Comedians: It's So Difficult To Be Funny Nowadays Without Sjws Getting Offended

https://ashes-and-ashes-dust-and-dust.tumblr.com/post/183716349959/so-i-just-reread-the-entire-percy-jackson-series

Ugh because I like torturing myself, let’s keep going on this tangent.

Imagine afterwards. The magical campfire, the one that amplifies all positive emotions suddenly goes out. For the first time in almost 300 years, it just…extinguishes.

Nico is the first to leave. How can he explain it to the others, what Jason meant to him? How can he explain Cupid and the running and the hiding? He’s never been good with feelings, never been good with others, and so he just turns on his heel and leaves. Walks straight into the forest, not even bothering to bring any protection with him. Will follows him a moment after, because he known Nico and he knows that if he didn’t go with him, Nico might not come back out.

Frank is the one who has to make the call to Reyna. He stands in the stall, feeds the Drachma through and waits. Everything is still so horribly clear, burning through his head, and it takes less then a minute before the call is patched through.

It hurts. Reyna seems so much happier now, an easy smile on her face as she sits down. “Any news from the Greeks?” she asks. “Oh, that reminds me, I need you to verify these temple plans that Jason sent over…”

She trails off as she sees the look on Frank’s face. “Is everything alright…?”

Frank closes his eyes. Opens his mouth. Tells her everything.

When he’s down, Reyna is motionless. Her face has turned to stone, perfectly still as she sits on purple couch. It’s one of the things Frank always admired about her, the way she was able to shut down her emotions, create that mask of marble that nothing can penetrate.

There’s a silence, echoing and haunting, Reyna so, so still. She tilts her head, closed her eyes, then with a sudden movement, hurls a dagger into the wall. It sticks cleanly, quivering through the wood, and she’s stalked out of the tent before Frank can say anything else.

He ends the call, grimacing, the pain in his chest growing as he stares at the wooden wall in front of him.

Piper lies on her bed and screams.

She’s been screaming for hours, days even, because it’s so goddamn unfair. She’s saved the world, out the Earth Mother to sleep, risked her life and her family’s life, done everything she fucking could go protect everyone, and the fucking Gods couldn’t even give her Jason.

So she lies there, and she screams and screams and screams, and when she finally stops, Drew Tanaka comes over and purses her lips. “Well,” she says. “He was a hero. Heroes die young.”

And Piper snaps.

It takes the whole Aphrodite cabin plus half of the Ares cabin to pull her off of Drew. She’s clawing and biting, throwing punches and roaring and Lacey is holding her back and Drew is unconscious on the ground and there is blood everywhere. Someone is stroking her, holding her back and she can dimly hear someone say, “Yeah, she was one of the 7 heroes.”

The words burn, deep inside of her, and Piper is falling as she screams with all the rage and anger and magic inside of her “I DON’T WANT TO BE A HERO. I NEVER FUCKING WANTED TO BE ONE.”

She can hear gasps, feels something getting stuck into her arm, but Piper is beyond caring as she lets herself fade into the darkness.

Annabeth makes the call to Thalia.

She sits, crossed legged on the ground, cradling the phone in her lap. Hazel sits next to her, face still blank with shock, and they listen to the dial tone ring.

When Thalia picks up, Annabeth closes her eyes. Tells her that her little brother is dead.

There’s a pause, an absolute silence. Annabeth closes her eyes, because she knows Thalia, knows the rage sorrow that surely was flowing through her now -

Thalia howls.

An echoing, agonized scream, the sound of someone who was the only one left. A wordless cry because how can you explain loss like that? How can you keep on taking, keep on stealing, keep on ripping everything away and not expect someone to fall apart? Hazel bursts into tears at that, and Thalia is stil screaming and all Annabeth can do is close her eyes and cry.

Leo sits on the beach.

He’s curled into a ball, buried into the sand and he keeps expecting Jason to come, keeps expecting him to soar through the stars and land.

Because he can’t be dead, can he? He couldn’t be dead, not after all they went through.

