Finally Re-doing My Altar After So Many Months Not Getting To It. I Miss Praying. Sure, Nobody Needs

The last weeks were somehow mentally heavy. I mean, I know why, it’s just that I always hope, that this time my body and mind will be used to it. But the only way how we are used to it is to not see it until some weeks in the situation already. It sucks, honestly. I now have to, again, make up a new routine with little to no knowledge about my working hours at the internship, pretend like everything is fine there and then spontaneously change the plan every time someone else wants it changed. I didn’t know that an internship in a theater can be THAT autism unfriendly?? Sure, was clear that it will have some chaos, but really not having no palm at all and not even trying to give the interns some sort of knowledge? Nobody even told me upfront “hey btw we are a theater that has no scripts or anything, we just do stuff in the process, so you need to be prepared for changing hours and not knowing more than one day ahead”. It would be horrible news but it would be better than to find it out on the second day (on the first day nobody told us anything really).

I really really need to stop giving a damn haha

But how when Disability bE DiSaBiLiTing?😭🥲🫠

P.s. it’s a so called “inclusive theater” btw and yes they might be mostly good to the acting group but I am also Disabled can someone include me please T___T

This is the pile of things I am planing to read while working through “Who’s Afraid Of Gender” (Judith Butler) for my thesis.

P.s. I already read Plato’a “Symposion” and wrote a paper in the uni about it, but I liked it so much I wanted to read something about Symposion since I have nobody to talk to about it.

I had so many punk, alternative, leftist, communist, anarchist friends and then anti-covid measures were lifted and after half a year into it i was left with two people who are still wearing a mask and take other measures. I got to know some other chronically ill folx which still take covid seriously, but everyone else who was so so feminist and anti-racist and pro trans* rights and pro migrants and antifa and all that.. everyone else just stopped reacting to my info about masks and solidarity and stopped texting me all together. I am asking myself sometimes how do they live with their consciousness? How do they walk around, see masked people sometimes and think "oh, elfi was a great friend to me, i was so grateful for their knowledge and help, but then the whole respect-my-life-and-health thing became too much for me so i just ghosted them. what a great way to say thank you, it was!" Of Corse not, they pushed me out of their lives like they did with everyone else who is chronically ill and/or Disabled while being covid cautious. What a pity. My heart broke so many times in the last 3 years. But also: how are we meant to achieve a revolution, how would we eat the rich or abolish whatever there is to abolish, if we cannot even protect the most vulnerable by making the minimal effort of not making them sick by choice? (because knowing that you can protect someone and not doing so is a choice to bring them in potential danger) How do we talk about feminism and trans* rights if we cannot manage the basic consent question of "i do not give you my permission to bring me in more danger"? Questions about questions, as they say in germany T.T

anyways, after writing multiple articles for the newsletter on that topic i still have so many things to say, one day there will be a great book about it (already made a layout for the story) and I hope i will not get even more brain fog and other issues. There are so many books i yet have to write...

Tbh if you consider yourself "Alt" or "punk," I don't care unless you wear a mask in public. Otherwise, you're just another poser.

I was learning DaVinci Resolve today but ended up working on the next YouTube Video with CapCut, because it’s hard for me to learn new Programms without someone sitting next to me and answering all the questions. I am still very proud of me, because this is the first Study With Me video and it’s really nice ❤️‍🩹✨

Review: the WHY café

Read this today and uff, no, I wrote a book on similar topics and my book is simply better. Don’t wanna brag, but it’s true.

The idea, that once you have found your reason for existence, the thing that you want to do every waking minute of your life, that after that you will have enough money to survive, a job, and oportunities will come to you like it’s universe working for you… it’s fun untill you ask yourself “and what’s about the ill?”

Why does nobody ever thinks about the ill? The Disabled? Those, who don’t have the same room full of “you can do whatever you want”s to choose from?

Made me very angry. So, if I knew what makes me the most fulfilled and happy, and I was knocking at all doors and I was talking to all people about it, learning, creating, trying, working my ass off for this… but then got chronically ill and hat to reconsider everything and give up on bunch of dreams… that means I what, did not want it hard enough? If knowing what you are here for and working towards the fulfilment gets help for universe to make the road easier, does it mean I got punishment? What about people who are d*omg in wars and from diseases? The children even, literal children, why does it happen? Why do most passionate dancers loose legs and writers get brain injuries? I don’t believe in a Christian god who is “testing is”, nor I believe in punishment from “something bigger than we are”. I don’t think people deserved to get ME/CFS and become unable to get up, have a chat, read a book or even deal with smells/light/sounds. I don’t think I was ment to not being able to dance, jump and run, to not be able to wake up and feel rested (ever), to not be able to remember words or what I was doing just in this moment. It’s silly, I need to look for clues when I do things and then forget what I am doing. It’s silly untill it happens to you and you understand, any day your intellectual abilities can just leave you and there is nothing anyone can do.

This book is for health people who are in denial about the fact, that over 80% of Disabilities are not born with. And that at some point in a certain age we all become Disabled and need help and will have access needs. And everyone, especially since 2020, can get things like ME/CFS even if you were healthy before. And then no dream, no fulfilling idea, nothing will help and most certainly not the people around you who so desperately try to forget the existence of chronically ill and Disabled people and about them being just one accident or one unfortunate infection away from becoming one themselves.

Health people are just ✨different✨ in my opinion. If your main problem is not the ultra low amount of spoons, chronic pains, brain fog and not being able to do things most people don’t even think about while doing them.. yeah maybe you can gain smth from this book. But me, haha, I am like that, I just get angry and want to shake folx by their shoulders HONEY DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT!!

Anyways…

https://app.thestorygraph.com/profile/elfi_reads

My storygraph Account✨ it’s created by a Black cis woman (hope it’s true) and should be better than good reads. I really enjoy that people can submit trigger warnings and also upload their books themselves.

Just started Shadow And Bone. I watched some of it via Netflix adaptation, but once I have found out that there is a book I did not want to finish watching. Also, I remember very little if the story, so I almost get to know the characters for the first time.

„Suffering is cheap as clay and twice as common. What matters is what each [person] makes of it.“ (Ruin and Rising, Chapter 7)

Very hard researching for the Theater science paper writing about VANYA when Andrew Scott is just there. Just putting out all this characters by himself. Let them flirt, make love, suffer. Sometimes two people cannot act out the chemistry between two characters and somehow Scott manages to play chemistry between the characters all by himself. Live. On stage. Uff..😮‍💨 (in my opinion, VANYA is not good as a Chekhov piece, but it’s genius as Andrew Scott’s one man show, just like Akbar from The Guardian said in her Review)