“do You Want To Talk About It?”

*sighs dreamily* what is Wrong with him

Honestly, I sometimes contemplate on my actions to an unnecessary point.

What if I never said 'yes'? Maybe I should've just waited longer.

It's normal, though. Everyone does that. They, too, want to end the pain by drowning in their own blood rather than in guilt. They'll feel like the most miserable person in the whole world and regret it the next day. They were just caught up in the moment.

They'll regret throwing away old things, cutting their wrists open, macrodosing those pills, chugging down that bottle of bitterness that taste sweeter than their suffering.

They'll only end up as addicts. Adding up to their pain with every pill they take, with every slit from that cutter, and with every drop of body fluids they excrete in whatever way.

I am merely another one of them. I am not in any way better or worse. I am just another number in the statistics.

i hate falling in love. i hate falling in love. i hate falling.

i hate caring so much about someone. i hate having someone constantly running in my mind, distracting me of all my other needs.

i hate crying when i realize that i have put my guard down for someone. i hate seeing my reflection, thinking that i have disgraced myself. how can i let my body feel funny for a person?

i hate knowing that i have feelings for my other half. i hate realizing how i seem in front of others. i hate being aware of my own faults.

i hate that i will never be with that person. i hate that i won't ever make progress with that person, even until our last meeting.

i hate that i don't know who he really is. i hate that i've done nothing about this tragedy. i hate that i like him.

self harming by trying to make your symptoms worse on purpose

we don't make enough fun of Batman for not being a vampire. seriously this guy:

nightwalker, lurks in the shadows

goes flying through the city at night hunting down his quarry

romps around in a dramatic ass cape

lives in a gothic manor that is definitely haunted (by the narrative, the ghosts of the past, etcetera)

served by a single devoted familiar servant who seems to share some portion of his strange powers

has multiple fledglings proteges he recruits and trains to share his dark powers

the source of great, often contradictory lore (conflicting reports on his powers/weaknesses/backstory, varies by canon)

unaging (his publication history spans how many decades?)

clearly has some sort of arcane powers superhuman abilities, despite making a huge effort to pass as a Normal Human Guy

autistic bisexual

notice i didn't even mention the whole BAT themed everything. and we're expected to believe this character is NOT a vampire? i'm being baited.

every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

It's just empathy. It's probably just empathy.

I see him hurting, and I feel hurt too. More specifically, I feel hurt that I had hurt him.

I wasted away the tiny bit of trust he had on me. I diminished the spark we had. I shattered the rose-tinted glasses. I wanted to become his warming sun, but ended up as the one burning him down.

No matter how many times I can say sorry, no matter how many roses I can give him, and no matter the physical favors I can present to him, it just won't be the same.

I never really ask people to forgive me. Being forgiven or not, I still made them hurt. I also hurt because of that, and I hurt even more because of the fact that I'm so selfish that I get hurt because I made other people hurt. I always make it about me.

What a horrible person I am.

I should be gone for good, but that wouldn't undo the pain and burden I had inflicted on others. I should live on in agony and suffering so that I would feel as hurt as they were.

But that would be selfish.

What if other people notice it? What if people notice that I live in constant self-hatred and self-harm that they start to get concerned? Wait, that's asking for too much.

I can't help it, I'm just another selfish being. Writing this also makes me selfish. I'm typing this like I'm the most miserable person on earth, right?