Leo squeezes the sand, lets it seep through his fingers. He spent his whole life building, sacrificed his life to stop Gaia, sacrificed his life so that the others didn’t have to do the same and no it was all meaningless.

They all had paid. Over and over again, they had paid and it still wasn’t enough.

The flames erupt now, fast and sudden, so hot that Leo can feel the skin on his hand start to blister and burn. He can’t do anything about the flames though, just lets it burn and burn and burn until everything turns to glass.

When he opens his eyes, the glass in his hand has solidified, turned to an opaque sphere. Leo just stands, and shatters it on the rocks.

Will finds Nico kneeling in the forest.

It’s difficult. He’s never really known the Son of Jupiter, beyond the occasional hellos and goodbyes. He can’t even remember the last time they talked - something about Apollo and Prophecies and Delphi.

But he knows. Nico told him once, when the nightmares were bad, about ruins and Jason and the god of love. Will’s never felt like that, brittle and thin and stretched to the breaking point, but he understands his boyfriend’s pain.

He comes up behind Nico, wraps his arms around him. He’s trembling, deathly cold, and Will closes his eyes.

When the bones erupt around him, Will stiffens, but doesn’t let go. He jut holds Nico tighter, lets his tears fall onto the ground, and lets the skeletons form a dome around them.

Hazel sits next to Frank.

They are both numb. Both in shock. They can’t do anything but sit next to each other, weapons clinking funky against the log. They had both grown up with the stories, of Jason, the Hero, the Praetor of New Rome.

He had become that, again. Nothing more then a story now, someone who only lived inside of them.

Hazel hated it.

What was the point of being a hero, if you couldn’t even save the people you loved? What was the point of trying, when everything was ripped away.

She thought they were safe. She had never been more wrong.

Percy was furious.

He slams his sword into the monster over and over again, until his fists are bruised and bleeding. He’s covered in dust, enough to turn his skin white and his hair lighter, so that if he turns quickly enough the glimpse in the mirror almost looks like him.

He didn’t know how many monsters he killed - 50, 60, 70. Enough that he was choking on it, choking on air, choking on the hate that was welling up inside of him and refused to disappear.

He always used to wonder who the strongest hero was. Always used to wonder if they would ever find out, him and Jason, if there would ever be a war where they would be on opposite sides. He supposed he’d never know now.

And then he’s screaming, his sword clutched in his hand and he knows, he knows that nothing will bring Jason back but he can damn well try, and Percy thinks that he’d do it, he’d rip down the world and drown it, he’d fight the gods themselves if it meant that his friends could live in peace.

Percy wipes his sword, the blood soaking through the orange of his shirt and heads off to find more to kill.

reblog for anons to tell you who you are out of the members of the batfam, birds of prey and the justice league

The batclan has been exposed to so many toxins over the years that their blood is toxic to anyone else but each other.

how would you think percy would figure out his more ocean qualities that you mentioned in your hcs? love your ideas!

thank you!!! i have a few ideas

they figure out percy’s ludicrously high tolerance of mortal drugs because the week before he graduates high school (timing has never been percy’s friend) he’s in a nasty car accident, gets t-boned by someone going an absolutely stupid speed. nothing any of the doctors administer does anything, and percy’s got the concussion from hell and is so confused and disoriented he’s trying to fight everyone around him, which doesn’t go well for him considering he’s got no ability to balance or coordinate his movements. and he’s bleeding a not insignificant amount. they’re lucky it’s NYC and every single demigod and legacy in NYC knows percy jackson’s name and face, because whenever they meet a demigod from new jersey they just HAVE to go, “percy jackson saved the world all those times and he’s NEW YORK CITY BORN AND RAISED YOU DUMB JERSEY FUCKS, EAT SHIT” so there’s a daughter of apollo on staff. she pulls a chaotic demigod moment and sneaks percy out of the hospital with a mortal friend of hers who happens to know her lineage, and the two of them break every traffic law known to man trying to keep this teenager from bleeding out in the backseat before they can get him to Miss Conveniently Placed Daughter Of Apollo’s hidden stash of ambrosia and nectar in her apartment. percy’s taken like, tylenol, before and it hasn’t worked, but no one really thought much of it because it’s not like you’re gonna keel over if tylenol doesn’t do anything to you, but this whole fun scenario just kind of hits home that if he’s ever seriously, seriously sick, he’s just fucked, because i don’t think nectar/ambrosia goes hard enough to fix major illnesses/diseases (you’d have to take enough to burn you alive, and over a long period of time, and that’s just not working) and mortal medicine Ain’t Helpin. gotta love it when your stupid godblood says you have no rights

