I Did That, Twice. They’re Both Living Other Lives Now.

SEBASTIAN STAN behind the scenes of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (2014). Dir. by Anthony and Joe Russo

SEBASTIAN STAN | CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER

SEBASTIAN STAN at Ghetto Film School in January 2023.

When you tell them you have ADHD and autism and they say that's fine but then they find out it's not cutesy collecting hello Kitty and bouncy stimming autism and oopsie I can't pay attention ADHD,

its I can't go in the grocery store I can't vacuum I can't do dishes because of the sensory overload

it's we can go eat at a restaurant but as soon as I start getting overwhelmed I'm going to shut down completely and dissociate but tell you I'm fine

It's please snuggle me but I have to keep my headphones on because hearing is too much right now

It's thank you this new shirtjacketbraceletnecklace you bought me is amazing and I love it but I can't wear it because it feels weird

It's I love you but sometimes your voice is too much noise and I can't look into your eyes

It's I need you near me but please don't touch me or talk or breathe too loud or cough because my brain feels like it's about to explode

It's I'm sorry I forgot you asked me to do the dishes but I know when your entire family's birthdays are and will never forget them

It's I meant to cook dinner four hours ago but I got lost in my brain and I just found my way back out and realized it's already 10pm

I had a dream that I crashed a party with Sebastian Stan and his friends and after a while I somehow ended up next to him on a couch.

He put a hand on my thigh in a kinda possessive way.

Mine.

And suddenly all his friends were like “Welp, time to go”

But then I woke up.. and cried

This all the damn time!

Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson as text messages

Imagine

Bucky : "Don't say I didn't warn you…"

Omg omg omg. It all makes so much more sense when you realise it's not social anxiety but a fear of bring perceived.

Why do you feel more comfortable with a long coat and a mask as opposed to summer clothes?

Why do you DESPISE taking pictures? Especially if it's someone else and not you taking them.

Why do you feel like you have to stop doing whatever it was you were doing when someone passes by?

Why don't you want to tell anyone how leisurely you go about your day, taking a nap, going for a snack, sitting on your phone playing games etc. because you know they will comment on it and even though it's not negative or mockery it's still feels like you've been perceived?

Why can't you make eye contact? Why can you do it only if the other person is looking away but the second when they look at you you stop listening and when you're the one speaking you can't bear to look at them because you know their eyes are on you and they are perceiving you?

Why don't you want to dress excessively or wear nicer clothes? Because you will stand out

People mistake you for shy because you don't speak often, but it's really the fear of drawing attention to yourself more than it is the things you actually say, isn't it?

Why do you hate overpopulated areas even when no one is speaking? BUT you still feel more comfortable when more than one person is in the room (but not too many!) so that the burden of being perceived is directed on someone else and you can safely lay back just observing the scene.

It's all a defence mechanism

I hate this:

I don't know what's wrong. I can make as many lists. As many notes. As I possibly can but I'll never know what's wrong.

Is it the bpd? Did someone trigger some unknown trauma that's hidden deep? Did they say something that scared me?

Is it the autism? Am I just overstimulated? Am I hungry? Sleepy? Thirsty?

Is it the ADHD? What. Is. Wrong?