Youtube

I was writing my theater science assignment and thought, why not use the time? Also, learned a lot of new stuff on DaVinci and CapCut for this video.