the smaller things sally has all figured out, in the way that moms just kind of know things, and because she’s spent more time with poseidon than percy has. she knows that when she and percy have Mom And Boy night and they go out to dinner and percy asks for sliced lemons, the way he always does, and then unscrews the cap of a salt shaker and dumps a ton of salt on a plate, and then dips his lemon in the salt and licks it off like this is normal, that’s kind of a sea boy thing. the lemon portion is all percy being weird but poseidon definitely had a notable thing for salt. there’s a ton of quirks like that, quirks that sally recognizes from poseidon, and percy doesn’t know anything about them until after his first year at CHB when he screws up the courage to ask what poseidon was like - and sally’s spent so many years thinking of poseidon solely in his connection to percy, that when she does tell percy it’s entirely framed in things that percy does. windy days make percy frazzled the way that the wind makes the ocean choppy, thunderstorms put him somewhere between nervous and pissed off at everything in existence. she can put together the basic stuff.

in canon percy hangs out with poseidon sometimes, and i think he learns a lot there, because poseidon’s got this moody sea god shit on lockdown. poseidon’s spent a stupid amount of time being a sea god, he knows the ins, the outs, the ifs, the buts - of which there are about fifty thousand, because, uh, the ocean is a complicated natural process and so are seismic processes and BEING TIED TO BOTH WOULD SUCK - but i think percy ends up stumbling into it. it’s not like he knows to ask “why do i have more energy in the winter than i do the summer” even though poseidon has the answer of “submesoscale currents are stronger in the winter because the surface of the ocean is cooler and the winds are stronger, and the transition of nutrients from the depths of the ocean to the surface flows more easily.” so poseidon’s there to be like oh yes! i sensed your first earthquake, i was very excited! and percy’s like uh..... didn’t that wake up typhon? the one earthquake i did? and poseidon’s like oh no. you were six months old, and you got very excited playing - what is it - peekaboo? with your mother. and that’s how percy learns he’s actually just been rockin earthquakes this entire time

i know this is never a thing in canon but Fuck It - san francisco is literal hell for percy and it has nothing to do with monsters or camp jupiter, it’s the migraines. the fucking migraines. the longer he stays in san francisco the worse they get, and in SoN i think he’d chalk them up to having no memories, but then whenever he returns after the war and stays more than a day it’s like his brain is trying to murder him with a pickaxe. the san francisco bay area has seven major faults, and that’s a lot of seismic pressure to have your dumb earthshaker brain contending with. i think there’s an ill-fated spring break where percy and annabeth visit everyone at camp jupiter, to organize Inter-Camp Fun Times or whatever, and percy’s okayish the first day, and the second and third day he just kind of powers through it like a champ, and then it gets to the point where he can’t even sleep and he’s just kind of a miserable lump beneath a blanket begging for the sweet release of death. it was a time of weirdly high seismic activity, compared to when he was first there, and it just kinda leveled him, the poor guy. i think annabeth puts this one together because they end up going home early and the second percy’s away from San Fran The Nightmare Land he’s just instantly better. because it’s annabeth she presents this information to percy in powerpoint format.

i think after some well-deserved time off post graduating high school, during which percy just kind of putters around working at a stable in ithaca while annabeth kicks her own ass at cornell and they share an apartment, percy does end up going back to school. after a while. academia isn’t the motivator for percy that it is for annabeth, and when percy’s grappling with and desperately trying to shove down two wars’ worth of trauma on top of an abusive childhood, it’s just hell on earth. he deserves his break first. and it’s true that percy’s not invested in academics and it’s actually really hard for him, but he is invested in the greater good, and in order for percy to defend the marine life he’s made friends with over the years the way he wants to, he has to know what he’s talking about. it’s kind of a fact that he’s resigned to, when he settles on conservation as a career choice - in his head he’s doing it for the great white he met while helping a satyr get a demigod back from florida, or the pod of orcas that regularly stops by camp half-blood to visit. and his gen ed classes do suck. but when it comes to learning Ocean Science TM, it’s weird, because those aren’t actually that hard - it’s like he knows everything they’re talking about already, he just needed to be reminded of it. he knows about submesoscale currents because it’s as much a part of him as his own physical body. so i think oceanography and marine biology become the main way percy figures out all those weird percy quirks, and it’s possibly one of the weirdest journeys of self-discovery a demigod has ever had, because it’s [ocean does something weird] “OH I DO VIBE” and it’s a fun time. imagine getting answers about yourself and how you work when you didn’t even know what questions to ask. it might have taken percy 20 minutes to decipher this paragraph in his oceanography textbook through his dyslexia but he does it and the second he does he’s so emotionally validated

percy’s powers relating to seismic activity, though, just kind of continue to be an incredible, impenetrable nuisance. you’d think being on a fault line would make him feel powerful, considering the fault line is his bitch and all. instead he feels like he is dying, because seismic activity is about stress, the buildup of stress, and the release of it. it’s like great news! every fault line everywhere is your bitch, you own those! but they’re going to scream in your ear for all of existence about it!

percy visits poseidon once and mentions going to san fran and poseidon looks so aghast

poseidon doesn’t go to san fran because if he did he would end up just going “fuck this stupid place” and would proceed to induce an earthquake that would reduce san fran to a weepy plot of rubble. all of the olympians think poseidon is ~so moody~ and it’s like YOU TRY having YOUR ENTIRE BEING MADE UP OF THE MOST TEMPERAMENTAL NATURAL PROCESSES. YOU TRY IT, YOU FUCKS. YOU TRY!!!!

Hey folks, I live in Seattle and up till a couple years ago I lived on Capitol Hill. I still have friends living there.  So I thought I’d provide some local insight into the CHAZ (Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone).

There is a lot of misinformation out there, especially from Fox News, which photoshopped a gunman into pics, wow.

First, the best resources to find CHAZ info are local to Seattle: The Seattle Times, Capitol Hill Blog, and the CHAZ livestream where you can see the streets for yourself.

Capitol Hill is a very densely populated neighborhood full of apartment buildings and bustling restaurants and bars. If you work there, you live there (because it is hard to navigate by car, like NYC), and if you live there, you are probably super liberal. It’s also the center of counter-culture and LGBTQ culture in Seattle.

Are the protesters terrorizing the locals?

No, the protesters ARE the locals. They live in the many, many apartment buildings on Capitol Hill.  Having lived there for years, believe me when I say “fuck the police” is a prevalent opinion there even when there isn’t a nationwide protest.

Is there looting?  How are businesses protecting themselves?

The local businesses are not being looted; they are open and are doing a booming business.  Also, a lot of workers / business owners ARE protesters.

I saw a picture of Seattle on fire!

Actually you saw a picture of a protest in Minnesota that Fox News pretended was Seattle because they are frauds and shills.

How big is the Autonomous Zone?

Six square blocks.

How did this situation come about?

There was a peaceful march.  The mayor abruptly set a 5 pm curfew.  The protesters ignored it and marched anyway.  Then the police set up barricades to stop the march.  The cops started using tear-gas and flash-bangs and the situation devolved from there. (You can find videos of this on Capitol Hill Blog.)  What prompted the tear-gas was … one of the protesters thrust a pink umbrella over the barrier.  Yes, really.

The situation deteriorated for several days/nights running until the police abandoned the East Precinct on Capitol Hill. The violence was very one-sided: the police attacking the protesters.

Then the police left.  From what I heard the mayor ordered them out due to rumors or fears that the police station would be burned down? Which didn’t happen.  Anyway, they abruptly left.  As in, hired a literal moving truck and emptied out their headquarters, in almost a comedic beat.

Do you have to show your ID to enter the Autonomous Zone?

No.  People come and go freely.  City services are also allowed to come and go (and I presume delivery trucks but I haven’t looked into that.)

What’s with the physical barriers if people can come and go freely?

They’re to keep vehicles out. 

Backstory:  While the protests were ongoing, a guy (whose brother was an East Precinct cop) tried to ram his car into a crowd of protesters.  A brave man eating a hot dog threw himself at the side of the car, grabbed the steering wheel through the open window, and stopped him. Whereupon cop-brother-car-man shot him with a gun.

Personally I think cop-brother-car-man was planning a mass shooting because he had extra ammo taped to his hoodie sleeve. You can see the blue tape on his arm in the pic above. (The protester who was shot thankfully survived.  Check out those brave medics tending him while an ACTIVE SHOOTER is standing feet away!)

But anyway, that’s why there are barriers. I believe they move them aside for approved vehicles, like emergency vehicles or deliveries.

Are there people with guns roaming around?

Not on a regular basis, although I’ve heard a local gun club had some members there one night when it was rumored the Proud Boys (a Nazi group) might show up.  (They didn’t.)  But in general, no.

Is it scary??

No.  The neighborhood is fully on board and overall there is a festive atmosphere.  There are speeches about BLM, about discrimination, about what people want for the neighborhood.  There are first aid stations, medics and counselors, and people offering free pizza.  If you watch the livestreams, you can see people walking their dogs, out with their kids, etc.

Where will this all end?

I don’t know.  The barriers can’t stay up forever and I think everyone knows that.  The “Autonomous Zone” name is tongue-in-cheek, the protesters aren’t actually trying to secede from the United States.  Basically, this is a boiling over of frustration.  The police have never been good-faith neighbors on Capitol Hill.  Also Seattle police have always been pretty racist and had a problem with excessive force.

Look at this whole situation.  All the police had to do was stand back and let the protesters march; they would have marched and gone home and that would be that.  All the police had to do was nothing.  Instead they turned a neighborhood into a warzone.

By the way, did you know that yesterday (6/12) in a different Seattle neighborhood 60,000 people marched to support BLM?  And because the city had learned its lesson about dumbass curfews, they let everyone march and nothing bad happened.

Weird how the national news didn’t report on that march, huh?  Almost like they cherrypick the protests that will appear “scary” to their audience.

This Is War

inspired by this

I just browsed through the Jedi section of the Star Wars fandom and here seems to be the general consensus on stuff:

Literally everyone breaks the code and gets attached to everyone but Mace Windu pretends he doesn’t.

Almost everyone is close with their clones whether it be as bffs, lovers, or brothers in arms.

Aayla Secura and Commander Bly were totally in love.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is tired of Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano’s shit but always gets himself into shit.

Quinlan Vos is Aayla’s fake brother I think?

Plo Koon is everyone’s dad.

Depa Billaba is Caleb/Kanan’s mom.

Anakin is pretty of face and dumb of ass but Ahsoka is too so it’s okay.

Actually speaking of Anakin and Ahsoka, Anakin is a Proud Dad but has no idea what he’s doing.

Pretty much everyone knew about Anidala.

Obi-Wan was in love at some point. Whether it was with Cody or Satine or both is up for debate.

Kit Fisto was with Aayla at some point but whether he still is or not has very little consensus.

Luminara Unduli is pretty strict but not a bad person.

Shaak Ti is everyone’s mom.

Katooni survived Order 66 and crashed with Hondo until she got older. Some people think her friends did too and some don’t.

Ki Adi Mundi would have been cool with Anidala.

Mace Windu is a party pooper on love.

Yoda is everyone’s weirdass grandpa.

What are you talking about? Revenge of the Sith and Order 66 never happened?

Bruce’s fave pastime is seeing Hal make a fool of himself. Clark is not behind it

reblog and make a wish! this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

Anakin: *sensing Ahsoka*

Ahsoka: *through the Force* “Anakin you better keep your FUCKING mouth shut”